Love Notes (20 page)

Tori takes a deep breath and I can tell she’s going to rain down on me.

“I kept hoping that you would finally wise up and just call her. Tell her that you made a mistake, but you didn’t. You haven’t. I know you’ve got some asinine reasons but come on already. Are you stupid? She hasn’t been the same since you sent her away. She finally started seeing herself in a better light. Please don’t tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about either, because I know you do. You were a huge reason for her feeling better about herself and you've gone and undone everything. I know that’s a lot to put on your shoulders and that she has to figure some of this stuff out for herself. She has to learn to see for herself how incredibly wonderful and freaking ass awesome she is. But I don't think she can do it without you Maverick. When she first moved here, there was a sadness about her that drew me to her and I just knew that she needed me. The thing is, I needed her just as much. She has no clue how much. She and I don’t even talk like we used to. She’s very quiet and guarded. I hurt for her. You and I both know there’s more going on at home than she has ever let on. I don’t even go over there that often and I can tell. It’s like a show is being put on while there is “company.” She always seems on edge, any time I’ve been there. So I’m asking you this Maverick. If you care, if you truly care, please, please do whatever you need to do and get over this pity party shit already, because you’re hurting more than just yourself. You’re hurting everyone around you. Even Will, who normally lets nothing bother him has been affected, so I know you’ve also pushed him away as well. Please stop. Just stop.”

And with that Tori turns and walks right on out the door.

I lay there for the rest of the afternoon considering everything Tori said. I didn’t think it’s possible to feel more like a dick. But I do. I feel horrible. Everything Tori has said is true.

I had, had a front row seat to the pain that she had endured by her dad that night. I remember how Charlie had acted afterwards. I could tell then that something wasn’t right. She was way too complacent about it, which I couldn’t understand. In fact her only response was embarrassment, like it was a normal occurrence for her. The more I thought about everything, the more pissed off I got. Mostly with myself and for not seeing what was directly in front of me the whole time. I knew I needed to make this right, I just wasn’t sure how or if I could.

Chapter 34-Charlie

There’s not enough adjectives to explain how I feel. I’m shattered and lost.

What happened between Maverick and me was bad enough. However, the confrontation with my dad has nearly broken me. I don't want to eat. I'm afraid of gaining any weight. I just want to put the music on and drown myself into it and never get up. That's all I do in my spare time. Go to school and come home. Do my homework, throw the ear buds in and go to bed.

I see Tori at school and we speak, but not like it was and actually I don't want to talk. I honestly don't want to speak to anyone. But you got to love her, that girl continues to try. She puts up with me and truth be told, I don't understand why. I’m not worth the time she spends on me. I’ve even seen her resorting to speaking to Will now.

My mom doesn't speak to me at all. It's as if I don't exist. Truth be told, it's as if she doesn't exist either. It's like she’s given up living entirely. She’s just a shell of a woman going through the motions day by day.

I avoid my dad at all cost. He seems to like it that way as well. As long as I am out of his hair, he stays out of mine. What a way to exist.

I’ve thought about calling Maverick so many different times, but then would lay the cell phone back down. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me and if he did I would’ve heard from him by now. The fact that he was so happy to see me in one moment, even telling me that he loves me and then in the next instant, sending me away without looking back. I know that things have completely changed.

Going back to school I was supposed to act like life is “normal,” But I don’t feel normal. I’m hurting and I’m sure the pain is etched clearly across my face. I try, I really do. I can’t help but question whether his love for me might still be there. How can you let someone go so easily?

The bitches are bitches again. I suppose with Maverick in the hospital and word getting around that he's not speaking to me, they figure he's done with me. One day I overheard Ashley say how she wasn’t surprised at all and that she knew I wouldn't be able to hold his attention for long anyway. It was only a matter of time. I think, “Whatever.” I’m still trying to just ignore them. Some days are harder than others though. Sometimes when I walk down the hallway there’s nothing but snickers and stares. I sure miss Maverick.

Will is great and still hangs with me and Tori. He helps lighten the mood some. We studiously avoid talking about Maverick, which is for the best. I think Will still likes Tori, but he’s eased off and is just taking the friends route with her, since that’s all she’s offering. Thank goodness for him though, he definitely makes things more bearable. If he walks with us and he hears anyone whispering, he’ll throw a look their way. He doesn’t think I notice or pay attention, but I do. I always notice.

Tori and I are still practicing our song for the festival, but with Maverick gone, we've since had to change it. I like to sing what I’m feeling and I’m certainly not feeling what was chosen, so now we've chosen a song called Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson, which is perfect for how I’m feeling at the moment. I'm working on “Catching My Breath,” as the song states. Completely appropriate, if I do say so myself. We’ve just a couple of days left until the show as well as the homecoming dance. Coincidentally, it's the same week that Maverick is also due back at school.

Chapter 35-Charlie

Where I used to look forward to going to school, it now takes everything in me, just to get out of bed and make myself look presentable. I try to put on a smile for Tori, just to save face. She's not stupid and I don't doubt for a second that she's knows, but she never pushes me. It's one of the reasons I love her.

So here I go again, it’s almost like reliving the same day over and over, kind of like the movie Ground Hog Day. Same shit, every day. Same people whispering, ugh.

As I am pulling into the parking lot, I look over and see a section of the parking lot completely bogged down with people. It’s like a huge swarm of bees. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do see Tori leaning up against her car waiting for me. As soon as I catch her eye I smile and give her a crazy look right before I pull in beside her. I’m not getting any reaction out of her. Hmm, very strange. I wonder who pissed in her corn flakes this morning. I thought I was the one with the 'tude.

I hop out and slam the door shut. Trying to put her in a better mood, I walk over to her and feel the need to throw my arm around her shoulders and say in a baby voice, “What’s wrong someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” She’s probably thinking I’m loco, considering my behavior of late. She looks like she needs a little TLC, Lord knows she's been giving it to me lately, so it's the least I can do in return. She’s just staring at me with this look of concern all over her face. “What is it Tori, you’re kinda scaring me?” That's when it hits me. Like a slap in the face. The swarm, the bees. He’s here. My heart is beating like a freight train and I swear she can hear it. “Yep,” she says, “He’s here.”

All Tori can do is nod. As if sensing her conformation, all of a sudden it's like the parting of the red sea and everyone in the swarm spreads apart. One end goes one way, the other end goes the other. And there, in the middle, I see Maverick leaning against a car with a pair of crutches and one of the “bitches” on either side of him. He turns and looks at me and our eyes catch. We stare at each other, but only for a moment before he looks away. He’s not moving, he’s just standing there.

I can't help but think, “He looked away…” The ‘bitches’ are smirking and completely enjoying the show. Well I won’t give them what they want. I can’t stand here. I need to go. I see Will in the group surrounding Maverick and he turns and looks at us. I see Will start walking toward us. I feel the urge to throw up, but I sure as hell can’t do that. I would never hear the end of it if I did. I hold it down and keep my head up. I will not let them see a reaction out of me. Tori links her arms through mine just as Will reaches us and helps me walk away.

I don’t even remember the walk to the bathroom. I just know we get there and then Tori is asking if I’m okay, before I go in. Next thing I know I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror. Of course, crazy stupid thoughts are running through my mind. I’m ugly and fat and why would he want to be with me when he could be with either Ashley or Miranda? I am nothing, that's what my dad says and goodness knows my mom must believe it. She’s never spoken up, so she must. I’m completely putting myself down, when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t even hear Tori come in. I’m too consumed in my own pity and trying desperately not to cry.

“You had better quit the shit that I know you're doing right now.” Tori says.

I attempt the stupid look as if to ask what's she's talking about, but she knows me all too well. “Don’t play stupid with me. I can see that pity party just playing in your head. You wear your expressions very well. First off, you know damn well that Maverick is just having his own issues he needs to deal with and it has nothing to do with you, even though he’s too proud and stupid to fix it right now. He thinks pushing you away will be better for you. We all know that’s not true, he just needs to work that out. The only thing I can gather, is that he sees himself as less than perfect for himself and for you. I have an idea that he is well aware of what he’s done, but that he just doesn't know how to fix it.”

I can’t help but turn to her and give her a “You're crazy look.”

“You are out of your mind Tori.” As I am saying this, she’s shaking her head. Nope I know this to be true and I’m the smart one, remember.”

With a small chuckle I say, “Yep, you're crazy I knew it Tori.”

“Hey, I know there are things going on that you don't want to talk about. I see it every day. You’ve lost weight, you rarely laugh and you try to act normal. She uses her two fingers to do bunny ears. I can't take offense, because she's right. I know it and she knows it. I’ve tried to hide it. Even the first time we met, she knew I was desperate for a friend. I don't want her to think I am ungrateful and don't appreciate her, because I do. I’m just not prepared to share some parts of my life. Not yet.

“Thanks Tori for being here and being you. I will be out in a few. I just need a little time to collect myself before I face that,” as I swing my arm to the door indicating the outside world.

“You got it babe and I will stand guard by the door for you, while you do.”

She walks out the door and once again I’m by myself with my thoughts running rampant through my head. For whatever reason, the memory of him asking me out on our first date, not the time he came for dinner, but our first official date, comes to mind.

It was the following Monday at school after meeting his parents. He leaned into me and had asked me to go out with him on a “real” date for the next Saturday. All I could do was nod my head yes. I also remember very clearly him saying, “Also Charlie ,on Friday night, I want you cheering me on. I need to see “my” girl in the stands watching me play. Do you mind doing this for me?” I remember wanting to tease him, because he had looked so earnest and hell bent on wanting me there. It made me happy and feel special.