Many Shades of Gray (5 page)

Her family disapproved of her living in New York, blaming the city for the type of books she wrote. Her mother had told her many times that she needed to write something more uplifting. Her brothers thought she’d betrayed them personally for not portraying black men as more heroic. For some crazy reason they thought if she returned home she would change back into Mary Jo Adams. She wouldn’t. To hear them tell it, she should be leading a revolution. They thought she’d sold out simply because she didn’t write books that featured predominately African American characters. And when she did, they didn’t like the way she portrayed the male characters. Who the hell were they to criticize her? They should have been proud of her for being willing to admit the truth. Not all black men behaved honorably. Instead, they acted as if she carried the plague.

No one would even accept money from her, money that they knew she had, money that she knew would buy extras. It wasn’t as though they really needed her money, but it would have been fun to have been allowed to shower them with gifts. Yet they wouldn’t hear of it. No, they behaved as though her money were tainted.

Her mother had told her she couldn’t take money from a daughter who’d prostituted her soul to write smut. That remark had hurt, but when she’d received a million dollars advance from Simon, she’d soon gotten over that hurt. And she had a hell of a lot more to thank Simon for. He’d invested all of her money in sure things and she knew even without him she would never want for anything. Anything, that is, except companionship.

For now she had that with Simon. Why he wanted to be with her, only God knew. She wasn’t even nice to him most time, though there were times she wanted to be. But she couldn’t soften toward him. She couldn’t afford to show him she cared or have him think her weak. If she so much as showed a crack, he would toss her out like yesterday’s newspaper. For now he was the only one who wanted her. No one else could stand her and she knew it. Hell, if her fans were around her for more than five minutes at a time she would lose them. It was becoming harder and harder for her to control her temper, to be nice. She was constantly on edge, screaming on the inside, wondering what had gone wrong with her life, her plans.

And Simon had reminded her what had gone wrong. Tommy Strong had gone wrong. She’d loved him with every breath. And she hated Simon at the moment for reminding her of her loss.

Janice studied Simon, wishing she didn’t always have to worry about protecting herself. “Simon, I don’t like what you did.”

“I know.”

“Don’t do it again.”

“Are you going to talk to me?” He was talking softly, not promising her anything but willing to listen. “Every time that I asked you about the men in your life you never answered me. I wanted to know. I can deal with your not loving me.” He paused and swallowed the lie. “But the one thing I can’t take is finding out later that you’re carrying a torch for another man. And the only man in your past I could find was Tommy Strong.”

“What did you think I was going to do? Fall into his arms?”

“I didn’t know.”

She shook her head slowly and walked to him. “What I had with him was twelve years ago. It’s over.”

“Everyone that…every report said you were madly in love with him. No one knows what happened, no one. Even Mr. Strong wouldn’t open up about your relationship.”

She eyed him now with more than curiosity. It was with an anger that burnt from her core and through her. “You had someone question him about me?”

“He didn’t know. He thought it was a woman interested in him.”

Janice closed her eyes tight against the thought of Simon’s paid investigator discussing her with the man who’d broken her heart. “What did he tell this plant that you sent in?”

“About the same as you’ve told me, nothing. He told her that his private affairs were just that, his private affairs. I’ve never seen two people more close-mouthed about a twelve-year dead relationship. If it’s over and long buried, why can’t either of you talk about it?”

“Maybe it’s not that we can’t. Maybe we just don’t want to. Did you ever think about that?” She decided to try another tactic. “Simon, I’ve never asked you about the women in your life.”

That’s because you don’t give a damn, he thought, but to her he said, “You never had to. My entire life has been written up in the papers. Every time I’ve so much as smiled at a woman the world has known.”

“I don’t believe everything that I read, you should know that.”

“Why haven’t you ever asked me if I’ve been in love?”

“What difference would it make? If you said yes, should I be upset or jealous that you don’t love me? And if you said no, what do you think I should do then? Try and make you love me?”

Simon put his left thumb into his mouth and bit down on it as he studied Janice. Surely she couldn’t be that blind or that naïve. Then again, the way they were forever snapping at each other, why should she think he gave a damn?

“Did he break your heart?”

“What difference does it make?”

“Maybe all the difference in the world, maybe none. Most of the time bitterness and anger come from unrequited love. Is that what happened between you and Mr. Strong? Was your love unrequited? Baby, did he spurn you?” He wanted to add, “The way you spurn me,” but stopped.

“If you’re asking if he broke up with me, you could say it was a mutual thing.”

“I understand he left town.”

“I didn’t know that was a crime.”

“Your friends all thought that was strange, as close as the two of you were.”

“If they were really my friends, they wouldn’t have talked to your people, now would they?”

“Did they get it right? Did he leave town and leave you?”

“He left town,” Janice admitted. “But he returned and I left for good,” she added.

“Did you leave before he returned or after?”

Simon really was giving her a terrible headache with all of his incessant questions. She didn’t want to remember any of it. He had no right to dredge up her past. “I don’t see how this is helping anything.”

“I told you, I want to know what I’m up against.”

“Simon, it hasn’t bothered you for three years. Why now?”

“We’re getting married.”

“If it’s making you this crazy, why do you want to go through with the marriage?”

“Honestly,” he tipped her chin with his finger, “I don’t know. I must be a glutton for punishment. I have women throwing themselves at me all day, every day. I don’t have to put up with your abuse if I don’t want to, and if I were you, Janice, I would be careful. Someday I might choose not to.”

They stared at each other, this time without either of them glaring. Simon had struck a nerve. He knew that when he threatened to leave she would clam up. For all her big talk, he knew she didn’t want him to leave. He served a need in her life, the same as she served one in his. And now he wanted to know what need he served for her.

Admittedly they were good in bed together, but Simon had never thought that his prowess couldn’t be matched. And he wasn’t crazy enough to think that Janice couldn’t have any man she crooked her little finger at, and God help them, if she smiled at one, they would be a goner.

He knew there was something specific that kept her in his bed and even though he harped on the fact that he knew it was his money, Simon knew that wasn’t all of it.

Sure, she enjoyed the power but he had sensed more than that for the past couple of years. She would never admit it, but he’d seen her eyes light up more than once when he unexpectedly showed up somewhere that she happened to be. He would watch her in fascination as a metamorphosis took place and she consciously distanced herself from him.

The first time she’d done it, the act had taken him by surprise. His heart had jumped for joy, knowing that she was happy that he’d shown up for a signing unannounced. But when he had been about to greet her, her brown eyes had slid over him and she’d barely spoken, as though he didn’t matter.

After the third time he’d watched carefully and seen her struggling to wipe the smile from her face, to take the stars from her eyes, and she’d almost not made it. She’d smiled warmly at him and grinned before going back to behaving as though he were just another who wanted her autograph.

It was then he’d known she cared for him and then that he’d become aware that she neither wanted to care about him nor wanted him to care about her. He’d noticed her pattern on those times. Those would be the nights she’d be like a block of ice in bed, as though she had to pound it home to herself and to him that he meant less than nothing to her. The trouble with that was that he didn’t believe her and because he didn’t believe her, he’d fallen deeper.

For more than two years Simon had tried different ways to make Janice break, to drop the charade, but nothing worked, not jewelry, not sweet talk, not fighting. And always she presented him with the same false front she presented to the world. The thing was, he knew it was fake. When she screamed out and held him close, he knew she gave a damn.

Sometimes when he’d wake to find her hands stroking him softly, he knew she was where she wanted to be and he’d lie there pretending to sleep. When she knew he was awake, she would stop. Then he would take over and make love to her. On those mornings they would make love with such exquisite sweetness that it took his breath away. During those times it had been hard for Simon to keep his words to himself.

“I’ve made my choice,” Simon said softly. “As evil as you are, I still want to marry you.”

“Then let it drop. Either you want to marry me or you don’t,” she snapped and walked away from him, leaving him to wonder if things would change once they were married. Would she continue to pretend she didn’t care? Or would she finally crack that hard shell and let him in? And if she didn’t, would he keep pretending as well?

Simon was sure of only one thing: He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage. He’d meant it when he told Janice that he never planned to divorce. He wanted a family and he wanted it with Janice. But he also wanted love.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “This is getting really old,” he said, “and I’m tired. Let’s call a truce for just a few hours. We can continue snapping at each other later.” He held out his hand to her. “What do you say?”

For a long moment Janice stood looking at Simon, not wanting to fight, not wanting to give in either. She feared showing him she was weak more than she feared anything. Still, she didn’t want to fight and definitely not about Tommy.

She could have ended his questions and just told him that she’d broken up with Tommy because she found that he didn’t love her, at least not as much as she’d loved him. She could have told Simon that when she’d needed Tommy the most, he hadn’t been there for her. And she could tell him that she’d sworn to never turn power over her heart to anyone else.

Janice sighed and stuck out her hand. “I’m also tired,” she replied, forcing herself to look at Simon. She saw the pain in his gaze, something she’d seen a little more often in the past months and a tiny pin prick of conscience seized her.

“Tommy was once important in my life. He’s not anymore. You didn’t have to give him a million dollars as bait to find that out. What were you doing exactly, Simon, paying him to tell you all my dirty little secrets or ensuring that he would never be tempted to touch me?”

She watched as his eyes crinkled and he smiled. “I’m not sure.”

“Since I haven’t seen him in all these years, why would you think I’d see him in the future?”

Again he shrugged. “I don’t know. I just wanted to see your eyes when you saw him.”

“Did you get your answers?”

“I’m not sure. You hate him and he hates you, that much is obvious. But I don’t know why after so much time your emotions would be that strong. It makes me wonder if your love was equally as strong.” He held her gaze and she trembled slightly.

“Its ancient history, Simon, let it stay buried. We have a truce, let’s enjoy that.” She smiled, knowing the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes but doing it anyway. “I think we can think of better things to do.” She cocked her head a little. “Don’t you?”

“Are you serious?” Simon asked, his suspicions rising but his libido rising faster. Janice had never allowed him to make love to her again after she’d taken her shower. In the shower, yes, but once she was out and had dressed, that was it until later.

Simon could feel the grin claiming his face. He’d never refused loving when Janice was in the mood, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to start now. He reached for her outstretched arm and pulled her close, then frowned at the mess she’d made in the room.

“You’re going to have to pay for this,” he informed her. “Your mess, you take care of it.”

“Don’t worry, I never expected you to cover the cost.” She grinned back at him. “Well, maybe I did but I don’t need you to. By the way, how are my investments doing?”

“As long as I’m managing your money you don’t have to worry about it. Leave that worry to me. I’ll do what I need to do when I need to do it. That’s my promise to you.”

Janice didn’t know why, but Simon’s promise had sounded a bit like a threat. She decided to ignore it. She was going to be on Jay Leno. That thought alone had definitely put her in the mood to make love. Well, that and the fact that she wanted to push Tommy out of Simon’s mind. She wanted to make him stop digging. She sank into the bed, accepting her fiancée’s probing tongue and fingers and held him tight to her. This was her life now. This was what she wanted.