Mad About the Hatter (25 page)

“I know! Those sudden showers are particularly troublesome. They sneak up on you, and then before you know it, you’re soaked to the skin, coughing, feverish, and dying of some despicable rain-borne illness. With this in hand, you don’t need to worry about any of that. You’re welcome.”

“Ha! If I lose my head, I won’t need to worry about it, either.” He made a practice jab with the closed umbrella, and wondered if it was possible to poke someone to death.

Hatter either didn’t hear Henry, or more likely chose to ignore the sarcastic comment. Instead, he rooted around in his pocket again, before withdrawing a very long, very slender drinking straw. He held it up and smiled.

“A straw? Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about my umbrella,” Henry said. “What good is that going to do you unless you’re attacked by a giant carbonated beverage?”

Hatter shot him a dark look. “Soda Pop attacks are nothing to laugh about, Henry. First of all, they rarely attack alone. Soda Pops always bring their Soda Moms, along with their Soda Sons, Daughters, Nephews, Nieces, Aunts, Uncles, and Next-Door Neighbors. A Mass Soda Attack is a serious thing.” He brandished his straw. “This is no ordinary drinking straw. It’s a Soul Sucker. With this, I can suck the soul out of anything. Not for long, mind you. Souls are notoriously territorial, and will flee back to their original vessels after only a short time, but in the meanwhile, their owners are left frozen, giving the user time to destroy the vessel or escape the vicinity.”

Henry arched an eyebrow and examined the straw. It didn’t look any different from any you’d find in a gas station that sold oversized cold drinks, yet he didn’t doubt it would do just as Hatter claimed. He’d seen too many strange and bizarre things in Wonderland to question it.

They continued following Leonard down the long, red-carpeted hallway. Henry gazed round-eyed at the portraits of Kings and Queens hanging on both sides, and noticed the crowns in each painting, which grew larger and larger as they progressed toward the throne room. He whispered to Hatter, feeling uncomfortable with raising his voice this close to the room where they suspected the Red Queen waited. “Why do they each need bigger and bigger crowns?”

“Bigger heads. Seems with every generation, their noggins swell a bit more. It’s the ever-thickening vanity in their blood. Conceit is a bloated, nasty thing, and takes up quite a bit of room inside the skull. Each new Red Prince or Princess seems to have more of it than their parents did. I should know. Once upon a time, I was the Royal Hatter.” Pride shone in Hatter’s eyes. “The Queen’s father would wear no hat that didn’t come from my shop.”

“It’s true,” Leonard said. “My wife’s grandfather wore a size 8, and her father, a size 8 1/2. Her own head couldn’t fit a hat smaller than a 9, although she’ll swear she’s only a 6 1/2. The new Royal Hatter—he wasn’t nearly as talented as you, Hatter—made the mistake of putting her actual size on the inside label of one of her winter hats. I suppose you can guess what she had done to him.” He made a rude noise and sliced a finger across his throat. “Her vanity is outdone only by her viciousness.”

“I wonder if her head has swelled any more since last I saw her. I always thought if it got any bigger, it would pop like a balloon and save us all a lot of trouble,” Hatter said as they reached the end of the hallway. A pair of immense, intricately carved double doors stood between them and the throne room. “I don’t suppose she’d be so accommodating as to self-explode, would she?”

“Not likely,” Leonard replied. “One can always hope, of course.” He gestured toward two of the Red Guards. “Open the doors to the throne room, please.”

Neither looked very anxious to obey, and both made sure to stay safely hidden behind the doors as they slowly pulled them open.

“What is this? Who’s there?” The Queen’s voice, high-pitched and as sharp as broken glass, echoed in the throne room. “Rabbit! Find out who dares enter my throne room without a formal announcement. It’s rude. Off with their heads!”

“Erm, should their heads be removed before or after I find out who it is, Your Majesty?” Rabbit’s voice was much more timid than the Queen’s, although still audible. The acoustics in the throne room were excellent for that purpose.

A different voice answered for the Red Queen. “I should think asking
after
their heads roll would result in a less than satisfactory answer.”

Hatter recognized the Cheshire Cat’s voice, and frowned. He’d hoped the damned Cat would be gone by now. Cat tended to make everything more complicated and confuzzling than it needed to be.

Leonard pushed past the doors and boldly stalked up the aisle toward the dais on which the royal thrones sat. Well,
one
throne sat there, anyway. He noticed his own throne tossed to one side of the room, lying on its side, covered in cobwebs and a fat layer of dust. “No need, Rabbit. No heads will roll today. It is I, the Red King, come back to claim my throne!”

Rabbit gasped and wheezed, and clutched his heart, then seemed to decide against dying from a heart attack and took a knee instead, bowing his head. “Your Majesty!”

Hatter, Henry, and the Red Guards had followed Leonard into the throne room. Everything looked just as Hatter recalled it from his last visit. The Red Queen was sitting on her throne, having a full-fledged tantrum. Her enormous royal crown hung over her head, suspended from the ceiling by a wire. Nearby, the Cheshire Cat floated in the air, grinning his mischievous smile.

Hatter had to admit Leonard struck quite an imposing figure, and he couldn’t help but admire him. Leonard stood tall, his expression regal and proud, his eyes glowing like blue flame. Even Hatter was tempted to take a knee, although he talked himself out of it soon enough.

The Cheshire Cat fell silent, a condition Hatter had never before seen Cat in. Hatter decided he rather liked it, and hoped it would continue for the foreseeable future.

There was no such luck with the Red Queen, though. Staring at Leonard, for a moment her tongue seemed to refuse to function properly. Her eyes grew very big and very round, bulging out of her head in a most unattractive manner, and her mouth grew very small and puckered, as if she’d just sucked on a lemon. The shock of seeing her husband standing in her throne room, alive and breathing, seemed to pass quickly, though, because she drew in a great lungful of air, and let out a howling screech that shattered two of the Red Guards’ eardrums and six panes of window glass. “You! What are
you
doing here? I sent my Guard to the ruins of the White Castle to make sure you never returned from the mirror. You’re supposed to be good and gone!”

Leonard gestured toward himself. “As you can see, I am not even a little bit gone. I am fully here.”

The Queen gnashed her teeth and gripped the arms of her throne so tightly, her nails bit into the wood. “Well, then I sentence you to the Axe. Off with your head! I command it!”

Leonard leaned forward a bit. He didn’t scream, didn’t yell, didn’t even raise his voice at all, but the word echoed through the room anyway, bringing a collective gasp from everyone, perhaps simply because no one had ever heard the word said in the Queen’s presence before.

“No.”

The Queen set loose a scream unlike any heard before in all of Wonderland. It ripped through the throne room, cracking the remaining windowpanes, every wineglass in the room, and Rabbit’s pair of spectacles. It bounced off the walls like a living thing, overturning chairs, knocking the stuffing out of all the royal cushions, and causing the gigantic crown hanging above the Queen’s head to sway. “
What did you say
?”

Leonard seemed completely unmoved and unafraid in the face of her fury. Perhaps, since he was married to the Queen for so many years, the effect of her terrible temper had worn off on him. He shrugged, as if unconcerned. “I said, ‘no.’”

“Axe! Come in here now! Off with his head!” The Queen bounced furiously on her throne, banging her fists and kicking her feet. “Off with his head!”

The side door, which led out to the courtyard, creaked open and the Axe entered the throne room at the Queen’s call. The Axe was just that—a huge, double-bladed Axe, animated by powerful magic, and spelled to do the Queen’s bidding. Its razor-sharp edge gleamed bright as it swung through the air in massive arcs.

Every head turned to stare at the Axe, hands immediately flying to their throats as if they could protect their necks from the Axe’s blade.

Every head, that is, except Leonard’s. He hurried up the few steps to the dais, and stood next to the throne. He ignored the Axe, and smiled smugly at his wife, as if he knew something she did not. As it turned out, he did. “You ruled all those years because I was too weak or too indifferent to do my duty. That is my sin, and I shall live with it forever. No more will I shirk my responsibility. You may be royal by blood, while I am merely royal by marriage, but you, my dear, are a
terrible
monarch and a
dreadful
human being. I hereby declare a coup, relieving you of your crown.”

The Red Queen screamed again and stood up on her throne, glowering at Leonard. She clenched her hands in tight fists, and her face flushed as red as her hair. Veins stood out on her forehead like fat, angry worms. “You dare speak to me this way? Off with your head! Off, I say! Here he is, Axe. Hurry!”

The Axe, enchanted to obey her as always, swung.

Leonard, however, did something unexpected. He refused to stand still and have his head lopped off properly. When the Axe sliced through the air aiming for Leonard’s neck, he ducked.

Instead of cutting through Leonard’s flesh, the Axe passed over his head and cut through the wire holding the enormous crown up over the Queen’s head.

The heavy, solid gold crown fell straight down with a dull, ringing
thung
, completely covering the Queen from head to foot. It toppled off the throne with the same
thunging
sound, and rolled a few feet across the floor before coming to a stop. All anyone could see of the Queen were the tips of her red shoes.

The Axe fell to the floor, clattering loudly, before falling still. It lay there looking very disenchanted, like an ordinary, everyday, giant-sized axe. Hatter tentatively toed it with the tip of his shoe.

Silence fell on the throne room.

“Well,” Hatter said, “that was unexpected.”

Henry’s hand slipped into his. “Is she… is she dead?” His face was pale, but his grip was warm and firm.

Hatter gave his hand a squeeze. “Look at the Axe. Its magic is gone. It was enchanted to obey the Red Queen only, so I’d say the odds are she’s gone toes up. I can’t say I’m sorry, and I don’t think anyone else is, either. She didn’t exactly endear herself to anyone, what with lopping off people’s heads left and right.”

Leonard brushed off the velvet cushion of the throne, and sat down. “I hereby reclaim my throne and right to rule over Wonderland. Does anyone challenge my right to do so?”

No one stepped forward. Hatter didn’t think anyone would. It was a lot of work, running a kingdom the size of Wonderland. At least, it was when it was done right, and the monarch didn’t spend all her time ordering heads to roll. There were lots of details to tend to—squabbles to referee, property disputes to settle, magic to dispense or dispel as needed. Certainly, there was too much work and not enough benefits as far as Hatter was concerned. With great power came great responsibility and even greater headaches. Leonard was welcome to it. Everyone else, Henry, the Red Guards, Rabbit, and the Cheshire Cat, all seemed to agree, since no one volunteered.

Leonard smiled. He tossed a pointed glance at the giant crown and the tips of his former wife’s shoes. “Well, then. That’s settled. I suppose I’ll need to commission a new crown. Nothing heavy, and metal, even gold, is too damn uncomfortable to wear. I’m thinking of something in a nice derby, perhaps. Think you can manage to create one for me, Hatter?”

“Of course, Your Majesty. It would be my pleasure.” Hatter grinned.

The Cheshire Cat floated nearer to the throne, still grinning. “It’s very good to have you back, Your Majesty.”

Leonard returned Cat’s smile. “Thank you, Cat. You did well. Remind me to reward you later. I happen to know where there is a rather substantial quantity of catnip of an excellent year stored.”

“Wait… what?” Hatter shook his head, then stuck his fingers in his ears, wiggling them as if to clean them out. “You knew about Leonard being in Alice’s World?”

Cat yawned, and began grooming himself. “Of course I did. Someone had to be left behind to make sure the Queen didn’t completely destroy Wonderland.”

Hatter turned to Leonard in disbelief. “You told Cat you were leaving, but not me? The Queen nearly had me killed!”

“Nonsense. I had everything under control at all times,” Cat said. “I got her to send you after Henry, didn’t I?”

Hatter sputtered, not quite able to decide whether he wanted to strangle Cat or thank him. He decided, in the interest of fairness, to do neither.

Leonard nodded and turned to Henry. “Henry, my boy, I want to thank you for returning here to support me. I suppose it’s obvious I’ll not be returning to your world, but what about you?”

Henry bit his lip and glanced at Hatter. “I’m not sure. Do I have to decide right now?”

“Of course not.” Leonard winked at him. “You’re welcome to stay in Wonderland for as long as you wish. I’m sure Hatter wouldn’t mind putting you up. The Royal Hatter’s Suite is quite spacious.”

That was enough to take Hatter’s mind off Cat as he realized he had far sweeter things to consider. Things like Henry, and their kiss, and whether there would be any more kisses like it in their future. He grinned and squeezed Henry’s hand again. “I’d be most happy for Henry to stay with me. For as long as he wants to remain here.”

He felt warmth flush him from his hairline to his toes when Henry smiled and squeezed his hand back. “I think I’d like that, Uncle Leonard… er, Your Majesty.”

Hatter couldn’t contain himself anymore. Joy bubbled up from the vicinity of his heart and overflowed. Reaching out, he pulled Henry into a fiery kiss that sent sparks sizzling through the air around them. One lit on Cat’s tail, causing Cat to hiss at them, and everyone else to chuckle.