Megan's Way (10 page)

Olivia blushed.

“You’re just a normal teenager. Everyone is
confused about everything when they’re a teenager.”

“Then I can’t wait to grow up.”

Peter swallowed hard,
Don’t rush it, kid.
It doesn’t get any easier
.

Megan’s entire body was on fire. She couldn’t
get out of bed, yet lying there hurt right through to her bones.
She reached into her nightstand and took another Percocet, left
over from her surgery. It sat in her throat like a gobstopper, hard
and wrong, taking far too long to make its way down her thin throat
and leaving a dull ache in its path. She had felt like that for
days, the aching through her bones. She’d been able to maneuver
through each day on pain medication and made a habit of staying
away from Olivia and Holly so they wouldn’t question her. While
Olivia was at school, Megan rested, and just before she arrived
home, Megan would take her car to the beach, and sleep in the
backseat while parked below three tall pine trees at the edge of
the parking lot—they provided just enough shade to keep her cool,
though she kept a blanket in the car for the moments when she found
herself shivering. The few pounds she had dropped over recent weeks
had left her chilly.

At night, Megan brought dinner home for
Olivia and they ate quietly in front of the television. Olivia
chatted about school, and Megan listened as best as she was able.
Megan continued to use the mural as her excuse for her exhaustion,
fabricating tales of spilled paint and bright hues that delighted
Olivia.

It had become a daily struggle for Megan to
hold on as the urge to end the pain was often so great it was all
encompassing, but she had promised herself that she would end her
life encircled by her friends, the people she loved.

As she looked around her bedroom, she
realized that putting things in order was out of the question and
felt badly for having to leave things undone. In her mind, she
rattled off the things she would do if she could: put clothes in
bags and mark them for whom they were intended, clean out the
entire house from unwanted or unnecessary junk, show Olivia each
special item she owned and tell her the story behind it (though
that she had already done many times before, and she knew Holly
could repeat every story, except the history of her Yin
necklace).

Megan was thankful that she had already
completed the necessary paperwork for Holly and Jack to adopt
Olivia, and that she had taken care of her will and life insurance
documents, which were both safely tucked away in her mahogany
chest.

The phone rang, startling Megan. She didn’t
answer it, choosing instead to roll over and rest. As she faded
toward sleep, she was overwhelmed with sadness. It was hard for her
to decipher what caused her the harshest grief: her impending death
or the pills. The Percocet won out and she fell quickly into
oblivion.

“Mom!” Olivia yelled as she walked in the
door. “Mom?”

Holly, whom Olivia had called after school
because she wanted to talk and couldn’t reach her mother, put her
hand on Olivia’s shoulder from behind, “Shh. She’s probably asleep.
She’s been working really hard.”

Olivia nodded and walked upstairs, dropping
her school books in her bedroom and walking quietly to her mother’s
room. Olivia was standing in her mother’s doorway with her hand
over her mouth when she again felt Holly’s hand on her shoulder.
She turned and buried her head in Holly’s chest, “Is she…dead?”

“No, baby, no!” Holly said, holding Olivia.
“She’s sleeping, honey.” Holly took in Megan’s rail-thin arms
spread across her covers, her gaunt face and body appeared as tiny
as a child’s surrounded by fluffy white pillows. She watched the
slight movement of the comforter, up and down, with each of Megan’s
shallow breaths. “Shh,” she whispered, “honey, she’s exhausted.
She’s sleeping.”

Olivia pulled away from Holly slowly, looking
at her mother. Her eyes wallowed in fear and relief. “Are you
sure?” she barely whispered.

“I’m sure.” Holly kept her arm around Olivia,
and felt the truth of the situation sink into her soul. She was
losing her best friend. Olivia was losing her mother. The last few
weeks had gone by so quickly that she hadn’t even noticed how
quickly Megan had emaciated, which was very apparent now as she
looked like a shrunken doll in her bed, the life sucked out of
her.

Olivia walked slowly into her mother’s room
and knelt by her bedside. She watched the minute movements of the
blanket on her mother’s chest. She smiled at her Winniethe-Pooh
doll, matted and loved, tucked under her mother’s shoulder. As her
tears fell, trembling began just below her knees and worked its way
up her body, spreading down her arms and up her neck. A strange
understanding washed over her as she realized just how sick her
mother was. The frantic feeling of dejection over what she was
losing left her as she exhaled and was replaced by one of
compassion, filling her lungs and her heart when she took a breath.
She reached up and pushed her mother’s curly hair away from her
face, her fingers gently outlined her mother’s cheekbones and ran
along the fine edge of her jaw. A tear slipped down her cheek,
landing on her mother’s pillow. Olivia moved slowly onto the bed
and snuggled into her, as close to Megan as she could without
waking her. She let out her breath, long and slow, and closed her
eyes.

Holly hovered in the doorway, crying, feeling
as though she were witnessing something far too intimate, too
private, and that she should walk away. She could not. She was
riveted by what was before her—the love that transcended their
bodies and enveloped them. Her heart ached for Megan and what she
would lose when she left this earth, and for Olivia, and the things
she would never experience with her own mother. Her legs felt
heavy, and as she tried to walk away, she found herself walking
slowly toward the bed, unable to turn away. She was driven, it
seemed, toward her lifelong best friend, her confidant, her soul
mate. She hesitated next to the bed for only a moment, and then
eased next to Megan’s other side, and draped her arm across her
friend, taking Olivia’s hand into her own. In the silence, their
breathing fell into an easy rhythm. It took only a few minutes for
Holly to realize that Olivia had fallen asleep.
Poor child, this
is too much
. She allowed herself to disappear into the comfort
of darkness, escaping the despair in her heart.

The dark night peeked through the curtains
which swayed in the breeze. Megan’s mind was confused, not sure
where she was or how long she had been asleep. The clock on the
nightstand read seven twenty-two.
Morning or night?
After
another moment of thought, she realized that it must be evening
because it was dark out. As the fog cleared from her head, she sat
up in bed and realized with a start that she must have slept all
day. Olivia! She placed her feet on the floor and tried to stand
up, but her legs were too weak. She heard footsteps padding down
the hall.

“Livi?” she said, just above a whisper. There
was no answer. Louder, she said, “Olivia?”

Holly peered into the bedroom. She hesitated,
smiled, and walked toward Megan doing all she could to keep from
crying. “Hi, honey. You were sleeping, so we didn’t wake you.”

Megan rubbed her eyes. “How long have you
been here? is Livi okay?” As she said the words, she placed her
hand on her stomach, feeling no odd pains, just overwhelming calm,
and she realized that Olivia was just fine, which Holly
confirmed.

“She’s watching television downstairs. I made
her dinner.” Holly sat close to Megan.

“Thanks, Hol. I’m so sorry. I must have been
really tired,” Megan looked away.

“We know, Meggie,” Holly whispered.

Megan sat silently, understanding the words,
but uncertain about what to say. Her eyes stared vacantly at the
wall in front of her.

“Meggie, we
know
. It’s okay,” Holly
said gently.

Megan looked down at her lap, examining her
palms as if it were the first time she had seen them. She ran her
index finger over the deep lines,
Lifelines
, she thought,
and let out a little sigh of skepticism.

“I’m sorry, Holly,” she said, and turned to
face her friend, whose eyes welled with tears. “I’m so sorry. I
just couldn’t let Olivia…let you guys, all of you, watch me fade
away, piece by piece, losing my mind, my hair, my…” Her words hung
in the air, not needing to be heard.

Tears rushed down Holly’s cheeks as she
pulled Megan

Into her arms, “Oh Meggie, shh,” she said,
comforting herself as much as Megan. “Meggie, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Megan’s tears soaked
Holly’s shoulder. She held on tighter, craving the embrace, letting
relief wash over her, and her lies of the last few weeks be whisked
away with her tears.

“I’ve been so afraid. I just didn’t know what
to do. The doctor said…” she sobbed, unable to continue.

“I know, honey. I called in a favor, and,
well, it wasn’t what the doctor told me, but what he didn’t.”

“I’m so sorry. I should have said something
but somehow I kept believing that this whole mess would go away,
that it wasn’t happening to me, that if I didn’t talk about it, by
some miracle, I would get better.” She turned away from Holly. “Now
look at me! My god, what have I done. To Olivia? To you? To
myself?”

“Megan, can we try something else? There are
all sorts of new treatments.”

“New treatments? Didn’t the great doctor tell
you? it’s in my bones, Holly—my bones for god’s sake! What are they
going to do, give me new bones? This god damn disease is stealing
me away piece by piece. I thought if I could just fade away quietly
that it would be easier!” Megan’s voice caught in her throat. She
threw her arms up toward the ceiling and cried,
“Treatments—treatments give hope. There is no hope. I don’t want
Olivia to watch me going through treatments again, hoping, praying
that I’ll get better when I won’t.” She paced the room, stopped,
turned toward Holly.

Holly tried not to lose control, though tears
flowed like a river down her cheeks. Her voice was soft, “Meg.” She
reached for her, hugged her close. “Shh, it’s okay. We’ll figure
this out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out,” Megan said
quietly. “It’s already been decided.”

They remained holding each other for what
seemed like hours, until the effort was too much for Megan’s weak
arms, and she let them fall to her side, allowing herself to look
into Holly’s eyes. “How is Olivia?” Panic rushed through Megan’s
body at the realization that Olivia knew what was happening to her.
Her body began to shake.

“She’s—” There were no words that would take
away Megan’s pain. Holly missed her already although she was right
there beside her. She had spent the last few hours talking with
Olivia about Megan and why she thought her mother had hidden her
illness. She cried with her, held her, and even absorbed much of
Olivia’s anger, which surprisingly, was less than Holly had
anticipated. “She’s just how you think she is, Meg,” Holly
said.

“I should have told her,” Megan said,
slumping over into herself. “I just couldn’t. I didn’t want her to
try and change my mind. I didn’t want her to hurt longer than she
had to.” Megan sighed, looked out the window, and whispered, “I
didn’t want to see her pain any longer than I needed to.” Hot tears
left glistening streaks on her face.

“What do you mean,
change your mind?
”
Holly sat up straighter, waiting to understand.

Megan pushed herself away, ashamed of the
selfishness of her decision.
Did I do this for me, or for
Olivia?
She summoned the will to stand, rising slowly,
determinedly, but unable to pull herself fully erect. gimping past
Holly to the window with her right arm holding her abdomen, she
looked outside and leaned her face against the screen in front of
the breeze, relishing in the coolness of it, the
life
in
it.

“It was my decision to stop taking the
medications,” Megan admitted, turning toward Holly, ready to take
her due. “The cancer came back
everywhere
, and there was
nothing they could do. It hit me fast and hard, I guess. The lucky
one, right?”

“Oh, Meg,” Holly said empathetically.

“The doctor said I could buy some time with
meds, but Holly, it would be a slow death. It would really be just
buying time
, not getting better. I just…I just couldn’t do
it. It was too much. I couldn’t live each day knowing I was giving
everyone hope when I really just had a few months left. It was—”
She couldn’t go on. The words stuck in her throat and formed an
unforgiving lump.

Holly went to her, held her again. “I know.
It’s okay.” She purred, “It’s okay, Meggie.”

“But it’s not okay!” Megan blurted out, loud
and strong. Her body was driven by anger. “It’s not okay! I
shouldn’t die before Olivia is even out of high school! I shouldn’t
die before she is an adult! She shouldn’t have to watch me die at
all! it’s not okay, Holly! it’s not!” Megan yelled. Adrenaline
pumped through her body as she paced around the bedroom on her
frail legs. She came to the edge of the bed, sat, and wept into her
hands, spitting her words out between the tears, “It’s not
okay!”

Megan jumped when she heard Olivia’s voice,
“Mom?” “Livi.” The word sounded unexpected as it left Megan’s
lips.

Olivia hurried to her mother’s side, wishing
she could burrow a hole into her mother’s skin and crawl inside
her. She held her tight, their grief commingled and came out as
large salty tears. Olivia clung to Megan as she had the night at
the police station. “Mama, I love you,” she said.