Lunatics (27 page)

CHAPTER 54

Jeffrey

Here's a tip:
If you're going to do any kind of public speaking: Go to the bathroom first.

I should have thought of this on the way up to the podium of the Republican convention, but things were happening really fast. Think about it. One minute I'm in a refrigerator crate, stoned on whatever those pills were, and the next minute I'm meeting Donald Fucking Trump, in person, and three minutes later I'm calling him Donny Boy, and we're really hitting it off. I could picture us becoming friends, hanging out socially as two guys who like each other a lot but don't want to have gay sex with each other.

Then Donny Boy's bartender made me three gin and tonics the size of Slurpees. The truth is, I never had a gin and tonic in my life, but it just sounds classy, “gin and tonic,” so it seemed like the thing to drink with Donald Trump. They were pretty strong, and between that and the pills, I was feeling a little out of it.

Then all of a sudden Donny Boy is asking me do I want a million dollars, and I'm, like, fuck yes I want a million dollars. Before I know it, Horkman and I are heading out to the podium to nominate Donald Fucking Trump for president of the United Fucking States. In a situation like that, you don't think, “Maybe I should duck into the bathroom and drain the lizard first.” But my point is, you should.

My plan, when we were walking out there, was for me to do all of the talking, and Horkman to not do any of the talking. Partly, of course, this was because he's an asshole. But also I happen to have, as a forensic plumber, a fair amount of experience with public speaking. In addition to testifying in court and hosting my cable show,
Forensic Plumbing!
, I am also—I believe I mentioned this earlier—on the board of directors of our national association, the National Association of Forensic Plumbers National Association. (What happened was, there used to be two rival associations, the National Association of Forensic Plumbers, and the Forensic Plumbers National Association, and they decided they should join together, but neither side wanted to give up their name.)

As a member of the NAFPNA board, I've been called upon to speak out on some important plumbing issues, including one time going to Washington, D.C., where I was scheduled to testify before a congressional subcommittee in favor of H.R. 623, a bill that would have repealed the dumbass tree-hugger federal law that made everybody switch to these dumbass low-flow toilets that don't work. I had a great statement prepared that would have torn the fucking lid off this issue, but I never got to give it because the congressmen stopped the hearing to go vote on Iraq. Bottom line, they never did pass H.R. 623, and we still have those dumbass toilets, and what the hell was the point of Iraq? Assholes.

The point is, I was going to do the talking to the Republican convention. So I made sure I was a little ahead of Horkman when we walked through the curtain.

And then, whoa.

When you think about Republican convention delegates, you don't think of hard-core partiers. Democrat delegates, yes. You wouldn't be surprised to see them smoking crack on the convention floor. But Republican delegates, you figure their idea of a really crazy wild time is putting on a Hawaiian shirt and going to see Jimmy Buffett.

But when Horkman and I walked out, those people went infuckingsane. Shouting, clapping, stomping, screaming, dancing, poking each other in the eye with their little American flags. It went on, I swear, for fifteen minutes, Horkman and me in our blankets waving at them, and them jumping around like maniacs. When it finally seemed to be dying down a little, I stepped to the microphone, and they went completely batshit again. And then the whole thing happened again. So at that point we'd been up there for nearly an hour, and we still hadn't said dick, and my head was feeling weird from the pills and the gin and tonics, and I had Lake Michigan sloshing around my bladder.

So I decided, fuck these assholes, I'm starting.

CHAPTER 55

NBC News Republican Convention Coverage

BRIAN WILLIAMS:
It looks as though Jeffrey Peckerman is going to try to start speaking here, although the crowd is still cheering as wildly as ever. Tom, you've covered a lot more conventions than I have. Have you ever seen a response like this?

TOM BROKAW:
Nothing even close, Brian. This is adulation. This is worship. And yet none of these delegates—for that matter, none of us in the media, either—has any idea where Horkman and Peckerman stand politically. We really don't know what message they plan to deliver here tonight.

WILLIAMS:
True. We don't even know how they got here. Last we knew, they were sparking a revolution in China, and suddenly, out of all the places in the world, they appear in Donald Trump's box at the Republican convention. We have no idea why they've chosen to be here. What we
do
know is that this is an unprecedented moment in American political history, a drama unfolding live before the nation.

BROKAW:
You know, the television audience for political conventions has been declining for years now. But I'm willing to bet that, as word has spread of the appearance here tonight of the
Fantasmas de la Noche
, the vast majority of the TV sets in the nation, as well as millions more throughout the world, are tuned to this.

WILLIAMS:
No doubt, Tom. All right, Jeffrey Peckerman is waving his arms to quiet the crowd, and it looks as though he might actually be able to say something, so let's listen as we finally hear—as the
world
finally hears—from these two amazing men, who have brought so much healing to a wounded planet.

PECKERMAN:
Thank you. Thank you. My name is Jeffrey Peckerman.

(Wild applause, cheering)

PECKERMAN:
Thank you.

(Continued wild applause and cheering)

PECKERMAN:
Thanks. Okay. Thank you. Really.

(Continued wild applause and cheering)

PECKERMAN:
Seriously, will you people shut the fuck up?

(Gasps)

BROKAW:
Did he just . . .

WILLIAMS:
Folks, we remind you this is live television.

BROKAW:
Well, he definitely got them to quiet down.

PECKERMAN:
Okay, thank you. I'm here tonight to say a few words on . . . Excuse me, asshole, I'm talking here.

HORKMAN:
Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to apologize for the lang . . . Hey! Do
not
push me!

PECKERMAN:
As I was saying, I'm Jeffrey Peckerman, and I'm here tonight to say a few words on behalf of a close personal friend of mine, Donald Trump. Or, as I call him, Donny Boy.

(Laughter)

PECKERMAN:
Thank you. You know, that laughter reminds me of a funny story that I'd like to break the ice with here. It seems somebody stole the commode from the police station, and now the police have nothing to go on!

(Silence)

PECKERMAN:
A commode is a toilet.

(Silence)

PECKERMAN:
Police have nothing to go on. Because they
can't go on the toilet
. Because somebody
stole
it. Jesus, is everybody here retarded?

(Nervous laughter)

HORKMAN:
Okay, there is absolutely no excuse for that kind of . . . Hey!

PECKERMAN:
Shut up, asshole. Ladies and gentleman, getting back to the issue at hand, Donald Trump. What can you say about this man that hasn't already been said by either himself or somebody else? But I will try. Donald Trump is a great American. Let me ask you a question. Abraham Lincoln. Was he a great American? Of course he was. But now let me ask you another question: How much was Abraham Lincoln worth? I'm talking net.

(Silence)

PECKERMAN:
My point exactly. Now, ladies and gentlemen. Look at Donald Trump. Where is he? Okay, there he is, on the big screen. Yoo-hoo! Donny Boy! Smile!

(Laughter)

PECKERMAN:
Ladies and gentleman, Donald Trump is richer than Abraham Lincoln, or any other president we have ever had, including John Kennedy, Benjamin Franklin, or Franklin P. Roosevelt. Donald Trump is richer than
fuck
. Do you know why, ladies and gentlemen? Because Donald Trump
demands quality
, that's why. In
everything
. His buildings, his golf courses, his signature line of chocolates, his wives,
everything
. And that's what we need in this country. Quality! Donald Trump does not settle for shitty. If something is shitty, Donald Trump says no thanks. That's the kind of thinking we need, as a nation. We have to STOP SETTLING FOR SHITTY.

(Applause)

PECKERMAN:
Thank you. Look at our toilets. Like many of you, I grew up in an America where we had great toilets. We had toilets that used 3.5 gallons of water per flush. Those toilets had
suction
, ladies and gentlemen. Those babies could suck down a mature sheep. And now look at what we have. We're using
wussy toilets
, people. Oh, sure, if you're a European, you're eating like a fucking mosquito and crapping out little molecule turds, those toilets are fine. But we don't crap like fucking Europeans! WE'RE AMERICANS, AND WE CRAP LIKE AMERICANS, AND WE DESERVE TOILETS AS GOOD AS AMERICA! People of America, ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR TOILETS?

(Applause, shouts of
“No!”)

PECKERMAN:
Exactly! And when these assholes in Washington could have done something about it, what did they do? I'll tell you what they did.
They voted on Iraq.
What kind of priorities is that? Which would you rather have, America? Iraq, or strong toilets?

(Silence)

PECKERMAN:
In closing, Donald Trump. Nominate him. And I'm not just saying this because of the million dollars. Although I definitely appreciate it. I seriously have to go.

(Crowd noise, shouts)

WILLIAMS:
I honestly don't know what to say.

BROKAW:
I've been covering politics a long time, and I have never seen anything like that.

WILLIAMS:
I don't even know if we're still on the air. But if we are, let me attempt to summarize. It appears that Jeffrey Peckerman was attempting to break the delegate deadlock here by calling on the convention to nominate Donald Trump, who as of now is not even in the running. Philip Horkman was on the stage with Peckerman, but did not appear to share his views. In fact, at one point they appeared to get into a shoving match, and after that Horkman spent the rest of the speech standing off to the side shaking his head. It's not clear at the moment whether what Peckerman is suggesting is even within the convention bylaws. There's a lot of shouting going on down there, and at the moment the convention appears to be in a state of total chaos.

BROKAW:
Meanwhile, as you can see, both Horkman and Peckerman are still on the stage, along with a large crowd of Republican dignitaries. But it seems to be an awkward gathering, Brian. My impression is, the party bigwigs initially were eager to be seen up there with Horkman and Peckerman, but now, after that speech, which can only be described as bizarre, a lot of them are not so sure.

WILLIAMS:
Peckerman also seems quite agitated, doesn't he? I'm wondering if we can get a close-up shot of what he's . . . Oh my God . . .

BROKAW:
Is that what I think it is?

CHAPTER 56

Philip

The mere thought
of what he did still horrifies me.