Mad About You (26 page)

‘Well, you know, what I mean is … that whole other drama is over. Right?’

‘What drama?’

‘Come on,’ he hissed.

Babs patted him on the cheek. ‘Chill out, Gary, you’re becoming paranoid.’

He grabbed her arm. ‘Don’t play games with me. Did you sort it out?’

Babs yanked her arm away. ‘I guess you’ll just have to wait and see.’ She strutted out of the shop, swinging her hips as she went.

That Wednesday, filming was cancelled due to some technical hitch, so Babs spent the day with me. Although she’d never admit it, she still didn’t like being on her own.

I was making coffee for us when my phone buzzed. Babs picked it up. ‘Bloody hell!’ she exclaimed.

I snatched the phone:
I had hot sex with James yesterday. Now dont u think its time to bugger off back to Ireland.
I let out a scream of pure frustration.

‘Jesus, my eardrums!’ Babs complained.

I was devastated. James and I had been getting on quite well since my illicit snog. We hadn’t received any parcels or messages and I was beginning to think maybe the ignoring tactic had worked and the stalker had stopped.

‘I can’t take much more of this.’ I was crying. ‘He must be cheating on me.’

‘Oh, God, don’t start wailing.’ Babs placed a cup of coffee in front of me. ‘You need to stay calm. Don’t jump to conclusions. None of this is proof that he’s shagging anyone, although I’ll admit it doesn’t look good.’

I tried to slow my breathing. My heart was racing. It was time I acted. I needed to get down to the rugby club and see the pregnant Harriet and any other women who worked there. ‘Lucy says I should call into James in the rugby club and see if the stalker works there.’

Babs took a large bite of a chocolate biscuit. ‘She’s right, but you can’t go looking like you normally do. You have to make an impression. You must turn up looking amazing and
totally in control. Then if it is one of them, they’ll see you’re not a wimpy woman who’s going to just let her husband go. They’ll see you as a force to be reckoned with.’

‘I was going to get something new and fabulous to wear and have my hair done so I look my best.’

‘You’ll need a lot of help. But, luckily for you, I’m here.’

‘Great. I can’t think straight at the moment.’

As we put our coats and scarves on to protect us from an icy wind, Babs said, ‘By the way, I’m not styling you for free.’

‘I’m your sister!’ I pulled on my gloves.

‘You can cook me dinner later as payment.’

‘I’ll buy you a takeaway.’

‘Deal.’

We got a taxi to Fenwick’s in Bond Street. I’d never been there before, but Babs assured me that it was the best place to go for quick, stylish results. It was a very smart department store. Babs swished through the front door and headed straight for the escalator. On the first floor she walked straight to the L. K. Bennett concession.

I looked around. ‘Isn’t it a bit expensive here?’

Babs looked me up and down. ‘Emma, you’re not exactly young any more. You need to spend more money to look good.’ She handed me a dark purple, figure-hugging wrap dress. ‘Try this on. It’s long enough to cover your saggy knees, it’s tapered here on the stomach, which will hide your belly, and it has little sleeves that will camouflage your chunky upper arms. On top of all that, the colour will look good with your ginger mop.’

‘I don’t like the colour. It’s too dark.’

Ignoring me completely, Babs pushed me into a changing room and stood outside waiting.

I tried on the dress and was pleasantly surprised at how
good I looked. The deep purple went surprisingly well with my hair and the shape did camouflage my lumpy bits. Best of all, the size twelve fitted me perfectly. I was thrilled.

As I was admiring myself in the mirror, I heard Babs’s voice outside: ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t let you buy that.’

I peeped out from behind the curtain. A woman of about fifty was standing in front of the shop mirror in a blue dress that was very tight and unflattering on her.

‘Excuse me?’ The woman turned to Babs.

Babs went over to stand beside her. ‘I’m a stylist, and as a professional I cannot allow you to spend money on that dress. It’s hideous on you. What are you buying for? A wedding?’

‘No, it’s for my son’s graduation.’

‘Well, he will not be happy to see you turning up in that. You look like Moby-Dick. Now, what you need for your shape – which is pear by the way – is this.’ Babs handed the woman a fifties style dress that went in at the waist and then kicked out.

‘Excuse me, madam, I am dealing with this customer.’ The shop assistant bustled over, carrying a pair of shoes.

Babs spun around to face her. ‘You obviously work on commission and have no conscience. How could you let this woman go home with this horrendous dress and be the laughing stock of her son’s big day?’

‘My customer looks wonderful.’ The shop assistant wasn’t giving an inch.

‘She looks like a whale.’

The woman puffed out her chest, put her hands on her hips and bellowed, ‘Excuse me, I’m not deaf. I’m standing right here and you are being very insulting.’

Babs thrust the other dress into her hand. ‘No, I am not. I’m just being honest. If you want to look good, in a dress
that flatters all your good bits and hides the bad, then you’ll put this one on. When you see your reflection, you’ll realize I’m a genius and buy it. Otherwise, buy the blue one and look hideous. It’s up to you.’

‘Madam, if you do not stop harassing my customer, I’ll have to call security.’

‘I’m right and you know it,’ Babs replied. Then, to the woman, she said, ‘Good luck with the graduation. Take my advice and don’t embarrass yourself or your son.’

I didn’t want Babs being arrested before I’d had the chance to pay for my dress. I frantically waved my arms to catch her attention. She came over to the dressing room and looked inside. I did a little twirl.

‘Told you.’

‘OK, you were right, it does suit me. Now can you please stop harassing customers and staff? Let’s pay for this and get the hell out of here before you have us in trouble.’

Babs rolled her eyes. ‘Relax, that woman is going to thank me when she sees how flattering that dress is on her. Now, back to you, we need to get some shoes for the dress. Don’t move.’

Babs swished off and came back a minute later with a pair of very high black heels. I put them on. They looked great, but were so high that my body was pitched forward. They were extremely difficult to walk in.

‘I can’t get these. Too high.’

Babs wagged a finger at me. ‘No, they’re not. They’re perfect. They make you look taller and thinner, both very important for someone who is small and round, although you do seem to have lost weight. Stop being such a granny and get the shoes. You’ll get loads of wear out of black heels.’

‘I’m not buying shoes I can’t walk in.’

‘Fine.’ She sighed. ‘I had a feeling you’d say that. Try these.’
Babs handed me a pair of shoes half the height of the previous ones. They were still high, but I was able to walk normally in them.

Next she handed me a chunky silver necklace that sat perfectly at the curve of the neckline of the dress. It immediately made the dress look edgier. ‘Perfect,’ she said, nodding her approval.

Babs had found me a great outfit. I would feel confident, attractive and good about myself turning up to the club in these clothes. I bought the lot.

As I was paying, Babs got a tap on the shoulder. It was the other customer.

‘You were right, dear. This dress is much nicer. Thank you for the advice. Might I say, however, that you need to work on your approach? It’s a little assertive.’

I turned to her, laughing. ‘I’m afraid my sister is unfamiliar with the word “subtle”.’

Babs shrugged. ‘Why waste time beating around the bush? Are you both happy? Properly styled? Buying dresses that will make you feel and look good?’

We nodded.

‘Well, then, what are you complaining about?’

When we got back to my house, the children were playing cards with Claire. They seemed to be having great fun. Whenever I played cards with the kids, Lara’s attention span was all of one minute, Yuri got into a rage if he didn’t win and the ‘game’ inevitably ended in tears. Claire certainly had a knack with children – she had them playing properly, without any tantrums.

They jumped up and, as I put my arms out to hug them, they pushed past me to Babs.

‘STOP! Hands where I can see them,’ Babs roared.

Yuri and Lara skidded to a halt and put their hands up. Babs inspected them, front and back. ‘All right, they’re clean. You can hug me now.’

The children hugged her. I saw her wince as Yuri squeezed her stomach. She must still be feeling sore. They asked if Babs had any treats for them. ‘What do you think I am? A travelling shop?’

‘Look in your big bag,’ Yuri begged her.

‘
Pleeeeeeeeease
, Babs,’ Lara added, giving her puppy-dog eyes.

Babs made a big show of rooting about in her bag before producing a Galaxy bar. ‘This is actually mine, but I’ll share it with you,’ she said, as they whooped with delight. ‘Now, go and sit down and I’ll give you three squares each. Don’t give any to your mother. She’s just bought a new dress and there’s no room for any extra inches on her waist.’

‘What did you buyed, Mummy?’ Lara asked.

‘A lovely dress.’ I pulled it out of the bag and held it up.

‘
Oooooooh
, I love purple.’ Lara was enthusiastic. That was something. Yuri was far too busy stuffing his face with chocolate to comment.

While the children were eating, Babs asked Claire if she was still seeing her boyfriend.

Claire blushed and looked at the floor. ‘Yes.’

‘Wow, you have that loved-up glow,’ Babs said. ‘Is it serious?’

Claire nodded. ‘Yes, it is. I’m hoping to move in with him soon.’

‘Really?’ It was my turn to be surprised. Claire hadn’t been going out with him long.

‘Yes,’ she said, smiling. ‘He has a really nice place, but we just need his housemate to move out before I can move in.’

‘It seems very quick.’ I was worried Claire was rushing into
this. She was very innocent. ‘Are you sure you’re ready for a big move like that?’

‘I’m positive. This guy is really special.’

‘So, what’s he like? Tall, dark and handsome?’ Babs asked.

‘Yes.’

‘I hope he treats you well and appreciates you,’ I said.

Claire fidgeted with her backpack. ‘He does. He especially loves my cooking.’

‘I’m not surprised, so do the kids. And you know James adores your lasagne,’ I enthused.

‘What does your boyfriend do?’ Babs asked, but before Claire could reply, Lara fell off her chair and started bawling.

I ran over to her, but Claire got there first. She picked up Lara and cuddled her. I know it shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I wanted to comfort my child. Lara nestled her head into Claire’s shoulder.

When Lara had calmed down and Claire had left, Babs put her feet up on the chair in front of her and shook her head. ‘I’m telling you, Emma, there’s something not right about her. I know she’s great with the kids and all that, but I just don’t trust her.’

‘We love Claire,’ Yuri defended his nanny.

‘Do you love her more than your mummy?’ Babs asked.

They paused. ‘The same.’

‘Brilliant. Thanks for that.’ I glared at Babs, feeling really hurt that my children loved their nanny as much as, and probably more than, me.

‘You should get rid of her,’ Babs said.

I asked the children to go and watch cartoons for a minute while I prepared dinner. I closed the kitchen door and turned to my sister. ‘Don’t you dare come in here and start harassing my nanny and insulting her in front of my kids. Claire is the
only reason I’m still sane. She’s brilliant with the kids – as you can see, they like her more than they do me.’

‘I wouldn’t have anyone in my house that my kids preferred to me. I’d get rid of her, if I were you. They like her way too much.’

‘I know they do and I find it hard sometimes, but I’d be lost without the help. I’m serious, Babs, back off. My life is complicated enough as it is without you stirring things up.’

I pulled the Indian takeaway menu from the drawer under the kettle. ‘Let’s order.’

As I took my phone out of my bag, it buzzed. A new message:
U r 2 old n ugly 4 James. He is way too hot 4 u.

I covered my eyes with my hands. Babs grabbed the phone from me and threw it on the counter. She pulled out a chair and sat me down. Then she poured me a glass of wine, which, despite my recent decision never to drink again, I gulped down.

Babs read the message. ‘This is all way too strange. This woman is completely delusional. No matter how much I liked a man, I’d never stalk his wife! She’s unhinged. Even her texts feel very forced and unnatural. I wonder if it’s someone who has serious mental issues. She could be dangerous, Emma.’

My hands shook as I put the glass down. ‘It looks like James has been sleeping with a younger woman.’

‘Well, he’s hardly likely to shag an older one,’ Babs pointed out.

I began to cry. ‘I am old and I am ugly and I am past my best. James looks great. Everyone’s always telling me how handsome he is and how charming and nice. Maybe he just woke up one day and looked at me and thought, What the hell am doing settling for her?’

‘Come on, drama queen, you’re not that bad. And he’s not
that good-looking. You look great for forty, and now that you’ve lost some weight, you look better than you have since you had the kids. James looks good too, but please, he’s not exactly Ed Westwick.’

I sniffed. ‘Mum said your forties is a really dangerous time and that lots of people have affairs.’

Babs popped a piece of chocolate into her mouth. ‘I’m sure they do, but it doesn’t mean James is. Look, I reckon the worst-case scenario here is that he had a one-night stand and is now paying for it. And you know what, Emma, a one-night stand is nothing. It means nothing. It was probably just a drunken ten-minute shag.’

‘It’s not nothing! It’s a very big deal, actually. It’s a break of trust and commitment, not to mind the hurt of knowing he wanted to have sex with someone else. What if he’s in love with her?’

Babs pointed to the phone. ‘I can tell you now, no man is in love with this nutter. She’s obviously deranged, and if James was stupid enough to shag her, you can be sure he regrets it
soooooo
badly. He’ll never go offside again after this experience. And if the poor guy didn’t do anything and the stalker is just a freak who became obsessed with him because she sees him in work, then I really feel sorry for him.’