MEMORIAM (26 page)

“We were together?” My chest shuddered.

“We were engaged to be married.”

I couldn’t even make eye contact with Sam. How was I supposed to feel? Sam at that nursery in Memoriam made sense now. All of it was falling together.

“I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell you…I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

My hand covered
my mouth.
I couldn’t remember anything of our relationship before that day I woke up.

Sam scooted closer. “It’s okay to be upset.”

“We were engaged?” Pain shot through my ribs.

“Are you okay?” Sam asked.

“It’s a lot take in,” I said, holding my chest. Fear collided with pain as he leaned in to kiss me. Why didn’t I want to kiss him? Why was I suddenly filled with fear? It should have been the happiest moment of anyone’s life, but it wasn’t. I pulled away from Sam and shook my head.

“I’m sorry, I just…I can’t. I’m such a mess.”

“No, you are not.”

“Please don’t. I can’t hear this right now.”

He pulled his hand back and turned away. I bit my lip as Sam turned to his kit he had brought with him and opened it, pulling out a pair of scissors. He gave me medication so my body would relax as he worked. I kept watching him. Had I really known him more than two months ago?

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“What exactly happened to us....before we were put in here?” It sounded weird to say ‘us’ out loud. I was still unsure if it felt right.

“After my brother was shot we went into hiding. The Head was invading cities left and right and the Trux military was taking families. We didn’t come out of hiding for three months. It was you who decided we should find your family.”

My chest tightened. I could see my family in my head, Julia and James, and my mother standing alone. “And?”

“Vi, this is too much for you right- ”

“Please.”

“We found your family.” Sam fell quiet. “Only James survived.”

I sniffed. “They’re dead? All of them?”

“Except James. Do you remember anything at all about him?”

I shook my head. “I’ve only seen him in Memoriam.”

“When?”

“Almost every time. It started back at the Head’s mansion. So he’s alive?”

“He was brought into the base with us. When we tried to escape…I fell behind. You went ahead with James. That’s when you got caught.”

This is when Sam fell silent for several minutes. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Maybe it was just as painful for him as it was for me.

“I don’t know what they did to you but you haven’t been the same since.”

The sentence hung in the hair. I knew what had happened to me but hadn’t told Sam.
I was in denial of my memories being tampered with
and felt that if I spoke the words out loud then it would make it all true. The darkness seemed to close around us and I felt the loneliness seep through again, boxing me away from everyone, including Sam.

“Vince told me something before he left to find you,” Sam said. “It was his combination that caught you. He said he never saw a little boy when they found you. Sev was the one who shot you. I asked Vince why Sev seemed hated you so much, and he said that Sev was forced to kill a family member when he first became a hunter. Apparently he hasn't been the same since. I think it triggered something in Sev when Trent spared your life.”

It seemed so twisted and backwards that my own combination was the one that had turned me in. “Why wouldn’t Vince tell me this?”

“Some truth is better left unsaid.” Sam finished cleaning my wound.

“So James-“

“-could still be out there.”

A tear rolled down my cheek, then another. I sniffed and dried my eyes, staring at my hands. Sam sat back and ripped the right leg of my jumpsuit, examining the shrapnel in my thigh.

“I’m sorry if what I told you made you feel uncomfortable…about us.”

“Of course not,” I lied.

“It doesn’t have to change our relationship.”

I smiled weakly and fiddled with my sleeve. Should I tell him the truth about how I thought it might be better to go our separate ways once we were freed until I could remember more? The idea seemed too selfish to act on, but it seemed like the only solution if I truly wanted to find myself without hurting Sam. 

“I can’t tell you how good it feels for you to finally know. It’s been on my mind since, well, you forgot.”

“I didn’t forget. My memories were taken from me.”

“Right.”

I thought back on the past two months. I remembered examining those scars in the mirror and how I had flinched when I saw them. A scene flashed in my mind. There were bright lights all around me. I was bent over, screaming. Four feet were in front of me. The
zap
of an electric current cracked in my ear. Each
zap
was like fire licking my back. Screams echoed through the cave. I was left in a hallway till dawn. No one came for me. I was alone.

“I still have the ring I gave you. You made me promise to give it back to you when we escaped.”

My head was spinning. Sam’s mouth was moving but I heard nothing. He came closer so he was inches from my face. Something cold and circular was slipped onto my finger. His hand was on my leg.

“I love you, Vi.”

My voice sounded like someone else as it replied, “I love you, too.” My hand felt like a thousand pounds.

“I’ve been thinking it through and I think the best decision at this point is to make a run for it. I know you wanted to free others, but that is no longer an option.” He stood up and dusted off his pants. “You can’t get yourself back in the base because the Head thinks you are dead. I need a few hours to gather some things but I think I could be back here before morning. The prison usually has supplies. Zanna, do you have a klave I can borrow?”

Zanna was over against a tree tending to her burn. “Yeah, left pocket of my pack. There should be two.”

“Good. I’ll leave one for you, Vi. Do you think you can walk on your leg?”

“I think so,” I said. I held back tears.

Sam reached a hand around my side that wasn’t injured and knelt close to me. “You’re stronger than you think.”

I studied my knife wound – red paste covered it, along with a few green leaves and grass.

“You promise?”

He smiled. “I know you better than I know myself.”

I wanted that confirmation from Sam that I was strong because I knew it would take every last bit of strength I had to leave him behind. P
erhaps I was leading him on in that I had no idea how to navigate a messy relationship.
I love you but I can’t be with you right now.
I grimaced as Sam backed away.

“I’ll be back, okay? Wait until dawn; I’ll be here.”

“I will.” Sam and Zanna walked into the darkness. No one knew how much I cared about Sam. Not even me. The idea that I loved him enough to want to marry him was beyond my comprehension. Who was that girl? Was she different than me? I didn’t know what to do at this point. Would Sam expect me to be in love just like that?

Futures are scary as hell. There is no control over them. When you are living so close to the edge, you accept the possibility that one day you may wake up and fall. You choose to stay. Choices like that define you. I wanted to make the right choice and stay with Sam, but I didn’t want to be so close to falling. The choice I had to make was simple: leave with or without Sam.

It felt wrong to be with Sam. I had forgotten every single memory of us – the base left nothing. There was no guarantee that those memories would come back, and even though I was hopeful for complete recovery, I knew it was unlikely. Would Sam hold onto the hope that one day I would remember?

I sat curled up under my emergency blanket, contemplating these things. Sam should be mad. I would be. But instead, he was caring and compassionate and understanding; all things that frustrated me to no end. He shouldn’t want me after the hell I’d been through. I was too damaged.

It was then that I realized I could not leave at dawn tomorrow with Sam. That was clear. It was the selfish side of me that decided this. I was different now. Even Sam said so. There were people missing from my timeline and I wanted to find them. Past that, I wanted to find what made Sam fall in love with me, and what made me fearful of returning those feelings. I wanted freedom.

So I left. I packed up my things and journeyed through the darkness, tripping over roots and wiping my wet eyes. It felt wrong and it probably was a bad decision, but I did it. Not leaving a note – not even the ring he had given me only a few hours before – and thinking about the past left me in shambles. I so badly wanted to turn back or at least glance over my shoulder, but I didn’t. I knew there would be time to look back, but now wasn’t that time. Now was the time to be free.

EPILOGUE

Sam didn’t know that Vi had left. He wasn’t expecting to find an empty forest the next morning when he came out, a pack strapped across his back and Zanna’s klave in hand. He searched for what seemed like an eternity for her. I’ll never see her again, he thought to himself.

It was Sev who came after Sam early that morning, running through the fog with a knife. Sam fought hard against Sev, but part of him didn’t want to fight. Why had Violet left him? Didn’t she promise that they would leave together? Trux military poured out the base towards Sam and Sev. Sam fell to his knees and placed his hands on his head. He had no desire to fight back. Most of the feeling in his body was gone, but more importantly, Vi was gone. She was....gone.

Sev yelled as the skryers grabbed him. He howled as they dragged him back to the base, away from Sam and that damned Vi who escaped. He was sure she was dead. He had killed her during the attack just like the secretary had told him to.

The skryers dragged Sev deep into the prison outside the base, past cells and to a separate chamber with a large door. Sev was maniacal as he glared at the soldiers that held him.

“She was dead, I swear. Dead as a skunk.”

The soldiers opened the door and threw Sev in. He hit the floor and groaned as he stood up. The Head stood across the room, gazing at him.

“Severin.”

Sev’s jaw clenched. “I thought she-”

“Come here, Severin.”

Sev slunk over to the Head. He cringed at the Head’s beady eyes and thin frame as he came closer. The Head had one hand resting on the rim of a glass of spirits. He took a sip, pursing his lips as he stared out the large window of the prison that overlooked the forest.

“Tell me, Severin. What was your task?”

“I thought-”

“Your one task.”

“She was dead,” Sev argued.

“That was not the question I asked!” the Head snapped.

“To kill Violet Hansen.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“She was dead. I killed her.”

“Then tell me why I can see her running away?” The Head gestured out the window at the trees. “Obviously you did not, because not only did she take down the cop that was supposed to destroy this base, but she managed to get away.”

“I don’t know-”

“NO!”

Sev flinched.

“I apologize for my tone. I forget how fragile you Pax are.” He walked over to Sev and reached out, touching his chin. There was a large gash on Sev’s cheek from the battle outside the base earlier, thanks to a large piece of shrapnel, and Sev hadn’t gotten it treated.

“That looks painful,” the Head said.

Sev licked his lips nervously.

“I’m sure if I were to touch it, it would be extremely painful.” The Head scrunched his face as he dug his thumb into the wound. Sev whimpered and fell to his knees, clenching his fists. “That is only a taste of the pain you’ll experience, Severin. You failed.”

Sev’s shoulder trembled as the Head rested his hand on it. “You will pay for disobeying me.”

“Let me go after her.”

“That is not enough,” the Head hissed. He paused. “Perhaps that is a fair trade. Your life in exchange for Violet Hansen’s.”

Sev gulped.

“Skryers, take him away. Watch yourself, Severin.
I do not often give second chances.”
The Head snapped his fingers and two skryers came into the room and walked over to Sev, each grabbing an arm. “You have three days.”

The skryers immediately dragged Sev away, ignoring his writhing arms and threatening looks. The Head turned away from the door as it swung shut and looked back out the window.

There was a small memory disc next to the window. The Head tapped it, lighting up the screen floating above it and waiting until a map with red dots appeared – a map of Rinfero.

“Stella?” he asked. There was a small pause then a voice spoke in the Head’s ear.

“Yes, sir.”

“Commence with Base Five.”

“Yes, sir.”

The Head smiled and rested his hands behind his back, watching the screen. He changed the memory disc to camera view and the window overlooking the forest switched to a large round building identical to the base he had just destroyed. He had no use for the Pax anymore. He had played his games, but now it was time for war, and no one, not even rebellious prisoners like Violet Hansen, was getting in his way. These people…peacemakers as they called themselves...did not deserve to live. The Head knew that. Others had different views on how he ran things, but those people would soon be gone.

Rinfero needed an exorcist, of sorts, to purge the unfaithful. The Head was only doing his duty to the Trux, the ones who had waited patiently in silence as the Pax destroyed Rinfero, creating laws and putting up walls between the corrupt and peaceful. There were to be no more walls.

A large black object fell through the sky on the screen, hitting the base. A large mushroom cloud rose above the base. Smoke clouded most of the view, but in the corners he saw people like little ants, running for the outskirts. The military would take care of them. He tapped the floating screen and dragged his finger across the edges, zooming in on people as they ran to the outer wall. They should have known better. All the cement walls around each base had a voltage force field around it and would electrocute anyone if the sensors went off.