Letters to Brendan (4 page)

Vince had to take me to the hospital for better or worse.
He called my mother and asked her to come up to Roseville, to take care of the kids while he was working.

After some days my mom visited me at the hospital, and she brought Betty and Laura with her.
I found it terrible that they should see me like this. Vince
told them and
everyone else that I fell
down the stairs at home. Of course the kids didn`t have any reason not to believe him, but the others?
My mom?
When the girls were distracted for a moment with their colo
ring books, she whispered,
“You didn`t really fall down the stair
s
, did you?”
I shook my head in pain. She looked at me with pity for a long time, but she didn`t say another word. I guess I can`t count on any help from her side. And no one else will help me either.
I`m a
ware
that
the only person who can help me out of this
, is me
.
But I really don`t know what I could do. Flee from Vince? He`d find me immediately. And where should I run to? I don`t have anyone or any place where I could hide. Sure, I could run away alone, run very far, so far that he would never find me.
But with the girls in tow?
And could I really do that to them?
Tear them out of their environment, out of their school, away from their friends, and their daddy? Wouldn`t they hold it against me forever? That they had to grow up without their dad?
Without the girls I won`t go anywhere. Vince would let all his anger out on them.
I`d die worrying about them.
What is a mother without her children?

I must not be selfish. I have to be strong.
If I only knew how.

Oh, Brendan, how?

Rosaly

December 31, 2011

Dear Brendan

It`s the last day of the year. It`s time to make some resolutions. I really, really want to start all new.
I was
never so determined. I
am absolutely sure,
I want to go away. I have to get out of here. No matter what I have to do for it, I will make it. I just know it. Everything`s gonna be okay. And the next time I`ll be writing you, I will be writing from another place.
From a safe place.

So
, look forward to receiving mail
from a new Rosaly, a happy Rosaly. She will contact you soon, and she will be fine. Believe me. Trust me. I will make it. Yes, I will.

And the
n
, when I am finally out of this swamp, when I am finally free, like the wi
nd, like a bird in the sky
, I will see you again. I don`t know if there is still
a chance for us.
But the thought
that there is, is what gives me hope.

I will be the old one again. I will read and sing and
dance,
and I will watch the seals at the pier in San Francisco again.

See you soon!

Yours,

Rosaly

January 17, 2012

My dearest Brendan

How could I believe to ever get out of it?

I had packed up our stuff, just what was most important. I had planned everything.

I waited till Vince had left the house, took the suitcases and the kids, and instead of school brought them to the train station. Vince doesn`t let me drive a car, so I planned to take the train straight to Fremont. I called Wanda – you remember my best friend from High School? –
and
told her my
story. Told her how unhappy I was
here in Roseville
and that
I wanted to come home to Fremont, but that my parents wouldn`t let me stay with them.
If we – the girls and I – could maybe stay with her for a little while?
After she reproached me for never having called her, and after I explained to her that Vince had been against any contact between us, she promised me I could stay with her.
If it was only for a couple of weeks.
I was overjoyed. I told her particularly not to inform my parents.

I grabbed the money I had put aside for weeks, and which I was planning to buy the train tickets with. I looked at the house in which I had suffered so much pain, one la
s
t time, and I close
d the door behind me. I told
Bet
ty and Laura
they didn`t have to go to school
today, we were going on a surprise trip
.

I had called Wanda once more to give her the time we were going to arrive in Fremont.  She wanted to pick us up
at the
train station. We took a cab to the
Roseville station because our luggage was too heavy to walk all the way. And I was mad with joy when we approached the train station. But it wasn`t meant to be. Even from far I recogni
zed the car awaiting us there, a
nd Vince, standing beside it.

“Daddy, daddy
,
” Betty called out.
And Laura asked if daddy was coming on our trip, too. I broke out into tears, whereat the taxi driver asked whether everythi
ng was alright. I answered a silent
“yes” and finally realized at that moment that there was no escaping. I had tried, but everything seemed to be against me.

Since then, I am wondering what I have done to deserve such a destiny. I truly don`t know. And it`s not important anymore. From now on I`ll accept things as they are. I can`t do anything against it anyway.

Are you curious to know how Vince found out about my attempt to escape? Good old Wanda, who has once sworn everlasting friendship to me, has informed my mom right after she hung up the phone with me.
My mom called Vince and warned him.
Later she explained to me that she had just wanted what`s best for me.
That it had been a stupid idea to run away. That running away was never a good solution. That`s why she had called Vince and told him we both had to work hard on our marriage, to become happy again. As if I have ever been happy. I don`t even remember what that word means. But yesterday morning, I was allowed to feel happiness again, just for a second.
This drive, the planning, this feeling of freedom.
It was indescribable. And it was worth everything that followed.

Yes, Wanda meant well, just like my mom, but it didn`t help me at all.

Vince was outraged, of course. But he didn`t beat me this time, maybe out of fear for what had h
appened the other time. Since my stay in
the hospital he`s careful. But he shouted at me bad. He looked at me as if I was a piece of dirt. I was glad when he vanished in the evening, who knows where to. He locked the door
of
the bedroom where I had gone to bed. What if one of the girls called for me?

I`m a terrible mom.
I can`t even look in the mirror anymore. I can neither protect my
children nor myself. I wish I didn`t wake up no more.

Rosaly

February 28, 2012

Dear Brendan

Last night I dreamed of you. We were in Fremont Central Park again and took a walk around the lake. The sun was shining and there were just the two of us and our love. We sat on our bench and you were holding my hand, telling me about your plans to travel America. You told me about the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Statue of liberty in New York, the Native American reservations in Arizona, and the alligators in Florida. You wanted to listen to the street musicians in New Orleans and follow Elvis` tracks to Graceland. And you wanted to take
me along on
all tho
se journeys
.

Later we were inside your little cottage, my favorite place in the whole world. There, no one could disturb us. There
,
we could just give in to our dreams. There
,
we could make love.

When I woke up this morning, I could still feel your kisses on my lips. And even now they are still present.

I wonder if
you still live in that cottage. If not, all my attempts to reach you are in vain. Though I`m pretty
sure your parents will give
my letters
to you
. Your parents were always
different from mine. They were friendly, loving, understanding. They knew what your dreams meant to you, and they supported you in everything you did. I have always wished for parents like yours.

But you know what? I am very sure you are still living there. `Cause I can`t picture you anywhere el
se than in your cottage.
Except
, of course, on the streets, your thumb held up high, with a huge backpack on your back.
On Kerouac`s tracks.
Always towards the next adventure.

How might you be lo
oking now? Do you still have tho
se sweet freckles? Do you
still
wear
your hair long
? Are your bangs still hanging in
your face? Do you still wear those cowb
oy shirts? Do you still have tho
se sad eyes?

I hope so much that at least you found happiness.
Because if you are happy, I can be, too.
For you.
With you.

I miss you terribly.

I will never forget you.

Forever,

Rosaly

March 20, 2012

Dear Rosaly

I know you expected a letter from Brendan. Instead you receive one from me, his mother.

I have struggled with myself for so long, whether I should write
to
you or not. In the end I decided that it is the only right thing
to do
.
Because you have a right to hear the truth.

I have been receiving your letters for almost two year
s now.
I did not o
pen them, because they are addressed to
Brendan
,
and
out of respect for my son I did not want to read the words which were meant just for him.

I have put all the letters on that shelf in his cottage, right next to the frame with your picture in it. Often I was sitting on that old rocking chair,
and often I glanced over to that
pile of letters which was growing higher.

Of course I knew from the start that they were from you, because I saw the sender`s name in the corner. And I remember you well. But I did not want to reply you, because, to tell you the fact, I never wanted anything to do with you again, never see you again, and surely not send you any letters.

But then something happened when your last letter reached here a few weeks ago. I wanted to put it on top of the others, and while doing so, I accidentally pushed down the picture frame. It fell on the floor and the back
flap opened.
A piece of paper appeared. It was a letter.
A letter written by Brendan.
A letter to you.
I will add it to this letter.

However, this letter made something clear to me: That I acted wrong. I should have written you a long time ago.

But now I was released from my anger and
it seemed like someone or something
had woken me up
. Suddenly I could see so clearly. All these years I blamed you for it all. You had left Brendan and hurt him so badly. You have to understand that he was my only son and I just wanted to protect him.

And now I am going to tell you what happened after you left:

You were gone and Brendan wasn`t the same. He changed completely. Where he had always been a very quiet person, he now did not speak a word for weeks. His father and I were very worried and encouraged him to finally go on his adventure trip. As long as we could remember he had
talked about it.

So Brendan packed up his things and he was up and away. But he didn`t make it any further than Texas and was back after only two weeks. He said that he had planned doing this journey together with you and without you it just didn`t feel right.

Once
,
we talked openly and I asked him whether he wanted to try to win you back. He said he didn`t want to stand in your way. You must have left
him
for a good reason and it was up to you to come back. He would never try to talk you into something you didn`t really want, if you wouldn`t do it on your own free will. But would you come back, he would receive you with open arms.

We encouraged him to go on dates with other girls. But he didn`t want that. He was still in love with you. We didn`t know if he would ever get over you.