Love Me If You Dare (Safe Haven) (2 page)

My
heart thumped with the finality of it, but I knew it was the right decision.
Being back home, with the ghost of my sister hanging over my shoulder, I knew
that I wasn’t in a place to be with anyone.

I’d
never be able to be with Joel in the way that he deserved, and there was a damn
good reason why. Three years ago that reason had been over six feet tall, lean
and with a smile that made me want things I didn’t understand.

“Aaaah!”
I screamed softly into my hands, trying to shake away the memory.

Thoughts
of Dylan McKay never did me any good.

For
a long moment I sat on that step, tears threatening, feeling more sorry for
myself than I ever had in my life. Who was I kidding? I was Kaylee, the less
exciting Sawyer twin, the good girl, the one who got into trouble the one time
she tried to let herself go.

Except...
that description didn’t sit quite right anymore. I might have gone to college
determined to channel my twin, but over the last three years some of her
wildness had knit itself into my own personality.

I
wasn’t content to stay home and fade into the silence of this ghostly house.

If
I was back at school, what would I have done?

I
stood abruptly as the answer came to me, brushing my dusty palms over the
thighs of my jeans.

The
Kaylee I was at school—the Kaylee that I now was, full stop—wanted to seek out
some company. I wanted music and the cacophony of people.

I
wanted a party.

My
fingers suddenly slick with dampness from the need to get away, to get
out
,
I pulled up the contact list on my phone and scrolled through it until I found
who I was looking for. Caroline Chase was the only person in Fish Lake that I’d
kept in contact with, the only person Id been friends with three years ago that
I could stand to be around now. We weren’t close by any stretch of the
imagination, but she was one of those friends who could pick up where we’d left
off, no questions asked.

Spurred
on by the need to escape the suddenly stifling air of the house that was
crammed with memories, I tapped out a quick text.

Hey
Caro. Back in town for the summer. Anything going on tonight?

I
expected her to get back to me quickly, and I wasn’t disappointed—the girl was
even more attached to her phone than I was to mine.

Girl!
Gotta see you! Nate and I r having a party right now. UR welcome to come, but not
really your scene. Want to catch up tomorrow?

I
scowled for a moment. Not really my scene? Back in New Haven I was the party
queen
.
I might have gone out so much because I was seriously messed in the head, but
no one else knew that.

I
calmed down after a moment. The Caroline that I texted and emailed with hadn’t
seen me in person in over three years. She had no idea how much I’d changed.

She
would have no idea how a few hours back in this town was making wanting to stay
the same.

Rising
to my feet, I hurried back to my room to change, typing out a text as I went.

A
party sounds perfect. C u there.

A
party at Caroline and Nate’s meant beer, loud music, and people. Lots of
people. I could have a drink, dance, forget my problems for a while.

It
was risky, since Caroline and Nate had been part of the group that Ella had hung
out with. But I had no idea if Dylan McKay was even still in town.

If
I couldn’t even face the room where the tragedy had happened yet, then I sure
wasn’t ready to face him. But I was going crazy, trapped here in this house.

I’d
take my chances.

T
he
bass of the music coming from inside the small house that Caroline shared with
her boyfriend Nate weighed down air that was otherwise crisp with early summer.
I stood for a moment on the sidewalk, letting the vibrations work through the
soles of my shoes and up my legs to my belly.

When
I’d started college it had taken a lot of effort for me to break free of my
shell, my natural inclination to hang back and observe rather than participate.
But I’d pretended for so long that my alter ego was now a real part of me.

Hearing
the loud music, seeing the people standing on the front porch, made me smile.
This was exactly what I’d needed.

Still,
I was a bit nervous as I smoothed my palms on the skirt of my dress and headed
up the concrete path to the front door. I wondered if Dylan would be here.

The
thought of seeing him in the flesh after so long was terrifying, and yet at the
same time, I desperately hoped for it.

I
was nuts.

Raking
my fingers through my red curls, I shook it off. The Kaylee I was back in New
Haven would have charged through the front door, grabbed a drink and climbed on
the biggest speaker to dance.

Knowing
what these people remembered about me was like feeling invisible arms, holding
me back. Irritably, I shrugged, then pushed through the people who were
clustered on the worn wood of the deck. Apart from Caroline, who cared what
they thought? I’d be gone again in a few months, anyway.

The
air inside the house was heavy, thick with the scents of booze and pot, layered
with the saccharine sweetness of hormones, of lust, of the neediness of people
searching for a hookup. The living room before me was packed, the floor beneath
my feet sticky. I rose up onto my toes, searching for a familiar face, ignoring
the ones that stared at me without bothering to disguise their fascination.

I
was probably imagining it, after all. Fish Lake was a small town, but
everything that had happened—well, it had been three years ago. Tragic as it
was, life moved on. Surely people had other things on their minds now.

Glancing
down at my dress, one that screamed sex, I smiled wryly to myself. I sure looked
like I’d moved on, and when I wasn’t in Fish Lake I could almost convince
myself of it.

Caroline
was in the far corner of the room, by a card table set up with countless
bottles of booze and soda. As I set off across the room in her direction I felt
my nerves beginning to fall away, lost in the familiar atmosphere of people
converging together for the basic human need to socialize.

Though
this crowd had always been more Ella’s friends than mine, I’d always felt
welcome enough, the few times I’d come to parties thrown by Nate and Caro. I
knew that was because of Caroline, who had been one of the few people who’d
cared enough to look past the shyness I’d once clutched around myself like a
cloak. We would never be best friends, but I still enjoyed her friendship.

The
tiny blonde had her arms around Nate when I approached, the expression on her
face showing exactly what had kept them together since their freshman year of
high school. A pang stabbed me in the chest, just one quick, bloodless slice as
I stopped, hung back, feeling like I was intruding on something private.

I
wasn’t jealous that she had Nate. The man was a long, tall drink of chocolate
milk for sure, but he didn’t do it for me.

No,
the slice came from the knowledge that the one guy who had haunted my thoughts,
my dreams since the first time I’d met him wasn’t going to want anything to do
with me now. Even knowing that, I couldn’t stop stealing quick, furtive little
glances around, checking for that thick, spiky hair, or those eyes that had
never been able to decide if they were hazel or green.

Then
Caroline spotted me, standing awkwardly a few feet away, and for a blissful few
moments I was caught up with nothing but happiness at seeing my friend.

“Kay...”
My name from her lips trailed off as she looked me over, her eyes taking in my
skimpy red dress, my sky high heels, and her brow furrowed for a moment. I
could follow her thoughts as clearly as if she’d spoken them aloud.

What
the hell was Kaylee Sawyer doing, dressed like this?

I
waited, grimacing inwardly, as she broke away from Nate with a squeal. Shaking
long golden hair from her face, the one person I’d kept in contact with in Fish
Lake launched herself at me, hugging me until my ribs felt like they would
crack.

Relief
was a morphine drip in my veins. She’d noticed that I’d changed. But, true to
how she’d always been, she just accepted me as I was.

“Kaylee!”
Pulling back, the girl who resembled nothing so much as a forest sprite looked
me up and down in the way that good friends can without being creepy. I waited
to see if she would comment on my look, which wasn’t new to me but sure was to
everyone else here.

“Nice
dress.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and grinned. “I don’t have the boobs to
hold something like that up.”

The
part of me that had frozen as soon as I’d driven past the town limits began to
thaw. I looked down at my own boobs, which were a perfectly respectable B cup
but nothing spectacular, and wiggled my eyebrows back.

“Victoria’s
Secret.” I stage whispered. “Ssh, it’s a secret.”

She
hooted with laughter, stepping back to let me at the drink table.

“Move
that sexy ass, Nate.” Caroline playfully hip checked her man out of the way,
and in return he smacked her butt, grinning at me as he did.

“Looking
good, Sawyer.” Nate looked me up and down with fake lasciviousness as Caroline rolled
her eyes. “Wanna make out?”

I
laughed and rolled my eyes along with Caroline. Being around two people who
were just happy I was home and didn’t want to have a long, serious discussion
about anything did me a world of good.

“Nate,
stop hitting on her and move. It took three years, but Kaylee’s here and ready
to party.” Caroline grabbed two red plastic cups from a teetering stack and
gestured to the array of half empty bottles on the card table. “Let’s get a few
drinks into her before she changes her mind.”

“I’ll
leave you women to it.” Nate saluted us with his cup before wandering off into
the crowd. “Don’t break too many hearts.”

“No
shit, Sawyer.” Caroline whistled as she held up a bottle of whiskey in one hand
and a mickey of vodka in the other. “I had no idea you were so hot. Though you
did rock the sexy librarian thing.”

“A
librarian? Shit.” I gestured to the vodka, ignoring the inquisitive expression
on Caroline’s face as I reached around her for one of the cups that she’d
gotten out.

It
seemed like such a stereotype, twins who were polar opposites. But despite how
much we’d looked alike, that was exactly what Ella and I had been. And
obviously I wasn’t happy that she was gone, but the fact remained that, in her
absence, I had been able to become.... different. To be things that I hadn’t
felt free to be before.

But
I didn’t want to get into any of that, not right now. No, I just wanted to
dance.

“Here’s
to you coming home!” Caroline accepted the cup of vodka and seven that I handed
her and lifted it, toasting me. Though her toast made me squirm a bit, I
shrugged it off.

I
was here to have fun. But before following her to the space that had been
cleared for dancing, I spat out the question that had been on the tip of my
tongue since I’d walked in the door.

“Dylan
McKay.” I felt like I’d shouted, though I’d tried to keep my voice down.
Caroline turned, her face suddenly intent on my own.

Nervously
I ran my tongue over dry lips.

“Is
he still in town?”

Caroline
nodded with apparent sympathy.

“Yeah.
He’s still around. Jax too, and Nick,” she added, naming the other guys, the
ones who had been Dylan’s best friends since grade school.

“Right.”
I lifted my cup to my lips and gulped at the liquid. I’d gone heavy on the
vodka, adding a splash of seven just for form’s sake, and it burned my nose and
throat as I swallowed.

I
was thrilled. I was terrified.

Some
of the latter must have shown on my face, because Caroline squeezed my arm with
comfort.

“He
comes to these parties once a while, but not often.” Of course, she thought I
was worried about seeing him because he’d been Ella’s best friend, her
co-conspirator. She had no idea what had happened between us that final night,
what we’d finally given in to... and what had happened as a result.

I
wasn’t about to tell her, so instead I forced myself to smile. Slamming back
the rest of my drink, I gestured to the dance floor.

“Let’s
dance!”

Caroline’s
face showed a flicker of surprise, but it quickly melted into fun.

“Let’s
do it.” Chugging the remains of her own drink, she took the hand I offered her
and let me lead her onto the dance floor. As we found a spot amongst the knots
of people, as the bass of the song made the soles of my spiky heels vibrate,
relief was a potent drug, dripping bit by bit into my veins.

I
was reminded of why Caroline and I had become friends in the first place,
though on paper it seemed she would have been a better match with Ella.

She’d
always just accepted me at face value. If I wanted to hang out in my room and
study in my free time, she didn’t see anything wrong with that. If I needed to
run away to a college on the opposite side of the country, well, she’d keep in
touch with text messages and dirty e-mail forwards.

If
I wanted to wear a dress that no one in this town would have expected me to and
dance sexy to forget about my problems, well then, she’d just join in the fun.

We
danced through song after song, fast, slow, in between, stopping only to get
fresh drinks. Sweat made the clingy fabric of my dress catch on my skin, and
had my once silky curls plastering themselves to my cheeks, but I didn’t care.

As
I’d learned when I’d finally left this town, letting go of control could
sometimes just feel
good
.

“Uh-oh.”

I
had been swaying to a song by Bruno Mars, my arms in the air, when Caroline’s
voice filtered through. Opening my eyes, I saw her looking over my shoulder
with apprehension.

A
big hand was on my shoulder before I could ask her what was wrong. That hand pulled
me, spinning me around on my heels. With three vodka sevens in me, I lost my
balance, falling against the rock solid chest of the guy who had grabbed me.

The
scent of soap and something that was uniquely
him
combined in my nose
and told me who it was before my eyes actually took him in. My pulse quickened,
my heart beginning to beat double time, as I looked up and my vision confirmed
what I’d already known.

Thick,
dark gold hair that stood up in spikes all over his head. Eyes that couldn’t
quite decide if they were hazel or green. Chiselled features that were normally
set in inscrutable lines.

I
must have surprised him, because right now he looked like he’d seen a ghost.
His hands ran up and down my arms, feeling the flesh as if he wasn’t sure I was
real, and I shivered under the touch.

Could
it really be that he wasn’t appalled to find me back in town? The sparks that
I’d spent my time at college trying to dampen flickered, then burst back into
the roaring fire that I’d always felt around him.

“Ella?”
Those ever changing eyes narrowed and he cocked his head. I sucked in a breath
when he used my sister’s name. I saw the second that he realized his mistake,
but by then the pain had sliced through my veins.

“Out
of everyone,” I started, my voice shaking as I stepped away from his touch.
“Out of everyone who knew us both, I thought you would be able to tell us
apart.”

Emotion
that I couldn’t quite identify flickered over his face. I didn’t stick around
to figure out what it was. Spinning, I shoved through the crowd of people,
stumbling on the shoes that suddenly made my feet ache.

The
combination of too much vodka, emotions running high, and the shock of seeing
him again made me nauseous. I thought I might puke.

The
downstairs bathroom had a line that snaked down the hall.

I’d
only been here a few times, several years ago, but I remembered there was a
small bathroom off the bedroom upstairs. I knew Caroline wouldn’t care if I
used it, so I kicked off my shoes and, picking them up, hurried up the cheaply
tiled stairs.

“Shit.”
Clasping the edges of the porcelain sink in my hands, I bent over the basin and
sucked in deep mouthfuls of air. My heart was thundering in my chest, adding to
the sick sensation that threatened to smother me.

Dylan
McKay had looked at me and seen the ghost of my dead twin. What he didn’t know
was that he was
my
ghost, the mistake that would never stop haunting me.

The
mistake that didn’t ease the want.

Bracing
my weight on the sink, I looked into the mirror, cringing at what I saw. Sweat
had melted away my makeup, the charcoal around my eyes smeared in a way that
made me look manic. The shock of seeing Dylan had made me pale and sickly.

No
wonder he’d confused me for my sister. Still, after what had happened between
us, I’d expected... well, I wasn’t sure what I’d expected from Dylan.

More,
I guess. Or else nothing at all.

Sighing,
I splashed cold water on my face, then scrubbed with paper towel. With my skin
naked, I looked more like the Kaylee that the people of this town knew and
remembered.

Maybe
that was who I was destined to be. No matter how I fought it, it seemed like I
couldn’t ever escape the past.

Finger
combing my messy, sweat dampened curls, I pulled them back in a ponytail with
an elastic band that I found in the top drawer of the vanity. With it the
transformation was complete, even though I still wore the siren red dress.