Lost in Us (9 page)

I stand and walk over to my window, looking out over the street. It’s lined with cars; people are home for the weekend. There has to be something downtown that we can visit and be tourists together. I pull out my phone and call Hadley.

“Hey.”

“Want to be a tourist today?”

She giggles. “I am a tourist right now.”

“Meet me downtown in fifteen minutes. We’re going to go on the duck boat.” I don’t give her a chance to respond before hanging up. If we’re going to work, I need her to love Boston as much as I do.

T
oday should be one of the happiest days of my life. It’s a slight exaggeration but it’s supposed to be important, nonetheless. When Ryan called and asked me to be a tourist, I had far greater expectations than sitting in a public restroom puking my guts out. Who knew I got seasick? Definitely not Ryan or he wouldn’t have suggested this godforsaken duck tour.

We kissed the other night at the ballgame, but I’m not sure he meant to. Call it the heat of the moment, in the action and whatnot. His demeanor toward me has been lukewarm at best, and I know he’s just simply appeasing me until I decide to return to New York or restart my tour. He knows me too well.

I rinse my mouth with the tepid water from the faucet and drag myself out of the restroom. Ryan is standing against a tree, his legs crossed at his ankles and he’s looking at his phone. I’ve told myself that I can’t be jealous of his girlfriend. I put him in that situation, and it’s something I have to accept. I’m just incredibly thankful that he wants to spend time with me. I don’t deserve it.

My steps are staggered, and I feel like I’ve been run over by a diesel truck minus the tire treads. Ryan looks up and pockets his phone, his smile bright and welcoming. I wish that alone were enough to ease my stomach.

“Are you feeling okay? You look a little green.”

I shake my head but have to stop and close my eyes to keep my equilibrium intact. “As much as I want to be here, Ryan, I need to go back to my hotel.”

“Okay, let’s get a cab.” Ryan places his arm around me, and I mold to his side, resting my head between his shoulder and chest. I’ve missed this and hate knowing he’s only doing it because I’m sick. Once we’re inside, he pulls me to him. I’m fighting the hope that’s building that this means more than it does, but my heart is screaming at me to accept it, to run with it. Sadly, if I did that I’d probably get five steps away before he cuts me off or reminds me that he has a girlfriend.

I close my eyes for the duration of the cab ride. The stop-and-go motion isn’t helping my queasiness at all. The driver comes to a screeching halt making me so thankful that we’re out of this metal contraption. Now only an elevator ride and I’m home free.

“I’ll pay you back for the cab ride,” I mumble as we walk through the lobby. It hasn’t escaped my notice that the paparazzi haven’t been around today. Maybe someone more famous is in town, garnering all their attention. Whatever it may be, I’m thankful that I’m not being caught looking the way I do.

Ryan rifles through my purse to find my hotel key while I stand against the wall with my hands on my knees, bent at the waist. To say I’m pissed at myself would be an understatement. He calls to take me out and this happens. I know our days together are probably few and far between, and I need to make the most of the days that he’s offering. Today was a total fail.

“Let’s get you into bed.” Ryan picks me up and cradles me to his chest, kicking the door shut behind us. Any other time, I’d say this is romantic. I’m just grateful that I don’t have to walk.

“I need some water.”

“I’ll get it for you, don’t worry. I won’t leave you.” I pretend that his words aren’t phasing me, but the truth is that my heart is now beating so fast I’m sure he can hear it. He sets me down gently on the bed and quickly works to remove my shoes.

“Where are your pajamas?”

“In the bathroom, I’ll get them,” I say, attempting to stand. I have to hang onto the bed, but I’m determined to make it there before him.

“I’ll do it, Hadley, just lie down.” Ryan sidesteps me and beats me to the bathroom. I accept the inevitable and sit down. When he comes out, he’s holding his t-shirt and boxers. I try to smile, but it turns more into a smirk.

“I missed you; they made me feel close to you.” I shrug. Ryan’s grin is small, but I see it. I try not to see too much in that smile and just relish in the fact that he’s here, helping me out. He could’ve bailed by now.

“Um… I’ll just let you change.”

I nod, remembering the last time I was sick he did everything for me. We even soaked in our garden tub until the water ran cold. Not this time though. I sigh when the bedroom door clicks leaving me surrounded by silence. I hate the quiet. I change as quickly as my body allows me to move. I’m feeling better than I was, but still very queasy.

Ryan knocks just as I slip his t-shirt over my head. “Come in.”

The door opens and Ryan steps in with a tray of food. I look at him questioningly. “Where did you get that?”

“Room service.”

“I’m aware of that, but they’re never this fast.”

“I ordered it online. It’s just soup and some toast, nothing much until we know you can keep it down,” he says, walking over to my nightstand and positioning the tray so it doesn’t fall. “In you go.” Ryan pulls back my comforter and holds out his hand.

Reluctantly, I put my hand in his, but stall. “This is not how I wanted our day to be,” I say with nothing but melancholy in my voice. This is absolutely the worst date ever. Ryan arranges my pillows so I can sit up and tucks the blankets in around me. He’s acting like a father. I suppose that’s all I’m going to get because I don’t deserve any more.

Ryan sits next to me and hands me my cup of soup. I don’t want to do this with him. Not like this.

“You can go, Ryan. I can manage. I’ve been doing it for a year now.” The second the words are out of my mouth I’m looking away. I chance a look at him and see indifference.

“You can’t do this alone, and that’s not why I’m here.”

“Yes, I can,” I stick out my chin in defiance.

“No, you can’t,” he says, turning to face me. “For the past five years I’ve been there and when I wasn’t, you had Alex. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but when you think about it, you don’t do anything by yourself.”

I roll my eyes. “That’s not true. I went sightseeing the other day.”

“That’s good. You should get out and see Boston. I love it here, and I’d love it…” Ryan shakes his head.

“What were you going to say?”

“Nothing. Please eat.” He motions to the soup sitting in front of me. As much as I don’t want to, I take a sip and let the warm broth cure my ailment. Ryan sits on the edge of my bed, his arms resting on his knees. I hate that he’s not looking at me, but I did that. Once again, I’ve screwed things up.

“I’m sorry, Ryan.”

Ryan sits up and rubs his hands on his shorts. “Don’t be sorry for something you meant. We broke up, Hadley, and now here we are. Things are awkward and feelings are in the way. We left a lot of stuff unsaid and if we want to get past this, we need to talk it out.” Ryan stands, walking over to the wall and leaning against it.

“I love you, Hadley. I have for a long time, but when you put your career in front of us, something had to give. I know you can probably say the same thing about me, but I refuse to be a kept man. I don’t like the way it feels. I want to work and provide a home. I don’t want a wife who is doing it all while I sit around and watch TV. That’s not me.

“I asked you to marry me and every time a date was set, it changed because of a tour or a new album. It was always something, and I couldn’t live like that. I
can’t
live like that. I accepted your job from day one, that’s never been a problem. What I can’t accept is a wife who is never home, who goes on year-long tours and expects to raise children on a tour bus.”

Tears fall as Ryan finishes telling me everything that he wants. There’s nothing to dispute; he’s right about everything. I just didn’t know he was right until it was too late. It took the birth of Alex and Cole’s daughter to open my eyes. Seeing my best friend with her baby really made me stop and think.

Ryan clears his throat. “I know I said I didn’t want children right now, but since Dylan had her daughter, I think I’ve changed my mind. No, I know I have, but I can’t do that with you unless you’re willing to stop touring so much. It’s the tours that kill me, Hadley, not the music. Not the paparazzi or your recording schedule. It’s the tours that take eight months or over a year. You’re Hadley Carter, America’s Pop Princess – give America a break and stay home, enjoy life. No one is going to fault you for wanting to settle down. They’ll all still be there.”

“I understand,” I mumble through my tears. Ryan steps forward and kisses my forehead.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

With that, he walks out of my room. I sob the moment the door to my hotel room shuts because I’m not so sure he’ll call tomorrow or if I’ll ever see him again.