Letting Go (15 page)

These were the first pictures Clarissa’d ever owned of her mother, and she told Susie she’d treasure them for life. The anger she’d felt toward her mother might not be gone, but it seemed to be on hiatus.

Mackenzie went to Bev’s to stay the night, which left Clarissa awkwardly alone with Jed for the silent ride home.

He didn’t try to talk to her, and she was thankful for that as she watched the fields pass outside her window. When they got to the house, Jed didn’t give her a chance to walk down to the bunkhouse by herself. He drove straight to her drive and then stopped the truck.
 

The urn of her mother’s ashes wasn’t heavy, but Jed still carried it for her, placed it on the window sill above the kitchen sink facing the area the rainbow had been. Until she knew where to spread them, Clarissa figured that was as good a place as any.

She started to thank Jed, to say I appreciate you, but he beat her to the punch.

“Walk with me?” An unsureness she wasn’t used to from him sounded in the undertones of his voice.

She waited a moment, tried to hear the inner voice that led her but there was nothing. “I don’t know, Jed. It’s late and I’ve already taken up too much of your time….”

“Let me take you around to the places your momma worked. Let you see what she did. I know you tried to stay away. This can be a balm for your heart.”

An inner struggle played out in her mind. All the while she heard Mackenzie’s voice saying
you could be my new Momma
. She needed to get out of here before she hurt them all more.
 

But what Jed offered, the chance to connect with her mother now in this way…

“Okay,” she said kicking off her high heels and replacing them with boots before following him out the door.

Fight for Her.

Funny the voice in Jed’s head sounded a bit like Tammy Jo Dye.
 

Clarissa grabbed the stick by the front door. He’d obviously scared her with the snake comment earlier, which was a good thing, he figured, because in the heat the snakes were everywhere.

He held out his hand, and she hesitated before giving in. But she did give in, and that left him elated.

“You’ve been to the horse stalls, so you’ve seen the work she did out there.”
 

Clarissa nodded. “I still can’t get over the change in her. It’s like she became a new person.”

“She did become a new person,” he said, pushing the fence and letting her walk forward first.

Inside the stalls he pointed out the fresh paint and the signs Tammy Jo’d made for Blue and Flower. Blue’s sign was a plain blue board. Flower’s a painted sunflower. Mack’s handprint stained both. Mack had gotten a kick out of that for sure.
 

Next they walked past Moo’s pasture where Tammy helped fix fences. They kept walking after that, and Jed wondered if maybe he should’ve broken out the ATV.

“How far you taking me?” Clarissa asked, not worried, just curious.

“The arbor,” Jed said. “That’s where your momma helped us most.”

The sun was setting in the west, the direction they were headed.
 

“Hold up,” he said, and he helped her climb up to the top of a fence so they could watch.
 

Around them the sky turned brilliant shades of red, orange and pink. And then the sky went grey except for the barely visible tiny sliver of a moon, the two bright stars he thought were planets and the space station.

“Wow,” Clarissa said. “That was just wow.”
 

She sounded at peace.
 

“Wait until dark kicks in. You just think wow now.”

He jumped down and grabbed her waist to help her off the fence. Only he didn’t want to let go when her feet touched the ground. She looked up into his eyes and he saw the same longing there he felt himself.

She bit her lip, and he saw the question in her eyes. He wanted to pull her close, but while he came to the conclusion that a kiss was the answer they both were looking for, she stepped away and cleared her throat.

“So we’re going to the arbor?” she asked, her voice husky.

He took her hand in his and started up the small hill that would lead them to the area he wanted to show Clarissa.

“We’re going to the arbor’s edge,” he said. The arbor is huge. We’d definitely need ATV’s to get through.”

“Wait, you have ATV’s?” she said and stopped.
 

“Too late now,” he said, pulling her arm to keep her moving.

And then they were there. The 888 sign painted over the wrought iron fence a white washed gazebo with trumpet vine wrapped around the sides, a natural flower garden with new potting soil around the edges of gazebo.

Under the starlight he thought it might be even prettier than in daylight.

“My mother did this?” she whispered stepping forward, her hand to her mouth in shock.

“Your mother and José and some of the other hands. But yeah, mostly your momma.”

Clarissa’s heart broke. She’d thought…accused….

“I thought she was trying to turn your daddy into a philanderer. I thought…”

She reached the gate, pushed it open and sank to her knees beside the flowers. “I thought she was wicked and horrible, and I wanted her gone, Jed. I wanted her gone.”

And suddenly she couldn’t stop.

“I wanted her gone and now she is and it’s too late for me to tell her I see how she changed, how she was better, how she wanted to be different.”

She sobbed the words as her heart shattered and then Jed was kneeling beside her, pulling her into his arms.

“It’s okay, Clarissa. Your momma didn’t blame you. She knew what she’d done was too much. That it would take time. She knew, and she was determined to give you all the time you needed.”

She leaned into him, let him hold her her closer.

“You don’t understand. I hated her. You can’t imagine how much I hated her, Jed.”

“It doesn’t matter, Clarissa. She knew it would take time. That’s what she told us. That’s why she started working on this area. She thought it might take a decade to turn it into a place for weddings and such. She thought maybe by the end of a decade you’d be ready to forgive her.”

His words shocked her even more, made her feel even worse.
 

“I want to be ready, Jed. I want to forgive her now. I want to tell her I’m sorry, but I can’t. You have no idea. It’s killing me inside.”

And then she covered her face with her hands and sobbed because as much as she hated Tammy Jo for what she’d done to them, she loved her, too. Before it had been in spite of who she’d been. Now it was because. It was all too much.

Jed pulled her to his chest and whispered words of comfort.

“It’s okay, Clarissa. It’s okay.”
 

But she shook her head and looked up at him. “I’m not sure it will ever be okay again,” she said.

And then his lips were on hers in a kiss that stopped everything.
 

Once the kiss started, Clarissa wanted it to go on forever. She wanted to lose herself in its sweetness. Wanted to forget the pain of the last three days.

She wanted too much.

Jed set her away first, but the smile on his face spoke volumes.

“Clarissa, honey, we’ve got to stop.”

Instant mortification hit. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she said, scooting away from him, but he stopped her with a hand on her knee, and she felt sparks all the way to the ends of her hair.

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m certainly not.” He sounded so offended at the idea she couldn’t help but laugh, which was quite the relief after the sorrow of the last few minutes.

“I guess we better head back,” she said and started to get up, but he stopped her again.

“Hold up. There’s one more thing,” he said.

And then he lay down on the ground and patted the space next to him. Indecision held her still for a moment before she realized this was Jed and he’d never do anything to hurt her.

She lay down on the ground in the crook of his arm and he pointed to the stars overhead.
 

And she realized once again that Jed Dillon was a good man. A good, good man.

Chapter Twelve

That night after Jed dropped her off at the bunkhouse with a chaste kiss, Clarissa walked up the stairs to her mother’s room and opened the bible and prayer journal to the pages on forgiveness. And there on the floor beside the bed, she knelt and asked God to help her forgive her mother and help her find peace and self-acceptance. She poured her heart out to God and told Him she believed in Him and trusted Him with her life. She’d follow His guidance.

After that she slept like she hadn’t in years.

The next morning Clarissa woke to the sound of her cell phone ringing. Caller ID showed Pete who told her the new apartment was ready for her as soon as she was ready to move back to town.

It was like a sign from God. She’d asked for His guidance and the apartment opened the next day. Jed would probably be happy not to have to drive her into town every day.

Only when she relived the kiss she thought maybe he wouldn’t be so happy after all.
 

She touched the urn on the window sill and said “Oh Momma,” only this time the words weren’t sad. They were full of hope for a future doing God’s will.
 

Jed walked in from morning chores, grabbed a cup of coffee and plopped into his chair at the kitchen table. Momma was on the phone, but he wasn’t paying too much attention. He was reliving last night. Clarissa had kissed him and everything felt right in his world.
 

He knew the fight wasn’t over, but he had to believe things were headed in the right direction. Praise the Lord.

Mackenzie was out in the front playing hopscotch, laughing and beautiful in the sun. Everything was working out.

He turned to talk to his father, tell him things were headed in the right direction where Clarissa was concerned, but something was wrong. Paul Dillon’s eyes looked horrified.

And then he heard his mother.

“Joan Anderson, I can’t believe you’d do this to our little girl. Of all people, I can’t believe you.”

When Jed drove her into town, Clarissa told him about the apartment. Instead of being happy for her, though, he said maybe that was for the best in a voice so matter of fact it concerned and hurt her.
 

When they got to the diner two people sat inside she didn’t recognize. Odd but not unheard of for Pete’s.

Only Jed did know them. His voice was hard when he stepped forward to address them.

“Abby, Donald.”

Clarissa watched Jed change from the person she knew to a stranger.

The man and woman sitting side by side looked to be about Paul and Susie Dillon’s age, but they wore an air of sadness about them. Clarissa wondered if that’s what she looked like before Jed and Mackenzie. Before all the Dillons. Before God performed the miracle of salvation in her life.

“Jed,” the woman said frowning at her. “We heard an unsavory story, but we needed to see for ourselves…”

A prickle of unease raced up Clarissa’s back.
 

“My sister Joan called to tell us you’d become close personal friends with a criminal.”

Oh no. Oh no.
Clarissa’s heart dropped at the same time Jed’s back stiffened.
 

“You’ve been absent from our lives for almost five years, and you come back now because you’re worried about whom I might be dating?” His voice held an angry coldness Clarissa hadn’t heard from him. They were here because of her. Why?
Oh, God, please
, she prayed.

The woman blinked. “We stayed away to make things easier for Mackenzie, but we won’t stand by and let you subject her to someone with a criminal background. We’ve hired a lawyer….”

A lawyer. No, no, no.
Clarissa’s heart broke.

“You need to leave,” Jed said, not sounding like himself at all.

The man finally spoke. “You left us no choice,” he said, and Jed pointed to the door.

“You need to leave now. Hire your lawyers, buy a judge, do whatever you think is right. I won’t listen to this.”

Buy a judge.
They were horrible and wealthy, and…
oh, God, please no
.

The two who must be his ex in-laws stood. The woman who looked a lot like Joan Anderson only with perfectly coiffed hair, professional makeup and a stylist harrumphed, and they walked out of the diner.
 

Clarissa thanked God Mackenzie wasn’t there yet. The sweet child didn’t need this kind of turmoil in her life. She turned to Jed, saw him visibly relax for the first time since they’d gotten in the truck to come to town.

And it hit her then. “You knew. Someone told you they were here to stir trouble.”

He wiped his hand across his face and stared out the shiny glass windows, watching them get in a fancy pearlescent white Cadillac.

Once they were gone he acknowledged the truth. “Momma got a call from Mrs. Norene who heard from Miss Topkins who knew because Joan told her. She called Joan to confirm.”

Clarissa was so angry she could spit. “Joan Anderson is an evil woman.”

Jed groaned and closed his eyes. “She’s just doesn’t know when to quit.”

Alarm hit again. “They can use me to hurt you. To get Mackenzie.”

Jed blew out a breath. “No. They left us when Bethany checked out. No way can they convince a judge that they deserve anything where Mack’s concerned.”

But that wasn’t true.

“You said ‘buy a judge,’ Jed. How rich are they?”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said. On one level Clarissa knew Jed didn’t have to be worried when it came to money. The Dillons were obviously not hurting financially. But legal issues were a whole new ball game. Plus, her past was worse than checkered.

“Jed, they’re right about me. My criminal history is published for the world to see. I think someone even wrote a book about me and Momma.”

“It’ll be okay,” Jed said, but she heard his worry.
 

“Jed,” she started, but he touched his index finger to her lips to stop her.

“Shhh,” he said. “Don’t borrow trouble.” The moment dragged on, and she leaned toward him.