Love Me to Death (27 page)

“Wait.” It’s the first thing I’ve said since we left the hospital. “Don’t leave me,” I whisper. I see the hesitation in her eyes but whatever inner battle she was having is dismissed as she walks over to me. She sits on the side of the bed and I turn my body to face her. I reach up and pull her down next to me. My hands trace the contours of her body and I can’t get over how beautiful she is. But right now that’s not what I need. I don’t need her beauty or any feelings. I just need to forget. I need her to make me forget every single word that was said tonight. Every bruised heart and shattered soul.

My hand finds the hem of her tank top and I slowly start to lift until it is over her head. I throw it, not caring where it ends up. My hands slide around to her back and in two easy moves, I undo her bra clasp.

“Cole,” she whispers questioningly.

I shake my head at her. “Please, I need this. Don’t stop me.” I wait for her approval and when I get it, I drag the material from her body discarding it immediately. I pop the top button of her jeans and pull the zipper down slowly. I watch my every movement but I won’t look into her eyes. If I look then I’ll know that what I’m doing is wrong. I’ll know that I’m everything my father said I was … Selfish. I sit up and pull the jeans down past her thighs, slowly removing them from each ankle. I throw them on the floor before letting my hands glide across the smooth surface of her skin. For once I take no time to admire her panties and instead rip them off her in one fluid swipe. I still feel the tears teasing the rims of my eyes and I hear my father’s angry voice but I push them deep into the dark hole I am trying to create inside my head. I move faster.

I stand up from the bed and stare lustfully at her body, never allowing my eyes to look at her face. I’m not ready to see what she thinks of me right now. I slip my boxers down my thighs and kick them away from me. I return to the bed and hover over her.
I can’t even say her name.
I part her thighs with my leg and position myself between them. Holding myself in place I plunge into her deep and quick.
I don’t even think about protection.

I let my face fall into the dip of her neck, never once looking up as I push into her over and over again. With each thrust I expect to feel better, to hear my father’s words disappearing like they usually do when I use a woman’s body to drown out his voice. Only, this time, it doesn’t work. I thrust faster and harder not even thinking about her pleasure. I have to drown the sound of his voice out.
I hate myself.
I know that I’m making a mistake but maybe my dad is right. What if I am selfish? What if I’m destined to hurt people for the rest of my life? Then wouldn’t it be better to let her go now before I hurt her? I ask this question repeatedly as I push in and out of her over and over again. And each time I get back the same answer.
It’s too late. She’s already hurting.

As
I find my release I fall completely still. I don’t move a muscle and instead, I just listen to the sound of our breathing in the cold night air. The voices are still there and so is the guilt.
Please don’t hate me. I feel sick. I feel dirty. I cry into the dip of her neck. I can’t breathe.

“Ned, I’m so sorry,” I whisper through my tears. She doesn’t reply. “Ned,” I say when she doesn’t answer. I lift my head and see tears running down her cheeks. I try to wipe them away with the pads of my thumbs but my hands are shaking.
I hate myself.
I can’t look at her but at the same time, I can’t help but look at her. I caused the pain on her face. “Ned, I didn’t mean—”

“To use me,” she interjects coldly. I say nothing. “Too late,” she says in a tone I’ve never heard from her before. “I need to go.”

“Ned, please,” I plead in a whisper.

“Please,” she pauses, “I need you to let me go.” Her voice breaks at the end.
I’m a monster.

I don’t argue. I roll off of her and watch as she puts her clothes back on. I feel sick. I can’t make this right.

She walks from the room and heads out the door. I jump to my feet and follow her.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as she opens my apartment door.

She turns to look at me and I hate the pain in her eyes. “Me too,” she says and then she is gone. And for the first time in my life, I start to accept everything that my dad has ever said about me. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be …

I am a jerk.
That’s the first thing I tell myself when I wake up. What the hell was I thinking?
I wasn’t.
How could I ever think that treating Ned like I’ve treated every other girl was going to make me feel better? It made everything a hundred times worse. I even feel guilty about the way I’ve treated every other girl before her. I couldn’t even look at her last night. The idea of seeing the pain that I caused painted across her face as I used her makes me feel sick.

My dad always has a way of screwing things up in my mind. I moved thousands of miles, to a new state just to get away from him and still he comes here for one day and makes me feel like the crap on the bottom of his shoe. I don’t know why he hates my mom so much but hearing him say anything bad about her drives me crazy. I wanted to kill him last night. My mom was the best damn wife he could have asked for but he refuses to even acknowledge one good thing about her.
I don’t want to end up like him.

He’s managed to push everything and everyone away from him in the past six years. He’s become a recluse and I know that he’s lonely. He says that I’m just like my mom but the truth is I’m just like him. I watched the death of my mom turn a good man into a monster. So I’ve spent years keeping my distance from every woman that crosses my path. Preventing myself from turning into a monster too. I’ve never allowed myself to have even a string of an emotional attachment.
Until Ned.
But now I’ve pushed her away too.

Bang. Bang. Bang.
I hear the sound of my door and jump to my feet. Could she forgive me? Would she come back? I rush to the door and swing it open hopefully. I let out a frustrated sigh as I see Bobby standing there looking at me cautiously.

“Hey,” he says.

“Come in.”

“You ok?” he mumbles as we walk into my living room.

“Define ok?”

“Your dad was out of line yesterday. Nothing he said was true. You know that, right?”

I shrug my shoulders. “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’ve screwed up everything so I don’t give a rat’s ass what he thinks of me anymore.”

“Does this have something to do with Ned?”

I laugh humorlessly. I stand to my feet and head to the kitchen. I grab two beers from the fridge. I offer Bobby one but he shakes his head in disapproval.

“A little early isn’t it?”

“Nope, perfect timing,” I say before pulling the lid off with my teeth and taking a long swig. “She’s gone.”

“Who?” He looks perplexed.

“Ned, I messed up.”

“I’m sure you guys can work it out.”

I shake my head. “Nope, I treated her like every other girl. It’s done. She walked away.” I allow the words to sink in before taking another sip of my beer.

“You really like her, don’t you?”

“I guess. Not that it matters anymore. Besides, Layla’s my main concern. Worrying about Ned’s feelings isn’t really an option right now.”

He watches me for a moment as if deciding whether or not to say the next thing on his mind. He gives his head a little shake.

“You’re right, that’s why I’m here. Go get dressed and let’s go and see what’s happening.”

I nod my head and drink the last of my beer. I walk in a daze to my room. It takes no more than five minutes for me to throw the clothes I was wearing yesterday back on.

“Ready?” Bobby asks as I walk back to the living room.

“Ready.”

“Good, let’s go.”

Neither of us speaks along the way. I’m lost in my thoughts when Bobby finally breaks the silence. “Bren, your dad might still be there,” he warns.

“I’m not in the mood for trouble so it’s his lucky day,” I say with a fake smile.

I know Bobby can see through my act but he doesn’t call me out on it. Walking into the hospital feels like a reminder of everything that I screwed up last night. We go down the same corridors and walk through the same double yellow doors that lead to the waiting room — as we were instructed to by one of the nurses.

Only, this time, my breath gets caught in my chest as I walk into the room.
Ned.
She’s here. She’s sitting right next to Jamie. Her caramel eyes are locked on mine as I walk through the door and I can’t look anywhere but at her. My heart is beating violently in my chest and I only realize that I have been holding my breath all morning when I suddenly let it out at just the sight of her.

She rises from her seat and walks toward me. She doesn’t speak but her arms encase me and for the first time in six years I feel complete. I can breathe. Just in case, this is nothing but a dream I pull her closer. My nose inhales the sweet smell of strawberries and cream. And if my best friend and brother-in-law weren’t here, I’d make love to her right here just to make up for the crap I gave her last night. To show her what she really deserves.

She pulls away quickly and I instantly feel cold. How has this girl suddenly become my heat?

“You ok?” she whispers.

I nod. “Ned, I’m—”

She shakes her head. “Not now.” I nod in understanding. I look over her shoulder at Jamie. He looks tired. His hair is disheveled, he is wearing the same clothes as last night and his eyes are red. I walk over to him and he stands instantly. I see the tears in his eyes. I wrap my arms around him.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

He stands back and looks at me with a serious look on his face. “I know that he’s your father but what he said last night was wrong.
This
is not your fault,” he says firmly.

I want to disagree and tell him that the truth is that Layla wouldn’t have driven to my apartment if she knew I was in Ohio but I know that nothing can change his mind. I look into his eyes and see the same hope that my mom and Layla have in me.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “How is she?”

“Stable. She still hasn’t woken up yet so it’s just a matter of waiting. She took a bad hit to the head. They say that her brain activity looks normal but nothing is certain until she wakes up.”

“Alex and Sophie, are they ok?”

“Yes, they are with my parents, they just miss their mom,” he says sadly.

“The baby …” It’s not a question just an acknowledgment that a piece of us all has gone.

“They did everything they could during the surgery but they couldn’t save them both. I would have done anything to keep Layla alive.” Tears are forming in his eyes. “Does that make me a bad person, the fact that I would rather lose my unborn baby than my wife?” He looks desperate. I search for the words but they are stuck in my throat.

“No, it makes you human. You love her. That’s not a crime,” Ned says softly as she rests a hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

He just nods weakly.

“I need to go for a walk,” I say looking at Ned. She nods.

“Will you stay with Jamie?” Ned asks Bobby.