Lipstick and Lies (35 page)

‘
Oh you do, do you!
’ I glared at my husband.
‘In a nut
shell, it was Selina’s fault.’

Jamie’s eyes widened.
‘Oh Selina,’ he nodded, ‘yes of course, how silly of me.
I should have known that she was entirely responsible for your ridiculous conversation.
All that rubbish about Morag show jumping without a horse
,
and then ordering yourself three desserts.
Were y
ou trying to be funny Cassie?’

‘Of course not,’ I could feel myself growing pink with indignation.
‘How do you think I feel
,
knowing that I
passed out in front of Ethan?’

‘
So
you do remember passing out?’ Jamie balled up Eddie’s romper suit and lobbed it at the laundry basket.
‘You’re sure it wasn’t Selina holding you down on the table and demanding you beh
ave like an incoherent drunk?’

‘How dare you!’ I hissed.
‘That woman spiked
my drink!’

‘Oh
,
for heaven’s sake
.
I’ve heard it all now
.
’
Irritably,
Jamie remov
ed
Eddie’s nappy.

‘But it’s true!
Why won’t you believe me?’

‘Because,’ Jamie bagged the nappy before scooping Eddie up, ‘you were drinking too much
,
too quickly
,
on an empty stomach
.
Also,
there were witnesses that Selina did no such thing.
And why the
heck would she even want to?’

‘Because Selina hates me!
’

‘She doesn’t hate you Cassie.
’
Jamie lowered Eddie into his bath seat. ‘The woman wants to befriend you.
And has tried to.
Repeatedly.
You both shook hands on it.
Remember?’

‘Selina is clever.
Manipulative.
She obviously wa
nts to put me in a bad light.’

‘Why?’ Jamie sighed.

‘Revenge.
She was adamant I was
the other woman
and lured you away from her.’

‘Look, this con
versation is getting us nowhere.
’
Jamie filled a sponge with water and let it trickle over E
ddie’s
shoulders.
‘What
happened between
me and
Selina is in the past.
And she knows that.
She’s dotty about Ethan
,
and with every good reason.
The guy is loaded.
He keeps her in designer clothes and jewellery.
She has a great job working alongside him.
Then there’s the big wedding being planned right now as we speak.
And you can bet the babies will arrive soon after
wards
.
Selina is totally loved up.’

‘Oh is she?’
I sneered.

‘Yes.
Of cour
se!’

‘Remember how she was tellin
g us all about her friend Laura?
The one who she spent the night with a
fter Stevie dropped her home?’

‘Yes.
What about it?’

‘Laura
might
well exist, but she didn’t keep Selina company while Ethan was waiting to fly home from
America
.’

Jamie sighed.
‘Cassie, listen–’

‘No!’ I put up a hand.
‘You listen to me.
That w
oman is having an affair and–’

‘Cassie I’m starting to get really annoyed now.
Selina is not having an affair.
And even if she was, I couldn’t care less.
What she does in her private life is exactly that.
Private.
It’s no business of mine or yours who Selina goes to bed with.
And nor am I interested to know.
What is this ob
session you have with Selina?’

‘Obsession?
Me?’
I pointed to my chest, face now puce with fury.
‘You’ve got it wrong.
Selina is the one obsessed with
me
!
’

‘I can’t see that Cass.’ Jamie tipped some baby shampoo into the palm of one hand.
‘All I can see is my wife behaving in an increasingly erratic fashion.’
He
massaged the
liquid
into Eddie’s baby curls.
‘When we went to Ethan’s apartment
,
you dismissed yourself from the dinner table for the best part of twenty minutes.
It came across that you were bored
,
and coul
dn’t be bothered to be civil.’

‘I was indisposed
,
thanks to that woman doing someth
ing to my food!’

Jamie ignored me.
‘And then you made a big fuss about her coming to dinner at our house – which was quite needless
.
S
he spent
most
of the time talking to Ethan on the phone
,
before holing up with Stevie and
the kids to watch television.’

‘Well if Stevie hadn’t shown up
,
it would have been
you
entertaining her
– not to mention taking her home – which was
totally unaccept–’

‘And then finally,’ Jamie cut across me, ‘we have you in a top
London
restaurant spouting a load of garbage, drinking too much and passing out in
the most public way possible.’

‘I keep telling you,’ I shouted, ‘she spiked my drink!’
The yelling startled
Eddie.
His little lip began to wobble.
‘Oh
, my darling.
I’m so
sorry
.
’
I swooped down and kissed his chubby cheeks.
‘Don’t get upset s
weetheart.
’
I adopted a sing-song voice
.
‘
I
t’s just Mummy being silly.’

‘That’s an understatement,’ Jamie muttered.
He began rinsing Eddie’s hair.

‘And Daddy not listening to Mummy,’ I grinned at our son
,
and pulled some funny faces.
Eddie began to chuckle.
I sighed with relief and rocked back on my heels.
‘Believe me Jamie.
Please.
Selina put something in my drink.
And
she’s
having an affair with Stevie.’

‘Stevie!’
Jamie crowed.
‘Oh my God
,
this is the icing on the cake
.’
Grabbing a white fluffy towel, he lifted Eddie out of the bath and wrapped him within its soft folds.
‘How on earth have you implicate
d
your ex-husband
into this incredible fantasy?’

I smiled thinly.
‘Watch, listen and learn.’
I
removed my mobile
phone
from my coat pocket
,
and
shoved
it under
Jamie’s nose.
Touching the arrow, the screen burst into life.
The picture swung about crazily. Morag’s car seats whooshed into view.
‘I was down on the floor to begin with,’ I spoke over the excited chatter
between Morag and myself, ‘but any minute now you’re going to have the biggest surprise of your life.’
The bathroom was
instantly
filled with the sound of rampant farting.
I stared at the screen in disbelief.
And cringed as Morag’s apology
rang out, clear as a bell,
followed by
me
addressing
her
as
Lacey
.
‘I can explain.’

Jamie stared at me incredulously.
‘
Can I just say Cassie, that you’re not just coming across as
neurotic
,
but certifiable.’

‘
Oh thanks a bunch.
You’re my husband and should support me.
Nell and Morag believe me.’

‘Nell has just had a baby and – much as I love
her
– she makes Daffy Duck look like Einstein.
And as for
Morag, I think she’s missing work and courtroom drama
.
I can think of no other explanation for
getting
caught up in your imaginings.
I don’t want another word on the subject of Selina
.’
I opened my mouth to speak, but Jamie put up a hand.
‘
I mean it Cassie.
And just to let you know, the b
ank is holding its annual ball next Saturday
at a swanky venue in Oxfordshire
.
We’re invited.
All four of us.
And I want you behaving in a way that makes me proud.
Understand?’
And with that Jamie plonked Ethan in my arms
,
and stomped out the bathroom leavin
g me mouthing like a goldfish.

Eventually
,
I went downstairs with Eddie on my hip.
I kissed his damp hair.
He smelt divine.
In the kitchen
,
Edna was presiding over the Chasseur with a huge ladle.
Steam spiralled upwards.
Everybody was sitting up.

‘Perfect timi
ng Cassandra dear,’ said Edna.

‘I hope you don’t mind me joining your family Cass,’ said Arthur
,
as I popped Edd
ie into his playpen.

‘Of course not!’
I took my place at the table.
‘The more the merrier!’
I risked a look at Jamie.
He was mashing butter into his jacket potato
,
and didn’t look up.
‘So,’ I took a dinner plate from Edna and set it before me, ‘what work
did you do to the boat today?’

Arthur rubbed his hands together gleefully.
I had a feeling that Edna would have done the same
,
had she not been setti
ng plates before the children.

‘Well today
we
’ve
thoroughly acquainted ourselves with our lovely new seafaring friend.
And we’ve started on the floor.
To begin with
,
we stuck our screwdrivers into some cracks which pushed through
t
he wood like a wet paper bag.’

‘The wood was totally shot,’ said Edna sitting down.
‘So we ripp
ed
up fibreglass around the cracks
,
and that came off fairly easily.
But when we realised the extent of the rotten wood
,
we just
grabbed
the power saws and went to town
.
’
M
y mother-in-law picked up her knife and fork
.
‘
B
ut it’s not all bad news.
We were able to salvage one half of a support to give a template of the cur
ve of the bottom of the boat.’

‘How fascinating,’ I nodded.
It was gobbledegook to me.
And even if I understood what they were talking about, it struck me as mind-numbingly boring.
Thank God my husband didn’t have an urge to mess about with boats.
Or power saws.
I spooned up some chicken.
He messed about with power houses instead.
Like banks.
I cut into my jacket potato and loaded up my fork.
Powerful banks that held annual
events
.
I swallowed the potato and felt it stick in my throat.
Black tie events.
With women like Selina and myself attending.
Yet again circumstances were pushing the two of us together.
I stared at my dinner miserably.
I didn’t want to go to
a
ball with that woman.
What would she do to me next time?
Kill me?
I pushed some chicken around my plate.
Jamie’s words echoed in my head.
Was I really neurotic?
Certifiable?
Was it perhaps just an unhappy coincidence that her raw food diet had upset my tummy?
Was it really just possible I had drunk too much?
After all, it was only Nell’s supposition that had come up with my champagne being spiked.
Nell was no pharmacist.
The only thing I could be sure
of
was Selina spending the day with Stevie.
And as Jamie had said, it wasn’t our business.
What
upset me more than anything
though,
was Jamie requesting
I behave in a way that made him proud.
I forked up another bit of chicken.
As opposed to
ashamed
.
I gulped.
I’d humiliated my husband in front of his boss.
And not just his boss, but an entire restaurant.
Mortification washed over me.
I’d make it up to him.
Stop behaving like a fool.
I was forty-one years old for heaven’s sake.
It was time to
stop
hiding
in playgrounds
from
irate cyclists, or having road rage with
red
van drivers, or chasing around the
Kent
countryside filming two unmarried people up to no good with each other.
I couldn’t even get the filming right.
And even if I had, so what?
It w
as still none of our business.