Megan's Way (19 page)

Olivia laughed to herself, swiping again at
the tears. Her body shuddered as the water in the bathtub became
cool.

Remember our late night pig-out sessions and
watching Lifetime television. Please try not to remember my
illness, remember me for who I was, not for what I had.

You are a beautiful, brilliant girl with
such a wonderful future. I am so lucky to have you as my daughter.
Take life as it is dealt to you, Olivia, and let it make you
stronger, not beat you down. Never let anyone take your dreams away
from you, no matter how grand or silly they seem. Paint the world,
Olivia, drink it in!

I suppose we need to talk about your father.
Olivia, I have kept this from you because of so many reasons—they
are hard to put into words, but the least of them is that I feel
that this knowledge is going to be a burden to you—a burden that in
so many ways, is equal to the blessing and peace of mind it will
bring you. You will see that this involves more than just you and
him. For that reason, I had to make the toughest decision of my
life, and then keep the truth hidden.

Do you remember when you asked me about
Lawrence? Well, I didn’t really tell you the whole truth, and I am
sorry. It still hurts to think about him. Lawrence was a very
special man to me. I might have even been in love with him. We had
been seeing each other for months when your father and I spent a
weekend together. But, each time I was with Lawrence after that
weekend, it hurt me—the guilt of my infidelity was too painful to
bear—so I ended my relationship with Lawrence. When I told him that
I needed some space, he was crushed, and truthfully, so was I.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I
went away. I needed to think things through without the pressure of
my friends. I know this is hard to understand. I love Holly, Peter,
and Jack. But that decision was so important to me, and it would
have had such a severe impact on so many people that I had to go
away and clear my head.

I told everyone I was going to Italy, as you
have heard, but I didn’t. I wanted to go where I could be
comfortable, so I went to Provincetown. I didn’t do much there. I
painted, I read everything I could about childbirth and pregnancy—I
devoured it, really, and I thought about if I was truly ready for a
baby and if I loved your father enough to spend my life with him.
It was not a one-night stand, Olivia, and I know that’s what you
are thinking. It was so much more. I love your father so much, and
did then, too. But it was a different kind of love, Olivia. And I
am ever so thankful that we had you. You were meant to be, Olivia.
You are the meaning in my life.

While I was in Provincetown, there was no
decision to be made as far as you were concerned. I wanted you. I
wanted you with all of my heart and never wavered in my desire to
bear you and be your mother. I wrestled with your father, though.
He’s a wonderful, brilliant man. He’s caring, and loving, and
everything I could want. But we weren’t in love. We were two people
who had wondered their whole lives what it would be like to be
together and we took a chance and tried it out. But it wasn’t true
love, Olivia, it was friend-love. Three months after I arrived in
Provincetown, I decided to come back and tell him about you. I had
no hopes of marriage, but thought he might want to be involved in
your life in some way. Olivia, one thing you must know in your
heart

–
I truly believe God knew I would be
taken early, and that’s why he allowed me to get pregnant. We were
not trying to conceive a child, but God knew I needed you, somehow,
and God knew you were meant to be.

Your father is Jack, Olivia, Jack
Townsend
.

Olivia lowered the letter and whispered,
“Jack.” She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the
tub, the smell of her mother’s foam bath surrounded her. She
thought of Jack and the way he was so loving with Holly. She
remembered being on his shoulders as a young girl at the Labor Day
parade in the center of town. She took a deep breath and continued
reading.

With my decision to raise you alone, Olivia,
the road ahead seemed lined with lilies instead of tangled with
barbs. I knew I could make my life work with a baby—and I wanted
to! I knew Holly would jump at the chance to help me raise you, and
I also believed that Jack would agree that marrying for the sake of
a child, and not for the sake of love, wouldn’t have been the right
thing to do.

When I came back, Jack and Holly were very
much in love, and already talking about marriage. I couldn’t crush
Holly with my news. I was afraid if I told Jack, he might feel an
obligation to marry me, and that’s not what I wanted. Then, when I
saw how happy they were, the answer became clear. I lied. I lied to
protect them. I told them that your father was a guy that I had met
in Italy. You see, Livi, they became close when I left—filling the
void I had left in each of their lives. They were meant for each
other, and you were meant for me
.

Olivia set the letter down next to the tub.
Holly? My God, Mom. You and Jack were together before Holly and
Jack. Oh my God!
A strange feeling came over Olivia and she
began to shake. She wasn’t mad at her mother, but she was confused.
Jack was her father? After all these years? He’d been around for
every event in her life, and he didn’t know?
My God, he doesn’t
know now!
Her head reeled. She turned on the hot water and lay
still until the water became so warm that it brought her back to
the present.

She took a deep breath and began reading
again.

I loved Holly and Jack too much to put
myself in the middle. I feared it would destroy all of our
friendships. But mostly, I feared it would ruin Holly’s life. She
adored Jack, and saw him as a gift from God, which he was for her.
She needed him like I needed you. I held my secret.

What about me?
Olivia seethed.
I
could have had a dad!

I thought that a situation would present
itself, eventually, for me to tell them the truth. At times, I
wasn’t sure if I had done the right thing. But then Holly lost
Alissa Mae, and didn’t try again to have children for many years. I
knew it would crush her to know that Jack and I had made you. So
again, I decided I wouldn’t tell them. A few years later I became
ill. When I realized I wasn’t going to recover, it all made sense
to me. You see, Livi, I had you so Holly could be a mother. Now
that I’m gone, she has you, Jack’s child, and you have your father.
Baby girl, God works in mysterious ways. In our case, he created a
maze that led you to have a wonderful life with me and a wonderful
future with a new loving mother and a father who deserve you. And
you deserve them
.

God damn it, Mom!
Olivia didn’t know
if she was more angry at her mother for not telling her who her
father was or for having Jack as a father. It was all so
complicated now. Jack and Holly didn’t know. She couldn’t tell
them, which only meant one thing to her. She would never have a
real father.

I know you’ll be angry with me, and I don’t
blame you. But as you get older, I hope that you will realize why I
made the decision not to tell everyone. I did it not just for me
and you, but for them, too. Holly loves you like her own daughter
and has since the day you were born.

This letter, Olivia, is a gift for you. It
is your decision what you do with this information. You can tell
everyone, or you can tell no one. That is something that only you
can decide. I will be proud of you no matter how you handle this
amazingly hard situation.

I love you, Olivia. I may not have been a
perfect mother, but I couldn’t have loved you more than I did or
than I do. Live your life, honey, don’t mourn me too much. I’m
okay. I had a wonderful life. I had you. Carry on our ritual,
Olivia, it is part of who you are now, even though you haven’t
experienced it. It is part of me. Holly can walk you through the
ritual. I want her to. I want you to enjoy it as much as I always
did. And treat yourself kindly, Livi, respect your desires and
dreams. Follow them no matter how many times they change or where
they might take you. Be true to your spirit. Be kind to people, and
they will be kind back. And remember, when you need me, just call
upon me. I’m never more than a thought away.

I love you forever, Olivia Leigh. You are my
treasure. Mom

Olivia folded the letter and placed it back
on the toilet lid. She wasn’t sure if she was glad that she had
read it or if she wasn’t—a mixture of anger, sadness, and relief
swirled within her young mind. She wondered when her mother meant
for her to read it.

She closed her eyes.
Jack
, she
thought.
Jack Townsend. Jack is my father
. She lay back
against the bathtub, closed her eyes, and felt as though she were
whole. She knew who both her parents were—both—no more mystery. A
strange sensation came over her body. The anger she felt moments
before dissipated, and though she was beset with sadness about
losing her mother, she was not depressed. She realized that in
losing her mother, she had gained the knowledge of her father.
Jack
. She repeated his name over and over in her mind.
Jack. Jack Townsend. Jack. Dad?

As her mind relaxed, and her guard was let
down, she closed her eyes. Within moments, she felt the presence of
another person. She opened her eyes with a start, and looked around
the small bathroom, expecting to see Holly. The steam rose in front
of the window, and it was there that she saw her. Her hair was once
again thick and vibrant. Her face was full, her eyes alive with
love. Olivia could not make out her body, for it was engulfed in
the steam, had become one with it.

“Mom?” She whispered.

Her mother nodded in silence.

“Mom!” Olivia cried. She rose, the water
dripped off of her naked body, her arms, her fingertips, her
hair.

Her mother moved toward her, arm’s reach
away. Olivia found her beautiful, peaceful. She was stunned into
silence. Her body shook from the cool air on her wet skin. She
didn’t reach for a towel. She could not move her limbs for she was
entranced with the vision of her mother, so real, so lively.

Megan reached her arms out to her daughter,
though she somehow knew they could not touch.

Olivia reached for her mother. Her hand moved
right through her mother’s arm, as if it were a cloud. Olivia
screamed, “Mom!”

Megan spoke, and it was heard as a rush of
air, like a breathy whisper, “My love,” she said.

Olivia’s eyes lit up. Her heart pounded.
Another breathy whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Olivia cried, choking out her words, “It’s
okay. I love you, Mom.” Warm tears made their way down her wet
face. She didn’t notice.

“You’ll be okay,” Megan said. “You have to
live your life.”

Olivia nodded, her throat would not release
the words that her heart tried to put forth.

As her image faded away, Megan said, “It
wasn’t fair, the waiting. Please…forgive me.” And she vanished into
the steam, as if she had never existed.

Olivia reached out, wailing, “Mom!” she
grabbed at steam. “Mom! Come back!” Olivia fell to her knees,
sobbing, “I forgive you, Mom. I do.”

Holly rushed into the bathroom and found
Olivia kneeling in the bathtub, naked and shivering, tears
streaming down her face. “Oh, Livi,” she said, “let’s get you a
towel.”

Dazed, Olivia whispered, “Mom!”

“I know, honey. We all miss her very much.”
Holly wrapped a large towel around Olivia and caught the faintest
whiff of lavender and coconut. “Smells like her in here, huh?” she
smiled.

Olivia, still unable to believe what she had
seen, simply nodded as she gazed straight ahead and into the steam
that was vanishing just as her mother had moments before.

“Jack, I found some things on Megan when
she…the night…of our ritual,” Holly said in a hushed voice. She
didn’t want to alert Olivia who was upstairs packing a bag.

“What did you find?” he asked.

Holly moved to the kitchen and took down a
large wooden bowl that sat atop the refrigerator. She removed a
smaller box and placed it on the table.

Jack walked over and gazed into the box.
“What is it, honey?”

Holly reached in and took out a few
photographs. She handed them to Jack and smiled.

His face warmed at the sight of Olivia’s
sleeping face and her funny homemade tiara which sat crooked on her
head. He looked up at Holly, fresh tears in his eyes.

“She had them tucked in her bra, right over
her heart,” Holly said. “She knew, Jack. She knew she was going to
go that night.” Threatened by tears, she busied herself at the
sink.

Jack unfolded the newspaper article and was
not surprised to see Lawrence Childs. His smile quickly faded as he
remembered his many conversations with Megan about dating Lawrence.
He could tell, from the first time he and Lawrence had met, how in
love with Megan Lawrence had been. It was not something he’d
said—or even how he had acted. It was the way he had looked at her.
The way his eyes had followed her every move with a longing—a
desire— that one could almost bump into if they crossed between the
two. Jack had asked Megan on several occasions why she didn’t date
him more seriously, though to be truthful, he was always glad she
hadn’t. His own selfishness now came back and lay on his shoulders
like a heavy weight. Her answers were always a little vague and a
little unsure, almost like a child’s.
Oh, please, Jack, we’re
just friends. I wouldn’t want to ruin the relationship we have
.
She had a hundred excuses—if she had one. Jack wished now that he
had pushed Megan harder. He would have liked to see her in love,
really in love, with someone who loved her back, someone like
Lawrence. She had deserved it. She had given to others and hadn’t
asked for anything in return. He refolded the article and set it
gently in the box.