Many Shades of Gray (27 page)

She paused and sighed again. “We had a big fight. He didn’t believe me, didn’t believe I would or could have an abortion. He said I could have done that only if I hated him and I told him that I did.” Janice stopped talking. “I didn’t lie, I did hate him.”

“I can see why you hated him. Why did he hate you?” Simon interrupted.

“He wouldn’t let it go. He said I had no right to do what I’d done, that he was the father and he had rights also. He started talking crazy, about suing me and suing the doctor, so I told him I wasn’t even sure if the baby was his. He tried to make me say I was lying. He was so angry. It was as though I had trampled on his manhood. He didn’t tell me that he would have loved the baby, that he loved me. He just kept talking about his rights. He didn’t have rights to my body; he couldn’t tell me what to do.

“He called me a selfish bitch and at that moment I knew he was right. And I didn’t mind. In fact I rather liked it. I liked it so much that I decided a bitch was what I wanted to be. And that’s what I’ve been. That’s what I’ve been to you for three years, a bitch,” Janice said softly. “You didn’t deserve a bitch in your life, Simon.”

“What made you tell me?” Simon asked.

“Because I do know.”

“What do you know, baby?”

“I know that I’m important to you.”

A surge of joy filled him and he began kissing her but she stopped him.

“And you’re very important to me.” She stared deeply into his eyes. “You’re very important to me, Simon.” Janice repeated. “I love you.”

Simon blinked. He couldn’t have heard right. “Say that again,” he asked softly. “I think I’m hearing things.” It felt as if he’d waited a lifetime to hear those words.

“I love you.” Janice smiled shyly, looked down, then back up into his eyes. “I love you. I’m marrying you because I love you and you’re very important to me.”

He crushed her to him and spun around with her in his arms. And then he kissed her as if it were the last time that he would taste her, holding her so tightly that he knew he should loosen his hold. “Thank you, baby.”

Now he understood what his leaving her without a word had done to her, and he knew why she’d told him tonight. She’d thought he was going to leave her again.

“I wasn’t going to leave,” he said in her ear. “I was only going to sleep in another room.”

“I didn’t want you sleeping in another room. I wanted you here with me. I wanted you to know.”

“How does it feel?”

“Scary.” she admitted. “Like I just handed you a loaded gun pointed at my heart.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, baby. I’m going to love you and I’m going to prove to you that you were right to trust me with your heart.”

He felt her tremble and a trace of doubt came into her eyes. “I’m going to prove it,” he restated. He kissed her earlobes, his hands going underneath her top to rub her beautiful brown skin.

“You’re so soft,” he moaned, desire filling him, “and you’re so sweet.” He undressed her, held her in his arms and moaned, “You’re what I’ve wanted always and when we’re done tonight you’re not going to doubt either of us.” And he began loving every inch of her, filling the tiny cervices of his heart with her love; places that had been empty his entire life. He’d waited a lifetime for her love and now he finally felt complete.

Janice gave in to the heat, the searing, burning heat. It felt as if the room was moving and she’d gotten caught in a whirlwind, and was spinning faster and faster. This was different from anything she’d ever known. He was inside her, filling her, and she was shaking, crying, knowing that this was right, knowing that she’d thought she would never experience this. She was still fearful as she realized that Simon was claiming more than her body.

He was doing as he’d always said he wanted to do. He was claiming her soul. He was claiming all of her and she knew that when they were done she could never pretend again. She felt herself falling into a void as her climax approached, something that had never happened. “Simon,” she screamed, “I’m falling.”

“Don’t worry, baby, let go. I’ll be there to catch you.”

She felt his thrust and she clung to him. “I love you,” she moaned and gave up her fight to stay afloat. She fell backwards into the abyss, trusting Simon to be there to catch her.

“Simon,” she moaned and screamed out again.

“I’m here, baby,” he said.

When she reached her destination he was there. She was in his arms and she knew she’d been branded. She belonged to him and he belonged to her. “I love you, baby,” he repeated over and over.

She felt the heat of his tears. “I know. I love you too.”

This was it. This was the culmination of a lifetime of dreams and hopes, something he’d never thought he would have. As much as he’d loved Janice, as great as their physical coupling was, it had never been like this. This was the first time in three years that she’d given him everything. She’d given him her heart and soul and he’d given her his. He felt her trembling in his arms. He didn’t blame her, he was trembling also. He stroked her hair. Maybe they would be able to break his family curse after all.

“Any regrets?” he asked.

“Only that I waited so long.”

“We can make up for lost time.”

Janice laughed. “You know, it seems like we’ve been doing an awfully of making up lately. I’m beginning to wonder if you didn’t set some of this stuff up just so we could make up.”

”If I had thought about it I would have.”

They lay together in blissful silence, both knowing that the changes that had taken place in the bed would challenge them in their daily lives.

“So what are you going to tell my mom in the morning?”

“I’ll lie.” Simon laughed. “I’ll tell her that we stayed up all night talking.”

“I wouldn’t mind staying up all night, but not to talk.” Janice’s voice had turned soft and sultry and filled with emotions. She couldn’t stop smiling. Nor could she stop Simon from looking at her the way that he was, as though she were someone very special. But it didn’t matter because she didn’t want him to.

The Statute of Liberty beckoned as she’d always been meant to do, a symbol of hope. Janice grinned at her mother before turning her gaze toward Simon who was a short ways off with her father, probably having a private chat, just as she was supposed to be doing.

Her mother started the conversation “This has been a good trip. I’m glad that we came and I’m glad that we got to meet Simon. We like him.”

Janice was listening and at the same time smiling at Simon. “I’m glad, Mom.”

“Something’s changed, you’re acting different.” Carol’s eyes raked over her daughter. Then she knew. “You told Simon that you loved him, didn’t you?”

This time Janice brought her eyes to her mother and continued smiling. “Yes, I told him. Why not? I do. I love him, Mom.”

Her mother grabbed her in a hug as Janice had known she would do and Janice hugged her back.

“Why has it taken you so long? What happened with Tommy?”

“Nothing I want to talk about, Mom. It’s been over for a long time.”

“I have my suspicions.”

“I know.”

“Are they correct?”

“Mom, just let it go. I don’t want to rehash old history.”

“But Simon—”

“I haven’t held anything back from him.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want to,” Janice said, amused, “and I’m not going to.”

Her mother kissed her cheek. “So you’ve got a bit of fire back in you. Now you want to fight with me.”

“You make it sound as if I was always looking for fights and that something was wrong when I didn’t.”

“That’s because it’s true. You fought in the womb and you fought from the day you came out. You used to drive me crazy. But when you stopped fighting, that drove me even crazier.” Carol looked toward Simon. “I’m glad he was able to do what I couldn’t.”

Janice studied her mother. “I hope you’re not blaming yourself for things I’ve done. I made my own choices.” She hugged her mother. “I’m thinking that she wants us to start over.” Janice pointed her finger at Lady Liberty. “And so would I.”

“You’re really not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“No, Mom, I’m not.”

“Not even with Simon? What did that man finally say to you to get you to admit that you love him? He said he’d been trying for a long time.”

“That’s between me and Simon.”

Her mother grinned. “I bet Simon will tell me. He’s trying to make points.”

“You noticed, huh?”

“Oh yes, I noticed. So all I have to do is cozy up to him.”

Janice smiled, knowing that there was nothing on earth that would make Simon divulge the truth of her confession to her mother. In that she trusted him explicitly. The secret torment she’d carried for so long had felt like a boulder pressing down on her. Simon had relieved her of that.

“Simon won’t tell you a thing, Mom. I’m not worried about him.”

“What did you do, exchange a secret for a secret?”

Janice blinked, then shook her head a little and stared at the mother. “What are you talking about?”

“Everybody has skeletons in their closest. I just figured he opened his closet for you.”

Janice smiled a bit uneasily. Her mother was right, everyone did have secrets. She’d never wondered what Simon’s secret was. She’d been too busy protecting her own.

“Don’t worry about it, baby.”

“I’m not worried.”

“Of course you are. I can see your mind whirling right now, wondering what it is that Simon is hiding from you. The most important thing is that he loves you. That, the man couldn’t hide in a million years.”

Janice glanced once more toward Simon as they hugged. She wondered about Simon’s skeletons and blamed her mother for creating the question. Could her mother have done it deliberately? Most likely she’d said it because she hadn’t shared anything with her about Tommy. Regardless of the reason, Janice was determined to avoid negative thoughts.

“You know, I hate to come this far and not see Tommy.”

There it was. Janice had known it. This whole thing had something to do with Tommy.

“But Simon asked you here to get to know him, not to visit the competition.” Janice was just a bit annoyed that her mother would think of visiting Tommy. “Mom, Tommy and Simon don’t—”

“I know,” her mother laughed, interrupting her. “They don’t get along. Tell me when two men who loved the same woman have ever gotten alone.”

“Tommy doesn’t love me anymore.”

Her mother laughed and Janice looked at her, puzzled. “Are you saying that he still does?”

“Would it make a difference in how you feel about Simon?”

“Of course not,” Janice answered quickly.

“Then why did you ask?” her mother retorted.

Touché, they were back at it again. “I was just asking.”

“Don’t even think about it. It won’t do you a bit of good to wonder what if. You’re not wondering what if, are you, baby?”

Her mother’s eyes held a look Janice couldn’t read. You’re not going to get me that easily, she thought.

“No, I’m not wondering what if. Like I said, Tommy and I are ancient history. You said you liked Simon. The way you’re behaving, it seems like you’re rooting for Tommy.”

“I’m rooting for the man your heart wants.”

“And who do you think that is?”

“I wouldn’t know. It’s been a long time since I could read you. But I know that this man here,” she looked in Simon’s direction, “loves you and I know that he’s done something for you that none of us were able to do in a dozen years, including Tommy. I’m not going to lie and tell you that I don’t have a fondness for that boy. I always did. He was in our home more than he was in his own and I still go to church with his entire family. Yes, I had always thought one day the two of you might find your way back together. But I’m not trying to put stumbling blocks in your path. It’s just that Tommy’s mother knew I was coming here and so did Tommy. How do you think it would look if I came all this way and didn’t see him?”

Janice did understand. She could see all the church ladies’ tongues wagging now if her mother didn’t look up the child of an old friend and church member. She groaned inwardly. “Simon has planned out almost every minute of your stay. I know I should have stopped him, but he was having so much fun,” Janice said weakly.

She was wondering how Simon would feel and caught herself. She was worrying about him. She laughed. What a difference a few days made. What a difference saying those three little words had made in everything.

“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt his feelings.” Carol smiled.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. It’s there plain as day on your face.”

“Can you really see it that clearly?” Janice asked, frowning slightly. She wasn’t thrilled about being an open book. It was one thing to tell Simon that she loved him and another thing entirely to be an open book to him.

While her thoughts were on Simon, it was as though her energy reached out to him. He turned from talking with her father to smile at her. She felt her heart melt a little more. Damn Simon, she thought. When he was done with her she would have absolutely no armor left.