Love Love (32 page)

When he opens the door and I see his
face, I almost lose it. He pulls me close and for a second I tell
myself everything will be okay. But I know that’s a lie.

Brad kisses me tenderly. “I missed
you, baby.”

I pull back and stare into those
penetrating brown eyes, my brain running wild, my heart beating
crazily against my chest. Sweat drips from my brow and I’m afraid I
can’t do this. I have to do this. How did I even let this happen?
Everything was perfect in my controlled little world, even though
somewhere deep inside I was imploding, my organs stretching until I
couldn't breathe. I didn't even realize how numb I was until Brad
came along. He brought it all to the surface and I just want to
stuff it back down. It's easier not to feel; feeling leaves you
vulnerable to so much pain.

He strokes my hair gently. Lovingly.
“You look like you've been crying. What's wrong, baby? Talk to me.
Is Fran okay?”

“
She’s okay,” I mumble.
“Kyle’s with her.”

“
That’s good,” he says,
sighing into my hair.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I have to do
this. I couldn’t bear it if he ever left me. I have to walk away
before he does. Taking Brad’s hand, I lead him over to the
couch.

All the color drains from his
face.

The tears are threatening now and my
breath is coming fast. “Brad, I think we need some space.” His eyes
go wide, but I continue. “You’re…well, you’re amazing and wonderful
and witty. You’re kind and sweet. You make me smile.”

He interrupts me, holding his hand up.
“Stop. Don’t do this.”

“
Let me talk, Brad.” I rush
the words out as fast as I can. “I’ve never felt so much before.
For a long time, I shut off my feelings because it hurt too much.
Somehow, you found your way into my heart. But…”

“
Gabby. I don’t want space.
You don’t know what you’re saying. I want
you
. I…I care about you so
much.”

I look down at my hands, the pain
filling his eyes too much to bear.

Brad lifts my chin to his, not letting
me break eye contact. His hands cradle my face. “How can you think
this will be better for me, Gabby? Better for us? You’re the best
thing that’s ever happened to me. I know what you’re doing. You’re
not giving me space, you’re walking away! Damnit, Gabby, I’m not
going to let you walk out of my life. You don't freaking get it! I
was dead inside before I met you. You awakened something in me, and
if you think I'm letting you walk out of my life, you're more
insane than I am. If you want space, I’ll give you that, but I’m
gonna fight like hell for you. With every breath that I have, I'll
fight for you.”

I push him away and stand up, trying
to put some distance between us. “Brad. Just stop. You have to
listen to me.”

“
No, I don’t. You listen to
me now,” he demands, moving towards me. He rakes his hands through
his hair and begins pacing the blue shag with heavy feet. “I get
it. I really do. I know you’ve pushed away feeling for so long. You
want to stay numb; it’s easier that way. That’s how I was, too.
First after my mom, and then Clara, I shut down and wouldn’t let
anybody in. Then, one day, I woke up and realized that they
wouldn’t want me to die inside. They’d want me to be happy. They’d
want me to live. So I honor their memories by living, by being
happy.

“
It’s not that…” But he’s
right, it is.

He stops pacing and grabs my hands in
his. “I know you miss Clark. But he wouldn’t want you to shut down,
Gabby. He’d want you to live your life, to find happiness
again.”

I choke back my anger and
twist my body away from him. I don’t want him to see me. “No, Brad,
I don’t know what he wants, because he’s
dead
!”

A shocked look overtakes Brad’s face.
I might as well have slapped him.

Teardrops continue to crash to the
floor and break apart, just like my heart. I want to run. I want to
hide. Mostly, I want to scream. I want to scream at all the people
who’ve ever hurt me. I want to yell at my parents, who always
expected me to be something I'm not; for not loving me,
unconditionally, no matter my choices. I want to yell at my sister
for not being there for me, not loving me enough. But mostly, I
want to scream at Clark for leaving me that night, for not taking
me with him.

Brad grabs my arm and spins me around,
tears rolling silently down his cheeks. “Gabby, please don’t do
this. I can’t bear the thought of being without you. You’re too
important to me. I need you so much.”

“
Let me go, Brad. You have
to let me go!”

There’s only one other person I’ve
felt this way about in my entire life. Now, the thought of not
being with Brad makes me want to curl up in a little ball in a
corner and just stay there. With one touch, with one word, with one
breath, he can unravel me. I've worked so hard up to this point not
to let anyone get too close to me. Tears are falling down my shirt
and soaking the carpet. I hold on to Brad so I can imprint him in
my memory, then I pull away. The door is inches from me now. All I
have to do is walk through it. I can do this. The carpet moves
beneath my feet and the door creaks open.

“
Damnit, Gabby. Don’t
fucking do this! You can’t do this!”

I take one enormous breath, and
without so much as a look back, walk over the threshold. The door
closes, and just like that my heart slams against my chest and I
know I’ll never be the same. I hear a loud crashing sound and the
echo of shattered glass; it mimics my heart.

I stumble with shaky legs down the
hallway and out to the street, a burst of cool air smacking me in
the face. I need Fran. Frantically, I dig through the clutter in my
purse and pull out my phone. It’s ringing, and I’m silently praying
she’s there.

Thankfully, she picks up, her usual,
perky self. “Hey, sweetie!”

A sob betrays me. “Fran, are you at
home? I really need you.”

“
Gabby, what is it? Why are
you crying? What happened, honey?”

The tears come, but the words
don’t.

With a fierce resolve, Fran says, “I’m
here, honey. Kyle just left. I’m not going anywhere.”

My trembling legs barely carry me to
the subway. I feel eyes all over me as tears crawl down my
mascara-smeared cheeks, and I’m silently telling them all to fuck
off. Squeezing my eyes shut, I suck into myself and pray that no
one touches me. Tonight, I won’t be responsible for my
actions.

When Fran opens the door to and sees
my face, she says nothing, just pulls me forward and holds me while
I sob in her arms. We stand there for several minutes until the
tears subside. She takes my hand and leads me to her bedroom, then
sits me down and removes my shoes. After fluffing up her pillow,
she pulls the duvet over me. Kneeling on the bed next to me, she
takes my hand in hers. “Talk to me, Gabby. Tell me what
happened.”

“
I broke Brad’s heart,
that’s what happened. I told him I needed space. But I’m really
letting him go.”

With concern in her voice, she sighs,
“Oh, Gabby.” She strokes my hair. “Why would you do that, honey? I
know how much you care about him, and you’d have to be blind to not
see how much he cares about you. You’ve finally opened up, Gabby. I
haven’t seen you like this since Clark. Is that what this is about?
Because he’s not Clark, Gabby. He’s not going anywhere.”

“
I know he cares about me.
Right now, anyway. But ultimately, I’ll end up disappointing him
like I do everyone else in my life. I don’t deserve to be happy,
Fran, not while Clark’s laying in the ground.”

Fran takes a deep breath. “Gabby,
listen to me. I know you’ve been hurt. I know the people you loved
the most in your life let you down. I know, deep down, you feel
that if they loved you enough, they wouldn’t have walked away from
you. I know your family has made you feel that you’re not worthy of
love. But let me fucking tell you something, Gabrielle Willis. If
there’s anyone on this earth who deserves to be loved, and loved
hard, it’s you. You’re my best friend, and one of the most amazing
people I’ve ever met. The way you live your life, the way you
appreciate everything, is admirable. You’re such a giving person
and you appreciate it all, the good and the bad. You know it has
value in your life. Life’s lessons, you always tell me. You take
those lessons and turn them into something positive. I love that
about you. I’m not the only one, Gabby. It’s impossible not to love
you.”

I bury my face in the comforter,
smearing my tears all over it. “I just can’t do this, Fran. I don’t
have the strength.”

Fran’s voice becomes stern. “Now you
listen to me. Brad’s not your family, Gabby. He’s not. I know
you’re scared. I know you think he’ll end up being just like them,
or that you’ll lose him. Clark loved you, Gabby, and he would’ve
wanted you to go on with your life, to be happy.”

“
I was supposed to be happy
with him, Fran. I thought we were meant to be.”

“
I know, sweetie. But none
of us know what life has in store for us, or how much time we have.
Life is a risk, and you have to take risks if you’re ever going to
have a chance at happiness. I want you to be happy. I’ve seen the
way you are with Brad; he makes you happy. Take a chance. What’s
the worst thing that can happen? I know you’re worried about
getting hurt. But isn’t there also a chance that you’ll end up
experiencing the happiness you’ve been searching for, for so long?
Regardless of what happens, Gabby, I’ll be here for you. I’ll
always be here for you.”

Fran’s words swirl around in my head.
“I just don’t know if I can, Fran. I just don’t know if I can get
past the fear.”

We sit in silence as Fran wipes the
last of the tears from my face. In the comfort of her bed, I fall
into a restless sleep, haunted by soft brown eyes, pain, and
overwhelming disappointment.

***

The
days drag on but, before I know it, another week is over. It’s been
seven whole days and I haven’t heard from Brad at all. Why would I?
I told him I needed space. He’s just doing what I asked. I force
myself to go back to Starbucks so I don’t have to see him. I can’t
even share with him that I went to the information meeting and
actually applied to Parsons for next year. Concentrating is so much
harder than I thought. Everything in my being craves him. I miss
his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his dimple. I miss that
adorable wink he always gave me when I walked into his shop. I miss
his touch. The way he made my skin shiver and my heart skip a beat.
I miss
him
. I
recognize this longing. It’s all too familiar. It hurts. It
physically hurts.

When I get home, Fran is waiting for
me with compassion in her eyes. “Hey sweetie, how are
you?”

I walk over to the sofa and fall
backwards with a thump. “I’m okay, Fran.”

She comes over and takes a seat next
to me, resting her hand on my thigh. “I saw Brad at the coffee shop
today.”

The sound of his name makes me lose my
breath. Is he okay? Does he miss me? The question looming in my
head makes its way out. “How is he?” I ask in a hoarse
whisper.

“
He asked about you. And
Gabby? He looks miserable.”

Fran doesn’t leave my side all weekend
except to buy me some of my favorite things. She holds up an
overstuffed grocery bag and a handful of DVDs. “I’ve got Twizzlers,
Swedish Fish, Hershey’s Kisses, and a couple of chick
flicks.”

No matter how many Twizzlers or
Swedish Fish I eat, I can’t stop thinking about Brad.

“
Oh, and I almost forgot, I
picked up your favorite ice cream.”

When she pulls out Liana’s Double
Chocolate Brownie, I practically lose it.

***