Manhattan Muse: A Contemporary Romance (5 page)

The first time I could remember being cognitively present was the night of the Emmy’s. I had asked Sophia, my personal nurse, to raise my bed into a sitting position so that I could watch while she fed me each spoonful of my meal.

I was still recovering from my surgery, which had been performed successfully. The tumors
were removed and each test showed positive results. I was on the road to recovery. However, it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I was left crippled with pain as my body reacted to the chemotherapy and I had scars from both of my breasts being removed. All of my hair had fallen out over the course of the treatment and every movement brought searing pain to my joints and limbs.

Even though I was in excruciating pain, I had told Sophia that I didn’t want to miss the Grammys. I wanted to see
Nate, who had visited me and left every kind of flower on my bedside table, walk the red carpet in his designer suit, smile at the camera, and wave to me in my hospital bed. I needed to see his eyes penetrate deep into mine so that I could hold on. I wanted to feel his longing from my absence and scrutinize every inch of him that I hadn’t been able to touch in months.

As I slowly turned my head to the side, I was greeted by an array of blue and lavender roses today. A smile escaped my lips before I turned back to the TV.

“Would you like me to open your pudding cup?” Sophia said, taking a seat beside me.

“No,” I managed as I reached for it. After a few excruciating moments, my hands gripped the plastic container but no matter how hard I pulled at the tab, I couldn’t free it from the glue lining the rim.

“I got it,” Sophia said, butting in to help.

“No,” I said still attempting to free it from its confines. However, after my last ditch effort of throwing it against the wall and watching it bust in a chocolaty mess on the starch white walls, I broke down. I cried the hardest my body could, each convulsion crippling me with pain.

“It’s OK, Molly,” Sophia said, trying to calm the situation. “It’s going to be OK.”

I felt her arms wrap around my shoulder, rubbing my throbbing throwing arm.

“It’s OK, honey,” Sophia said. “I’ll get you another one. You are doing so well.  Every day I see how hard you work – everyone on the floor sees it. Don’t beat yourself up. We love you. He loves you.”

And with that, my focus went to the screen, watching him in
all of his glory walk the red carpet in a stunning tailored Gucci suit alongside his co-star, sporting a beautiful flowing designer gown and silver clutch. I saw his arm wrap around her shoulders, drawing her in for a paparazzi picture. I scrutinized every ounce of their chemistry, and thought of all of the things that I hadn’t been able to give him in six months.

Oh, how I would love to sweep my fingers through his golden locks, feel his lips press against mine, kiss the freckles lining his neck, or be nestled in his tight embrace once more. Sadly, I couldn’t. I had to wait. I had to get better.

He was the only person who was keeping me going.

“You know,” Sophia said with a smirk. “Every time he comes to visit you and places your hand in his….” She wrapped her hand around mine for emphasis. “Your heart rate shoots through the roof kind of like it’s doing now.”

It was then that I realized the incessant beeping of the heart rate monitor sounding in the background. I hadn’t noticed until now. I had been too mesmerized by the sight of my beau to pay any attention.

“He always has the biggest smile on his face when it happens,” Sophia said, a laugh escaping her lips. “Because it proves that, no matter how hard you try to hide it, you are just as much in love with him as he is with you.”

“It should be a crime to drug someone this much,” I slurred as Sophia helped me into my wheelchair to take me on a walk. The world was spinning around me and I knew with as much pain killers as were pulsing through my veins, I wouldn’t remember anything that happened today. “This is how people get addicted and end up in rehab.”

“You are in rehab, Grumpy Pants,” Sophia said, laughing lightly.

“I’m not Grumpy,” I said, regretting each word that I spoke. Every movement hurt and I was beginning to think that it was easier to take a vow of silence for the next few months. “I don’t feel good.”

“I know, baby,” Sophia said. She slowed the wheelchair and dropped down on her knee in front of me. “I know you just want to get back on the dance floor, but we have a lot of work to get you there. You’ve come so far. You walked the length of the hallway the other
day, and to the bathroom all by yourself.”

I looked away
from Sophia in humiliation. It was true – I couldn’t do anything by myself anymore. I couldn’t lift a fork to my own mouth. I couldn’t clean myself up in the restroom. I was helpless and dependent – two qualities I refused to submit to for my entire life.

She wheeled me the rest of the block in silence before returning me to my bed. I was so angry that I couldn’t think about anything but my frustrations. For once, I was glad the drugs sedated me and allowed me to slip away into a deep sleep.

I was awaken
ed by a zipper running the length of a bag. Through my cloudy vision, I saw a blob at the side of my bed raise a finger to its lips. The glow of the fluorescent lights made a dark mass of spikes glisten in their beams. The figure slipped a surgical mask over its mouth before folding into my sheets, enveloping me with its limbs.

“I wanted to see if you were alright,” it hummed into my ear. I felt his beard prickle against my cheeks and was automatically thrown back in time to the memory of that same stubble grazing my breasts in the most emotional night of my life.

“Adam,” I managed before a tear crept down my cheek to let me wallow in my sorrow. That experience could never be recreated after the procedures I had just undergone. All that it could ever be was a memory. This realization made me overwhelmed with emotion.

“I’m so sorry, Moo-Moo,” Adam said, cuddling me closer. “You deserve better than him.”

In my drugged stupor, I was still certain I had heard him wrong. I was confused and, as my mind raced through all of the possible things that one phrase could mean, I was praying it wasn’t the one I began dwelling on.

“What?” I breathed.

“Did you not hear?” Adam said, sitting up. I saw his pupils dilate in fear. After two more moments of crippling silence while he tried to gather his words, he finally spoke. “Nate… Nate was spotted taking Minka, his costar, home after the Grammys. I… I have the texts. I’m friends with her.”

My heart sank into the
depths of the bed as he pulled out his phone. As he showed me the texts and gossip sites, I lost feeling in my limbs. My breathing became shaky as the heart rate monitor shot through the roof. The anxiety crippled me as nurses flew into the room and began yelling at Adam to leave. Arms flailed through the air and mouths moved, but all I heard was a constant ringing in my ear.

As
Adam was shoved through the door and out of the hospital, the nurses believed they had solved the problem as they sedated me with more medication. They didn’t realize that the damage had already been done.

Everything I had been holding onto had just snapped in half and I was left holding its feeble end.

The TV lit up HLNs Weekend Express as I dealt myself a game of Solitaire. I always liked listening to Natasha Curry and, after running my eyes over her perfect teeth and flowing brunette tufts, I had decided that she was the look I would try to emulate when I got better.

I wanted the full bodied wig, even lashes, and the perfect blush to swipe across my pale cheeks. I wanted a collection of bold lipsticks, a chic wardrobe, and fabulous earrings. However, I
had to make a mental note to myself to perfect walking in heels.

As I was struggling to flip over the next card in my stack, a light knock sounded at the door.
Peering towards the door, I saw two bodies through my privacy curtain. One belonged to Sophia while the other was indiscernible because it wasn’t fully in my line of sight.

“Molly?” Sophia called hesitantly.

“Yes?” I said, continuing my game.

Her hand swept the length of the curtain so that she could talk to me beside my bed.

“You have a visitor,” Sophia said. The way she was looking at me told my brain to kick into panic mode. “However, I told him you might be too tired for visitors.”

“Who is it?” I whispered, growing worried.

“It’s Nate, honey,” Sophia said. Her face molded into an expression of remorse as the words rolled off of her tongue.

I turned my head away from the door as soon as I heard his name. I couldn’t do this now. I wasn’t
emotionally prepared. I hadn’t thought of a way to deal with this situation, and I refused to bring it up while I was still trying to recover. I wanted to get answers but I found that it was easier to lie to myself.

I wasn’t pretending that it never happened, nor was I completely set on forgiving him.  However, I was in a phase where I could understand his motive.
I’d been gone for months, he was succeeding in all the right ways with his career, and I wasn’t anything special compared to the people he associated with on a daily basis. Over the past week, I have kept asking myself if I would do the same thing if the roles were reversed and sometimes I find myself saying yes.

However, now was not the time to work myself up over something so
petty. I might have caved. I was beginning to believe that I should put myself before others and not use Nate as a reason to get better. I should be fighting for myself. This is why I had to decline his visitation.

“No,” I whispered. It was painful to say but I had to stay strong. “I can’t.”

“I understand,” Sophia said before exiting out the door and speaking to the bulky silhouette in the hallway. Taking a vase of flowers from its hands, I watched as Sophia gently told him my message.

“What?”
Nate yelled from the hallway. His voice squeezed my insides and I felt my pulse elevate. “No, wait. You have to let me see her!”

My ears stopped registering sound after I saw his body express every one of his emotions.
I watched his arms extend into an open gesture before his shadow collapsed to its knees on the floor.

That was the hardest thing to do. However, with concerns for my health, it was also the smartest.

“Alright, Miss Molly,” Sophia said lifting up my bed so that I could sit upright. “It’s time to go. Your sentence is up.”

I let a grin slip out the side of my mouth as I caught wind of her joke. Our eyes locked as she helped me into the chair
and set my wig in place. After a touch-up on my makeup, she rolled me into the lobby. Once we had rounded the corner, a familiar face filled my view as it jumped up from its seat and beamed.

“Molly,” Adam said, breathlessly.

“That’s my name,” I said as Sophia finished up the paperwork. “Don’t wear it out.”

“Listen to this one,” Sophia said, having Adam sign on the dotted line. “She’s been like this for the past two weeks.”

I watched as Sophia and Adam packed up my gifts in boxes and lugged them out to the parking lot. After the last box had found its place in the trunk, Adam rolled me to the passenger’s side of his Mercedes A-series.

“So,” Adam said, fishing for things to say. After being apart for more than six months, I would have guessed it would be easier. However, I hadn’t taken into consideration where one would start their recap. “What is the one thing you have been looking forward to?”

I know what everyone was thinking I was going to say, but for the past couple weeks I had been trying to keep realistic expectations. While I would love to pick up dancing where I had left off, I knew that I had a lot of muscle mass and form to build back.

“Cooking,” I said. I smiled at the thought. “I really miss macaroni and cheese pizza.”

Adam burst out laughing. Sophia followed in toe a few seconds behind.

“Of all of the things you could say you missed,” Adam said, picking me up and setting me in the car. I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my nervous system with his touch.
My hands, which were splayed across his broad shoulders, felt each muscle tense beneath my fingertips. “You say cooking your own meals.”

I fastened my seat belt slowly, letting the anticipation build, before looking up at him.

“Adam, I lost my breasts,” I said, gazing deep into his eyes. “Not my mind.”

“Oh, wow,” Adam said while looking at Sophia. “She does have a mouth.”

He closed the door before walking around the car to open his own. Getting in, he turned the ignition and revved the engine. Taking my hand in his, he eased out of the parking lot and drove slow the rest of the way home so that I could take in all of the views I had missed during the months I was gone.

When we had made it to my doorstep, he carried me up the stairs and let me unlock my door. As it swung open, I saw that everything was how I had left it. However, a layer of film stretched across every surface. I knew I would have to dedicate an entire day to scrubbing its depths.

“Everything is in its rightful place,” Adam said, walking over to the counter where I keep my keys, bills, and house phone. “However, I did go to the trouble of restocking your refrigerator and turning on your internet.”

I looked at him skeptically.

“How did you do that?” I said. “You aren’t even on the account.”

“I promised I would send the woman a signed copy of our new record before it hits stores,” Adam said. “Oh, by the way, if your internet gets shut off, you know I forgot to do that.”

I gave him a glare before leaning up against my counter. I took in the scent of my home – the crisp smell of vanilla and me that I had become so accustomed to and missed all in one.

“Which also reminds me,” Adam said, walking towards me coyly. He wrapped his arms around my waist and planted the softest kiss on my lips. “I wrote a lot about you while you were gone.”

A copy of his new CD was placed in my grasp, partially to occupy my hands.

“Adam,” I said softly.

“Yes?” Adam said. His mouth grazed my neck and his hands spread the open back of my dress.

“I’m still in my hospital robe,” I said. “And I smell like death.”

“Right,” Adam said before moving into the living room. I heard his voice crack with emotion. “I will be in here until your live-in nurse gets here. Then I will be at The Plaza. Go about your business. Don’t mind me.”

I waited for my smile to fade before turning to reminisce in my quarters.
Usually it was hard to read Adam because he tends to bottle up his emotions. However, today I could tell that he was being sincere.

That realization made my heart flutter for the first time since it had been broken.