Lunatics (28 page)

CHAPTER 57

Jeffrey

I swear to God,
I never had any intention of urinating on Sarah Palin. All I wanted to do was get the hell off the stage and find a bathroom.

But here's the thing. The stage was the size of fucking Connecticut. Also it was loud as hell in the hall, and there were all these bright lights blasting in my eyes, and I was definitely still messed up from the gin and the pills, so I had trouble figuring out which way to go. And then all these Republican suits showed up, swarming around me and Horkman, some of them wanting to shake hands, some of them wanting to talk, a couple wanting to admire our Air China blankets like they were fucking Picasso paintings. And I
could not get out of
there
.

Did you ever have to piss really really bad? I mean really really REALLY bad? Well that's the situation I was in. I couldn't even
walk
, at that point. I had to do something
right away
. So I thought, Okay, I'll go behind the podium there, which will at least give me a little privacy. So I shoved past the suits, stepped behind the podium, and whipped it out.

The problem was, I got myself turned around somehow, so when I went to what I thought was
behind
the podium, I was actually going in
front
of it, to the audience side, but because of the lights in my eyes, I didn't realize this. So I basically whipped it out in front of the entire Republican convention and a worldwide TV audience.

That was bad enough. What was worse was that, by pure coincidence, at that exact moment, Sarah Palin came around the
other
side of the podium. But she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the crowd and waving.

So there I am, just starting the longest piss of my life, the kind you can't stop even if you wanted to. I have my eyes closed, and all I'm thinking is
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
. I heard some shouting, but like I said it was loud and crazy in there anyway, so I didn't pay much attention. And then I heard a scream, right in front of me, really close. So I opened my eyes, and there she was, looking down at her pantsuit, which looked like she'd been wading in the Pee River. I real quick spun away, but unfortunately I spun
toward
the audience, so now I was hosing a whole bunch of delegates, who were not at all happy, but like I said once you get started on a whiz of that magnitude, you are basically committed to seeing it through.

At that point, things happened pretty fast. I got grabbed by some guys who I think were Secret Service, and they hustled me off the stage with my arms behind my back, which meant the dignitaries were scrambling to get out of the way because I was still basically a human geyser. I felt pretty bad about the whole thing, and I wanted to apologize to Sarah Palin, but the Secret Service assholes wouldn't listen to me.

I'll say this: You see her up close, she's still a very attractive woman.

CHAPTER 58

The New York Times, Page 1

SURPRISE GOP NOMINEE EMERGES FROM CHAOS

By ADAM NAGOURNEY

ST. PETERSBURG, FLA
.—In one of the strangest developments in the annals of American politics, the Republican Party early Thursday morning chose, as its presidential nominee, the international activist Philip Horkman, who faces federal charges of terrorism and ship hijacking, and who told the GOP convention delegates, in his brief acceptance speech, that he is a registered Democrat.

The nomination culminated a strange and chaotic night that began with the convention deadlocked over the nominee, with no apparent breakthrough in sight. At about 9:20 p.m., as the delegates were preparing for yet another ballot, the convention hall was electrified by the appearance in Donald Trump's private box of Mr. Horkman and his colleague Jeffrey Peckerman, who with Mr. Horkman has engaged in a series of daring international exploits, boldly spearheading pro-democracy movements in Cuba, Somalia, the Middle East and China. The two men, both clad in the Air China blankets that have become an international symbol of their efforts, were called to the stage, where they received a rapturous ovation lasting more than 45 minutes.

It was then that the night took an even stranger turn, as Mr. Peckerman delivered a bizarre, profanity-laden speech, much of which seemed to involve toilets (Mr. Peckerman is a forensic plumber). The purpose of the speech, to the extent that it seemed to have one, apparently was to place Mr. Trump's name in nomination, although Mr. Trump later denied having any knowledge of such an effort. The speech was poorly received, both by Mr. Horkman, who stood nearby shaking his head throughout, and by the delegates, many of whom appeared shocked by Mr. Peckerman's coarse language.

The mood on the convention floor turned openly hostile following the speech. As Republican dignitaries filled the stage, Mr. Peckerman went to the front of the lectern and urinated on Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and GOP vice presidential candidate, who was waving to the crowd. Mr. Peckerman was rushed from the stage by security officers, but not before he also urinated on a large segment of the Florida delegation.

At that point, with the convention on the verge of anarchy, Mr. Horkman stepped to the lectern, quieted the crowd and offered an emotional apology for the behavior of Mr. Peckerman, whom Mr. Horkman described as “an idiot, although to be honest, that is insulting to idiots.” Mr. Horkman then delivered an impromptu speech, touching on the need for civility in political discourse, the value of bipartisanship and the paramount importance of spaying and neutering household pets. His remarks appeared to have a powerful calming effect on the delegates, who responded with enthusiastic applause, and then a sustained chant of “We want Horkman!”

As the chant echoed through the hall, growing in intensity with each passing minute, party leaders hastily met with members of the rules committee. Then, in a development that stunned political observers, Mr. Horkman's name was placed in nomination. The nomination was quickly seconded and, in what was surely one of the quickest and loudest roll-call votes ever taken in a national political convention, unanimously approved by the wildly cheering delegates, officially at 3:23 a.m. The rapid sequence of events appeared to stun Mr. Horkman, who appeared bewildered as he was led to the lectern to deliver a brief acceptance speech, which began with the statement, “I think there's been a mistake.” However, this produced only louder cheers as the delegates continued to express their

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CHAPTER 59

The NBC Nightly News

BRIAN WILLIAMS:
The strangest election season in the nation's history got even stranger tonight. As Democrats gather in Charlotte, North Carolina, for their national convention, it has become virtually certain that, thanks to an overwhelming and unprecedented last-minute shift in delegate loyalties, the Democrats will nominate, as their presidential candidate, none other than Jeffrey Peckerman. This comes at a time when the political world is still reeling from last week's Republican convention, where the delegates chose as their standard-bearer the
other
member of the
Fantasmas de la Noche
, Philip Horkman, apparently without realizing that he is a registered Democrat. On that night, Republican delegates were responding to Horkman's criticism of Peckerman, who delivered a profanity-filled speech before relieving himself, on the convention stage, on former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. But it is those same controversial actions by Peckerman that have made him a hero to some Democrats, who feel it's time their party was led by a fighter who would stand up to the Republicans. For more on this, we turn to NBC News political correspondent Robert Stavis. Robert?

STAVIS:
Brian, that's exactly right. While most Democrats agree that the Palin incident was over the top, they feel that Peckerman was making an important symbolic point, which is that for too long their party has allowed itself to be urinated on, metaphorically speaking, by the Republicans, without having the will, as a party, to urinate back. They're mad as hell, Brian, and they're thrilled to find somebody who seems to be as mad as they are.

WILLIAMS:
But what about Peckerman's speech? The language he used, and all those references to the toilets?

STAVIS:
It was crude, Brian, no doubt about it, but many Democrats feel Peckerman was deliberately using shocking language to draw attention to valid issues. For example, when he asked whether Americans would rather have—and this is a direct quote—“Iraq, or strong toilets,” he was graphically, yet eloquently, illustrating the fact that our involvement in foreign wars has weakened our ability to maintain our crumbling infrastructure.

WILLIAMS:
What about Peckerman's party affiliation?

STAVIS:
As far as we've been able to determine, Brian, he has never registered to vote, or engaged in any political activity whatsoever, although he was once charged with assault for allegedly punching a sixty-seven-year-old woman who was running for the school board and tried to put a campaign sign on his swale. Those charges were dropped when the woman refused to testify, some say because of BB gun injuries to her dog.

WILLIAMS:
Fascinating. Speaking of charges being dropped, in light of their humanitarian work in Cuba, Somalia, the Middle East, and China, both Peckerman and Horkman have received full presidential pardons for any crimes involved in the acts of terrorism and hijacking that they allegedly committed. Peckerman also will not face any charges in connection with the incident involving Governor Palin, who has said she does not want to prolong the matter any further, although she has reportedly told friends in private that if she ever gets Peckerman alone, she will castrate him with a hockey stick. And so, with the legal obstacles out of the way, and the Democratic nomination all but locked up, it appears that the American voters will face one of the most unusual choices in the nation's history: Philip Horkman, or Jeffrey Peckerman. In three months, one of these men will be elected to the most powerful position on the planet. The question now is, which one will the voters choose?

 

Three Months Later

CHAPTER 60

The New York Times,
Page 1

BEGLEY JR., PENN WIN WHITE HOUSE IN HISTORIC UPSET

By ADAM NAGOURNEY

In a stunning rebuke to the two major political parties, on Tuesday, long-shot outsiders Ed Begley Jr. and Sean Penn were elected president and vice president of the United States, the first third-party candidates ever to win these offices.

Only weeks ago, Begley Jr. and Penn, representing the Persons of Race, Ethnicity and Gender Party, were considered extreme long shots, but they managed to eke out a majority of the electoral vote, thanks largely to a historically low voter turnout resulting from what can only be described as disastrous campaigns run by both the Republican and Democratic parties, both of which had nominated men who were popular celebrities, but also untested political neophytes.

The Republican candidate, Philip Horkman, is a registered Democrat who refused to campaign at all, stating that he was “very uncomfortable” with much of the GOP platform. He also stated repeatedly that he did not intend to vote for himself.

The Democratic candidate, Jeffrey Peckerman, did campaign enthusiastically in the early days after the convention, but his erratic behavior and profane oratory—repeatedly using such terms as “commies” and “fags,” often in reference to people sharing the platform with him—quickly disillusioned the Democratic base. Party leaders tried to muzzle Mr. Peckerman by denying him staff and travel expenses, but he continued to make public appearances, often with the help of non-political sponsors, including Hooters and the video-production company Girls Gone Wild.

Movements arose in both the Republican and Democratic parties to replace Horkman and Peckerman, but these efforts were hindered by legal technicalities, as well as the feeling on each side that, no matter how bad its candidate was, the other side's candidate was worse. In the end, an unprecedented number of voters decided to simply stay home on election day, resulting in a nationwide turnout of 9 percent of the electorate—the lowest ever recorded in any Western democracy—and a narrow victory for Mr. Begley and Mr. Penn.

In declaring victory, Mr. Begley Jr. called for Americans to join him in “taking America in a new direction, with smaller cars and a lot less dietary gluten.” He also announced that he would appoint Barbra Streisand to

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