Megan's Way (15 page)

She reached into the drawers, though she knew
she shouldn’t, and lifted out Olivia’s diary. Her heart beat
faster.

She listened carefully for Olivia’s
footsteps. She’d never done this before, always believing that
everyone needed a few secrets. The silence vibrated in her ears,
and with shaking hands she opened the small leather bound journal,
flipping quickly and carefully to the pages nearest the end.

April 16, 2009.

It’s like Mom doesn’t want me around so much
anymore. She still watches tv with me and stuff like that, but
sometimes it’s like she wishes I wasn’t here. I think she’s getting
sicker, but she said she’s not. I think she’s lying to me.
Sometimes I hate her.

April 17, 2009

Mom isn’t doing so good. She’s been lying
around on the couch and Holly had to come over again tonight to
make dinner and take care of us. I wish I could take care of Mom,
but whenever I try to she tells me that it’s not my job. I like it
when Holly is here. She would be a good mother. I wonder why she
doesn’t have kids. Anyway, she takes good care of Mom and me when
she’s here. She wipes Mom’s head with a wet cloth and I hear her
whispering nice things and then they laugh. She helps me with my
homework and stuff, too. I hear Mom crying at night sometimes. I
started to go into her room last night, but stopped outside her
door and ran back to my room. I didn’t want to embarrass her. I
hope she’s okay.

Megan flipped forward a few pages.

April 30, 2009.

Tomorrow is Mom’s birthday. I got her the
best present! Holly picked me up after school and we went and got a
picture taken of me and her, then we bought a really fancy frame
and we signed our name in ink, just like the stars do! I think
she’ll love it. She always calls me her shining star! I know Mom’s
going to die. She told me. I don’t want her to. I will miss her so
much! I keep thinking maybe she won’t die, and I asked Holly when
Mom was going to get better, but she just turned away and said she
didn’t know. I know she’s not, but maybe if I ask enough she will.
I love her so much. What will I do without her? Sometimes I feel so
mean for being mad at her, but sometimes I am mad at her. I can’t
help it. Sometimes I feel like it’s her own fault she’s sick.

Mom’s acting weird again. Today she spent
all night sitting next to me, talking to me about Grandma and Holly
and school and all sorts of stuff. I wish she didn’t have to die.
Maybe God is punishing me by taking her away. I asked her if she
knew when she would die, and she just said that God will do
whatever he has to and that she loves me. She said that she would
always be with me, even if God took her away. She said that she
would find a way to contact me if she died. We both cried. I was so
sad. I don’t want Mommy to die. But I don’t want Mommy to hurt
either, and I know she does. I hate God!

Anyway, Billy likes me now. His friend
Charlie told me so.

Megan wiped her tears with her sleeve; the
rough sweater lightly scratched her cheeks. She flipped backward
toward the beginning of the journal.

May 2, 2004.

We had so much fun today! I stayed home from
school today because I said I was sick (I think she knew I was
faking!) and we played all sorts of games. She made brownies and we
laid around in our pajamas all day! She didn’t paint or get on the
phone or anything! We watched movies on Lifetime, real grown up
shows! Mom let me eat as much popcorn as I wanted. It was so
cool!

Megan closed the diary and settled it back in
the drawer. As she was closing the drawer, a paper pushed out from
under it—stuck to the bottom of the drawer. Megan opened the
letter, recognized her daughter’s scrawl, and read it.

January 2007

Dear Mom, I’m sorry you are so sick. I wish
you weren’t. Sometimes I wish that I was you instead of you being
you. Then you wouldn’t hurt so much. I know it’s selfish, but I
wonder what will happen to me if something bad happens to you? I
wonder where I will go and who will take care of me. Grandma is too
old to have to worry about me. I wish I knew who my dad was. Maybe
he would want to take care of me. Sometimes I’m so mad at you for
being sick. I know I shouldn’t be, but sometimes I am. Mom, please
get better.

Please, please get better. I love you always
and forever, Livi XXOO

Tears streamed down her cheeks and onto the
letter, leaving small wet spots. She jumped as she heard Olivia
walk into her room.

“Mom! What are you doing?” She demanded with
her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. “Did you go in my
desk?”

Megan, too tired and too sad to fight, turned
in the chair to face her angry daughter. “I was looking for you,”
was all she could manage.

Olivia snagged the letter from her mother’s
hand and sat on the bed. Tears finally sprang free from her angry
eyes. “Great. Thanks for looking at my stuff. That’s just—” She
looked down and ripped up the letter. “It’s a stupid letter. I
wrote it when you first got sick. My counselor at school said it
might make me feel better, but it didn’t.”

Megan moved next to her daughter, letting her
head hang with the weight of a bag of flour. “Oh, Olivia, I’m so
sorry. I didn’t mean to get sick. I didn’t mean to be a bad mom, or
a mom who didn’t pay enough attention to you.” “But you
did
pay attention to me, Mom!” Her voice carried through the house, her
hurt raged in violent streams. “You paid
tons
of attention
to me, remember? Before you got sick? it’s just that now, now you
don’t…or can’t…or whatever. Now it just sucks.”

Megan’s heart broke with each of Olivia’s
words. She fingered the pile of pills in her pocket, thinking that
perhaps now wasn’t the right time to go. She needed more time to
help her daughter understand her illness, to just be with her,
emotionally and physically—and as much as she hadn’t wanted to do
it, she now felt an urgent need to tell Jack that he was Olivia’s
father.

“Livi, I’m so sorry. I want to be here for
you all the time. It’s just this damn sickness. I hate what it does
to me and what it takes from you! it takes all of my energy—every
bit of my strength. Sucks it right out of me and leaves me empty.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you if I could, don’t you know
that?” Megan reached out to Olivia, but Olivia stood and backed
away.

“Yeah, I know, Mom, but it hurts. Damn it, I
hurt too, you know?”

Megan heard the back door open as Olivia
continued to admonish her.

“It hurts so much to see you sick and not
know
when you’ll get better
, or if you even will. It kills
me, Mom! And you act like I’m not here sometimes—like you don’t
want me around—like tonight!” Olivia sobbed. She swiped at the
tears that ran down her cheeks, but was unable to stop the
flow.

Megan was taken aback at Olivia’s words, when
you’ll get better. Did she not understand their talk the other
night or was she just in denial?

“Oh, Livi! What can I do?” Megan asked. “I
want you there tonight, but I’m afraid, too. What if it makes you
closer to me, and then if…If…If something happens and you are too
close to me, then you are left—” she couldn’t continue. Sobs
wracked her slight body.

Olivia stepped in front of Megan and knelt
down, taking her fragile hands in her own young, strong hands. “But
Mom, that’s what I’m supposed to be, close to you. I’m your
daughter.” She laid her head in her mother’s lap, and Megan rested
her head on top of her daughter’s. Together they cried. “I’d rather
be with you than not with you…every day…until the end.”

Megan heard footsteps recede down the hall.
She lifted Olivia’s sad face and cradled it in her hands. “Livi, I
am very sick. I might even die soon, but there’s one thing you must
know.” She kissed Olivia’s forehead and took a deep breath, wiping
her daughter’s tears with her small hand, “One thing you must know,
Livi, is how very much I love you. When I’m gone,” she hesitated,
letting the words sink in, “remember we talked about this, okay?
Don’t ever doubt my love for you because it is endless, like the
sea. It will go on forever, no matter what happens in your life, no
matter what mistakes you make. My love for you is solid, like a
rock. I will never think anything less of you than seeing how
perfect you are. You will make mistakes, Livi. That’s normal, and
my love will still be strong for you. Never doubt that.” Olivia
nodded her head, unable to stop the flow of tears.

“When I leave this earth, you will live with
Holly and Jack. They love you.” She pulled her daughter into her
arms and held her there, feeling her heart beat against her own,
taking in the light innocent smell of teenager and child blended as
one, and hating god for taking her life away so early. The
unfairness of it all boiled in her blood, fueled her anger. “Now,
baby, let’s go and have ourselves a ritual!” She smiled at Olivia,
whose lips curled up around the edges at the thought of joining her
mother’s coveted club.

“Really, Mom? it’s okay? I mean, you don’t
have to,”

Olivia said, her voice a mere whisper.

“Really. get your CD player and let’s get
going, huh? They’ve probably all left by now.”

“No way!” Olivia’s happier tone slowly
returned. “They probably drank all of your alcohol and finished the
cake, but they’d never leave!”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Megan said.
She waited for her daughter to collect her CD player and wash her
face. Together, arm in arm, they walked downstairs.

Olivia whispered in her mother’s ear, “I love
you, Mom. You are everything to me.”

“Do you think she’s okay?” Peter asked Holly
in a hushed voice.

“I don’t know, Peter, it’s a hard time right
now. I pray every day that she’ll get better, but I don’t know. She
said she won’t, and without the meds, well,” Holly hesitated. “She
looks awful.”

“I know. I just can’t think about—” Peter’s
eyes welled with tears. Holly grabbed his arm and tugged him
further into the woods. “Peter, honey, you have to pull it
together. We can’t let her see you cry. Straighten up, okay? I know
it’s hard, but we have to be strong for her—and for poor Olivia.
Now let’s go.” With that said, she marched back into the yard and
threw her wood into the pit. Peter came out behind her and placed
his wood on the ground next to Holly’s feet.

Holly greeted Megan and Olivia with a warm
and pleased look. She squeezed between them, put her arm around
their waists, and rested her head on Megan’s shoulder.

“Happy birthday, chick. You know we love
you,” she said.

“I know you do. How could you not?” Megan
pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders and smiled.

Holly turned to Olivia and said, “Welcome to
our little nest, Livi.”

At that moment, a rush of sadness and joy
intertwined and wound its way through Olivia’s body, making her
blush and glow all at once.

Megan lit the tiki lights, and watched Olivia
walk toward the woods to gather flowers from the edge of the
garden. Holly and Peter chatted about something near the
fire—
life, no doubt
, Megan thought—not hers, just life in
general. How things are, who’s doing what, normal life issues.
Megan longed for normal conversation, not hedged with worry, but
now wasn’t the time for self pity. She had a ritual to start!

“Okay, girls and Peter! gather ’round!” Megan
said, drawing from deep within to gain strength. “ The time has
come for us to begin.” With the fire burning, the lights
flickering, and all of them gathered closely together in a circle,
Megan took out the blue CD from her bag and placed it in Olivia’s
CD player.

Holly beamed. She reached over and pressed
Play. Their ritual Buddhist chant filled the air. Each of them laid
their special hippie blankets out around the fire, like petals
jutting out from the stem of a beautiful flower. They sat cross
legged and eager.

Olivia’s heart pounded.
Oh my God! Oh my
God! I’m here!

“God, Meg, when can we change our chant?”
Holly pleaded, hands in a praying position. “I love you, and I love
our rituals. You make me spiritual, for god’s sake, but can’t our
chant be peppier?”

“You can’t change our chant! That’s what a
ritual is all about—the same thing year after year. Besides, it
isn’t supposed to be peppy. It’s not a dance, it’s a centering of
our souls, and unification of our minds—a blessing of our beings.
It is supposed to be peaceful and help you empty your mind of the
clutter and chaos. Surely you want to be at peace for just a few
moments in your life.” Megan winked at Olivia, who sat silent and
wide-eyed, granting respect to her mother’s ritual, and absorbing
it all. She did not want to miss a second.

“Yeah, once again you are right. I hate that.
Besides, it
is
your day,” Holly said.

They held hands and closed their eyes.
Megan’s skirt, another Provincetown favorite, billowed around her
thin legs in the light breeze. Her calves, exposed to the evening
air, tingled with a chill.

She began, “ Thank you for bringing us
together once again, oh Holy one.”
We need these times, we live
for them,
she thought. “ Thank you for bringing me to my senses
and allowing Olivia to be here and not letting me turn her away.
Thank you for my wonderful cake, my treacherous friends, and for
another year in which to keep our sanity by purifying ourselves
tonight.” She sensed the others sneaking knowing looks at each
other.

Silently, they lay back on their blankets,
eyes closed, and hands by their sides. Megan stole a glance at
Olivia, who followed her every movement and moved carefully,
desperately wanting to do exactly the right things at exactly the
right times.