Lost Energy (19 page)

Nothing felt better than the
unconditional, and Farren gave that in spades.

I'd follow him to the end of
forever if his big ginger ass asked me to.

PAIN

C
onfronting Tarek. A part of me
relished blasting him for lying. At least holding back the truth, which was
still lying in my book. Another part dreaded it.

I loved him.

With every breath, I loved him.

But how could he have loved the
cold-hearted version of me? The version who didn't care who she hurt in order
to achieve what she thought the greater good. When he met us at the door, the
urge to slap him in the face surprised me so much I had to dig my nails into my
thighs.

His relieved smile turned into a
frown. "What happened?"

My face
felt
swollen from
all the damn crying, and so I'm sure it looked ten times worse. My heart wanted
to rip into tiny pieces, but I wouldn't let the tears fall. "We need to
talk."

He tried to pull me into his arms,
and I stepped to avoid him. "Lena?"

Farren cleared his throat. "I…ah…I'm
going in, explain things to everyone."

Neither one of us bothered to watch
him disappear into the castle. As soon as Farren left, though, Tarek took a
step forward. He didn't try to touch me this time. "What's changed, love?"

The cold ate through my clothes and
attacked my skin. "Let's go inside first, somewhere private."

"The cabin's private." He
stalked by me and headed down the icy path.

"No. Here." I didn't
yell. I didn't have to.

He turned to face me, and the sky
darkened to a deep gray, almost black as the air turned frigid. "Okay?"
He stepped closer. "You're killing me here."

"Tell me about Kendal."

At least the despair left his face,
replaced with surprise, which made not touching him easier. "What?"

I wrapped my arms around my middle
to hold in the heat and agony. "She an evil plotter? Some kind of sociopath?"

He laughed a little and took
another step forward. "Well…no, but…what are you trying to say?"

"Her energy. Does it feel bad,
or…or…I dunno marred in some way? Hard to keep inside?"

Please say yes, please say yes….

He stopped and bowed his head. "She…
No, her energy is pure."

The ice needed to break, suck me
in, and take me away from the pain splitting my chest. "And Mateusz?"

"Lena–"

"Answer me."

"This is crazy." He
looked up as the sky turned black and the temperature made the tip of my nose
numb.

"Answer the question, Tarek."

"Whatever you heard, don't be–"

"Answer!"

He straightened his back. The black
sky opened and hail punched the ground. "No."

I couldn't look at him anymore, the
desire to smack him in the face too strong. I muscled the door open and stormed
through the rooms, including the one with all the people. My people. The ones
who knew me now, loved me.

Me.

I didn't confront Tarek there. With
everything going on, the last thing my family needed was to doubt our success.
Mom yelled for me, but I threw up a hand and shook my head, going for the
stairs. Tarek followed, the only indication of his rage the angry fire leaping
from the hearth and the ice storm ricocheting off the castle walls, the sound traveling
all the way into the room.

I didn't stop until the third
landing, going left until spotting the first open door. The room's smell made
my roiling stomach twist and flip like mad, the stench of molded straw and
stagnant water making me gag. Who knew how old these beds were. Centuries? Rotting
fabrics covering them indicated as much. Ancients, the ones who lived here,
thrived here, until Exemplar snuffed out their entire existence.

Anguish and decay doubled me over,
dry heaves tightening my already fucked up insides. Tarek stormed in after me,
bending to hold my contorted body.

"Don't." I stumbled away,
tripping over my feet in the rush to the window. Windows here sucked, so small
and too high, leaving no way to escape.

"Lena, please, I'm begging
you. Tell me."

The stone, cold and slimy with
moisture, held me up. My fingertips ached as they dug in, my nails bending
backward. "Everything's a lie."

He kept silent, the ice storm loud
enough.

The tears won, racing down my
cheeks faster than I could brush them away. My voice skipped and jumped, but I
didn't give a shit anymore. "Did you know she was a monster?"

"Who?" His rich voice,
quiet and strained, floated into my ears.

I gripped the moldy stone tighter. "You
know who."

Silence filled the room, so dark
without the light from the gray sky. Only the reflection from the violet
forest, now deep purple, gave enough light to keep the room from total blackness.
Those pauses, the ones I missed and hated all at the same time, would end up
crushing me.

"She…she was…hardened. You
would've been too."

"You're defending her. Still."

"In her heart, she wanted to
right the wrongs. I…have to believe that. Kendal's actions threatened everybody."

"Stop defending her." The
rage creeping from my twisted gut, traveling up my throat, caused my voice to
shake.

"She was in so much pain, so
much anguish. What she did…I understand–"

"No!" Rage turned
apocalyptic, threatening to eat me whole, exploding from my lips. I turned to
him. His face, the one that haunted my dreams, became my reality, was now
foreign. "Stop it! Stop. Stop. Stop. No more! Don't defend her!"

"Please." His plea
stabbed my soul.

"She was selfish, cruel! No
one, nothing, was more important to her than accomplishing an impossible
mission. Not even you. But, you put her on this pedestal."

His eyes narrowed, and even in the
darkness, they glinted silver. Like steel, cold and unyielding. "She loved
me."

"Yeah?"
Oh, jealousy,
I hate you
. "Loved you so much she neglected to tell you about
anything she was doing?"

He pulled his hands behind his
back, the action triggering the hail. It began to push through the window. The
way his eyes turned to stone…never had he looked at me with such…hate.

His hate fueled the agony,
jealousy, and rage already exploding inside my heart. "I'm right, aren't
I? She didn't trust you with the cosmic secret. No, she trusted Avery–a Synod
member of all people. You meant nothing."

"You need to stop. Now."

"Or what? You gonna kill me?
Make me pay for her apathy." I rushed to him, pounding on his chest. "
I
love you.
I
trust you. But still, you think of her as some saint who
deserves to be put above everyone? Does she go above me, Tarek?"

He grabbed my wrists, his hold
gentle despite the torment on his face and maelstrom outside. "You two…she
is inside of you.
You
are
her
. Your love, passion, strength…they
aren't new. She didn't start as cold–they made her that way."

He might as well have stabbed me in
the heart. "I'm not her, and I never will be." I pulled my wrists
from his grip. "I thought you loved
me
. Looks like I thought wrong."

He didn't say a word.

"I can't even… Nothing, Tarek?
You got nothing to say?"

Yup, nothing.

A moan escaped my lips, the sound
of dying. I rushed to the door, the darkness filling me, suffocating me. Before
escaping down the stairs, I turned to face his back. "I'm leaving."

"It's not safe." He didn't
argue, though, or try to make me stay. He didn't turn around either.

I hated how I needed him to try to
make me stay.

"The others will be coming
soon, and my being here might upset them. You can thank your wife, or whatever
the hell she is to you, for that." I waited for a reply, anything from him
to show I was wrong about how he felt.

He said nothing.

I wasn't wrong.

∞
∞ ∞

The stairs were an endless, dark
path leading me away from my heart. It lay on the stone floor of that bedroom,
broken and bloodied with Tarek's boot print.

When I managed to make it into the
bright room, the fire now tame, I fell. Just crumbled in the entrance. No more
tears came. Numbness attacking from my lips to toes prevented them.

He didn't follow.

Why didn't he follow?

Arms folded me in and the familiar
scent of roses filled my nose. Belva. I curled into her, holding on as though
letting go would suck me into an abyss. I couldn't hear what she said, my ears
refusing to work.

He didn't follow…

Mom's voice penetrated the numb
shell protecting me, her soothing words ripping and tearing. "I'm right
here, baby."

I looked up, meeting her eyes.
Tears hovered there, making them shine like jewels.

With her and Belva's help, I stood.
Jake rushed over, not bothering to wipe away the few tears leaking from his
eyes. He led me to the couch, shoving a water and granola bar in my hands.

"Thanks." I opened the
bottle and took a few sips. I even managed to have a couple bites of granola
before my stomach refused to take in anymore.

As I chewed, I found Farren
standing close, his face tortured. He said, "Call it. What next?"

I swallowed, the rough grains
scratching my throat.
What next?
Dying wasn't an option, leaving one
solution.

Fight.

"We leave. Now." I looked
to Jake. "Expect visitors, but don't approach any without Tarek. He'll
know who the enemy is and who isn't. I-I can't be around when they come.
Winston…he'll fill you all in." I nodded to Belva. "Be ready."

She nodded in return and said
nothing.

Jake's fists whitened and his lips
thinned. "What happened up there, Lena? What's wrong?"

"I can't… Just, please..."

"But–"

"Please." My voice didn't
sound like mine. Too hollow, to soft.

Jake breathed in, closed his eyes,
and nodded. "Okay, but...fine."

I found Farren again. "Take me
out of here."

"But Wilma hasn't–"

"I need to leave." Tears
blurred his face, and my numb coating cracked.

He nodded, his eyes sad, but he'd
never pity me. God, I loved him for that. "You got this, kid. You
got
this
."

I finished off the bottle and
handed it to Belva. She accepted with a smile, and whispered, "Farren told
me. He'll come around, Lena. Remember, you're his goddess."

No, he'd never see Old Lena as
anything else but a saint. In his eyes, at that moment, I was the enemy. In my
eyes, so was he. "Whether he does or doesn't isn't what we need to worry
about now." I stood, going to Farren. "Please, let's go."

Mom came over and hugged me, Belva
and Jake right behind her. "Be careful, baby."

I held her tight before turning to
hug the others. Jake had a hard time letting go. "I'll be okay."

He tucked my head under his chin,
next to his heart. "Don't get hurt." His voice always so strong,
sounded as delicate as paper.

"I'll do my best."

"Do better than that."

"Deal." I went to Farren.
"Ready?"

"One second." To everyone's
surprise, he stalked toward Belva. Without saying anything, he cupped her face
and kissed her. She laced her hands through his hair with a sob. When he pulled
away, he said, "When this is over…"

Belva smiled, her eyes shining. "I'll
be right here."

"Good." He turned back to
me. "Let's do this."

His red face and Belva's surprised
joy made my hurt a little easier to bear. But when Farren held my waist, I glanced
at the stairs. The pain reignited.