Love Love (33 page)

It’s
day ten without Brad. The pain isn’t going away. If anything, it’s
getting worse. I have so much freaking work to do and don’t feel
like doing anything. I’m deleting messages without even listening
to them and I’m making sticky note puzzles on my desk.

Robby finally calls me into his office
and I panic. I’m afraid he’s on to me and I’m going to get fired.
When I walk in, he’s got his hands behind his head and his feet up
on his desk, looking the opposite of what I expected. “Gabby, sit
down, dahling, you look like you need a chair.” Then he pauses.
“What’s going on with you? You haven’t been yourself lately. Is
there anything I can do, sweetheart?”

“
No, thanks, Robby. I’ve
just got a lot going on right now.”

He nods sympathetically. “Yes, by a
lot going on you mean a guy, don’t you?”

“
Kind of.”

“
Gabby, honey. There’s
either a yes or a no, there’s no kind of.”

“
Yes.”

“
Well, let me know if you
there’s anything I can do. In the meantime, shake it off and get
that cute little head wrapped around my sticky notes.”

When I get back to my desk, I grab my
coffee, hoping it will revitalize me, and go to the lunch room to
heat it up, though hot or cold, it still tastes like shit. I plunk
back down in my chair and manage to make it through a good chunk of
Robby’s to-do list. I type reports all morning, which is pretty
mindless, so it gives me a much-needed break. At lunchtime, though,
thoughts of Brad are unavoidable. The receptionist arrives at my
cubicle with a dozen lavender tiger lilies that were delivered for
me, with a card attached.

Gabby,

I told you I’d give you
space, but I never said I wouldn’t fill your space with
flowers.

Brad

My heart swells. He’s thinking about
me. He hasn’t given up on me.

It’s hard not to stare at the flowers
throughout the day. They’re so damn happy. Just like Brad. They’re
also my favorite color. He remembered. The smell pervades my office
and makes it difficult to concentrate. What the hell? I couldn’t
concentrate anyway. Who am I fooling?

***

The
days march forward, and the flower deliveries keep coming. On day
two, yellow sunflowers. On day three, pink chrysanthemums. On day
four, red gerbera daisies. Every day there’s a new note and I have
to do everything in my power not to break down and call
Brad.

By the end of the week, it looks like
a botanical garden in here, and I can’t help but smile. At this
point, I’m nervously twiddling my fingers in anticipation of
today’s flower delivery, but it never comes. Instead, after lunch,
a kid in a baseball cap wearing a red cape stands beside my
cubicle, holding a cup with The Brew House logo on the side and a
bag of Twizzlers. I smile. Of course I smile. I wonder how much
Brad had to pay him to wear the cape.

By now, I’m prepared with tip money.
He hands me the cup and Twizzlers and waves goodbye. The cup holds
a piping hot Salted Caramel Mocha and the Twizzlers have an
envelope taped to the side.

Dear Gabby,

It’s been fifteen days of
no special coffee for you. I was afraid you might be going through
withdrawal. Although it can’t be nearly as bad as the withdrawal
I’m going through without you. I miss you, baby.

Brad

My heart hurts. I miss him so much I
can hardly stand it. There’s a part of me that wants to reach out
to him, but I’m so scared. I notice a longer note folded inside the
card; my hands shake a little as I open it.

Dear Gabby,

There are some things I
need to say to you. I didn’t want to put this in a letter, but
you’re leaving me no choice.

I know you’re scared. I’m
scared, too. I know you feel like everyone in your life has let you
down. People walk away from you just because, or they’re pulled
from your life unexpectedly. That’s not me, Gabby. I’m not walking
away from you. Ever. There’s no way that will happen. Do you want
to know why, Gabby? I’ve never felt this way before about anyone.
The moment I think about you, I smile. When you’re near me, I feel
calm. I can relax. I can be myself. I feel acceptance. You let me
be me. I know I’m crazy sometimes, but with you it’s okay. God,
Gabby, it’s so hard to put all this into words, because sometimes
there are no words. You’ve shined a light on me, exposed me, left
me bare. I’m not embarrassed, though, because I feel
free.

People have left me too,
Gabby. Important people. My mom, my sister, even my dad. The people
in my life that I trusted, that I thought would be there for me
always. Family isn’t supposed to do that, right? So, I get it. I
know what you’re feeling. I want to prove to you that I’m
different, if you’ll let me. I’m not like everyone else in your
life. I accept you, Gabby. I’ll never judge you and I don’t expect
you to be anything you’re not. Just be you. That’s all I want.
That’s all I’ll ever want.

I want you to be happy,
truly happy. I thought being with me made you happy. I know you
make me happy. A sense of contentment washes over me when I’m when
you. You arouse all of my senses. You make things real for me. You
see me in a way no one else has, or has ever wanted to. It’s almost
like you opened up a window that I’ve been banging against for so
long…screaming and clawing and trying to get out. Yet, that day you
walked into my shop, you simply opened the latch and I poured out.
Every bit of my heart and soul was exposed. I wasn’t scared. I’m
not scared with you.

I know I’m asking you to
take a chance and trust me, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it.
We’re worth it. The possibilities are endless when we’re together,
Gabby. I feel it, and I know you do, too. Please don’t let your
fear and your guilt overwhelm how you feel when we’re together.
Give me the chance to show you I’m not like everyone else. I care
about you so much.

Even though I feel like
I’m breaking apart inside right now, I’ll continue to give you
space. I’m not giving up on you, though. I won’t give up when I’ve
found the one person who truly makes me feel like a superhero. You
make me feel like I can leap tall buildings, like I can take on
anything that life throws my way. I feel invincible as long as
you’re by my side.

Please don’t give up on
us. Think about me. Because I’ll be thinking about you.

Love,

Brad

Fran comes into my room later that
night with anxious eyes. “More flowers today?”

“
No. Coffee, Twizzlers, and
a letter.”

“
What did it say?” She
holds her hand out for the letter and I rifle through my purse to
find it. As she reads it, she shakes her head.

“
What, Fran?” I don’t know
why I’m asking, I already know what she’s going to say.

“
What do you mean, what?!
He’s fucking crazy about you, Gabby. For the love of God, get your
head out of your ass and tell him you feel the same
way.”

“
It’s not that simple,
Fran.”

“
Bullshit, Gabby. It is.”
She tosses the letter at me and gives me an encouraging pat on the
back. “It’s simple if you just let go.”

After Fran leaves, I lay in bed,
exhausted and craving sleep. My brain is wide awake, though, filled
with jumbled thoughts. I feel my insides crumbling and my walls
along with them. It’s getting harder to keep them up. Brad’s making
it very difficult for me. He just won’t give up. There’s a part of
me, deep down, that doesn’t want him to. So many other people in my
life have given up, and I realize now that it scares me most to
think that he might, too. All my life, I’ve wanted someone to
accept me and when I finally find another someone who does, I push
him away. Yet, he keeps coming back. How can I not try to trust
him, the way he’s trusted me? I want to, I really do, but the fear
is overwhelming. I close my eyes to find relief and am drawn into
sleep.

I see him. Clark. He’s
surrounded by the glow of a beautiful white light. The brightness
of it blinds my eyes. I keep walking until I reach the edge of the
light. I can go no further, something stops me from crossing into
the light. He stops me. He doesn’t say anything, though. He just
looks down at the ground. This is my chance to tell him. I need to
tell him. The tears are welling up in my eyes, but I can’t let that
stop me. I take a deep breath.

“
I miss you so much,
Clark. It’s so hard to believe you’re not here anymore. Everywhere
I go, I hear your voice, I smell you, I feel your touch. I long to
see you, to talk with you, to hold you again. I miss the way you
held my hand when we walked on the beach. The way you laughed when
you got really nervous. The way you kissed me and held onto me like
I was the air you needed to breathe. The way the world fell away
when you looked at me. The way you could heal me with a simple
touch, a glance, a smile. I loved you, Clark. I’ll always love you,
and I promise I’ll never forget you. You’ll always hold a special
place in my heart.”

He finally lifts his eyes
to me, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks, falling away
into the surrounding light. “I loved you, Gabby, so much. You were
the light that brightened my life, my heart, my soul. Your spirit
wrapped around me and warmed me. I thought we’d be together
forever, but God had other plans for me. I’m just grateful that you
weren’t in the car with me that night. You’re alive. Go live your
life. Let yourself feel. Be happy. Let yourself love. Find someone
who will hold your heart.

You’re with me, Gabby, in
my heart. Your love surrounds me always. And someday, when you’ve
seen an endless array of those sunsets that you love so much, I’ll
see you again.”

He blows me a kiss, turns
to the luminous white light, and is swept away.

A knock awakens me. Fran cracks the
door open and sees the tears streaming down my cheeks. She sits
next to me on the bed, holding my hand lovingly and then pressing
it to her cheek.

With a shaky voice, I say, “I saw
Clark. He seemed so real. I told him how much I loved him, and I
said goodbye. I loved him so much, Fran.”

“
I know you did, sweetie,
and he loved you.” She kisses my hand and smoothes my
hair.

“
But I miss Brad. I miss
him so much it hurts. I…I love him, Fran. I love Brad.”

“
I know.”

***