Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (21 page)

“What’s she talking about?”
  I looked to the nurse, confusion and despair bombarding me.

The nurse came closer.  “Some say that those close to passing have premonitions.  Others say it’s the pain meds.  Take it with a grain of salt.”

I nodded and when J.J. came back in I left him alone with her.  I tried looking for James, but couldn’t find him.  Bumping into Cal and Jane, they were getting their coats on. 

Cal walked over to me.  “She’s having a hard time, but wants to go home.  Do you need anything?”

“Do you think you could swing by my place and feed Chessa?”

“Sure, not a problem.  Stay here,” he nodded and following his eyes I saw James, “he needs you.”

“You have the code, right.”

“I’ll take care of it, Cass.”

I followed James out the back door.  I kept my distance as he walked around the large back yard.  He spotted me and said, “Go home Cassidy.  There’s nothing you can do here.”  I was speechless and watched as he walked back toward the house.  And so it began.

The day came and went.  It was now Sunday, the ninth of March.  I’ll never forget that date, though I wish I could.  A chill seeped in to my bones as I walked into her room for the last time.  James was on one side and J.J. on the other.  The nurse came to me and placed her hand over my crossed arms. 

“It’s time.”  She walked out of the room.  Only the four of us left in the room.

“It’s okay momma.  You can go.”  His words cracked me in half.  “I love you to the moon and back.”

I felt like an intruder as I stood at the foot of her bed and witnessed them say goodbye.  Her breathing was very intermittent and ragged. 

“One lifetime wasn’t enough my sweet, Eva.  I’ll see you in the next.” 

It wasn’t long before her chest stopped moving and a calm came over her face.  She didn’t appear to be in pain anymore and she looked ten years younger.  I didn’t know how else to describe it.  The nurse came in and checked her pulse. 

She looked to me and shook her head.  “She’s gone.  I’m sorry for your loss.”

James didn’t move.  J.J. kissed her forehead and sat back down in his chair next to her bed.  Eventually James walked out of the room, oblivious to my presence there.  I walked to her side and kissed her cheek before going in search of James.  He barreled through the patio doors, leaving them open behind him as I went after him.

He stood in the middle of the yard and stared up at the stars.  The scream that left his lungs had my soul shaking for him.  When he was done, he dropped to his knees in the snow.  I rushed to him and knelt down in front of him.  I tried capturing his hands in mine and he tried fighting me off.

“James, stop it.”  Giving up hope that he’d let me hold his hands I threw my arms around his neck.  He let me hang there for longer than I thought he would.

I heard him sniff as he said, “She’s really gone.”

“I’m so sorry, baby.” 

His arms finally latched around me.  We cried and held each other
until his crying ceased.

At his father’s insistence, we went to the guest room to lay down.  I felt like I was going to fall over, I was so exhausted.  James just stood by the window. 

“James, come lay down.”  He didn’t react in any way.  Standing back up, I walked to him and curled my arms around his waist as I laid my head on his back.  We stood like that for a few minutes and I was actually on the verge of falling asleep while standing.

“I need to help dad with the preparations.  You should get some rest.”  He walked out of the room with not so much as a look to me. 

I just told myself to ignore his behavior and kind of expected it.  He was grieving after all.  I lashed out at everyone after my own mother died.  I laid back down in the foreign bed and fell asleep.

When I woke, I was still alone and I looked to the clock to see that it was lunch time.  I desperately needed a shower and a change of clothes. 
I wandered down the hall, hearing voices coming from the living room.  Cal, Jane, her parents, J.J. and some other people were all sitting around talking quietly.  When they spotted me, all conversation stopped. 
What the hell?
  I didn’t see James anywhere and Jane got up and walked over to me.  Her eyes were red as she hugged me. 

“Have you seen James?”

“He just left”

“What?”  I had the keys to my car and she seemed to understand.

“Smith came and got him.”

“Oh, okay.”  He’d left me here to fend for myself. 

“They’re working on all the details.  The funeral will probably be later in the week.  You should go home.  No one would blame you.”

I knew she was right.  I said goodbye to everyone and headed to the car. 
Driving down the road, I turned the radio off and found the silence deafening.  The snow was falling and as I pulled down my street I saw his truck. 
Please let him be there.
  He was either inside or still out with Smith.  Parking in the garage, I walked in and the music was playing, he was here or at least he had been earlier.  I set the alarm and made my way to the foyer.  I recognized
Whisper
by Evanescence
and I wasn’t sure that was a good sign.  It wasn’t exactly happy music. 

“James?”  I don’t know why I bothered calling his name.  He wouldn’t be able to hear me.  I turned the music down before heading upstairs.  He practically ran me over on his way down and was carrying a duffle bag.  “Where are you going?”

“I have things to take care of.”  I watched as he put his coat on.

“James!”

“WHAT?”

I walked back down and stood in front of him, grabbing his face.  “Please talk to me.  Let me help you.”

“You can help me by letting me go.  I have things to do.”

“I’m not letting go of you.  Tell me what’s so urgent that you have to tend to it now.”

He jerked out of my arms and picked up his bag.  “You wouldn’t understand.”

How quickly he forgot that I knew the pain of losing a mother.  “I do understand.  The circumstances aren’t the same, but I understand.”  He started pacing as I continued to plead with him.  The bag he carried freaked me the hell out.  Was he leaving, for good?  How did I convince him to stay?  I sat on the couch and couldn’t stop the tears.  “Please, don’t do this to me.”

“To YOU!  Are you out of your mind?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”  I tried walking to him and putting my arms around him, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. 

“I just need to be alone and I need to help dad plan the memorial service.”

“I’d like to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”

I didn’t have any fight left in me.  I sagged back on the couch and whispered, “Please tell me you’re coming back.” 

He didn’t say anything.  Just stared at me before turning and leaving.  I was so tied up in k
nots that I curled up in a ball and lost myself in the music. As his tires peeled out of the driveway,
My Immortal
started playing and it was what sent me over the edge.  The sobs shook me until there was nothing left to give.  

I sent him a text.

Please come hom
e.

~Only you

I didn’t get any response, not like I expected to.  Eventually I was able to drag myself upstairs to our room.  The closet was a mess and there were clothes strewn everywhere.  I cleaned up the mess and then took a shower.  I sat on the floor of the shower, not crying, there were no tears left to shed, and just let the water flow over me.  I caught myself dozing off and got up, turned the water off and went to bed.  Alone.

C
hapter
2
1
~
C
oncussion

~ JAMES ~

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Jane.  She bent down and wrapped her arms around me.  “I’m so sorry James.  Is there anything I can do?”

I just shook my head.  There was nothing to do, nothing to stop it. 

“Jane, is that you?”

We both turned to look at mom.  I moved from my spot so that Jane could talk with her.  Moving to the end of the bed I sat and listened to them say their goodbyes. 

“How was California?”

“Oh, it was fine.  Actually, it was really good.  We’re getting married Aunt Eva.”

A smile spread across her face as Jane showed her the ring.  “I’m so happy.  He’ll always protect you.  He loves you so much.  Your life is waiting for you and he’ll be a great partner.”

“I know.  He’s amazing.  I’m blessed.”  Jane started crying.

“It’s okay Janey.  I won’t be far away.”

“I’m just going to miss you so much.”

“Me too.  But someone needs to keep Jason company.  He’s been alone too long.”

Swiping at my own tears as Jane did the same before she leaned over and hugged her.  The three of us sat, sharing memories until she fell asleep. 

“James.  You’re going to make it.” 

I looked to my cousin, remembering the
little girl who grew into an awkward teen and then a beautiful young woman.  She’d seen her share of troubles, but always pulled through.  For me, I just felt like every little hiccup in the road just pulled me farther under.  Was there no end to the heartache?

I found myself going up the back staircase and found myself outside the door of my childhood room.  Opening the door, I found it mostly unchanged.  I hadn’t been up
there in years.  Looking through all the pictures on the shelves, trophies, awards that decorated the walls and outdated posters, I laughed inwardly that my mom had kept it this way.  It was ridiculous. 

Heading to the attic, I found a box and went back to my room.  I began packing everything up.  When I came across the picture of Jason, Aunt Bev, mom and I, I broke down.  I was in my cap and gown after high school graduation.  The glass cracked and I realized that I was holding it too tightly.  I dumped the glass in the garbage and put the picture in my wallet.

I woke up and saw that night was coming upon us again.  I ran down the stairs and into her room.  She was still breathing, barely.  I needed some fresh air and blazed a trail to the patio doors and into the back yard.  I felt her presence, but she was keeping her distance.  She was smart to do so.  So badly I wanted to hurt someone and she was an easy target.

After a few minutes I brushed past her, not daring to make eye contact. 
“Go home Cassidy.  There’s nothing you can do here.”  I would destroy her if she stuck around, just like everything and everyone else who was a part of my life.

The evening passed and it was now early in the morning on Sunday.  The nurse had been administering her medicine around the clock.  Cassidy didn’t give up.  I glanced as the nurse walked up to her and told her what she’d just told us. 

“It’s time.” 

Like a cool breeze drifted through the room, I knew she was gone.  Her chest still fluttered, but she wasn’t there anymore. 

“It’s okay momma.  You can go.”  I leaned in close to her and whimpered, “I love you to the moon and back.”

Dad then told her, “One lifetime wasn’t enough my sweet, Eva.  I’ll see you in the next.”

It wasn’t long and suddenly the pain left her face and her breathing ceased.  The nurse was tending to her and then looked to us and said the words that we were dreading, but anticipating, knowing she wasn’t in pain any longer. 

I had to let the pain out and I wasn’t going to do it in
there.  I had the urge to grab her hand and pull her with me, but decided against it.  Once back outside, I walked to the center of the yard looking up at the sky.  The stars were shining bright and I screamed like I never screamed before.  I didn’t stop until my voice was hoarse and my throat felt like it was on the verge of bursting as I fell to my knees.

She was in front of me
instantly, her eyes almost level with mine.  Trying to clasp my hands, but if she touched me I would give in.  I couldn’t give in to her.  It would spell disaster for us both.

“James, stop it.” 

Mentally, I pleaded with her to leave me. 
Save yourself.  I’m lost.
  Relentless in her feat to let me know she wasn’t letting me go, she wrapped her arms around me.  I was frozen, not wanting to feel what she made me feel.  I didn’t deserve her.  Her hair blew in the breeze and covered my face.  I had no choice but to bury my face in neck.  She was my heaven and my hell all rolled into one.

Sniffling like a baby I cried, “She’s really gone.”

“I’m so sorry, baby.”  My arms finally grabbed onto her as my emotions broke me.

Later we were in
the guest room.  Her arms were holding me as her head rested on my back.  I don’t remember what she said to me and what I replied with, but I left her alone.  I had to make myself useful before things got out of control. 

As I went in search of dad, I found him
in her room.  They were wheeling her body away and again I was frozen.  I watched the scene in front of me like I was out of my body.  Dad had me sit down and I asked what I could do to help.

“She took care of all the details.  There’s nothing to do except to pick a day.  With so much of her family out of town I was thinking Thursday and Friday for visitation and the funeral on Saturday.”

“Okay.” 

He got up then and left me to my thoughts.  I wandered the house for hours.  Around every turn was another memory of her.  It was lunch time
when I got a phone call from Smith.  I hadn’t told him what was going on.  I was a horrible friend.

“Hello.”

“James, I’m so sorry.  Do you need anything?”

“How’d you know?”

“Cassidy has kept me up to date, but Cal called me earlier to let me know she had passed.  I didn’t want to intrude, but I’m here if you need me.”

“Actually, I need a lift.  Can you come get me?”

“On my way.”

He dropped me off at home, for as long as it remained so.  I wanted to retreat, be alone, and focus on other things.  I asked him to meet me at the office in a few hours and assured him I needed the distraction.  Needing something drown out my thoughts, I cranked the stereo.  I selected Evanescence, not caring what song played, just wanting the heavy melodramatic beats they offered.  Taking the stairs two at a time, I found a duffel and began packing
it.

I grabbed the necessities and headed back down the stairs.  It didn’t even dawn on me that she was there until I heard her ask,
“Where are you going?”

I must have passed her on the stairs, oblivious that she was even there. 
“I have things to take care of.”  Grabbing my coat she called my name again.

“James!”

“WHAT?”  I didn’t have the time. 

She marched down the stairs and planted herself in front of me.  Grabbing my face she pleaded with me,
“Please talk to me.  Let me help you.”

I didn’t need and fucking help. 
“You can help me by letting me go.  I have things to do.”

“I’m not letting go of you.  Tell me what’s so urgent that you have to tend to it now.”

Whipping my head out of her grasp, I grabbed my bag and said what I didn’t mean.  “You wouldn’t understand.”

“I do understand.  The circumstances aren’t the same, but I understand.” 

I was wearing a path in the floor.  What could I say to her to let me go?  She spotted the bag and I saw her eyes change.  Maybe I didn’t have to say anything.  She sat down on the sofa as tears poured from her eyes.  She should be happy to be rid of me.  She never wanted this sham of a marriage, she was just trying to protect me.

“Please, don’t do this to me.”
 

“To YOU!  Are you out of your mind?”
  She put on a good show, trying to turn this around, like she was the one losing something.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” 

She tried touching me again and I shook her off.  “I just need to be alone and I need to help dad plan the memorial service.”

“I’d like to help.”

“I don’t need your help.”  Get it through your head.  I’m damaged goods.

Returning to the sofa, she looked defeated.  For a split second I had the thought to plead for forgiveness when she
whispered, “Please tell me you’re coming back.” 

Was I coming back?  Why would she want me to come back?  Did I want to come back?  I didn’t know.  I didn’t know anything anymore.  I walked out the door without another thought.

Heading up the elevator, I was relieved when I made it in the doors of my penthouse.  Hanging up my coat, I took my bag upstairs.  As I disrobed, I saw the bottle of Scotch and it was the answer to my prayers.  I called down to the bar and asked for them to deliver a few more bottles and told them to leave them on the kitchen counter. 

The day was lost to me as I drank myself into a stupor.  I’d take the flashbacks from the Army over dealing with the loss of my mother any day of the week.  I was face down on the couch when I heard my phone chime.  It was now dark and I didn’t bother checking the text message.  Instead I grabbed another bottle and headed upstairs. 

I saw a picture on the dresser of my Blackbird and I remembered the one I had taken from home.  Digging through my clothes, piled in the corner, I found it and held on to it as I sat in my chair by the window. 

“James.  James.  Only you.”

Startled, I jumped in my chair and looked for her, but she wasn’t here.  It was just a dream.  The bottle was sitting between my legs as I took another swig and closed my eyes.

“Please stay.”

FUCK.  “Get out of my head!”

Now her laughter was filtering through my head.  Her smile, I loved that smile.  And who could forget those eyes.

“Do it again.”

Jesus Christ.  I was losing my mind.  Taking the bottle with me, I crawled in bed once I emptied it.

~ CASSIDY ~

I managed to make it to work on time the next day, but it wasn’t easy.  Wearing my glasses, I put on just enough makeup to try to minimize my swollen eyes.  He hadn’t come home and hadn’t returned my text message.  I also tried calling him, but with no luck. 

He’ll push you away.

Remembering what his mother said, I was going to hold on as long as I could.  I was his wife and I wasn’t just going to walk away.  If he needed space, I would try to give it to him, while also letting him know I was there.  There was a knock on my office door and I was stunned to see Jane.

“Hey, do you still have time to meet?”

“Yes, of course.  Are you up to it?  I wasn’t sure if you’d make it in today or not.”

“Same to you.  I wasn’t sure you’d be here either.”  Motioning her
to the chair across from me, she sat down.  “How is he?”  I just looked at her and she nodded in understanding.  “That bad, huh.”

“Yeah, I’d say so.”  I sat down and pulled out my notepad, not wanting to talk about James for fear I
would have started crying again.  “Is it okay if we talk about the wedding?  I don’t want to be pushy.”

“Yes, of course.  Eva would want me to press on.”

“Okay, so on the Fourth of July, at the Benedict.  Are there any other bridesmaids?”

“Nope, just you and James.”

“Colors?  We should send out your invitations pronto.  Do you want a bridal shower?”

“The bridal shower isn’t necessary, but definitely want a bachelorette party!”  I chuckled.  “And green.  Some shade of green.  I know I should go with navy or red, but I want green.”

“It’s your wedding.  Let me go grab the book of invitations from Lena.  I’ll be right back.”  As I went to get up, Lena walked in with the book.  “Perfect.  It’s like you read my mind.”

Lena sat in with us as Jane picked out the invitation and gave us ideas for the flowers.  They wanted the ceremony to be in the courtyard at the hotel.  It was going to be beautiful.  I
was going to make sure of it.  She stayed for a couple hours before she couldn’t handle anymore. 

“Okay.  I have to go.  I’m exhausted.  Would you be willing to go dress shopping with me next week?”

It was going to be a hard week for everyone.  “Sure.  I’d love that!”  She hugged me and then left.

Toward the end of the day I got a phone call from Smith.  He seemed a little panicked.  “Cassidy, I need you to come to the penthouse.  It’s James.”

“What do you mean?  Is he okay?”

“He’s alive, but I can’t get through to him.  I think you’re the only one who can.”