Lost Avalon: A Finding Nolan Novel (16 page)

             
I thought I’d been a good friend to her back then. Well. At least until my mother died. Then everything turned to shit and before I knew it, I was just as dependent on Ava as her mother was. More so maybe.

             
I was such a piece of shit. How many times had I seen her teetering on the edge of her own undoing all because of what her mother was putting her through? How had I not seen that what I was doing, what I
had been
doing, was so much fucking worse?

             
I screamed. I screamed from the core of my being. Furious with myself. Furious with the world. My mother for leaving the way she did. My father for never allowing us to live the truth. He’d made a liar out of me. It was his fault. But if I didn’t change, if I didn’t find a way to be honest with myself and those closest to me, I would lose Ava for good. And that would be on me, no one else.

Chapter 14

             
I didn’t even
knock, I just let myself in and dropped everything in Royce’s foyer, letting the noise announce my arrival. Within seconds, he was there, holding me tight while I cried on his shoulder. Seemed I was doing that a lot lately. Crying. I’d thought it was a good thing a few weeks back. Thought I was sort of cleansing my soul, purging the crap from the past and moving forward. I’d been fooling myself. I knew that now.

             
“Come on. I’ve got coffee and Nutella in the kitchen.”

             
We left all my stuff where it was as Royce led the way forth from the rubble and to safer ground.

             
He gestured for me to take a seat at the kitchen table and I immediately curled back into the soft cushions and pulled up my feet. Royce’s idea of appropriate seating in the breakfast nook consisted of cushy club chairs. Not at all conducive to eating at a table, but very cool to look at and even better to sit in. Plus, the only thing anyone ever consumed at this table was coffee and the occasional bag of Doritos. Who needed a stiff, straight back chair for that?

             
Royce handed me a hot mug the size of a cereal bowl and I felt a flood of tears rush in all over again. Blaise was supposed to be my best friend, but these days it seemed like Royce was the one actually acting like it. Even after I’d been lying to him, and then made him lie to the others on top of it. What kind of a person had I become?

             
“I suck, Royce. I’m sorry.”

             
“Don’t be stupid. Drink your coffee. Here.” He slid a jar of Nutella with a spoon in it onto the table along with a container of brownie bites which looked like they were fresh from the bakery.

             
“Were you expecting me?”

             
“Yeah.” He looked sullen as he went to take a seat across from me. “Not that I was hoping for it, but…I don’t know. That night Blaise went missing after you walked out. It was a serious eye opener, you know? I mean, so many things I’d been ignoring suddenly made a ton of sense. Made it kind of hard to ignore his pattern. He fucks up, you fix it. He fucks up again…”

             
I shoved a brownie slathered in Nutella into my mouth. “What made you think I wouldn’t just fix this?”

             
He shrugged. “Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

             
I felt the lump rise in my throat again and nearly choked on the load of chocolate going down. These stupid feelings were really going to need to move it along. I couldn’t even say anything. I just nodded repeatedly and slurped coffee for the next two hours, taking breaks for brownies intermittently until I thought I might throw up.

             
Before I could get to that point, Royce was busy tucking me under the covers on his bed.

             
“Listen. Girls are generally not invited here, so I hope you realize how special you are. And, as a girl, there are certain rules I’m going to need you to follow. First of all, there will be absolutely no blanket hogging here. I don’t care how cute you look in your sleep, it’s not happening. Second, stick to your own pillow. I’ve seen you passed out, and girlfriend, you drool. Lastly, I’ve decided to make an exception just this once and allow cuddling. So, bring it on over here.”

             
Torn between giggling and bawling some more, I scooted myself over to him until I was resting my head on his chest with his arm wrapped snugly around me. It wasn’t home, but at least it was safe.

             
Morning came about two seconds later, but I was too exhausted to acknowledge it. I had a faint recollection of hearing Royce moving around the room and vaguely remembered being kissed on the forehead before I sunk back into what turned into several hours more of a dreamless sleep.

             
It was after three o’clock in the afternoon by the time I drug myself out of bed and into the shower. From there, I wandered into the kitchen for more coffee and brownies. Royce had left a note for me taped to the coffee maker telling me to make myself at home, but I couldn’t.

             
As welcoming as it was to be taken care of by someone else for a change, I wouldn’t be able to continue staying in a house that was in such close proximity to Blaise. If watching other addicts had taught me anything, it was that temptation was impossible to resist. I would have to quit Blaise cold turkey.

             
With the boys busy at the studio, and Francis overseeing things from the office, I gave myself the day off and took a drive up to my house. As expected it was still half under construction. I had a bedroom to sleep in, but my bathroom was missing a shower…and a wall. So, in the interest of keeping things simple, I booked myself a suite at one of the hotels nearest to the studio and moved in there for the time being.

             
Then, after I was settled, I went to face the music. Literally and figuratively.

             
Armed with several bags of take out from Royce’s favorite taco place, I showed up at the studio just as everyone was huddled together in the control room listening to a track they’d just finished recording.

             
“Damn, my timing is awesome.” I started handing out the Styrofoam boxes. “Feeding you guys is always so much easier when you’re all in the same room at the same time. Here Brett, it’s the only vegan thing they had on the menu.”

             
Brett, their producer, was fifty-three and about as good a reason you’d ever find to give up meat and dairy, and all the other crap we tend to shove into our mouths, forever.  He was aging better than Cher and he hadn’t required any surgery to do it. Maybe after Blaise, I’d give up meat and ice cream. A minor sacrifice until I got my period. I wonder if I could still have my double cheese burger from Jack In The Box along with my pint of Ben And Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and be considered Vegan if I was only consuming them for medical purposes. You know, in place of Midol or whatever.

             
“I was starting to think I wouldn’t see you today.” Blaise kept his eyes down as he spoke. Ironic, since he was quite literally not
seeing me
while talking about seeing me.

             
“I had stuff to do. Besides, you guys don’t need me here for this.” I took my food and sat on the armrest of Royce’s chair. I wasn’t about to get into discussing last night’s drama with everyone crammed into the control room.

             
“So, how are we doing? Making good progress with the album?” I’d been there every day since recording started. I already knew the answer. Just felt safer to fill the silence than leave it open for someone else to speak.

             
“I think we’re looking at another two weeks here. All depends on how fast Blaise and Derek can knock out the last of those songs. We need at least three more. Five would be even better. That’d give us more play room.” Brett took another bite of his no meat, no cheese, no sour cream burrito. “And of course, Blaise needs to pull his head out of his ass while we’re recording. Any more days like today and the album won’t be done before Christmas.”

             
Blaise tried to laugh it off but fell short in his enthusiasm. “Sorry, man.”

             
“Yeah, lets’ give the man a break. He looks exhausted,” Derek chimed in, patting his shoulder.

             
“Oh, so it’s Ava’s fault then.” Angel pointed at me. Funny really, that the insinuation of his playful accusations were so far off the map while the actual words were so dead on.

             
“Always is.” I shrugged. “Well, since I’m already to blame for enough wasted hours in the studio, I’m going to get out of here and let you guys get back to work.”

             
I gave a general wave around the room and walked out.

             
I was about halfway down the hall taking me toward the exit when I heard footsteps behind me.

             
“Ava.”

             
I didn’t stop. I didn’t turn around.

             
“Avalon, wait.”

             
It was like my body didn’t know how to ignore a direct command and my feet brought me to a screeching halt.

             
“What Blaise?” I hung my head back annoyed, still not facing him.

             
“Don’t you think we should talk about what happened?” I felt him brush up against me as he passed me by to stand in my path, simultaneously forcing me to look him in the eye and blocking my escape route.

             
“No. I’m done talking.” And I was going to prove it.

             
“You can’t be serious. So, what? That’s it? We’re over just like that?”

             
I nodded. “Just like that.”

             
“This is wrong. Tell me you don’t know this is wrong. The way I feel about you. The way you feel about me –“

             
“Doesn’t matter. None of it matters. None of it’s real. Not if you’re still living a lie.” I pushed through him, my shoulder slamming hard into his as I went by. It hurt. The pain was just the distraction I needed to keep me from listening to my own thoughts begging me to turn back and give Blaise just one more chance. He’d had plenty. And more importantly, this time he didn’t call after me to ask for another one.

***

             
I hadn’t really expected her to stay. Part of me had just needed to see her. Up close. To have her look at me while she spoke. Even if I didn’t like what she had to say. In some insane way, I told myself it was a sign she still loved me if she bothered to speak to me at all.

             
I fought the urge to punch the wall and slowly walked back toward the end of the hall. I wasn’t looking forward to facing the guys. It had to be obvious something was going on between Ava and me considering she had barely acknowledged me during her brief visit when days before we hadn’t been able to keep our hands off of each other whenever we were even remotely within reach.

             
“She still pissed at you?” Derek didn’t even wait for me to walk in all the way.

             
“Nah.” I waved it off.

             
“They broke up,” Royce said flatly. Like it was his fucking business to announce.

             
“Shit. You’re kidding.” Angel looked genuinely disappointed. “Not over that business with the waitress last night? I mean, we were all there. We can tell her nothing happened.”

             
I was about to answer when Royce beat me to it again.

             
“It’s not about the waitress.” He glared at me. “And it’s none of our fucking business. Bottom-line, Blaise and Ava are done and we’re going back to the way things were before.” He stood up from his chair. “Now then, can we get some fucking work done today?”

             
As much as I hated Royce for opening his big mouth and airing my personal tragedies like they were hard facts, unyielding and irreversible, I was also grateful not to have to answer any more questions. At least he’d curbed my lies for one afternoon. And Royce’s tone had made it pretty damn clear he would call me out on any in the future if I attempted to spin the situation in my favor at any point.

Chapter 15

It had been
three days since Blaise and I ended things and nothing felt resolved. As much as I told myself that talking to him would only mean backtracking, I didn’t feel like I could move forward this way either. On the other hand, this weird state of limbo was really the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces. If things weren’t settled then this wasn’t the final outcome. We still had a chance. And as much as I knew I was doing the right thing for both of us by taking a stand and breaking our unhealthy pattern, I couldn’t bear the thought of us being apart forever. Not when being together had felt so right.