Losing Me Finding You (21 page)

“I love you too, Ben.”

5th June 2000

Twenty-four years old

“So the good news is, we’ve managed to avoid surgery, Ben,” the doctor says. “The swelling has subsided and the fracture appears to be healing on its own. We’d like to keep you in a brace for a couple more weeks, but I think overall, your prognosis is very good.”

I’m watching Ben’s face as the doctor tells him all of this. It’s been eleven weeks since we lost each other, ten weeks since his fall and nine weeks since I found him again. By all accounts, his recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. But, we are still a long way off.

“What about the paralysis?” I ask, turning to face the doctor, my hand squeezing Ben’s as if to reassure him when really, it’s me who needs it. Ben’s attitude to the whole thing has been amazing. It’s like he knows, without a doubt, that not only will he walk again, but he’ll also be going back to work soon too. The last part I’m not so sure about, but I keep that to myself for now, just wanting to get Ben back on his feet first.

The doctor smiles at both of us. “Ben’s strength and sensation grows everyday. Once we have the brace off, we’ll get him started on some intense rehab, both strengthening exercises and physical movement. I’m confident that by the end of the year, Ben will be up and walking, without assistance.”

“You are?” I ask, needing to know for sure.

The doctor’s smile widens now. “Evie, Ben has been very lucky, there’s no doubt. Despite what you think, his injury was relatively minor considering the distance he fell and the time it took to reach him. And while I know his recovery has seemed slow, he’s really making excellent progress. You should be very proud of him.”

I nod. “I am, Doctor, really.”

“Good,” the doctor says, signing something off on Ben’s chart. “So, the ortho people will be in sometime soon to get you fitted and once we have that in place, we might think about sending you home.”

“Thanks, Doc,” Ben finally says, tugging on my hand, to get my attention.

The doctor leaves and when I turn to Ben, I see he’s smiling up at me. “I told you it would be okay, baby,” he says, tugging harder, so I’m pulled towards him, half lying on the bed.

“Yeah, you did,” I whisper, kissing him.

“Ugh, I see you two are back at it again,” Rachel says as she walks into the room.

I smile as I stand up from the bed, walking around to hug Ben’s sister. She and I are in a lot better place now.

“Hey, Rachel,” I whisper, kissing her cheek as I pull back.

She smiles at me as she says, “Hey, Evie. You know I don’t really mind, don’t you?” I nod, smiling at her. “It’s good to see you two back together, and it’s really good to see this one so happy again,” she says, nodding towards her brother. “I’m glad it all worked out.”

And I know she is. Like Ben, she has forgiven me for what I did, not just to him, but to their whole family.

“Me too,” I tell her, pulling her towards the chairs beside Ben’s bed.

“So any decision on when the invalid can go home?”

Ben laughs as I smack her on the shoulder. “Soon,” he says, smiling at her. “And thank god for that.”

“What’s going to happen next then?” she asks. “I mean, where are you going to live? Are you going back to work?”

Ben glances at me and I smile, trying to reassure him that I’m okay with this, that I know he needs to go back, no matter how scared that makes me. Ben isn’t a man who’s built to lie in bed all day or spend it tied behind a desk. He loves his job, it’s all he’s ever wanted to do and I know I can’t be the one to stop him doing it, no matter how much I worry about what might happen next.

“Evie’s flat,” Ben says, smiling. “And work, yes, eventually. Need to have rehab for a while first, but eventually, yes.”

“This is good news, right?” Rachel says, smiling at her brother.

“It is,” I nod. “It’s really good news.”

“Well,” Ben says, his eyes sparkling with mischief now, “I am gonna miss those sponge baths of yours, baby.”

“Ben!” I say, smacking his shoulder.

“What?” he asks, laughing.

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now?” I say, leaning in and kissing the end of his nose.

“Baby, I can’t help it,” Ben says, shifting so he’s kissing my mouth now. “We have a lot of time to make up for.”

I hear Rachel groan and I laugh. But as I lean in to kiss him again, I also can’t help but think about what Ben just said.

We have a lot of time to make up for.

He’s right, we do.

And I’m not going to miss a single second of it.

12th March 2001

Twenty-five years old

“We need to find somewhere else to live,” I say, squeezing between the tiny dining table and the treadmill and weights Ben needs, all of which takes up most of the space in my tiny flat in Brixton. I’ve just come back from taking Ben’s parents to the station. They visit us at least once a week, Suzanne often bringing meals so that I don’t have to worry about cooking after I’ve spent all day at work.

They’ve been incredibly good to us. Helping get Ben sorted with doctor’s appointments when I can’t get off work, letting him come and live with me rather than go back home to Fleet. They’ve also been good about not asking too many questions about me, or where the hell I’ve been all this time. I have no idea what Ben has said to them, how he’s explained my absence and while I know the questions must be coming, right now I’m grateful for their silence.

It helps that all of us have been distracted by trying to get Ben back on his feet. He’s been amazing though, following all the doctor’s orders and showing up for his physical therapy every day, doing even more of it when he comes home. I’ve been trying to get him to take it easy, but Ben just smiles at me and says, “Babe, I’m good, really. And besides, I need to get my strength back.” When he says this, he winks at me and I know he’s not just talking about his strength for walking. We haven’t had many opportunities to be together since this all happened. I don’t want to push things when I know he’s in pain from a therapy session or just exhausted from it all. Ben thinks differently of course, but I know it frustrates him, how limited he is with his movement. I keep telling him not to worry about it, that we have plenty of time.

And we do, we have three more years and really, Ben is making an amazing recovery. I think even the doctors have been surprised at just how fast it’s been. It gives me hope that soon, he won’t need any of this stuff at all, that soon he’ll be back to the Ben I remember.

Ben walks towards me, using his cane. “Eva,” he says and the tone of his voice stops me in my tracks.

“What?”

I watch as Ben takes a deep breath and looks right at me. “There’s someone here to see you.”

“Who?” I ask, glancing at the couch tucked into the corner of my flat. Shit.

“Hey, Evie,” Nick says standing and walking towards me. He looks absolutely awful, his face drawn as he leans in and kisses my cheek before pulling me into a tight hug. I glance at Ben over his shoulder wondering if he understands who this guy is. I’ve told him about my brother and he knows I still see him, but they’ve never actually met yet.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” I say, stepping back. I look over at Ben, who is standing by the kitchen watching us. “Nick, this is Ben,” I say, gesturing towards him. “Ben, this is my brother, Nick.” I’m sure they’ve already worked all this out before I got home.

Nick tries to smile as he says, “Yeah, we’ve worked that part out.” Ben smiles sadly back at him and then the two of them turn and face me, frozen to the spot by the front door.

As I stare back at them, I’m trying to work out how to even begin explaining things. I see Nick about once a week, we apparently had a regular lunch date every Thursday and I’ve kept to that ever since Ben was able to come home from the hospital.

Even though I’d run off on Nick that day when all my memories came back, I couldn’t just ignore him. My brother and I were, and are, very close. It wasn’t fair of me to shut him out just because he didn’t understand what was going on. I’ve apologised about what happened with his friend that day too. He was pretty good about the whole thing. Turns out, he wasn’t so much pissed at me for running off, but more so for staying away, for not telling him about Ben.

I tried to explain, as best I could, but of course there’s only so much I can tell him. He eventually found out I was seeing someone and he knows all about Ben now. He’s happy for me, even if he’s never met him until today and doesn’t know the full story.

“It is nice to finally meet him,” Nick says, still trying for a smile. It doesn’t work, but I get the feeling that whatever is going on with Nick right now, has nothing to do with meeting Ben.

I glance at Ben again and he gives me a half smile, shifting on his cane as he watches us. It wakes me up and I walk over and pull him towards the couches, sitting on the coffee table in front of both of them.

“Yeah,” I say to my brother as I reach out and take Ben’s hand. “I know it should have happened earlier.”

Nick watches us. He’s fidgety though, almost as though he’s nervous about something. “Yeah, it should have,” he says and I catch the tone that tells me he’s hurt it hasn’t.

I give my brother a half smile of apology. “I know,” I say. “And I’m sorry, Nick, really.”

“To be fair,” Ben says, squeezing my fingers. “I haven’t exactly been able to get around much.”

“Ben broke his back in a fall,” I say to my brother. “He’s been in rehab for the past eight months or so. So you know, I’ve been pretty busy looking after him and working and stuff.”

“Shit, Evie, why didn’t you just say,” Nick says, his eyes softening. He turns to Ben. “I’m sorry to hear about that,” he says.

Ben shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Thanks, it’s fine. Couple more months and I’ll be good as new,” he says, pulling me off the coffee table and into his lap.

I lean over and press a quick kiss to his cheek before turning to look at my brother again. He’s watching us, his head cocked to the side as though he’s trying to work something out. But in his eyes I see something else, a sadness that I know is my fault. As he seems to consider us, my heart pounds in my chest, as I wait for the inevitable question I know is coming.

But he surprises me when he says, “Evie, there’s… Well there’s something I need to tell you.”

Ben’s fingers tighten in mine as I sit up straighter. “What? What’s wrong?” I ask.

“It’s Mum and Dad,” Nick says, taking a deep breath as he leans forward, his hands clasped together between his legs. He looks so nervous, almost anxious about whatever it is he needs to tell me.

“What about them?” I ask, a tiny spike of fear running through me.

“They’ve been in a car accident, Evie,” he says, running a shaking hand through his hair, his voice catching on the words. “They…they didn’t make it.”

I stare back at my brother, at a man I’ve grown close to over the last year, and who I instinctively love and trust. I can’t believe he sat here while Ben and I talked about what happened to him and all the while he was here to tell me this. He looks destroyed, utterly devastated right now.

“Oh god,” I whisper, not knowing what else I can possibly say as I reach out and take Nick’s hand in mine. He looks so sad, and even though I don’t really know our parents, I can certainly understand the feeling of loss, or mourning what you no longer have.

He smiles sadly at me, before he continues, “It was very quick apparently,” he says. “They were driving up to Wales to visit Dad’s sister. A lorry driver fell asleep and crossed to the wrong side of the road. I don’t think they ever…” he trails off and wish I could somehow make this better for him, even though I don’t feel what he’s feeling right now.

I don’t mean to be unsympathetic about what’s happened, but it’s just so…
different
for me. I might understand sadness and I definitely know what grief and losing someone you love feels like. But it’s hard for me to really mourn the loss of these parents, because I’ve never really known them. They didn’t live in London and since I woke up in this life, I’ve never even seen them.

Now that I’m getting older, I don’t always know the family I’m given. Whatever new friends or family I do have, I try to get to know, Nick is the perfect example of that. But things change when I finally find Ben. It’s hard enough trying to work out the intricacies of a life I don’t really understand and I guess I don’t quite know how to explain the story of Ben and me when I find him again.

Because, what can I say to the parents or brother who I’ve supposedly known my whole life, that Ben and I met as kids? To them it doesn’t make any sense. With Ben’s parents, it’s different. They don’t know about my disappearing, but they never forget I exist. And even though we haven’t really explained the four years I was away, I know when I come back each time they still remember me.

“You okay?” Ben asks softly, bringing my free hand to his lips where he presses a kiss to my palm.

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I say, turning back to Nick. “Are you okay?”

He shrugs as though he isn’t sure of the answer either. I hop off Ben’s lap and move to sit beside my brother, my arm wrapping around his shoulders as he says, “It’s just not something I was ever expecting to happen. I mean I know they’re our parents and they were getting on, but you know…”

“I’m so sorry, Nick,” I say, squeezing my arm around him. “I, I don’t know what to say.”

Nick kisses the top of my head before saying, “Neither do I.”

“Is there anything you need?” I ask. “Anything I can do?”

Nick takes a deep breath. “Well, we do need to make arrangements for the funeral. And we’re eventually going to have to sort all of their stuff, sell the house, I guess.”

It seems strange to be talking about this. Not just because I have no idea what the house even looks like, but because it’s so soon after everything’s just happened. It seems wrong almost, but maybe it’s just Nick’s way of coping with things.

“What do you need me to do?” I ask, wanting more than anything to make this easier for him.

Nick looks at me for a minute before turning to look at Ben. I watch as he takes in his cane, the weights and treadmill, our tiny cramped apartment. He finally looks back and me and smiles. “I can take care of it, Evie,” he says. “I think you’ve already got your hands full.”

“Nick,” I say, squeezing his shoulder as I quickly glance at Ben. I know he’ll understand and honestly, this is something I really want to do for my brother. “Let me help you, I want to help.”

Nick nudges my shoulder with his. “Well, if you’re happy for me to sort the house and things, maybe you can organise the funeral details then?” he asks.

I nod. “Whatever you need me to do, just let me know.”

Nick nods. “There’ll be paperwork to sign later on,” he says. “And I’ll let you know what we can sell and what we need to go through before I chuck anything out.”

“It’s okay, Nick,” I tell him. “I trust you to decide. You keep whatever you like, I don’t need any of it.”

Nick pulls back and looks at me. “No, Evie, half of it’s yours.”

I’m shaking my head before he even finishes speaking. I can’t even believe we’re talking about this. I might not know these people, but still, it feels far too soon to be discussing splitting their assets. And besides, I don’t need anything from them, I already have the one thing I need sitting opposite me.

“Don’t argue with me, Evie,” Nick says, smiling so I know he’s teasing me. “Just accept I’m right on this one.”

I hear Ben chuckle on the couch across from us and when I glance at him, he raises an eyebrow as if to say
see, I’m not the only one
. I shake my head at him before turning back to my brother. He smiles at me now and presses another kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m so sorry, Nick,” I whisper.

“I know, sis, me too,” he says. “It was a shock, that’s for sure.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes as I try and work out what else I can possibly say. My arm is still wrapped around Nick’s shoulders, as Ben sits on the opposite couch just giving us space. Eventually Nick lets out a deep breath before glancing at him.

“So how’d you two actually meet?” he asks, changing the subject as though he doesn’t want to talk about why he’s really here anymore.

My heart pounds as I watch my brother turn his gaze back to me before I look at Ben. This was inevitable really, it happened with Sarah and I’m sure it’s going to happen again in the future. I’m not really sure what to say, Ben’s always been so much better at this part.

“Kind of by chance,” Ben finally says, his eyes never leaving mine. I smile back at him, my arm sliding off my brother’s shoulders.

“By chance?” Nick says.

“Yeah,” I whisper, when what I really hope is that Ben’s explanation is enough. I hope Nick can let it go and just accept that we are together. I’ve never really had two lives collide so literally like this.

Parents in the past were always much easier to deal with because they didn’t seem to worry so much about friends who came and went. To them, Ben was just a new friend, or a new boyfriend maybe. To me, he’s always been the one person I was looking for, but with Nick, it’s different. He’s my brother, we’ve supposedly known each other for twenty-five years and as far as he knew, I didn’t have a boyfriend until I ran off a week after my twenty-fourth birthday and suddenly found one.

“Huh,” he eventually says, smiling at both of us. “Well, I’m just glad to see you happy, Evie.”

I exhale with a smile. “I’m very happy, Nick.”

Nick nods once and leans in to kiss my cheek. “Well, I’ll leave you guys to it. We still on for lunch tomorrow?” he asks.

“Of course we are,” I say. “Will you come here instead?” I ask, flicking a glance at Ben. “Have lunch with both of us?”

Nick smiles as he understands this is my way of apologising for taking so long to introduce them. “Of course I will.”