Lost Avalon: A Finding Nolan Novel (20 page)

             
“Oh, it’s a full moon, so yeah.” It was making me nuts how matter of fact he always was in his responses.

             
“Don’t even. Don’t make it sound like it’s so fucking obvious! It’s not.” I was walking through my house in the dark, headed nowhere in particular. I just hadn’t ever been good at sitting still. “Just tell me, did you find Doctor Rae through some Psychic Hotline?”

             
He laughed. “No asshole, she’s my aunt.  Well, my ex-aunt. By marriage. Whatever, she knows her shit. Just go with it.”

             
“So you want me to burn stuff, too?” I flipped on the lights and found myself standing right in front of my fireplace. Maybe they were onto something.

             
“Whatever floats your boat, man. Just keep that shit contained. Remember, I’m right next door. And I like all my stuff.”

             
I hung up and started to scan the room for things I might want to see go up in flames. At first everything fell into that category, then one by one I sorted them all back out. Burning stuff just wasn’t my thing. Music was.

             
So, I did what I did best and sat down at my piano. I played. I wrote. I sang.  For hours. Until everything coming out of me was somehow tied to Ava and the unbearable pain of losing her. It had been flooding in on me ever since the night she’d walked out, but I’d been quick to turn my back on it. Shut it out. Force myself to think of something meaningless like the fact that I was almost out of milk or how many push-ups I’d been able to do during my last work out. There was no facing Ava being gone. At least not until I was completely convinced that she wasn’t coming back. Because maybe by then I’d just be used to living without her already.

             
Sitting there, pounding my fingers into the piano’s innocent keys, there was no escaping the truth. I was fucking pissed. Pissed at Ava for leaving. Pissed at myself for pushing her that far. Pissed at my mother for killing herself and pissed at my father for pretending it didn’t happen. Most of all I was pissed that I’d let everything fuck me up so badly that in spite of having been able to live the most amazing life with the most spectacular woman right beside me the entire fucking way, there hadn’t been so much as a second of it that I’d truly enjoyed. Like I couldn’t let myself be happy for even a moment. Because I didn’t deserve it. Because I wasn’t of value. I wasn’t significant. I was shit. And the only people who didn’t know that were the ones who didn’t know
me
.

Chapter 17

S
even days in
and staying at my mother’s was getting me nowhere. I was stuck. And worst of all, I missed Blaise. It wasn’t like I never intended to speak to him again. Of course I would. Although somewhere along the way it had occurred to me that perhaps I was taking for granted the fact that he would still want to speak to me by the time I finally came around. I’d done my best to dismiss the thought, but I’d noticed it had an annoying habit of reappearing, as of late, at an increasing rate.

             
It wasn’t that I was still mad at him. It was more out of pride. Like I hadn’t proven that I could live life on my own terms yet. Well, that was bullshit, really. I wasn’t calling him because I was scared. Scared that he couldn’t really get better and that I’d spend the rest of my life in love with a man who hated himself so much I’d never be able to fix what he continued to destroy.

It had been one thing, standing on the sidelines, but things were different now. He had made them different. He had insisted on pulling me in and now I was no longer cleaning up the wreckage of the aftermath, I was standing in the eye of the storm. And I knew it could rip me to shreds at any given moment. That kind of knowledge didn’t exactly make you feel those pleasant tingly sensations you were supposed to get when thinking of your sweet new piece of man candy.

              Prepared to face another long day of doing absolutely nothing, I made my way down the stairs in search of coffee and something I could slap some Nutella on. When I reached the kitchen I was surprised to find Addison already sipping from a cup while digging through the pantry.

             
“Eda!” She practically yelled it. “Where the fuck is it? I know it’s here somewhere.”

             
I went for a mug and nodded toward the fridge. “Had to put it in there. Ants were getting in it.”

             
She dashed across the room to retrieve the hazelnut spread.

             
“What’s wrong with you? Are you getting your period or something? I mean, I love Nutella as much as the next girl, but you’re a bit frantic this morning, no?”

             
A look of shame washed over her as she sucked her finger clean of the chocolate. “I did something stupid last night.”

             
I’d barely had my first drink of coffee, but I was suddenly wide awake. Someone else doing something stupid would make for a nice change of pace. “What did you do?”

             
“Before I tell you, you have to promise not to get mad.”

             
Yeah right. “Nuh-uh.”

             
“I mean it, Eda. I can’t tell you unless I know you’ll keep your shit together.” She was going in to scoop out another finger full of Nutella. So much for having any for breakfast.

             
“Look, as long as you didn’t get arrested or kicked out of school, I’m not going to be pissed. Let’s face it. I’m in no position to pass judgment on anyone these days.” I opened a drawer and got a spoon. “Here. Eat that shit like a civilized person, would ya?”

             
Addison took the spoon, filled it and stuck it in her mouth. Then she mumbled, “I slept with my English professor.”

             
“I’m sorry, what now?” I hadn’t actually gone to college, but I was pretty sure that was not part of the curriculum.

             
“I went to see him after class to discuss my essay. It just sort of happened.” She quickly turned her back on me as she fled from the kitchen. Like the words wouldn’t be able to follow her from the room or something.

             
“Addy! That sort of thing does not sort of happen. Trust me. If it did, I would have had a lot more sex in the last five years.” Holy shit. Talk about an unpleasant realization. Why hadn’t I gotten laid more? Beside the point. I was getting off track.

             
“Yeah. Why haven’t you been seeing more action?” Clearly so was my sister.

             
“We are not discussing my sex life. We’re discussing yours. What is supposed to happen now? You just go back to class and act like nothing happened? How are you going to feel when he grades your next paper? Huh? Be a little hard not to wonder if he’s grading your English paper or last night’s performance, don’t you think?”

             
She made a face. “Well I hadn’t considered that until you said it! Thanks a lot, Eda!”

             
“Bottom line, Addy, sleeping with your professors is out. You want to hook up with chicks, sleep with the frat boys or bang your study buddy, knock yourself out. Just don’t fuck anyone who could end up fucking you, you dig?”

             
She nodded. “Got it.”

             
“Good. Now then, let’s go set you up with some quality tunes. The right music can guide you through life, you know?! I mean, a few choice lyrics and last night’s episode might never have happened.”

             
Addison followed me back up the stairs, Nutella still in hand. “Any chance you’re going to hook me up with that Angel poster we talked about? Because I’m thinking he could be all the guidance I need to keep me from sleeping with the wrong men.”

             
“Addy!”

             
“Just a thought.”

We spent the bulk of the morning goofing around and listening to every song I could think of that I deemed necessary for a proper music library. Then, when she took off to get to her afternoon classes, I wound up down in the living room channel surfing for the rest of the day.

It was late when I finally made my way back to my room, fully prepared to fall into bed and scratch off another day as completely wasted. Only as soon as I walked in I could tell something was off. Something was different. Or to be more accurate, something was suddenly the same.

             
Sitting on the nightstand underneath the window was an old tin soup can. The string attached to it was trailing all the way up to the windowsill and out through the crack where the window had been left open.

             
Excitement rushed through me as I flew across the room. I lifted the cup to my lips.

             
“Hello?” Then placed it near my ear.

             
“I was starting to wonder if I’d ever hear from you.” Blaise.

             
I practically fell backwards onto my mattress. My ass landed on it with a hefty bounce. “What are you doing here?”

             
“The only thing that ever made me feel like I was worth anything. Trying to be a good friend to you.”

             
I lifted my head to glance out of the window. A dim light was on in the room across from mine. It wasn’t enough to make anything out.

             
“You didn’t have to come back here. You could have just called.”

             
“It wouldn’t have been the same. Besides. I think we both know you wouldn’t have answered.” He was right.

             
“But you hate that house.” I closed my eyes feeling the sting of tears.

             
“Not as much as I love you.” His voice was shrouded in emotions and even across the kite string phone line I could tell that he was just as close to bawling his eyes out as I was.

             
“How did we end up here, Blaise?” I whispered.

             
“Together. And that’s the same way we’re going to get to the next place. All you need to do is tell me where you want to go.”

             
I laid back on the bed, hugging my pillow close to my chest. “That’s the thing. I was happy where I was, Blaise. I love managing the band. I love spending my life on the road and in the studio. I love music. I love YOUR music. I love you. I love the guys. Maybe it seems like I’ve just been going through life riding your coattails –“

             
“Ava, no. No one has ever thought that. The band wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for you. We’ve all been riding the wave of your success. I just, I worry that you’ve been so busy making my dreams come true, you’ve never taken the time to think about your own. And it can’t just be all about me anymore.”

             
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This
is
my dream. You, me, the guys. I’ve never wanted anything else. I know you think I chose it by default, because you needed me to, but the truth is, I made you pursue your music, because that was what
I
needed. I’ve imagined you on stage performing in front of thousands of screaming fans since the first time I heard you play for me over the stupid cup phone a million years ago.”

             
I heard him chuckle. “I remember that. Window. It was the first song I ever wrote. That one was about you too, you know?”

             
I nodded automatically, remembering. Blaise had installed a set of cups for us just like these just a few weeks after my father had left. One night when I was crying myself to sleep like I’d been doing nearly every night at that point, I’d heard him. The cup had been wedged in the crack of the window to keep the string tight and it’d only been a faint whisper at first, until I’d lifted the cup to my ear. After that, he’d talked me through the night countless times. Truth was, I’d been dependent on him long before he’d ever needed me. His needs had just been so much messier than mine that he’d forgotten. Over the years we’d become each other’s constant.  And then one night, shortly before his mother died, he sang that song to me for the first time on a night a lot like this one. “Can you sing it to me now?”

             
I heard a shuffle as he prepped the cup to be his makeshift amp and a few minutes later I heard the strum of guitar strings.

“I watch through the window

I watch your whole life

Each day that passes

And turns into night

I see when you laugh

Although not that often

I see when you cry

Mourning a lifelong forgotten

I know when you sleep

Because then you’re at peace

The world’s crazy mess

Disappears for a few hours at least