Lost in Us (6 page)

“I’m not going anywhere.” I hate that I’ve said those words because I don’t believe them and neither does she by the look in her eyes. I let go of her hand and place my arm on her shoulder, pulling her as close as she can get without hurting her on the armrest. I kiss her hair and hold my lips there as I fight the rage that’s starting to build. I don’t want to hurt Jessica and I don’t want her to leave, but I want to know what the hell Hadley’s up to.

I
want to be in the fairytale, the one where birds chirp when I wake telling me that today is going to be a good day. I want my Prince Charming to find me in the garden and profess his love to me. I want the happily ever after. I know it’s silly to even think like that, but I can’t help it. Love surrounds me every day and more so since I’ve been in Boston; whether it’s the songs I’m writing or watching the people walk hand in hand, clearly in love, in Faneuil Hall. It’s been three days since I ditched out on my tour and today it’s in the headlines. “Hadley Carter Sidelined by Exhaustion.” It’s better than what I thought it would be: “Hadley Carter dumped by her Long-term Boyfriend for Baseball Royalty.” I’m still not convinced that the truth won’t come out and everyone will know I’m in Boston, where Ryan is openly public with his new girlfriend. My favorite ragtime,
TMZ,
will undoubtedly follow me around, and Ryan’s life will be under the microscope. They live to tear me down.

Today’s the day that I work to get him back. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that, but it has to start today. I can’t continue to sit by while his heart becomes lost to another. I’m not looking to cause problems, but love makes you do stupid things. He said we could be friends, and that’s something we’ve never really been. For us, that’s a good place to start. I just don’t know what friends should do together, especially those that have been lovers. How am I going to make it through the day without touching him or resting my head on his shoulder? Neither of those will be easy, but I’m going to have to try.

Standing in front of my mirror with my hands down at my sides, I surmise that being in Boston is good for me. My skin looks clearer, and I have fewer bags under my eyes. The clothing style is different, more posh I guess you’d say. I’ve met some amazing people while I’ve toured the city and have found that I love a true Boston accent. I’m not trying to hide who I am here; there’s no need. After today, every fan will know that I’ve taken up residence here, at least for the time being, and I’m not going to shy away from them. Although, from what I’m being told from locals, they don’t give a ‘pissah’ who you are. They’re already making me feel at home.

The soft knock on the door to my hotel room sends my heart into a frenzy. With one last look, I put on my happy face knowing that today’s the fresh start we need, even if Ryan doesn’t think we do.

I open the door quickly, hoping that I don’t come off too eager. “Hi,” I say breathlessly, as if I’ve run up a few flights of stairs to get to him. I feel that way now that he’s standing in front of me with a dark polo shirt on, the sleeves rolled a few times to accentuate his biceps. Thinking back over the years from when I first met him, his transformation into a man has been a sight to behold. Most of it happened after we broke up the first time, but watching him keep up his physique has been a definite perk of being with him, a perk that I’ve missed and didn’t realize how much until right now.

“Do you want to come in?” I move aside, pulling the door open, but he stands there with his hands in his pockets. My lips go into a thin line at the realization that he probably doesn’t want to be here. He’s just appeasing me. I’m going to have to work a lot harder than I thought at winning him back if he’s even available to be won. He may be done with me, and if that’s the case, I don’t blame him.

“I’ll just get my stuff,” I say, without making eye contact. I don’t want him to be any more uncomfortable than he already is. I stall briefly, before picking up my bag and sunglasses. When I turn, he’s still standing there like a statue. The better part of me wants to call off this date, but I have to try and see if he still feels the same way about me that I do him. One date, it’s all I’m asking for.

“Are you ready?” He nods and sticks out his arm for me to take, just like he used to when we were together. The familiarity isn’t lost on me, and I know better than to let the hope soar. This is going to be hard. I don’t want him to do anything that compromises who he is or his job, but I’ll be damned if I’m not taking his proffered arm.

We ride the elevator in silence. A few other hotel guests step on, take one look and start messing around on their phones. One can assume they’re looking me up to confirm what they’re minds are telling them. By the time they figure it out, hopefully we’ll be out of this metal box and on our way. No one really chases you down unless they’re looking for some dirty secrets.

“This is different,” he says, as soon as we walk around the corner from the elevator exit. Light bulbs flash and questions are thrown at us. “Who was the woman you were with last night, Ryan?” “Is he cheating on you, Hadley?” “When did you call off your engagement?”

The last question causes me to falter in my steps, but Ryan keeps us walking. We’ve experienced this type of paparazzi onslaught when we first got together and shortly after my uncle Ian leaked a story about me chasing Ryan while he was still a minor. Bumps in the road, he called them. Except now we’re in a ditch, and we’ll need a ladder to get out.

As soon as we’re outside, he’s opening his car door for me.
His car door
. I run my hand over the soft leather and close my eyes to will away the tears of a milestone I missed. I look out the front window the moment he slides in next to me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, immediately.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Hadley.” He turns my chin so that I’m facing him. His eyes, the ones I fell so deeply in love with, are greener today than blue. I learned over the years that the color often changed depending on his mood or his clothing. Today, I’m not sure which is making the change for him. The thing about Ryan is that he can read me like an open book. I should be thankful, except I’m trying to keep my emotions in check. I’m hurt, angry and stupid, and I feel like I’m chasing after someone who is standing still just out of my grasp with each step I take.

“You bought a car, and I wasn’t here to see it. I feel incredibly lost and stupid right now,” I blurt out and watch his eyes widen at my mini tirade.

He leans back in his seat and shakes his head. “I didn’t buy this car. I rented it for the day so you didn’t have to walk.” He runs his hand through his hair before looking at me. “I’m lost too, Hadley. Since you showed up, I’m not sure what to think anymore. My head is spinning, and my thoughts are racing a mile a minute, but you’re far from stupid.” He leans forward, his lips puckered. My body sighs when his lips press against my forehead. He doesn’t pull away at first, and I take that as a sign.

“I wouldn’t mind walking,” I put that out there, letting him know that I’m going to be as flexible as I can be.

“Where I want to take you is pretty far.” He pulls away and starts the car. When he pulls out into traffic I look behind to see if any of the paparazzi are following us. Thing is, I wouldn’t know. We sat long enough in the car to give them an opportunity to. I just hope they don’t rain on my parade. I just want one day.

I
want to kick my own ass. For days, I’ve been avoiding Hadley, and everything seemed to be working in my favor. Phone calls went unreturned, and text messages were replied with only a word or two. I wasn’t going to give her any room to weasel her way back into my life. A life, mind you, that I’m trying to rebuild. A life in which, I have a girlfriend.

My girlfriend, Jessica, is a sweet, beautiful and completely understanding woman, and she showed up at my apartment last night looking so forlorn. Letting her in was a mistake. Not because I don’t love her but because of what she said and did. When she sat down, she opened her bag and poured almost every magazine cover featuring Hadley and me on my coffee table. I sat across from her, looking at the stockpile wondering what in the hell she was thinking. When she explained to me that for the past few days she has been researching us, against her better judgment, she came to the conclusion that Hadley and I have unresolved feelings that need to be taken care of before Jessica and I can move on to the next step in our relationship. I balked. She walked out, leaving all the magazines lying haphazardly in front of me, reminding me of a past I’m finding hard to forget.