Mad About the Hatter (18 page)

Alice didn’t reply but nodded and walked a few steps away, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Go on, now, before I start crying all over again.”

Leonard held up his hand in a final farewell, and faced the mirror. Exchanging an anxious look with Hatter and Henry, he seemed to hold his breath as he stepped into the mirror and disappeared.

Hatter looked at Henry. “Together?”

Henry nodded and reached for Hatter’s hand, and together they stepped into the mirror.

O
NCE
AGAIN
,
they passed through the thick, syrupy quasi-liquid that comprised the passage between worlds. It was uncomfortable but not painful, although Henry didn’t look forward to going through it again on his way back home after their mission was completed.

He pushed through, and stepped out of the mirror, smack into Hatter’s back. “Oomph. Hatter, move. Why are you standing there?”

“Shh. Don’t move, don’t talk,” Hatter whispered but didn’t turn around.

Henry felt a shiver of fear, and dropped his voice to a hiss. “What is it? Is it the Red Guards?”

Hatter’s head gave a minute shake. “If only it were the guards! It’s a pride of Bandersnatches. There are four of them blocking the exit. So far I don’t think they’ve seen us, but—”

A shriek suddenly pierced the air, so shrill that Henry’s hands flew to his ears as if to keep the knife-edged scream out of them. He’d never heard anything like it before. It sounded like a cross between Godzilla and a train whistle on steroids. Three other equally earsplitting screeches joined it, rising in a painful cacophony, made worse by an echo that repeated the excruciating sounds back.

“What are we going to do?” Henry slowly rose to his tiptoes and peered over Hatter’s shoulder. He’d never seen a Bandersnatch, and if they couldn’t figure their way past the creatures, might never have the opportunity to see one—or anything else for that matter—again.

They were all large creatures, although two of them were slightly smaller. A family perhaps, Henry thought. Dam, sire, and two offspring. Their bodies were stout but segmented like an ant’s, supported by six elephant-like legs, and ending in sinuous tails tipped with spikes. Their heads were long and narrow, mostly jaws filled with a frightening number of long, jagged teeth. He thought their necks were ridiculously short, almost nonexistent, until one of them shot out like a telescope, bringing those terrifying, snapping jaws almost within biting distance of Leonard.

One of the Bandersnatches began edging around the perimeter of the room, staying low to the ground. Another branched off the other way. They were trying to surround Henry, Hatter, and Leonard.

Hatter dug into his pocket, trying not to move too quickly or too much. He pulled out an object and tossed it at the Bandersnatches. It hit the floor and rolled, coming to stop at the foot of one of the creatures. The Bandersnatch’s head lowered, and it sniffed at the object. Then it opened its jaws and snapped it up, swallowing it. A long, black tongue snaked out and licked its chops.

“An apple? Are they poison to Bandersnatches?” Henry asked.

“No, damn it. I thought it was an exploding orb.” Hatter’s hand slipped back into his pocket.

The group of Bandersnatches howled again, their muscles bunching. They moved closer, their heads shooting out on their telescoping necks, jaws snapping. Their heavy legs, each foot tipped with long, sharp claws, ripped up the marble floor and trampled what bits and pieces of furniture they encountered into matchsticks. The Bandersnatches’ tails cracked like bullwhips, carving deep fissures into the walls.

“Hatter, they’re going to attack!” In his terror, Henry forgot to whisper. Not that it mattered—the Bandersnatch roars nearly drowned him out anyway.

“Wait!” Leonard slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. “I’d nearly forgotten. How stupid of me!”

“What is it, sire? Now would be a good time to share with the rest of the class.” Hatter pulled a banana out of his pocket. “Damn it.” He threw it at the nearest Bandersnatch, which, true to its name, snatched it up.

“How does one defeat the Bandersnatch? Think, Hatter. It’s right there, in one of the greatest songs in our history. Remember? ‘Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!’ Shun is the answer.”

Hatter barked a laugh. “Of course! It’s quite obvious now, isn’t it? You’re a genius, Your Majesty.”

Leonard’s chest puffed out a bit. “Oh, well, I just paid attention in history class, that’s all.”

Henry looked between them, utterly confused. Had they forgotten they were being surrounded by the very frumious Bandersnatches in their stupid poem? Before he could say anything, both Leonard and Hatter turned their backs on the Bandersnatches.

“Turn around, Henry. Quickly!” Leonard waved his hands at Henry, urging him to turn around. “Give them your back, and close your eyes.”

“Shun them, Henry. Ignore them. They can’t stand it. They live on fear and attention. Show them none, and they’ll leave,” Hatter explained.

Well
, Henry reasoned,
if it doesn’t work, at least I won’t see the Bandersnatches biting my head off
. He turned around, faced the wall, and squeezed his eyes shut.

The sounds around them intensified, the roars rising to a level that made Henry’s ears ring. There were crashing sounds as well, as if the Bandersnatches were determined to bring the ruins of the White Castle down around their ears.

Then suddenly, blessedly, it all stopped and silence descended….

Henry felt a tap on his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his jeans. He cracked open his eyes to see Leonard and Hatter smiling at him.

“They’re gone! We’ve won our first battle, but I think we should leave quickly before they decide to come back and give it another go,” Leonard said. He led the way toward the door.

Hatter followed, with Henry trailing behind on shaky legs. Wherever the Bandersnatch family had disappeared to, it wasn’t inside the castle ruins, at least not in sight of the areas the trio hurried through, unless they’d found a hidey-hole somewhere. Henry didn’t see hide or scale of them on the way out of the White Castle, not that he was complaining. He’d be glad if he never saw one again. Out of all the crazy, frightening things he’d seen in Wonderland, he ranked the Bandersnatches as number one on the list. Still, he had to admit they were the easiest to defeat, once Leonard remembered how to do it. Like many bullies, Bandersnatches lost interest when no one paid attention to them. He did have the feeling, however, that the bite of the Bandersnatch would’ve been even worse than its deafening bark.

Once outside the castle, Leonard led them across a wide, rolling, flowery field beside which a lazy river wound. It caught Henry’s eye, the way the water glimmered like silk, snaking from a gently splashing waterfall in the hills immediately north of the White Castle, and flowing south, thinning until it became no more than a silvery thread in the far distance.

The cool-looking, tranquil water seemed extremely inviting to Henry from the moment he saw it, as if it were beckoning him. Never had a river seemed so inviting. Out of nowhere came the thought:
I should go for a swim. Best idea I’ve had all day.
He suddenly felt completely grungy and stinky. He couldn’t stand the feel of his clothing against his skin, or the stench he seemed to be emitting like a fog. He turned and began hurrying toward the river.
A quick dip, then back on track, right? Sounds great to me.

“Henry! Henry, no!” Hatter yelled at him, running in his direction.

Damn Hatter. A party pooper of cosmic proportions. “I need a bath, Hatter. It’ll only take a minute.” He hurried toward the water, pulling off his shirt and kicking off his shoes as he went.

“Henry, stop!” Leonard’s voice reached him just a moment before Hatter’s hand grabbed his arm. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

He tried to shake Hatter off. He had to get to the water. Had to. If he didn’t, he’d die. He knew it. Felt it in his bones. He turned on Hatter, baring his teeth. “Let me go!”

“No! Henry, it’s one of the River Witches. She’s put a hex on you. If you go into the water, she’ll pull you under and drown you before eating you. We’ll be lucky to find a few of your bones washing ashore downstream when she’s done.” Hatter wrapped his arms around Henry, pulling him in close, holding him tight, refusing to let go no matter how hard Henry struggled.

“You’re lying! You want me to die! Let me go. I have to get to the water!”

Leonard reached them, and wrapped his arms around Hatter and Henry both. They began slowly sidestepping away from the river toward the flowery fields. Henry fought them every step of the way, completely convinced that if he didn’t dive into the river’s silky waters, he would perish.

Slowly, as they put distance between Henry and the river, his compulsion to go swimming began to lessen, and finally disappeared altogether, leaving him wondering why he thought it was such a good idea to begin with. He sniffed his armpits. He didn’t reek. Well, no more than usual, anyway. And it wasn’t even very hot outside—there was a cool breeze blowing.

“I’m sorry, Henry.” Leonard patted Henry on the shoulder. “I thought we were far enough from the river to be safe.”

Henry smiled. “It’s okay. What happened? What was that? I really felt like I was going to die if I didn’t go into the river.”

“It was one of the River Witches.” Hatter took off his hat and fanned himself with it. It evidently had been a narrow escape. “There are several different types, none of them good. Not every river has one, but the White River has been home to a school of them for centuries. They cast out spells from the river like fishing nets, and once they snare someone, they convince him or her that it’s death to remain dry. Unless restrained and removed from the spell’s reach, the person will usually rush right into the water, where the witch will catch them, pull them under, drown them, and then eat them at her leisure.”

“I guess I owe you my thanks. You saved my life, the both of you.” Henry looked from Leonard to Hatter. “I keep forgetting how different things are here, and how much I don’t know about anything in Wonderland.”

Hatter grinned. “Just like I didn’t know anything about your world. If you remember, I thought your cars were monsters with see-through bellies, who’d eaten people.”

Henry had to admit, Hatter’s admission made him feel a little better about being caught up in the River Witch’s spell. He returned Hatter’s smile.

“Did you think that too, Hatter? So did I, at first. Nearly gave Alice a black eye the first time she tried to get me to go for a ride in her car. I thought she was trying to feed me to it.” Leonard’s laugh cleared the air of the last of the tension caused by their narrow escape. “Well, then. I think it best if we move on. I don’t relish anything catching us out in the open once night falls, and I think we can find shelter not far from here. If memory serves, Tweedledee and Tweedledum keep a summer home just beyond those hills.” He smiled, and elbowed Henry good-naturedly. “We’ll be going to bed with the chickens, mark my words.”

T
HE
HILLS
in question were gently rolling ones, none attached to steeper points like the foothills of the Confection Mountains. The grass underfoot was thick, luxurious, and for Wonderland, surprisingly free of any type of hazard. It was an easy hike, and the trio cleared them just as the sun began painting purple and red streaks across the blue sky.

Leonard proved correct when, after clearing the last hill, they spotted a pair of cottages in the distance. As they neared them, they were revealed to be identical in every way—from the red and yellow color scheme and curlicue gingerbread trim, to the boxes of petunias and daisies underneath each window. Each had a small, carefully tended yard edged with a waist-high, white picket fence, and a pathway laid with colored slate leading to the front stoop.

Henry started down the closest path, but Hatter quickly pulled him to a stop.

“Wait!” Hatter kept his hand on Henry’s arm, and glanced at Leonard. “That would have been a terrible faux pas.”

“What’s a foe pah?” Henry asked, frowning.

“A faux pas is a mistake, a social blunder, and you nearly made a doozy.” Hatter walked Henry back up the path to where Leonard waited. “Tweedledee and Tweedledum are the official Etiquette Ambassadors of Wonderland, so titled by the Red Queen before she went completely mad. They expect a certain degree of pomp and circumstance when folks come calling. Plus, they get highly insulted when one is favored above the other.”

“That’s correct,” Leonard put in. “Ringing one’s doorbell before the other’s is a terrible error. They’d never allow us to stay if that happened.”

“Allow us to stay?” Hatter laughed. “They’d have us charged with Breach of Etiquette. There’s no worse crime as far as the twins are concerned. The punishment is tar and feathering. They use Jubjub feathers, and make the guilty pluck them straight from the bird. Believe you me, there’s usually not enough left of the criminal to tar once the Jubjubs are through with them.”

Henry looked confused. “So, what do we do, then?”

Hatter explained the protocol. “Easy. Two of us must each walk down one of the paths at the same time, and ring the bells at the same moment. Not a heartbeat sooner or later than the other, mind you! Then, when Tweedledum and Tweedledee answer the door, we introduce ourselves, and make polite conversation for a few moments.”

Leonard placed a hand on Henry’s shoulder, and picked up where Hatter left off. “Yes. Try to pick a subject of conversation interesting to whichever twin with whom you’re speaking. Remember, the twins are identical, except when they’re different.”

“Yes. Dum likes to speak about the weather, in particular nice weather, clear skies, and sunny days,” Hatter said. “Dee favors the weather as well, but prefers talk of rain and stormy nights, black skies split by lightning.”