Memoirs of a Timelord (3 page)

       So anyhow, inside I find these little earless bunnies everywhere, scattering as soon as they see me.  It takes a while but I finally get a few to come close enough to lemme pet them.  My DuNai memory banks are telling me that the species is totally benign; no venom, no claws, no defensive abilities, just harmless balls of fur.  They are zero threat, unless you're a carrot.  

       So I'm busy petting the bunnies when this...thing...comes through the door.  Ooooh Geeeze!  The creature scared me so bad I forgot to even look at the data that my fancy-schmancy eyes were feeding me.  The animal had fangs like daggers, claws that scratched on the stone floor, and a row of armored spikes down its back.  It really surprised me, especially since I had no warning from the voices.  Not a peep.  They had never failed to warn me of danger, so I was a little confused how they let this beast sneak up on me like this.

       Making a sound that musta been some kinda intergalactic snarl, the creature blubbered and jumped at me with enough force to knock me flat on my back.  With those fangs dripping slobber just a few inches away from my face I did the only thing I could think of: I punched the animal, right in the side of its big, nasty head.

       Bam!  Just like that the animal got off me and ran to the nearest corner whimpering.  I was pretty surprised.  I joke a lot about how hard I punch, but this was something new.  Finally I take the time see at what my DuNai eyes had been trying to tell me all along; namely that the creature I just punched was a Malooda, a common household pet in the Crozac region.  

       Oh shit...I think I just punched Lassie.  Seriously, what kind of asshole does that?  

       My blood froze as the room went dark.  Whatever it was that filled the doorway was huge.  I could see thick fur, and shoulders strong enough to rip the bumper off of a car.  I thought the Crozac dog was scary, but this was something on an entirely new scale.  With long muscular arms that hung almost to the ground, I felt like I was looking at Sasquatch on steroids.

       "Shouldn't you be dressed like Goldilocks?" He spoke in English, which surprised me almost as much as seeing his big, scary ass there in the doorway.  Still not a peep from the whispers...why didn't they warn me?

       "Goldilocks?" I was still a little stunned; it took me a few minutes to get the reference.  Mostly I was surprised this gorilla wasn't ripping me into bloody little pieces.

       "So you're the new girl, eh?" He looked me over.  "I wondered how long before the Boss sent you my way."

       "Who are you?" I tried to remember my manners and ask nicely.

       "I'm Bara, your predecessor.  I was the previous apprentice, which makes me your Kula." He held out a massive paw for me to shake.

       "Jenna." I answered as I tried to figure out how to grip a hand where all fingers were opposing.  Finally I muddle through a handshake and he moves away towards a rock wall.  A casual wave of his hand and the granite outcropping becomes a cozy little wet bar.  Another gesture and the rock-filled corner morphed into a big padded area with cushions and plush carpet. 

       "These're m' digs." He shrugged haplessly before throwing some ice into a tall glass.  "You were a Vodka drinker back on Earth, weren't you?"

       I was surprised at his insight.  "How'd you know?"

       "Because I been there.  We've met more than a few times, but I was always wearing a different face so you never knew I was the same guy." Pouring me a drink, he watched me with eyes in the back of his head.  It took a few minutes for me to realize he had eyeballs on the back of his hands too. 

       "Soooo, you know how to get to Earth?" I asked hopefully, thinking I'd found a shortcut home.

       "F'get about it." He casually dismissed me with a Jersey accent before holding out a tall glass of something milky.  "The boss already told you the deal.  You gotta find your own way home.  It's a rite of passage for Temporal Editors.  It's the DuNai way of proving that you got the skills to do the job.   As your Kula, I am the last person to help you cheat on your finals."

       "What exactly is a Kula?" I was finding no definition for that word in my databanks.  Odd.

       "It's part of DorLek's training process." Bara took a healthy swig from his own glass before wiping his mouth with the back of a long arm.  "After you become a Timelord, and you've been on your own long enough to be competent, you're expected to help tutor the next apprentice, show 'em the ropes, or maybe even help out in the orientation process.  Ya gotta remember that the Boss has a whole galaxy to run so he leaves a lotta the elementary stuff to people like Didra and the Kulas.  Since I was just recently a student like you, I got insight into what you're going through right now."

       "So you're what...my high school guidance counselor?" I wisecracked before I absentmindedly took a tall gulp from the cup in my hand.  While my eyes saw milk, my tongue tasted the smoothest potato liquor I had ever experienced in my life.  Mellow up front, but with a fire in the belly, I felt the effects of the liquor immediately.

       "Whoa.  That's not Vodka." I croaked when I caught my breath.

       "Of course not, human Vodka is essentially low grade gasoline.  That's Cree.  Good stuff." Bara's huge form had no trouble slinking into a comfortable spot amongst the cushions.  No sooner had he found a perch than the bunnies all raced out of their hiding places and swarmed him.  At first I thought they were attacking him, but after a few minutes of watching my host wriggle around in contentment I realized they were cleaning him with their little bunny teeth.  I remember at the time I was pretty shocked at the sight.  Sure, back on earth we had those little birds that cleaned crocodile's teeth...that was sorta like this I guess?  It was just the strangest shower I had ever seen; Sasquatch being groomed by Tribbles.  What the fuck, over?

       "So did you spend a lotta time on Earth?" I pretended to ignore the bizarre bathing ritual, even though it looked like he was being swarmed by furry piranhas.  Bara actually seemed to be enjoying himself as dozens of bunnies dug into his nether regions.

       "Just a short snippet from the end of the Cretaceous period to the end of you.  I was all over that galaxy during the survey.  Played chase with saber-toothed tigers, watched the Spanish Inquisitions unfold, lived through a few plagues, three nuclear bombs and the computer revolution.  Your people have been an interesting species to edit.  My Master's thesis was based on management protocols employed on developing Earth."

       "I thought I was supposed to take care of the people in the Milky Way?" I was perplexed.  

       "No one may edit their own ancestors.  The galaxy is in a trust until you are of age.  Even as an Editor you will not have access to your own planet prior to your birth.  It is possible to erase yourself from an entire dimensional thread.  Go back far enough and you could completely delete yourself from all existence, deleted from all fifth dimensional threads entirely.  Naw, someone else has to manage your galaxy until you're ready.  Besides, the Boss just gave it a few nudges to get it where it needed to be." Bara made a strange hand motion as he indicated the path they had set humanity on.  All around him the bunnies were starting to withdraw to their hidey-holes.

       As I listened I used my enhanced eyes to take another look at the cave.  What I had originally mistaken as a rocky hole was actually packed with morphic matter.  Almost every surface showed the telltale DuNai signature.  I knew from my advanced devices training that the Class 5 material he was using could do fantastic things.  It wasn't just furniture; Bara could have turned the cave into a spaceship and flown away.  There were few devices that this material could not replicate.  Since I was still learning how to use the new technologies, and years away from actually building any of it, my abilities with morphic matter were limited.  The stuff was actually smarter than I was.  

       Lassie had curled up with Bara as soon as the bunnies were all gone.  Eyeing me warily, the poor dog hunkered down where it was safe from the evil intruder.  I felt like such an asshole for punching a puppy.

       "So what's up with the Supergirl outfit?" Bara looked at me with a twinkle in his multiple sets of eyes.  

       "Yeeaah..." I trailed off as I tried to come up with a G-rated explanation for sexual role-playing with the nanny.

       "Let me rephrase that question; how was Didra dressed?" His long mouth split into a smile.  "Look kid, when I said I had insight into your situation, I meant it.  I been exactly where you are now.  Just a coupla thousand years ago, I too was a dumb-ass apprentice like you." 

       Using all of his fingers in tandem, Bara made a series of clicking sounds, like someone snapping their fingers at a machinegun rate.  Without warning, the floor morphed into a Sasquatch not much taller than me.  It only took my DuNai eyes a pica-second to tell me that her likeness was that of a popular Crozac celebrity.  Apparently she was sorta the Betty Paige of the Oglan System, the bad girl that guys loved to ogle.  To you she would have looked like six feet of fur and muscle, but in their world she was an absolute hottie.  I couldn't help but smile as I realized that Bara really did understand where my head was these days.

       "So this is the new girl?" The hottie asked as her eyes looked me up and down.  "Does she create as much wake as the boss said she did?"

       "Oh yeah.  I felt her as soon as she got here, like someone was bangin' on a gong." Bara nodded.  

       "Felt what?" I was curious.

       "Your presence in this galaxy." Bara sat up when he spoke.  "Even when the Boss visits, I don't feel him the way I felt you.  I thought someone was ringing a damned dinner bell."

       The female Sasquatch looked me over before thumping me on the head with a fist.  The whispers had warned me she was going to do something so I was able to dodge most of it.  Still, even her glancing blow was painful.  I couldn't help but notice how fast she was. 

        "What the hell was that for?" I demanded to know as I held one side of my head where she had hit me with her rough and hairy knuckles.

       "Wow." She raised an eyebrow before turning back towards Bara.  "She has control of only two point five percent of her enhancements, and yet she was able to get almost completely out of the way.  Impressive."

       "That's good Shanti, but it's generally considered bad manners to go around punching guests." The big guy rose and chided his partner gently, as if explaining something to a child.

       "She's a Lord, she'll heal as fast as I could hit her. I doubt she minds much." Shrugging, the female stooped over and moved away on hairy knuckles.

       I was having a revelation at that moment.  When I finally got my shit together and started looking over the data my eyes were feeding me, I realized that I had seen these same morphic patterns before; in Didra.  There were some different subroutines here though; most notable was the way her energy patterns flowed in a continuous loop rather than emanating from the house.  

       "This is Didra?  From the house?" I asked skeptically as I watched her settle into a padded corner of the room.

       "Yes, and no." Bara thought hard for the right words to explain.  "She is from the house, but not the same Didra you know.  I stole her from the house, and left a replica behind; your Didra.  This one is my Didra."

       "I don't go by that name anymore." She added with a hint of disdain.  "It's Shanti now."

       "I thought you couldn't unplug the hostess from the house?" I was surprised.  Everything I had read up till then said that Didra was bound to the house.  It was impossible to sever the connection.

       "You're right, can't be done." Bara agreed with a smile on his lips.  Something in his smug grin told me that I would need to figure out how he had done it on my own.

       Switching topics, I asked a new question.

       "What's my wake?  I've heard that phrase before." I was truly unsure.  I had consulted my databanks for a definition, but the results I got back were some hocus-pocus bullshit. 

       Bara gave a frown as he sat back.  "That is a much bigger question than you know."

       "Oh yeah." Shanti commented with a cruel smile on her lips.  "Huge question."

       I was really getting concerned now.  Up till then he'd had no hesitation in answering any of my questions.  Had I asked something I wasn't supposed to?  Is this the scene where I get wacked for knowing too much?  Being new to alien species in general, I was really having trouble getting a read on either of them.  

       "I don't know if I should." Bara gave it thought.  "Y'see the Boss has this whole lesson plan he goes thru, and touches on the creation of all existence, and the time he saw God, our purpose in life, and all that jazz."

       "DorLek saw God?  Y'mean like he found Jesus' image on his toast one morning?" I was a little surprised at the statement.

       Giving a laugh at that, Bara waved a hairy hand to let me know how wrong I was.

       "Naw, I mean he actually saw the big guy at work for reals."

       From her perch Shanti scowled before rebuking Bara. "The Boss tells it better than you do."

       "I tell it pretty well, m'self." He gave his chest a thump with one of those big meaty fists of his.  

       "You're just gonna fuck it up.  You are a lousy story teller." Shaking her head, Shanti waited until he had turned away before giving me a playful wink.

       As I watched him lounge there in the pillow pit, with his shaggy hair askew, I had to make a conscious effort to remember that as a Timelord, Bara had more degrees than a university.  But in a room fulla people, he'd be the last one you'd peg as being an Editor.   He looked more like a homeless zoo exhibit than someone responsible for managing quindecillion souls.