Lipstick and Lies (38 page)

‘Well I meant hypothetically.
Not literally!’

‘And also,’ Jonas chimed in, ‘you
more or less told me the same thing
this morning
– to
get Toby’s plimsol
ls back and look after Dylan.’

I had a sudden recollection of Jonas pressing an index finger against the side of his nose, telling me he’d caught my drift a
nd to consider it a done deed.

‘Oh terrific,’ I thumped the steering wheel.
‘So what did
you both do to Richard Clegg?’

‘It was really cool Mum,’ said Toby
.
‘
T
he three of us followed Richard Clegg into the loo at break time–
’

‘And then I leant against the door,’ said Dylan, ‘to stop anybody els
e being able to follow us in–’

‘And I grabbed hold of Richard Clegg’s neck
,’ Jonas said cheerfully, ‘
and threatened to stick his head down the toilet if he didn’t return Toby’s plimsolls and stop harassing Dylan
.
He cried like a baby.’

‘Bullies always do when they’re on t
heir own,’ Toby nodded sagely.

‘So all’s well that ends well,’ agreed Dylan.

‘Right,’ I said faintly as the Muck Truck pulled up outside Nell’s house.
‘Well I hope
there are no repercussions.’

‘Nah,’ Jonas swaggered, ‘Richard Clegg asked if he could join our gang.
Said his last gang was too puny for warfare.
We said we’d think about it.’

‘Thank you very much Jonas
,
but there will be no more talk of gang warfare.
The last thing I want is Miss Jenner calling me up and asking
f
or explanations on why I told my children to
stick a boy’s head down the toilet
.’
That was all I needed.
My children
w
ould be snatched away before
you could say Social Services.

‘Anyway,’ said Dylan, ‘not a word to Mum
,
eh Cass?’

‘Definitely not,’ I assured.
I wasn’t quite sure what Nell would make of her oldest friend organising
school
terror tactics of which her son was an active member.

That evening Arthur once again joined us for dinner.
There was m
ore endless chatter about
boat
restoration
.
I found myself discreetly yawning into my steak and kidney pie.
How on earth could such a project interest Edna?
But clearly it did for her eyes were alight.
In fact everything about my mother-in-law seemed to be glowing.
And I wasn’t too sure it was just boat conversation thrilling her to bits.
The more I studied Arthur and Edna, the more convinced I became that a completely different set o
f undercurrents were going on.

I didn’t have to wait long for confirmation either.
Sometime after Eddie and the children
had
gone to bed,
Jamie and I were watching television when
Edna
put
her head around the living room door.

‘
I’m just popping over to Arthur’s,’ Edna said, for all the world as if saying she was just off to Sainsbury’s.
Except it was ten o’clock at night.
‘For a nightcap.’

Jamie’s head swivelled and his mouth dropped open.
‘Can’t
he have a nightcap here Mum?’

‘No dear,’ said Edna briskly.
‘There are so
me things we want to discuss.’

‘Can’t you discuss them tomorrow?’ Jamie frowned.
‘After all, you spend all day together.
Surely you could have discusse
d whatever it was earlier on?’

‘Jamie dear,’ Edna was now belting up her coat, ‘you are sounding like a parent.
Which of course you are.
But not mine,’ she patted her coat pocket for her car keys.
‘So don’t wait up.
I’ll see you both later.’
And with that my mother-in-law turned on her heel.
Not before either of us had copped the small overnight bag she was clasping in one hand.
Seconds later
, there was the sound of her Micra starting up
.

‘Well I’ll be–’

‘Not a word Cassie,’ Jamie grimaced.
He leapt to his feet.
‘My God!
My mother has just left the house,’ he peered at his wrist
watch, ‘in the dead of night–’

‘Oh hardly darl
ing
–’

‘To go to another man’s ho
me
,’
Jamie raked his hair, ‘
and do
heaven only knows what.
It’s outrageous.
She’s seventy-two years old!
What on earth is she t
hinking about?’ he spluttered.

‘Having a nightcap,’ I said.
I had a mental picture of Arthur and Edna
tucked up in bed
together, wearing
identical
nightcaps and looking like a pair of elves.
I batted the vision away.
Standing up I pointed the remote control at the television.
Th
e screen instantly went black.

‘She’s not
coming home!’ Jamie exhorted.

I chucked the remote control on the sofa.
‘Darling
,
let’s go to bed.’

‘I won’t sleep a wink,’ Jamie
began pacing the floor in agitation
.
‘Wha
t do you think they might do?’

‘Come on,’ I took his hand and led him across the hall.
‘They’ve bought a boat together darling.
What did you think they were goin
g to do?’

‘Sail t
he ruddy thing!’ Jamie gasped.

‘Y-e-s,’ I led my husband up the stairs
and across the landing to our bedroom.
‘A
nd when they’ve thrown down the anchor at the end of a day, then what?’
I
quietly shut our bedroom door
.

‘
Then they
go to sleep.
In their separate berths.
They’re to
o old for shenanigans Cassie.’

‘Does that mean that when you’re seventy-two you will no longer be up for it?’ I gave Jamie a
playful push towards our bed.

‘No!’ he gasped.
‘I would hazard not.’

‘Why?’ I began to unbutton his
shirt.

‘Darling I’m sorry but I really cannot even begin to think about doing anything
sexy when my mother has just–’

‘Shhh,’ I put a finger over Jamie’s lips and felt for the belt on his trousers.
‘
Sometimes you think too much.’

‘Is this my wife talki
ng?’

‘No.
It’s your lover talking.’

‘My lover eh?’

‘Yes,’ I shoved him backwards and he fell onto the bed.
‘Your lover who
does unspeakably rude things.’

‘Tell me more,’ Jamie
whispered
.

My hand snaked out for the bedside light.
Seconds later the room plunged into darkness.

‘
So
,’ Morag
chortled
, ‘old Edna is a b
it of a goer on the quiet eh?’

She reached for the coffee pot and topped mine and Nell’s cups up.
The three of us
were seated in
Morag’s
bright sunny kitchen.
Eddie and Henry were gurgling together in Henry’s playpen.
Through the kitchen window I could see Matt talking to an owner whilst stable girls scurried about seeing
to hay nets and water buckets.

‘Jamie was beside himself,’ I reached for a Hob Nob.
‘By the way, not a word about this to Matt
and Ben
okay?’ I bit into the biscuit.
‘I’m not sure my husband would be thrilled to know I’ve been gossiping with the pair of you about his mother’s
love life.’

‘Blimey,’ said Nell, ‘and there was me thinking Ben and I were pretty much past it,’ she shifted baby Rosie onto her other breast, ‘just goes to show that there’s potent
ially life in an old dog yet.’

‘And talking of dogs,’ said Morag, ‘I do wish you’d left Rocket at home Nell.
She keeps drooling all over my clean kitchen floor.
Oh for goodness sake,’ Morag rolled her eyes
at Rocket.
Ribbons of
saliva
were
hanging from Rocket’s jowls
.
‘G
ive her a Hob Nob.’

Nell leant forward, shifting Rosie slightly, and tipped half a pa
cket of Hob Nobs on the floor.

‘Not like that!’ screeched Morag.
‘I’ll have to anti-ba
c the floor now.’

‘For goodness sake Morag,’ chided Nell, ‘your floor is so clean
I could eat my dinner off it.’

‘Not after your dog’s bottom has been all over it,’ Morag
protested
.

‘You have strong OCD tendencies
,
do you know that?’ Nell reached for an
other Hob Nob.

‘Girl
s, girls,’ I clapped my hands.

‘So what did Jamie think about Selina spiking your drink?’ asked Nell, t
actfully changing the subject.

‘He thought it was an absolute load of tosh and nonsense,’ I took a sip of coffee.
‘Nor was he best pleased that I’d spent the afternoon filming Stevie and Selina at
Maxwell’s Equestrian Centre.’

‘Did you show h
im the evidence?’ asked Morag.

‘Er, it didn’t film quite the way I’d hoped.
Initially Jamie pooh-poohed Stevie being involved with Selina, but later said
it was none of our business.’

‘Well he’s got a point,’ said Morag.
‘Doesn’t alter the fact that we all think Se
lina is up to no good though.’

‘I followed her again yesterday,’ I lowe
red my voice conspiratorially.

‘What?’ Nell sprayed
biscuit
crumbs ove
r Rosie.

‘
Selina
threw a sickie from work.
And it just so happen
s
that
Stevie did too.
I accidentally stumbled across the pair of them whil
st
I was out s
hopping for an evening dress–’

‘Well you could have told me Cass
.
I’d have loved to have done a bit of shopping
.
’
Mo
rag looked incredibly put out.

‘Sorry
,’ I placated, ‘but
it was totally spur of the moment
.
’
Morag looked slightly mollified.
‘Anyway, when I was reversing my car out of
its space,
who
should be walking behind it?’

‘Stevie and Selina,’ bre
athed Nell.

‘The very one and same,’ I nodded picking up another Hob Nob.
‘He is such a slippery snake.’

‘That reminds me of a joke,’
said Nell, ‘you’ll like this.’

‘Spit it out Nellie-Wellie,’ Morag
groaned
.
We both propped our elbows o
n the table
, chins cupped in palms
.

‘
There once lived, deep in a
forest, an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
B
oth were blind from birth. One day the bunny was hopping through the forest
when he tripped
over the snake.
“
I’m sorry,
”
said the bunny,
“
I'
m blind
.
A
nd because I’m also an
orphan, I don't even know what I am
.”
“It’s okay,”
replied the snake
, “
I too have been blind since birth and never knew my mother.
M
aybe I could slither over you and work out what you are
.”
“
T
hat would be wonderful
,” replied
the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said,
“Y
ou're covered
in
soft fur, you have long ears, your nose twitches and you have a cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit
.”
The bunny
said, “
Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you
too
.
”
So the bunny felt the snake all over and
reached his conclusion.
“Y
ou're smooth and slippery
.
Y
ou have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
So you’re either
a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.
”