Letting Go (21 page)

But she didn’t much love her lines. The worry ones on her forehead. The ones she’d just found on her neck, hands, and wrists. The ones caused by years of guilt.

Blah. She shook her head. She was not going to stand in this hallway filling her mind with more regrets.

She walked on down the hall and found Justine holding Dani in the rocking chair and Delia looking like she’d just won a double showcase on Price is Right. Some cartoon she’d never seen played on the television no one was watching.

“See, Justine. I told you Auntie Cass was in the hallway,” Delia chanted.

Good ol’ Justine rolled her eyes just like her momma. “Goody. For. You. We’ll just have to call you Encyclopedia Brown.”

Delia launched herself into Cass’s arms while Killer set out attacking Cass’s big toe.

“Good morning, Auntie,” Delia said. “Your robe is pretty and you smell good. Why’d you stay in the hallway so long? There’s nothin’ there but a bunch a’ silly pictures. They ain’t going nowhere.”

How right she was. Cass hugged her tight and smiled at the truth in innocence. Delia was an angel.

“Good morning to you, too.”
 

She looked across to Justine. “You having fun with the baby?”

Justine stared at her for a few seconds as if she weren’t quite sure how to answer and was measuring her words one by one to make sure they fit.

“Momma made breakfast and is down at the 7-Eleven interviewing for a job. I let you sleep in ‘cause she said to. But if there was a problem, I would’ve woken you up.”

Oh, there it was. Justine thought she’d have a problem with Anna leaving the baby for a little bit.

“Of course you would’ve. I wasn’t worried about that at all.” She wondered why Anna hadn’t told her about the job interview. “Your momma tells me you’re on the straight-A honor roll.”

Justine shrugged. “School’s easy. And it’s out in two weeks anyway.”

“I’m going to school next year, Auntie.” Delia beamed as she tugged on Cass’s robe to get her attention.

“Pre-K.” Justine pointed out with obvious derision.

“Only cause my birthday’s late. Momma said.”

Okay. This was going to disintegrate into a sister fight, and she had enough of that with Anna.

“Speaking of Momma’s, has Gran been up this morning?” Cass asked.

Both girls frowned. “Gran doesn’t get up ‘til later. Come eat.” Delia jumped up and tugged her hand.

Cass pretended to be dragged into the kitchen by the little girl. “We’re going to have to enter you in the World Wrestling Federation, Delia.”

That got a smile out of Justine.

“I’m super strong cause I drink my milk,” Delia made a muscle, “but Justine’s stronger. Momma calls her a hero all the time.”
 

Cass looked at the young girl sitting in the rocking chair playing Peek-A-Boo with her baby sister. Yep. She just bet Anna called Justine a hero. Looked like the little girl did an awful lot of the babysitting.

Cass turned back to the kitchen where Delia was unlocking the secret to the fruit smell. “Momma made you some rhubarb syrup, Auntie. She said it’s your favorite.” She pointed to the small pan on the back burner of the stove. “And there’s Eggo’s in the freezer. Momma usually makes homemade, but she had to go get another job today. Plus the Angel Network people give us Eggo’s. And then me and Justine can play ‘hey, who stole my Eggo’.” Her niece lowered her voice to bass as she said the words and then doubled over with laughter.

“And I always lose to Justine. Except one time, the toaster broke and Justine had to dig the Eggo out with a fork and it landed on the floor and Killer ate it and had to stay outside ‘cause he kept fartin’. That’s the day before Gran went to bed and wouldn’t get up. Momma said it was because the toaster broke the floodgates of hell, whatever those are. But we bought a new one at a garage sale, and she still didn’t get up ‘til you came home. I guess those floodgates are fixed now and that’s a good thing ‘cause Momma sure needs a job. I love you, Auntie.”

Cass tried to hide the rollercoaster of emotions Delia’s words brought on. The little girl could sure zing her from laughter to heartache without warning.

Justine must’ve thought so too. “You talk too much, Delia.”

Delia shook her head. “Do not. You don’t talk enough. That’s what your teacher said. I heard him.” Delia lifted her head up and lowered her voice again. “Justine’s grades are wonderful, but she still never talks to her classmates. She’d rather go to the libary than recess and I’m reclined to allow that.”

“Shut up, Delia. And it’s inclined, not reclined. Reclined is what you do in a chair like at the dentist.”

“What-ever.”

Here they went again. “Libraries are fun,” Cass said, trying to stop the argument. She didn’t know what else to say.

“Libaries are stinky.” Delia said wrinkling her nose.

Justine carried the baby on her hip into the kitchen and gave a long-suffering sigh as she rolled her eyes. “Libraries smell like books and ink and paper. They don’t stink, Delia.”

And then she shoved the baby out to Cass without even asking. “Here. You take Dani, and I’ll make you breakfast.”

Cass didn’t hesitate even though she wanted to. This was the first nice thing Justine’d done for her. And even though the baby would probably be just as happy playing in the living room, Cass wasn’t going to chance alienating Justine further.

She held Dani up close, and the baby patted her shoulder with a chubby fist. Cass brushed her hand over the little girl’s silky fine baby hair and planted a kiss on top of her head. “Morning, Sunshine.”

“Morn. Love you.” The little girl let her hold her close for all of three seconds and then started wiggling to get free.

“She’s not Sunshine. She’s Dani.” Delia grabbed a fork for her while Justine popped the Eggo in the toaster.

When Delia’s face exploded in a smile, Cass knew before she looked what had happened.

All three girls welcomed their grandmother in their own ways.

Delia ran across the room singing “Good morning, Gran,” and wrapped her arms around her legs.

Justine grabbed the tub of margarine out of the fridge and beamed as she spoke. “Mornin’, Gran. I’ll make you some Eggo’s, too.”

The baby quit her wiggling and held out her hands with a beseeching cry of “Gan. Gan.”

Cass walked over to the rocking chair. “Here Momma, you sit.” Once her mother was seated, Cass handed her the baby and then kissed her mother good morning. As she did she saw the light blue veins on her mother’s face. The dark spots on her hands as she held the baby. The way she trembled, just barely, but enough. Her skin was way too white.

“Hey Momma. Maybe you can sit outside in a little while before it gets too hot.”

“We’ll see. Come give me a hug, Hon.”
 

Cass leaned down and hugged her mother carefully.

Her momma hugged her back, and Cass wondered again at the demons that tormented this strong woman’s soul.

Justine dropped a plate of Eggo’s on the table with a thunk, and Cass caught her frown before she turned back to the toaster. “Your breakfast is ready, Aunt Cass.”

What happened? Why in the world would Justine be upset now? Oh well. John was right. This was going to take baby steps.

Cass poured herself a cup of coffee and added some milk and sugar then sat down at the table and dug in. Oh man, she loved rhubarb syrup. “Yum. Justine this is wonderful.”

Justine shrugged. “It’s just Eggo’s.”
 

But Cass saw the tiny bit of pride on the little girl’s face. Baby steps. Baby steps. “I like your shirt. What’s it for?”

From her smile, Cass figured she’d chosen the right words.

Justine grabbed one of the tea rose plates out of the cabinet and set it down in front of the toaster. “I read the most books in my class last year, so I won the t-shirt. I won a trip to Hurricane Harbor too, but I didn’t go.”

Cass sipped her coffee and thought carefully before taking the conversation further. She didn’t want to embarrass Justine. She might have won the trip, but it still cost money to go to places like the Dallas area water park. Money Anna definitely didn’t have and would’ve never asked her sister for.

Finally, Cass decided to let it go. Instead, she focused on the shirt. “I love the rabbit and turtle. Do you know that story?”

Justine’s smile blossomed and Cass’s heart caught. The girl was amazingly beautiful with her light brown skin and full lips and deep brown eyes that seemed to see everything. “Momma got me the Aesop’s Fables book last year for Christmas. That and Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I like the fables okay ‘cause they’re important about life. But I love fairy tales even though they’re make believe. Momma said she used to love them. Her favorite was Sleeping Beauty. She says Maleficent is one of the best evil villains ever. I love Snow White because of the Seven Dwarfs and Prince Charming. But Momma says not to set my sights on Prince Charming. She says I need to make my own way in the world, and I don’t need Prince Charming to come to my rescue. But then she says there’s nothing wrong with fairy tales, and I’m glad because I love them.”

Whew. When the girl opened up, she opened up big time.

The Eggo’s popped up and Momma sat at the table next to her after putting Dani down with a baby doll and one of those push toy popcorn vacuum cleaners. Delia grabbed the doll and started telling it all about Cinderella’s Fairy Grandmother, and Cass laughed.

“Remember how that was your favorite?” Momma’s voice sounded almost scratchy. Cass hoped she wasn’t getting sick.

Did she remember? Justine put the Eggo’s and a glass of milk on the table in front of Gran and then brought over a glass of milk for herself before sitting next to Cass.

“I used to read you Cinderella every night because you loved it best. You knew all the words by heart.” Cass smiled thinking she probably still knew all the words.

Justine leaned forward. “Momma says she likes Cinderella, too, because there are so many different versions.”

In the living room, Delia was singing Cinderelly, Cinderelly just like the mice on the Disney movie, and Dani was pushing around the popcorn vacuum.

The perfect moment. Everyone happy. Justine laughing even. Momma smiling. Rhubarb syrup and give-away Eggos.

The only thing missing was Anna. Anna. The sister who loved Sleeping Beauty because of the villain. Who warned her seven-year-old daughter about the dangers of believing in Prince Charming. Who knew there were different versions of Cinderella. Whose beat up copy of
A Streetcar Named Desire
was sitting on the table next to the rocking chair. Who was at the 7-Eleven applying for a job. What a waste.

*****

Anna opened the door and groaned. Dani was playing with that horrible, tortuous vacuum cleaner that always gave her a headache. Cass must’ve dragged it out. Only a parentless person and kids enjoyed that sound.

She dropped her purse in the front closet and looked in the mirror to make sure no one could see the tear marks on her face.

The last thing Justine needed was to see her crying. The last thing she needed was more of Cass’s pity.

Biting her lips to give them a little color, she exhaled, forcing out all the heartache of yet another lost chance at making ends meet, at buying mascara at The Dollar General or birthday presents and Christmas presents and maybe even a little something from the Tooth Fairy for Justine.

Her girls deserved something special.

The girls usually met her at the door but not this time. Not when Cass was here.

Oh get over yourself, Anna. You need Cass. You called her. She’s here.

But when she walked into the living room and saw everyone smiling and Justine even laughing, which somber ol’ Justine never did these days, it took sheer force of will to keep the smile on her face.

“Hey y’all.” Anna bent down and picked Dani up, gave her quick kiss, tossed the blasted vacuum cleaner behind the couch and replaced it with the lawnmower that didn’t make noise. “Whatcha’ doing?”

Justine jumped up like she’d been caught breaking every one of the Ten Commandments, all laughter erased.

“Here, Momma. You sit and I’ll get you some coffee.”

Anna’s heart hurt for a million different reasons, not the least of which was how good Cass looked with her hair pulled back, in that fancy robe, sitting at the table next to their bedraggled momma.

She was going to have to tell Cass about the pills she’d found in Momma’s nightstand right before she made the phone call.

“Don’t be silly, Justine. You sit. I’ll get my own coffee.”

“Did you get the job, Momma? Did you?” Delia’s excitement filled voice proved she hadn’t yet had all the hope sucked out of her. Anna had Justine to thank for that. Now for a dose of reality.

“Nah. They already filled it. Ethel from the grocery store got it.”

“Ew. Ethel smells like mothballs and licorice. And her teeth are so yellow they’re almost brown. Especially that one in front. Why’d they go and hire her instead of you? You smell like daisies and Dawn dish soap, Momma. I bet they needed ol’ gross Ethel at the 7-Eleven to cover up that stinky gas-o-line.”

Anna hugged her daughter tight. “I bet you’re one hundred percent right.”

She sidestepped Delia’s make-believe tea party and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a coffee cup, filling it before sitting across from her daughter, sister and mother all three of whom knew gasoline had nothing to do with why she didn’t get the job.

Thankfully, Cass didn’t know the real answer. But Justine did and it was apparent in the worry lines on her forehead and the frown that was her almost constant companion.

“I’m sorry, Momma.” Justine’s small fingers slid back and forth across the table as if she wanted to maybe give her a hug but wasn’t quite sure if she should.

Cass was looking into her cream colored coffee as if she were pondering world peace.

But Momma, oh Momma. Anna’s heart hurt at the hope, at the admiration, at the belief she saw in Momma’s eyes. It’d been so long since she’d seen anything other than emptiness.

Momma reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You didn’t get the job because you weren’t supposed to, Anna. God knows what He’s doing.”