Love's Forbidden Flower (30 page)

Peeling away my sweater, he reveres in my femininity with his kisses and nibbles that erotically inch their way down to my navel. Gliding his cool hands down my body, he utters sounds of arousal. My jeans seem to melt away as his mouth continues its downward progress, causing me to gasp.

With my fingers desperately in need of something to grip, my hands slide under the pillows. The discovery of a small box diverts my attention from the heaven descending on me.

“Hey. What the—?”

Donovan is displeased by my distraction before a dorky grin glows over him and he slides up to face me. “I didn't think you'd find that until tonight. Open it.”

With a lump in my throat I raise the box’s lid to discover a pair of half-carat brilliant cut diamond earrings. “They're beautiful!”

The touch of his hand raises my chin, changing my view from the gems to his even more dazzling eyes. “Not nearly as much as you. It's time I gave you real jewelry. I know you've always wanted diamonds and everyone buys your birthstone. I'm determined you will get all the things you truly want.”

Our futures are mapped out. After Donovan graduates I'll find my perfect job far away from anyone we know, and we'll live as husband and wife. It's surprising the amount of couples on the Internet who have done exactly that. Once we found people willing to talk, it became astonishingly simple to accept the changes we need to make. Considering how our family went to hell, we are all too happy to create new backgrounds.

But all is not perfect in Lilyville. Far from it, for now exists a problem so complex and unsolvable that it places a smothering damper on our blissful happiness, now and forever. There's no way we'll ever resolve it to our satisfaction, and Donovan knows me too well to accept that I'm fine with that. He's right. My core feels gutted. But with Donovan it's not just hurting him, it's tearing at his soul.

“You're being cheated out of something you've always wanted to be with me,” he says while sitting across from me at the table in my apartment. Can’t he let this die? My brave face won’t last much longer.

“The last time I checked we were in this together. Besides, I can leave this relationship at any time, and I've no intention of ever doing so. I love you. End of subject.”

“Lily, I know how important this is to you. You made career choices because you want a good home life, which includes kids. You shouldn't get so caught up in me that you lose sight of whom you really are. Besides, have you even considered that if you get your business going and then people find out about us and run us out of town you'll lose everything?”

“Please. One thing at a time. If we have kids there's nearly a thirty percent chance of birth defects. Although those odds are close to those of a woman over forty, it is a risk we agree we are not willing to take. We might be able to get away with adopting or finding a sperm donor, but either way we'd still have wreath in the family tree. I know the world is getting more liberal, but I just don’t see a time within the next few hundred years that our relationship is going to be socially acceptable and the situation fair to our children.”

Desiring evasion, he rises from the chair. His lashes shadow his sight, but it is not the physical world that he wishes avoid. “Lily, that's not my point.”

“I know. I'm just trying to dodge what you're getting at. You're upset because you think these are more ways you are hurting me and maybe I'm better off with someone else.”

“Oh, Lily. Knock it off.”

I engulf his waist upon my approach. “You're still the incredible person I always knew you to be.”

Undeserved guilt seems to plague Donovan at every turn. There are times when I feel he is still struggling to fight demons. Believing that things are suddenly perfect with him may be too magical. “It's more than that. Because you were a minor, those freaks likened me to a child molester and said I should never be around kids or meet my nieces and nephews. So either I hurt you by being with you or by not even being your friend once you do have kids with someone else. I can't stand the thought of either.”

“That's absurd. I've seen you around kids for years. You've always been gentle and amazing. It's wrong enough that people we will never meet judge us based on the circumstance of being related, but to have some freak put crazy ideas in your head when you've done nothing wrong is inexcusable.”

Donovan forces a snicker. “You know, they also said I could cause permanent damage to you as you are the younger and weaker sibling. They didn't like it at all when I laughed and said they obviously didn't know how strong-willed and capable you are.”

My hands on his cheeks force him to look at me. “Those people have no idea who we are or what we feel. They have no right to judge either of us. Please don’t let this conversation start you sliding backward. We have come so far so quickly, and every now and then you start to slip. Keep fighting, okay?”

“But it does hurt you, doesn’t it?”

I've maintained my cool, but now the true realization of what I'll miss hits like a steam engine. “Yes, it cuts like a knife, but it's my decision too.”

My cell phone rings as I pull into my parking space. Upon answering it, regret is mine.

“Hi, Lily. It’s Marcia.”

“Wow. Marcia. It’s been ages. How are you?” And why on earth are you calling?

“I’m great. I'm really sorry for what happened when I last saw you. I've known an apology is needed, but it's been hard for me to think about what was going on then.”

“Well, it wasn’t appreciated, but if I had to face a bunch of strangers under those circumstances I'd want to run too.”

Silence hangs in the air while Marcia's tension transmits through the phone, adding to my apprehension over the call. Finally, she continues. “I really don’t know where to start. I'm sorry about your dad. He was very nice to me, and I'll never forget that.”

“Thank you. How did you hear?”

“I have a class with Donovan. I'd been ignoring him for obvious reasons, but I overheard him talking about it, so I approached him. He asked me to lunch, saying he only wanted to apologize, and that he felt guilty about what happened. He took me to this nice little place and we talked and, well, he kind of scared me.”

“Scared you how?”

Her lagging sigh is laced with guilt. “It was only partially true when I said I was panicking that he'd leave for good because I was insecure. He'd always been a little moody, but after we spent time at your parent’s house it was worse. Then we had that fight, and there was something in his tone that screamed if I let him out the door he'd kill himself. I know that sounds crazy, but he kept saying how he was damaged and—”

What? I knew it was bad but—“Marcia! Why the hell did you wait so long to tell me?”

“I—I figured I was the problem—or it was in my head. But when we had lunch today, everything was fine until he suddenly got very remorseful and said he hurts everyone. Lily, I'm really scared for him.”

A vice akin to the one that grabbed my throat months ago upon learning the truth about Donovan's past ensnares me. Rushing through the front door, I pull out Donovan’s journals abandoned over a month before, not wanting to relive all those bad times when things are now so perfect. I race through the pages like it’s a flipbook until I find the entry Donovan wrote the night Marcia left.

Lily I'm the stupist idiot on the universe. I thought if I moved on would be ok buts not true. Tried to love someone. dinot realize she was like you until everyone laughed. Everyone thinks I'm joke. I tried to love her anyway but she thinks I someone that am not and noone should love me never anyway. I can’t find my keys. None knows what I am anymore. My big fear is that they all know now. Maybe I left them in the car. Can’t live with people think I'm a evil. I have to prove to you am not. How do I when you hate me and I only be hated?

The journal feels like a cursed artifact in testament to Donovan's fragility. Am I reading the ramblings of a mad person who's truly gone over the edge?

“My God. I had no idea.”

Raising my head to gloat is irresistible. “I told you! When are you going to learn that I'm always right?”

“You know, you're right about that too. As of this very moment I'm agreeing that you're always right.”

“Yeah, like I believe that.”

“I’m serious, Lil. You've been right about everything regarding us from day one. From now on I'm always listening to you.” His lips grace mine as if punctuating his statement. “Always.”

“Can I take advantage of this moment?” Pulling myself up, I attempt to sit, despite his legs being in the way.

“You can always take advantage of me. Oh, wait. You're serious?”

Very. And I ensure the gravity of my tone reflects it.

“Donovan, it’s time we talk about what’s in your journals.”

My resilient man sinks into the sofa, casting his eyes aside as I surge on while sharing my concerns over his words of self-deprecation and entries reflecting times when he was in extreme danger of the destruction of himself and others. Donovan’s writings feel like a journey through hell, and his personality vividly twists and spirals with each entry.

“Why don’t we go through every section and talk about all the things people told you were bad. You and I can decide to together if they were. Then we can put this mess forever behind us.”

“I don’t want to talk about me anymore!” His words jump with a childlike snap while his eyes appear to bear witness to the hounds of hell.

“Darling, it’s fine. I just want to be sure you are all right.” I reach to touch his arm, but he cowers like an abused animal that wants to bolt for the door.

“Donovan, it’s Lily—the last person who would ever harm you. Remember me?”

His eyes are locked on me, fully dilated. His face, flush of all color and character. He's completely unresponsive while every muscle tenses to press him into the corner of the sofa as if I'm about to attack. I can only imagine what will happen if I attempt to touch him again.

The possibility of a bad reaction was anticipated, but not one such as this. I continue to try to reach him. “I'm sorry. Let's watch something else. Okay?” Moving with caution, I put some Looney Tunes in the DVD player. “It’s been ages since we watched cartoons together. Remember how they always made us laugh?”

Returning to the sofa, I take care to sit far enough away to give Donovan space. My mind races with the possibilities of what can happen, and I make note of my options from calling 911 to the best way to wrestle away a knife should he grab one. After about twenty minutes of vacant immobility, he stops the DVD, tosses the remote onto the coffee table and stares at it. Sanity creeps over his face as he brings forth words that smear my heart all over them, revealing only a portion of his inner turmoil.

“I am
not
evil. I am not victimizer or a child molester. I'm just someone who can't help whom he fell in love with. I can choose to avoid a forbidden relationship, but I really don't see why I can't be with the person I love because others don't understand. Maybe they are disgusted because their sibling is someone they could never fall for simply because of who they each are as people. But we could have truly been the one and only person ever in each other’s lives—no searching, no lonely nights, no sleeping around. We were denied it over a cruel twist of fate beyond our control.

“Never in all of eternity would I ask to fall in love with someone who could cause people to blindly hate us or to lose everyone I'm close to and drive them to revulsion. Mom discovered my feelings, and she destroyed me through evangelical wing nuts that verbally and physically abused me. They said I was hell-bound for my thoughts and would take you with me if I laid a finger on you. Then if either of us touched another, we would take them down too, and their eternal damnation would be entirely my fault.

“Those people got under my skin more than I realized. I'm sorry. Not only for today, but for every moment of pain I’ve ever caused you.”

What kind of response can possibly be given? It’s clear now that the repeated destruction of my spirit ripped at him far more than it did me. With the damage that has been done, he may be in need of more help than I can give. But his hurt does not erase my portion of the pain of our past, meaning both of us need my words to reach our ears.