Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) (8 page)

What the actual fuck?
I shake my head trying to get rid of the thoughts.

I must be drunker than I realised.

“So say what you came here for then leave,” I reply.

Dane sighs and sits back down on the sofa. “Doesn’t it ever drain you?” he asks and I cock my eyebrow taking a seat in my Lazyboy chair.

“What?”

“Being pissed at the world” he answers with a smirk on his face.

“Fuck off,” I reply dryly.

“You can say what you want, but I can see it in you. I still see it in me sometimes.” It surprises me that he admits that to me. But I don’t say anything. I’m not ready to give anything away. I’m not in that place yet.

“What do you want?” I ask and see a frown cross his face before it becomes blank.

“Look Saul, I’m going to lay this out for you. You’re a man. You’re not a pussy. Why haven’t you claimed her yet?”

I feel my body lock, but then the fight seeps out of me. He’s right. I’m being a pussy. I should have claimed her years ago.

Hanging my head. “I don’t know…no that’s not right. I do…” Pausing, I try to put my words together before vocalising them. Maybe it’s time to start sharing.

“When I was younger and started school, I met Con. We formed our friendship and it was solid within days. I’ve never turned away from that. He’s been like a brother to me through the years.”

I watch as Dane swallows and hope that it doesn’t upset him, but he has to know Con is my brother. It’s just the way it is.

“Con didn’t have a dad, or at least his dad was hit and miss. My dad was a fucker. He screwed around with every bit of skirt that he could get into until he finally left. Leaving me with that bitch.” I stop and shake my head. “We both know what a waste of space she is.”

He doesn’t respond, but he narrows his eyes looking over my shoulder.

“Soph and Pea were our friends, as much as you can be when you’re young kids. It was more like they got on our nerves, you know like a normal girl, boy thing. But for some reason the bond formed almost naturally and over the years we got even closer. Close enough that I saw how Soph’s mother treated her. Close enough that I noticed how she broke when her dad died. He was her saviour. He was her protector. When he died, she had nobody. Except me. I vowed to protect her. I’d tried to be her saviour. How can I be her fucking saviour, if I want to get between her legs?” I watch him grind his teeth waiting for him to say something else…he doesn’t.

“I know you think I’m a fuckwit.” Dane nods his agreement. “But you haven’t been there forever. I know you’ve been around for a few years now, but not forever. She’s always been my forever. I’ll never let anyone hurt her. I couldn’t protect her from her fucking bitch of a mother, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let any other bastard hurt her. As far as I can tell every man she fucks she doesn’t let them get close enough to hurt her.
Not really.
You were the only one she let in.” I can see him visibly wince at my statement.

“So what, you don’t have a problem with the fact that she
fucks
men, as you put it?” he asks working his jaw.

“Fuck no!” I reply and his eyes widen just slightly, but enough for me to notice the reaction.

“No?” he questions.

“Look if I had my way she’d stay celibate forever. Unless, of course, she was in my bed. But as that’s not a possibility then this is the next best thing. I don’t think about her with different men.”

That thought makes me throw up in my mouth a bit. Not that he needs that information.

“I prefer it. If she’s fucking them, then that’s all she’s doing. Soph doesn’t get attached easily, so I know they won’t last long. That’s why I didn’t like you. She became attached.” I stop talking and click my neck from side to side. My head suddenly feels heavy and full of shit.

“You know she never loved me, right? I mean I never loved her either. Not really,” Dane tells me and I look at him not replying.

“We both have things we can’t get past…people. You’re it for her.”

I bite my tongue at his words trying not to give him a reaction.

“Who can’t you get past?” I ask, but I almost wish I hadn’t when sadness passes through his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter who it is for me. Maybe one day we’ll have that discussion. One day when we are more like brothers and less like strangers,” he replies quietly, but I hear the bitterness in his voice. I can’t blame him. I haven’t really given him much time. Not that he’s pushed for it, but he has held out the olive branch before now.

“Sorry!” The word’s out before I realise and it surprises both of us.

“Don’t worry about it man,” Dane replies.

“Thank you for coming tonight, for trying to pull my head out of my arse, No matter what I may seem like, I am grateful. It’s just not going to happen. Not when I feel like I need to remain her friend so I can protect her,” I tell him shaking my head.

“Saul, there is something else. Something I’m getting the impression that you don’t know.”

I raise my eyebrow in question but say nothing.

“A few weeks before you came out of hospital Soph was attacked,” he says and suddenly I can’t move.

“Some motherfucker grabbed her and tried to touch her. She fought and ended up smashing her head against the pavement and had to be hospitalised,” he continues.

I can hear the blood whooshing in my ears as my anger rises. Standing up and grabbing the nearest thing to me I throw it across the room. It flies through the air and hits a picture frame on the wall. I watch as the frame smashes and all the glass shards scatter on the floor. I’m like those shards, scattered and spread so thin. I feel like there’s no way back for me. Like the frame, I’m beyond repair and besides, I’m not worth fixing.

“I can’t believe this is the first I’m hearing about this shit!” I shout.

“I don’t think it was intentionally kept from you, Saul. So calm the fuck down!” Dane shouts and I spin around on him. Suddenly I’m pretty sure I could easily take him. Especially with the white hot coals that are now under my skin.

“Did you
calm the fuck down
when you found out?” I ask and his jaw ticks. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You were there for her and I wasn’t. The one thing that has kept me from being with her for all these years…the one fucking thing, and I can’t even do that right.” I pace the room. “I’m such a fuck up…she was right.”

“What? Who was right?” Dane asks grabbing my arm.

I snatch my arm away and glare at him before deciding to take a chance on my new brother. “Years ago when Soph’s dad was dying, I used to go to her house to visit. He was a good man. Fuck knows how he got stuck with that
bitch
. Anyway, he told me I was a good boy…I was only nine or ten. He asked me to look out for Soph and that he needed me to promise I’d always be there for her. I promised. Fuck! I was a kid.” Shaking my head and sigh. “A few years later, I must’ve been about fourteen. I realised my feelings for Soph had developed and I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I remember trying to sing in my room, attempting to do something so that she’d notice me. If I’d done it, the lads would have called me a pussy. But she was worth it…” I pause and close my eyes for a second. “Mother heard me singing, she came in and asked me what the hell that racket was. I told her that I wanted to sing for Soph, so that she would see me…see inside me. Well, that bitch laughed her arse off. She told me Soph was a cheap tramp, but that even she deserved better than me.”

I can still feel the ache in my chest at the thought of never being with Soph and I rub across my chest. “I vowed from that moment that I’d never get together with her. Not just because she deserved better than me, but she also deserved a family and fuck me, I couldn’t offer her that. I wanted to protect her from our bitch of a mother. Just like I wanted to keep her safe from the world, and I couldn’t even do that.” I sit back in my chair feeling useless and wishing I had a bottle of something strong to hand.

“I tried to find him, but couldn’t. I feel like I’ve failed her too,” Dane sits back on the sofa while he relays that message.

Neither of us speaks. Sometimes there aren't any more words to add. A good ten minutes go by of our own internal thoughts in a silent apartment. Then Dane says, “Saul, if you love her, really love her with everything you are, then don’t be a prick. Whether you’re here in this place alone in a cold bed or over at my place in her bed keeping warm, you’ll always want to protect her. In which location do you think you can protect her better? Here wallowing or lying beside her?”

I sit back and think about what he’s said. I’m not sure if my head is still fuzzy from the alcohol earlier in the night, but he’s actually making sense. Ever since I’ve cut off communication with our mother, I have started to see just how poisonous and vindictive she really has been over the years. I need to be with Soph, it’s where I’ve always wanted to be. My brain is still pulling away though knowing this is going to be an uphill battle for me. It’s going against every instinct I have programmed into myself since I was fourteen. I sit back and sigh.

“The question is…do you love her enough?” Dane asks breaking the momentary silence.

I stare at my hands then look at Dane. “She’s the only woman on this planet that has the power to bring me to my knees.”

At my admission, he nods his head with a sharp jerk and stands up saying, “She’s moved into my house as I have enough space. She wants to be away from the happy couple.” He smirks. “That’s all there is. I love her, but as a sister. Maybe sister-in-law one day.” With that, he winks and walks out the front door leaving me standing there having my arse handed to me by my big brother, and all I can think about is Soph in a white fucking dress.

Standing in the middle of my new blue and white bedroom, it’s the first weekend in March. I’m so glad I picked this room. Dane said I could choose any one except his, of course, but this one feels like it was meant for me. Although I might get a new bed…with side rails.

I’ve managed to unpack after the guys got together and moved my stuff. Luckily Pea was excited for me to be moving forward. But she did have a few tears and she held onto my arm for about ten minutes unwilling to let me go, and that was before I’d even packed.

Saul has been acting strange, all stiff and distant. I’ll have to grab him for a chat about it later. I’m hoping he gets that there’s nothing sexual with Dane and me. Even so, I think I need to clear that aspect up. They need to form a relationship. And as much as they may not realise it, they do need each other. They’re both such good men and they deserve to have blood family. Dane now has Pea, and they are as close as any brother and sister who had grown up together would be. Saul still sits on the outside though. He’s always been Mr. Broody, but since the accident he’s been more closed off than normal and I’m getting sick of it. I know how I feel about him. I’m not kidding myself. But the love I have for him was born from our friendship first. No matter what he does with his life, and where our roads lead, I will always be ready to cross the bridge to be by his side if he needs me. That will never change.

My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket. It’s a text from Pea.

Pea:
Sorry I’ve been up and down with my moods. This child is making me a bit hormonal!

I laugh at her text. Hormonal is an understatement. Bat-shit crazy is closer to the truth.

Me:
No worries sweets. Just give me a smoke signal or send over a carrier pigeon when you’re next acting crazy, and I’ll make sure to stay away for a few days.

Pea:
Yeah funny. I want to go to AbsoluteRetro tonight. You game?

Taking a moment to ponder it over, I need a night out.

Me:
Yeah. Absolutely.

Pea:
Fab. Ask Dane. I can’t be arsed texting anymore. It’s wearing me out. I’m going for a nap. We’ll come to yours tonight at 6 and leave from there.

I roll my eyes and slide my phone into my back pocket. Going downstairs looking for Dane, I’m happy as I realise I don’t feel awkward in my new home.

“Dane,” I call.

“Yeah Tink, in the kitchen.”

I wander into the kitchen. Dane is cutting up some peppers.

“What you making?” I ask my tummy suddenly coming to life.

Dane smirks. “Hungry?” he asks.

“Depends on what you’re having,” I reply.

He grins at me and answers, “Fancy an omelette.” I nod my head and smile. “Yeah, count me in.” He turns and grabs some more eggs.

“So Pea said we’re going to AbsoluteRetro tonight. She’s meeting us here at six. You good with that?”

He glances up at me. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Have you spoken to him?” he asks.

“Saul?” I question even though I know who he means. “No,” I answer before he’s had time to reply.

“I just thought maybe you should. After what happened the last time we were at that place.” He doesn’t say anything else, busying himself with the omelettes, but he doesn’t have to, I know what he’s trying to say.

“Yeah, I do need to talk to him, but I’m not sure tonight is that night. I just need a bit of fun.”

He nods in agreement and I have a thought.

“Actually, I think I might call Eric and see if he wants to come,” I mumble nodding at myself.

“I haven’t seen him for a while,” Dane says. “Not since I was going into work on a daily basis. Since I’ve stepped back, I haven’t really seen anyone.” He’s talking to me, but he’s looking out across the kitchen like he’s just realised what he’s said is true. And that actually bothers him, if the scrunching of his brow is anything to go by.

I walk out of the kitchen and throw over my shoulder, “Let me know when my dinner’s done princess and I’ll come back. If you’re lucky, I’ll buy you a pretty apron and a new sewing kit.” He smirks as I wink at him while walking out texting Eric.

Me: Hey, I’m going to a karaoke bar tonight with Pea and Dane and the usual, I want you there, you in?

It only takes a few seconds for him to respond

Eric:
Abso-fucking-lutely Missy! I’m bringing Rich, he’ll hate it. It’s perfect!

I laugh at his response.

Me:
Okay, we’ll swing by and get you on the way. About 6.30.

Eric:
Perfect! Do I need me a dress?

I roll my eyes at him, always the diva.

Me:
It’s not a drag club, but if you want to wear a dress then you go for it.

Eric:
Not for me! I’m not in the mood for drag tonight. Anyway, I need some new makeup first. I was going to have a dress ready for you.

Me:
Me? Why?

Eric:
It’s been so long since you’ve been out and that’s not like you. I assumed you had sent your clothes to the dry cleaners and it burnt down with all your stuff inside. Otherwise, why haven’t you been out! There’s no excuse!

I chuckle at the drama queen.

Me:
No, just not been feeling it. But I’m better now. See you tonight.

I hope he gets that I’m not in the mood to talk.

Eric:
Hmmm. Okay…for now. See you later. Smooches.

I smile and hear Dane call me for my omelette.

A few hours later and we’re on our way to collect Eric and Rich. I decided to go with Dane. Con and Pea are in Saul’s car.

Dane reaches out and grabs my hand. “You okay?” he asks.

I nod but say nothing.

“Things will work out, I’m sure of it,” he tells me.

I look over to him. “Is that how you feel about your own life?” I ask and he flinches slightly. I feel like a bitch. I wasn’t trying to be, but I don’t feel sorry for asking. He needs to wake up. He can’t live the rest of his life in this limbo that he seems to exist in at the moment.

“Touché Tink. The truth is I don’t know. I want to say yes, but at the moment I don’t see how that’s possible,” he states.

I don’t reply, there’s nothing to say. I want to fix his issues, but I know from my own experience you can only really fix yourself. You can be there for someone else, but the change has to come from within.

Fifteen minutes later and we’ve stopped. Eric and Rich have jumped in the car and Eric hasn’t stopped talking. We’re not too far from the karaoke bar now and I zone out of Eric’s constant chatter and try to take stock of my life.

I have a job I hate, and I’m in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me. I have no family and no car. I’m not sure why the car is necessary, but it seems like something that needs to be added to the list.

I try and focus on the positives. I have friends who are closer to me than any family I’ve ever had experience with, and that’s only going to increase when Pea and Con’s baby is born. I have my health…that’s always a bonus. I’ve been dancing again lately, and truthfully, I’ve loved every minute of it. Somehow, it makes me feel like I’m making my dad proud. He always took me to my dance classes.

Be brave.
It’s what he always told me.

It’s my motto in a way.

“Be brave,” I breathe out quietly.

“What?” Dane whispers. Eric is oblivious in the back still chattering away.

“Nothing,” I say shaking my head but smiling. Dane looks at me like I’m crazy. That’s okay. I am. Who wants to be normal? Not me!

I know what I have to do. I need to speak to Saul. We’re grown now, we’ve all been through so much. It’s time I laid my cards on the table once and for all, and if he rejects me then it will be my final hurrah and I’ll know I need to move on.

A couple of hours later and we’re all sitting around a table at the bar and listening to both good and bad karaoke. Right now, we have a guy up singing Chris Brown, thinking he’s all gangsta.

“Oh Lord!” Eric says with his lips pursed and eyebrow cocked.

“We should go up there!” he says flapping his hands at Rich, who just raises one eyebrow at him and shakes his head, no. Saul and Con laugh

“What are you two laughing about?” Pea jumps on them, but I know what she’s doing and I’m game.

“Yeah, I do believe you two still need to go up and sing yourselves,” I add fuel to the fire.

Con and Saul lost a bet to Pea and me last month. The bet was stupid, the winning team was the one who could throw skittles in the air and then the other person had to catch them in their mouth. The first team to miss one lost, the boys missed first. Their forfeit was to get up on stage and sing. I think that’s probably why Pea wanted us all to come here tonight.

“Okay!” Con says. “I don’t back out of a bet. Come on Saul, you too Eric.” And he gets up. Eric claps his hands together in glee and Rich shakes his head again, but with a grin on his face and love in his eyes.

Five minutes later and the person on stage stops singing. Then they announce the guys…well, I assume it’s the guys, possibly having been given a band name by Eric.

“Welcome on stage for the first time, The Nine Inch Males. Be kind everyone.”

Pea and I burst out laughing and Dane and Rich both wear shit-eating grins.

The music starts and immediately I’m on my feet and fighting my way onto the floor just in front of the stage as the guys start singing to Color Me Badd’s – ‘I Wanna Sex You Up.’ I haven’t heard this song in years. I stand watching them as they start with the
‘ooo's.’

It's obvious Con and Saul are feeling uncomfortable and stiff, whereas Eric is completely into it moving his body and jiggling to the beat like he's in a music video. I cheer for them and the crowd around me join in too. This seems to relax the guys somewhat because they start singing and moving more…it's definitely better than the lame swaying they have been doing. At about the halfway point, all three lads have completely immersed themselves in it. The crowd are egging them on, and they love the attention.

Then they break out moves that have me doubled over with laughter. Fuck knows where it comes from, but one minute they're jiggling from side to side and the next minute Eric turns around and is twerking his arse to the crowd. Saul is doing the Running Man, and Con is doing something altogether different. He has his leg bent at the knee and is holding his ankle while his other hand is on the side of his head. He’s kind of dancing like an ostrich on Red Bull.

I laugh so hard I double over from pain in my tummy. Jumping when I hear a snort followed by laughing right next to me until I turn and realise its Pea and she’s flapping her arms and trying to catch her breath through her own laughter. Nodding my head and turning back to the guys, they always make me laugh. I catch Saul's eye and he winks at me, and I - like a teenager watching a boy band - go all gooey inside and feel my heart flutter.