Lingus (2 page)

"Those are pretty nice," a particularly nasally voice said into my ear.

"Uh," I stuttered, turning around to look at the owner of such a creepy ass voice. A short, stocky man with glasses that rested precariously on the bridge of his nose stood there with a weird smirk on his face.

"When you put it on the fourth level of vibration, it's unbelievable," he practically groaned out, eyes rolling and everything like he was reliving some fond memory in his head.

How the hell did this man know what the fourth level of vibration felt like?

I grabbed Nicole's forearm and dragged her away from the booth as quickly as I fucking could before the man came back to his senses. That was the kind of person I was expecting at a porn convention. An uncomfortable feeling of ick crawled across my skin as I tried to mentally bleach out the roll of his eyes.

"Hold on," Nikki hissed as she thrust her little package into her purse. "What the hell was that about?"

"Level four vibration," I said simply and she grimaced, nodding.

"Disgusting," she agreed and started thumbing through what looked like a pamphlet of some sort. She nodded solemnly, finding something on the page that she was looking for and winked. "Okay, here's what we're going to do. We need to take advantage of our time. I want to see that fucking sex beast, Calum Burro," she said in a sultry, Spanish accent. She could never say his name with a straight face, and I couldn't hear it with a straight face either. Calum Burro was her absolute favorite porn star. Yes, we had favorites. What's funny was that obviously Burro wasn't his last name, you know, but I was fluent in Spanish. I knew
burro
meant donkey. Seriously though, I could see why he chose Burro as his porn stage name. That man was hung like a horse. Yes, I knew a donkey wasn't a horse, but I got his drift.

"He has an autograph signing in an hour, so we should head over there and then do whatever," she continued.

I snatched the pamphlet out of her hand and started looking through it quickly. If I was here, and I was, I was going to take advantage of this shit, I guessed. I wanted to screech in excitement when I saw the name I'd been looking for on the list of people signing autographs.
Thank you, Lord Jesus
, I said in my head. I really didn't feel comfortable being here, and if this was the one and only time I came to a porn convention in my life, well damn it, I was going to tap into my inner Nicole and take advantage of it even if it was only for a minute.

"I don't give a shit what we do. We're going to Andrew Wood's booth if I have to get through my old minister to get there," I stated with as much conviction as I could muster.

Chapter 3

I had never seen Nicole this excited before.

I've seen her excited, but never
this
excited. She got excited about the little things in life: sales at Macy's, getting the perfect seat at the movie theater, when I'd buy her a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks, firing her employees when they messed up— things of that nature, however, her reaction right then was unheard of. I had always doubted that shaking in excitement was a part of her DNA. I had no idea her pretty, almost golden eyes could glitter like a kid's at Disney World. I also, sure as hell, didn't know that she started yapping a mile a minute when she got really ecstatic.

Jeez,
why
?

Any other person would assume that she was on crack by the way she was acting in line. Her big, flaxen mane was flapping from side to side as she looked down the walkway between the booths trying to spy "the love of her life." Nikki was the most amazing looking girl I had ever seen in my entire life; paired up with a loyalty to her loved ones that rivaled a German Shepherd's and her passion for standing up for others, she was a force of nature. She was the real deal inside and out. She also knew exactly what she wanted from life, which only heightened her larger-than-life personality. Right then, what she wanted was to get on Calum Burro's radar. There was no doubt in my mind that the half man-half horse wasn't going to have any idea what hit him.

"Kat, is my make up okay? I don't have runny eyeliner or anything, right? Do my boobs look good?" she ranted.

I tried my best not to roll my eyes, because really, this was pretty freaking cute despite the fact that her giddiness was borderline annoying. I loved it when Nikki was happy though. "Your face is perfect as always my dear, and your gigantic boobs look motorboat-able." I winked at her and she grinned.

In few words, she wanted Calum to motorboat her tits. I laughed my ass off for a solid thirty minutes when she admitted that to me a few months before. He could totally do it, I'd seen those 34D's in person more times than I could count, and those puppies were immaculate.

"Shit, I need to go pee. Will you hold my spot for me?" she asked, I nodded.

He wasn't scheduled to come out and do autographs for another ten or fifteen minutes, but there were already eight people ahead of us and at least another ten behind. The eight bitches in front were all dressed up like trashy versions of country girls in microscopic cut-off jean shorts. If that wasn't bad enough, the old geezers behind us were wearing enough make up to supply Sephora for at least six months. It was pretty weird to think that all of these people around me had masturbated to Calum Burro at one point or another. The mental image of the woman behind me, who was old enough to be my great-grandmother and wore something renaissance slash gothic inspired, enjoying some solo time made me want to gag a little.

I was trying to keep my head down as much as possible. The nervousness that bubbled through my veins at getting caught seeing someone I knew was absolutely overwhelming. I thought I'd crap my pants if I recognized someone.

Oh, lord.

"I'm back, biatch." Nicole greeted me a couple minutes later, saddling up next to me.

Suddenly, I realized that Nikki wasn't holding a video or a magazine for him to sign when it was her turn, like all the other women in line. "What is he signing?" I asked her suspiciously.

"My ass, Kat. What else?" she replied, like I was an idiot who should have known the answer. Out of nowhere, she tugged down one side of her jeans to a patch of tan skin right to the side of her ass crack.

"Classy."

Vivaciously, a guy with frosted tips and a ton of gel appeared behind the signing table, waving his hands. "Ladies! Calum will be here in one minute to begin his autograph session! Thank you for being patient!" he yelled into the crowd.

Nikki squealed like a pig, and started hopping around like a cracked-out rabbit. She was acting more like our friend Zoey than herself, but it was too funny to ruin my fun by laughing at her and making her self-conscious. I made a note in my brain to do things like this in order to get the same reaction out of her more often.

She spotted the tall, blonde mop of curly hair coming down the walkway first. The man was easily six four, if not taller, and built like a linebacker. Personally, I was more of a fan of soccer players' bodies, with their lean muscles, but who the hell gave a crap when hotness incarnate was
right
there
. He was wearing a t-shirt that was a size too small, accentuating the broad, thick muscles of his chest, arms, and back. What surprised me was the big, goofy smile on his face while he made his way up to the booth.

"I'm gonna go over there, okay?" I told Nikki, but by the glazed-over look in her eye, I knew I could tell her I was born a hermaphrodite and she wouldn't bat an eyelash. I stepped out of line, and went to stand closer to the empty booth on the opposite side. The girls in line were going insane. Who knew Calum Burro was the heartthrob of older, horny women?

He sat down, started signing autographs, and talked to his fans, all with a big smile plastered on his dimpled face. Nicole's eyes were frozen to his body. I laughed at the intensity of her glare. I was leaning my butt against the empty table behind me, my ankle crossed over my other foot, when I felt that familiar creep of fabric going up my ass. My eyes were still so glued to the pure happiness radiating from my best friend that I didn't even feel my traitorous hand reaching behind me to pull out my wedgie until it was too late.

"Digging for gold?" the person I didn't see standing next to me, asked.

In a perfect world, I would have turned around and come face to face with a snot-nosed, middle-aged man in desperate need of Proactiv. Oh, how I wished then that my life was based in a perfect world, so my embarrassment would have been apparent, but ultimately, who cared? My ideal Peeping Tom would have been notorious for digging for gold in his nose
and
ass. I could live with that.

Unfortunately, this wasn't a perfect world. In the real world, I peed on myself sometimes when I sneezed and got tickled, I usually farted when I first woke up, and I'd also heard my dad and mom doing the dirty tango in third grade. I swung my head around to look at the witness to my wedgie pulling, when I came face to chest with a very tall guy. I had to look up, and then farther up, up, and up to find the prettiest emerald eyes I'd ever seen looking right at me. They were so bright, they reminded me of the Bright Light toy I had as a kid that lit up the colored pegs magically. Those eyes were set into the most perfectly created face of all time, all high cheekbones, chiseled jaw, and full, pink lips.

Those pouty lips morphed into an amused smirk. "Did you find a golden nugget?" the rich, velvet voice asked me.

"Uh..." My fingers were still pinching the material of my godforsaken yoga panties out of my butt crack, and my face felt like there was a wildfire going on beneath my cheeks. And cue the word vomit. "I wish."

Oh
my
God
. What was wrong with me? The words slipped out of my mouth at the same time that I finished pulling out my wedgie, because I had already gotten caught, so why stop? I was firmly aware that a normal person would have denied picking at their underwear, but there I was going along with it.

The guy laughed, a deep, throaty sound that should be illegal in fifty states, and his eyes sparkled from underneath the rim of a worn-in, green baseball cap that hid his hair. His face was really way too pretty, so it was weird how disarming his smile made me feel. He eyed my flaming blush, and then gave me a convincingly bashful smile. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me," he apologized. "I tend to say stupid shit all the time."

"It's okay. I say and do stupid shit all the time, too." I tried to say as evenly as I could, but I was a humiliated mess. It's one thing to pull out a wedgie in front of Nikki, Zoey, or Josh, my other closest friend, but a hot, complete stranger? There was no doubt in my mind that God was laughing at me right then.

His entire frame, what seemed to be around six foot two or six foot three, turned toward me, with a narrow waist and broad shoulders that blocked any view from his other side. I could tell he was muscular underneath the black hoodie he had on, but his gaze was so intense that I forgot for a second where we were. "Are you here for an autograph?" he asked, with a raise of a dark eyebrow.

"What?
No!
I'm waiting for my friend," I said, pointing at the five foot ten blonde in line. I felt embarrassed for some reason that he assumed I was standing in line for an autograph from a porn star, but really, we were both at a porn convention, so neither one of us had room to judge the other. "Are you here for an autograph?"

What the fuck was wrong with me
, I wondered. I wished there was a version of Pepto Bismol for verbal diarrhea, because I'd invest in it. My awkward social skills weren't a problem when I was around people I knew. They were well aware of the fact that I spouted shit out of my mouth without thinking quite often.

He laughed again, this time a little louder, but quieted down after a second, looking at the growing line in front of us like he was worried about someone catching him laughing. "No, I'm waiting for my friend, too," he said, with a big smile, perfect white teeth displayed.

I wanted to ask him which slut in line was his friend but I didn't. I also wondered silently to myself why such a good-looking male specimen was at a porn convention. This guy didn't need porn to get off, he could easily just flash that perfect face at any girl. I was sure they'd flock to him like he was a bitch in heat and they, the girls, were the male dogs looking to mount. We just looked at each other for a moment, not saying a word, before I nodded and turned back to look for Nicole, who was next in line to get an autograph from the inspiration of the majority of her masturbatory dreams. She grinned then, looking slightly like a lunatic. The girl talking to Calum started walking away, and I saw Nikki's face transform from her crazed look into the confident, assured Nicole that I knew and loved.
Oh shit
.

She leaned over the table to talk to him, voluptuous ass on display for everyone in line to see. A second later, Calum stood up and walked around the table while Nikki started tugging down the back of her jeans.

"What is she doing?" the stranger whispered, leaning to the right, making it so that he was closer to me.

"She wants him to sign her ass," I snorted, watching Calum drop to a knee so her butt was in his face. The girls in line were going ballistic, and I had a sudden fear there was going to be a riot.

He was up a minute later, grinning like a goof, and Nicole looked up at him saying who knows what, until his face turned bright red. She then slipped something into his back pocket, her hand lingering on his ass longer than necessary. She turned and sauntered toward me, her hazel eyes locking on each of the women in line, like she dared them to say something to her. Fortunately, none of them had a death wish, so no one said anything to her.