Letting Go (15 page)

“No problem, we’re just getting started. For those of you who are new, this is Kelly Riley. Her son Robin will be a senior in the fall and just came out to her earlier this year.”

There were several nods and smiles in her direction. She got situated and wondered how to bring up this new development with her son. Perhaps someone in the group had experienced a love-stricken child and could give her tips on how to deal with it.

“Shelly, you said you had some concerns you wanted to share with the group, you go first.”

“Okay.” The older woman cleared her throat and told them about her daughter taking her son’s clothes and wearing them. Her son didn’t like it and she’d taken her daughter to buy her own clothes, but no matter what she did, her daughter would take her brother’s clothes.

After the group suggested she allow her son and daughter to go shopping together, and surmised there were deeper issues involved between the siblings, the woman smiled her thanks.

“Anyone else?”

“I have a concern,” Kelly said, picking her way through her thoughts.

“Okay,” Matt said, looking at her with a smile. “Go ahead.”

“My son was dating and –” The door opened and everyone turned. Her heart dropped at the sight of Grant. She hoped he didn’t take offense over what she planned to discuss, but no one knew their sons were dating. At least she hadn’t mentioned it.

“Sorry, I’m late.” He placed a box on the refreshment table and joined the semi-circle.

“No problem Grant. Kelly was discussing a problem with her son.” Matt looked at her to continue, and so did everyone else, including Grant. His eyes widened a little and she turned away.

“Well, he was dating and his friend has backed off for whatever reason, and he’s not handling it well. His grades are slipping…” She heard the “oh no’s” and “aww’s” in the group, but refused to look in Grant’s direction. “I talked to him about it, but he can’t seem to shake it.”

“It’s his first time in love, he’s heartsick. It’ll take some time, be patient with him, talk when he wants to talk, and let him chill when he needs to. Try to keep him busy, that’s what I did for Gerry when it happened to him,” a man whose name escaped her, said. There were murmurs of assent.

“What makes you think this is real love? Could be infatuation or puppy love? That happens all the time, even with adults.” Grant said, causing the group to go silent.

Kelly bristled. Was he implying what they had was infatuation? Maybe that’s why she hadn’t heard from him.

“Because my Gerry hurt himself over his boyfriend rejecting him. Just because they’re young doesn’t mean they don’t feel things as deeply as we do. Sometimes I think they feel deeper because they aren’t saddled with all the day to day living problems. They have more time to wallow in relationships.”

Silently, Kelly agreed, although she wouldn’t have used the word wallow.

“Even as adults, relationships begin and they end. It’s a part of life. If this is happening to your son, you can use it as a teaching opportunity. It may be his first heartbreak, chances are it won’t be his last,” Grant said, and she heard the mockery in his tone.

Hurt, she looked at him, but he’d turned away. She thought they’d made progress, that all had been forgiven. Had she misunderstood? The others murmured their consent.

Stiffening her shoulders, she met the challenge she decided he threw out. “I agree with you to a point. If my son’s friend decided he wanted nothing to do with him then fine, so be it. Like you said heartbreaks happen.” She stressed the point so he’d know she was cool with his decision.

His brow rose, but he didn’t speak.

She continued. “But my son and I agree with him, believes his friend is sacrificing what he truly wants to please a family member. To be what that person wants him to be. His friend is sending mixed messages, hot one day and cold the next. This disturbs me and I’m not sure how to handle it.” Satisfied she made her point, she turned to the group. “Have any of you ever experienced this?” She sat back and listened as they shredded the character of any parent, friend or relative who interfered with a child’s relationship in this manner. Out the corner of her eye, she watched Grant. His face reddened and then his jaw tightened. Good. He needed to understand his meddling impacted more than him.

“I thought it was a good idea for a parent to offer advice when asked,” Grant said, his voice rising above the noise.

“It is, but if a child is sending mixed messages, that could mean he or she is conflicted in what they truly believe. Chances are they’re split between trying to please a parent, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and their true desires. It’s only a matter of time before they unravel and disaster strikes,” Matt said.

“That’s what happened to me. I thought we understood each other. We didn’t. One day my son left home and now I don’t know where he is,” one of the parents said into the quiet.

Kelly looked at her hands in her lap. “We all want the best for our kids.” She looked around the circle. “But sometimes it’s hard to identify what that is. With gay sons or daughters, we get a curve ball, the game we thought we knew changes. The rules aren’t the same. Sometimes I ask myself, if my son talked to me about his girlfriend, would it make listening to his problems easier? If he was my daughter wanting to discuss relationships, what would I say? Bottom line, he’s not my daughter, he’s my son, and sometimes he wants to talk about his relationships, not with a girl, but with another guy. I have to treat him as my child, no matter what. And when I see him struggling because of outside interference it pisses me off.”

“Me too,” someone said.

Grant met her hard gaze and turned away. He tried to follow the discussion as it swirled around the circle. Seeing Kelly hit him hard. He’d almost convinced himself he was better off without someone who could blow him off so easy. While he understood why she backed off, it was the way she did it that made him rethink them getting back together. She’d cut him off without a word. If she could do that over this, could he count on her in the future, if they had one? He didn’t know. And with the campaign, his dad pushing for him to be more ruthless, and Blair’s attitude, he didn’t have the energy to deal with her right now. At least that’s what he’d been telling himself the past few weeks, seeing her sent his resolve crashing to the ground. He ground his teeth, he was stronger than this. What were they talking about?

Was BJ sending mixed messages? He seemed comfortable at home. But what if he was just saying what he thought Grant wanted to hear? Hell, he hadn’t known his son liked guys until he saw them that night, how the hell would he know if the boy was telling the truth now? He didn’t. It could all be a ticking time bomb.

He glanced at Kelly again. She sat poised on the seat, back straight and head held high as if she were in a classroom teaching life lessons. What he said to his son was between the two of them, he wasn’t responsible for what was going on with her boy. It was wrong for her to blame him. The more he thought about it, the angrier he became.

“Is it wrong for me to want my son to be a regular guy?” Grant snapped. Everyone looked at him. He hadn’t meant to say the words aloud, but now that he’d released them, he followed through. “I’m angry. I admit it. I’m also embarrassed. I love my son and I’m trying to understand. But it seems as if I have to do all the bending, all the changing. I don’t know if I agree with that. What if this is just a phase he’s going through. He claims he isn’t attracted to all men, just this certain guy. What if I am feeding into what might be a temporary fling?”

He sensed Kelly’s gaze on him but refused to back down. He’s always wanted her to know him, warts and all. Since he couldn’t forget her or move on, it was best she know his true feelings now.

“It could be a fling, but let me ask you this, between you and your son, who has more experience at pretending that everything is okay in a manner that won’t destroy them?” Matt asked and then continued.

Grant searched the faces of the group members; they all agreed adults could handle it better. He didn’t deny that.

“Let’s face it, as adults, as parents; we can handle being angry, being embarrassed and being uncomfortable over all the changes happening in our kid’s life way better than they can. Loving them without boundaries gives them the freedom to express themselves so we can help them navigate their paths. The world has changed from the time we were teens, with the internet, friendships are being made around the globe. Our kids are learning from everywhere, not just us. There’s a lot of information out there hitting them in the face. If he or she does not feel safe or comfortable talking to us about it, they will talk to someone else.”

Grant knew Matt was right, still it bugged him to support his son in behavior he hated. “I can’t stand the idea of him being with another guy.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “At least he doesn’t dress like a girl, I couldn’t take that.”

“Grant!” Matt said, frowning.

“Hey, don’t criticize my son,” a man who Grant knew as Preacher said, frowning at him.

“You’re out of line,” someone else said.

He closed his eyes and counted to ten. He hadn’t thought of anyone in particular when he’d made that comment, but they attacked him and it pissed him off. “I thought this group was for parents of gays. If I can’t express my frustration and true feelings here, where do I go to do it? I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy. I can’t pretend this whole thing doesn’t piss me the fuck off. I … Am … Angry.” He exhaled to bring his heartbeat down. “Is there a group that will allow me to vent so I can go home and love on my son?”

No one spoke.

“Yes. You can vent here. Take about five minutes and do whatever you need to do. And then deal with the underlying issues for your anger,” Matt said, waving giving him the floor.

“I don’t like this. My son shouldn’t…” He exhaled, unable to finish.

“My son says God made a mistake,” Preacher said, his voice a deep rumble. Grant looked at the man and hoped he hadn’t set him off. He was in no mood for pulpit drama.

“He believes he should’ve been born female.” The statement was delivered in a dry monotone voice as if Preacher had stepped outside himself and someone else narrated. “The first time he tried to kill himself, he was ten-years-old. In school they picked on him constantly. He didn’t think he was gay, he just knew he didn’t like the same things the other boys did. I took him to every ministry I could reach to have the demon cast out of him.” He shook his head. “I was convinced he was possessed. No ten-year-old should decide life was no longer worth living.”

Caught up in the story, Grant nodded while thanking God his son had never done anything remotely close. His gaze flicked to Kelly, she’d been watching him. Their gazes held for a moment and then preacher spoke drawing his attention.

“The next time he tried to kill hisself, he was thirteen. That’s when I quit the ministry and talked to every and anybody about why my son hated hisself to the point he wanted to die.” He shook his head, his brows furrowed into a deep frown as if the idea baffled him still. “He was so confused. He didn’t know what was going on with him. When the psychologist told me my son had gay tendencies, I swear I cried for a week. I didn’t know what to do.” He paused, locked gazes with Grant, pulled out his wallet and handed Grant two pictures. Grant stared at the twins, a boy and a girl. Cute kids. The look in Preacher’s eyes made him take another glance at the pictures.

“That’s my son.”

Grant’s eyes widened. Both had thick wavy hair, long eyelashes, light brown eyes, and were small. The girl was gorgeous with a devilish smile. No wonder the boy thought he should be a girl.

“One thing for sure, I did
not
want to bury my child before he had a chance to live. So I changed. I made sure he had a safe home where he could be himself. He still came home with black eyes. One day somebody pushed him down some stairs and he broke his leg. They called him names. But he eats dinner with the family now, is thinking about college and a future.” Preacher’s voice broke and he turned away. “He hasn’t tried to kill hisself in five years… so ask me if it was worth it for me to change… for me to bend.”

Grant nodded, unable to speak around the knot in his throat, unable to look at Kelly. She knew this story, knew the challenges and worked hard to make sure preacher’s story didn’t become hers. That’s what she’d tried to tell him in her office that day. He’d thought she was talking down to him, she’d sounded like a teacher. Hearing the seriousness of what could happen, he understood. She’d been right to handle it that way. He hadn’t listened, not in the way he should.

“We all love our kids, we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t,” Matt said into the quiet. “But we have choices; some of our kids feel they don’t. I’m not going to get into whether a child is born a certain way or not, debating how a person becomes or self-identifies as gay is not the purpose we meet. We’re here to discuss issues that arise because the pool of people who understand what we’re going through is small. You’re free to be frustrated, angry, embarrassed or whatever you feel here. All of us have experienced those emotions at one time or another. But the real value we offer is help through support, understanding, and suggestions that allow you to leap the hurdles life throws your way. In this room there are no queers, no fags, no homos, or any other derogative name society uses. There are just our kids or relatives or friends who love and live life differently.”