Letters to Brendan (2 page)

I must not have these
thoughts,
I only destroy myself with them. There is no turning back time. And that is good, beca
use that way I wouldn`
t
have my
two beautiful girls, who have to see far too much pain. How much I w
ish for an easier childhood for
them
.
And
for a happier mom.

But it is what
it is. I have to live with what I have. I have to get up every morning and put on a smile
,
and force myself all day long to go on, not to give up. How many times did I want to leave already?

But no, I will be strong. I will continue remembering us and looking for
t
he girl that is still somewhere deep inside me. And probably one day she
will show up again. That`
s my only light.
And a word from you.

I will be patient…

Love,

Rosaly

December 25, 2010

Dear Brendan

Merry Christmas!

It was a hard day, and the only way to stand it all is writing you
again. Not to load all my heartache down on you, no –
I
want
to get the things that happened today out of my mind and out
of my heart as soon as possible – b
ut to
gain
different kind
s
of thoug
hts, nice ones.
Just to let this Christmas
be
worth something after all
.
Because it is Christmas, the celebration of love.

Most likely you`
re celebrating it with your loved ones, happily and high-spirited.
Without a thought of me.
There will be reasons fo
r
t
he fact that you still haven`t replied my letters. But I don`
t want to thi
nk the reason could be that you`
re happily married, w
ith loads of children.
That you`
r
e much better off without me.
I`
d li
ke to think that the reason you`
re not writing is that my le
tters didn`
t reach you.
For any kind of reason, because you moved away
,
for example.
Although I
couldn`
t
imagine you living anywhere else than in that little cottage
at the far end of your parents`
land, that you already called your home when we were still one. There, where we both lost our innocence. There, where I found warmth and comfort.

I can still see you sitting in that ol
d rocking chair of your grandpa`
s, holding a book by Kerouac.

I gave myself a gift today.
“
The Town and t
he
City” by Jack Kerouac.
I`m pretty sure you
`ve
read it. I`
m re
ally excited to start it, and I`ll
smile at it, `cause I`ll know
I`
m taking in the same words that you did before.

I read “On t
he Road”
three times already and I soaked in every single word with longing. I imagined to be on the road, to b
e hitchhiking through all the
USA, from town to town, wherever the wind takes me.
I imagined
t
o be
free.
To be me.

I hope
you are fine. And even if I don`t hear from you, I`
l
l write to you again. Bec
ause it`
s the only thing that keeps me alive.

You don`
t even know how grateful I am to you. Your existe
nce alone is such
a relieve
. It`
s like talking to a friend. And this friend just listens and nods understandingly, without judging.

Thank you! Just for being there.

Merry Ch
ristmas and a Happy New Y
ear!

With love,

Rosaly

February 14, 2011

Dear
Brendan

It`s Valentine`
s Day.

Vince forgot about it. When Betty, my youngest, handed me a s
elf-made heart-shaped Valentine`
s card at the kitchen table t
his morning, he remembered
.
After work he came home with flowers.
And a smell of booze.
Those were my presents: Flowers and
a punch in the face. Because I`m a “
stupid
bitch”
that
could have shown a little more joy over those
nice flowers. Other women didn`
t even get anything on
Valentine`
s
Day, he said, but I didn`
t even appreciate it.

But I was happy with
Betty`
s
card and
Laura`
s
necklace, that she made herself. I have two amazing daughters, you know. Laura is eight,
Betty just turned six.
And they`
re both so pretty.
Oh, if I
d
idn`
t
have them, I wouldn`
t be here anymore. I would have been up and away for so long. Not that I
blame them, but of course they`re the reason
. Only for them I am standing all this without complaining.

I know that it doesn`
t make me a good mother, all what they have to see, Vince and his fury, me,
crying
in the corner.
The bruises, the plasters, the bandages, the
scars.
The visits at the doctor`
s.
The lies that Vince is telling everyone, his parents, my parents,
colle
a
g
u
es
, teacher
s, doctors.
People must think I`
m
unbelievably
clumsy, as
often as I hurt.
I`
m pretty sure most of them know what i
s going on. But either they don`
t want any trouble with Vince or they find it easier closing th
eir eyes, `cause it`
s more convenient. No one wants
to interfere in our “problems”, this i
s marriage, this is nobody else`
s business.
I had a friend, Patricia, and I am saying “had”
, because she isn`
t
my friend
anymore. She was the only one who was able to see behind the curtain, the only one who confronted me with it. She was the only one who wanted to help m
e. Vince scared her away. I don`
t know what he did, all I kno
w is that she is gone. She hasn`
t called in years.

Especially on days like these I remember you
. And your tender kisses. Vince`
s kisses are brutal and aggressive, just like him. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of you while he and I … I guess “making love” you wouldn
`
t call it.
You,
Brendan,
you
were
loving
to me. And I wish so badly to lie in your arms again and be yours again.
With heart, body and soul.

I would die for a single moment with you.

With everlasting love
,

Rosaly

April 4, 2011

Dear
Brendan

I can`t go on. I can`
t stand it no more.

If Vince hits me, it
`
s one thing, but if he lets
his anger and aggressions
out
on the children,
it`
s a whole different story.

Laura must have
mentioned something in school yesterday about what is going on at her home. What Vince is doing to
me.
Her teacher
went straight to the principal
who called Vince to his office. I gu
ess Vince somehow talked his way
out of it, but when he came home he was really mad. He went for Laura furiously and carried her to her room. I could hear her crying and screaming. After he was finished with her I ran for her and found my little sweetheart crying on the floor. Her back was all red and this morning you could see the bruises only too well. I had to call school and
notify them that Laura wasn`t coming because she wasn`
t well. I sat w
ith her all day and held her,
a little wreck in my arms.

I really think that was my wakening call. I will not accept this anymore.
I just can`
t go on like this. What a childhood is this for my kids? They will suffer a
ll their lives from this. I don`
t know i
f it`
s too late already, but I have to try to save them
before it is.

Please give me some advice. No matter what you think about me or how disappointed
you are in me for what I`
ve done to you, please help m
e! Tell me
what to do.
I can`
t make it all alone.

In
black
despair,

Rosaly

May 4, 2011

Dear Brendan

Yo
u haven`
t answered. It has been exactly one month that I wrote you last, and by now I have given up all hope.

I`
m pretty sure that I would have heard from you, if you had received my letters.
  But all my prayers remain unanswered.
I think this will be my last letter
to you. What`
s the sense in it anyway?

I`
m still with Vince.
After the incident with Laura I was so determined to leave. I even told him so, strong and firm, without a shaking in my voice.
Whereat he told me, I could leave if I wanted to. He definitely
wouldn`
t miss me “useless bitch”. But the girls would stay with him. Should I decide to go I could also say goodbye forever.
So I stayed. I know I do
n`
t have a choice.

Since then he
hasn`
t said a word to me. He ignores me. Spends hi
s
nights who knows
where. I don`
t care, everything is better than getting his full attention.

I realized one thing,
I will have to get used to the fact that thi
s is all there is in life. I shouldn`t expect anything more.
I should finall
y stop dreaming that everything`
s gonna be alright. I had my chance. I threw it away.

Probably I was so lucky
in the
first eighteen years of my life
that it`
s all used up.
T
hat`
s th
e way it is. I am at the end.
I`
m half dead already.
And every day I die a little bit more.

Goodbye
,

Rosaly

August 12, 2011

My
soul mate

Exactly one year ago I wrote you for the first time. And I waited …, for an answer, for a sign from you. But after a whole year of waiting even I have come to the conclusion
that it`s senseless. You won`
t answer me. It`s over.

But I also have to understand that
I don`
t want to be without you and the memories of our times together anymore. And so you are with me in my mind
at day and at night. You, as you approached me that hot summer`s day, with that smile on your lips that could have melted icebergs.
I remember those hours that we spent together in your little cottage, while the world outside continued turning. With you
,
time was standing still. I cou
ld have stayed there forever
listen to you, reading me stories of places we dreamed of together.
What happened that we have never seen those places? Oh, I`m sure you were there and discovered the wh
ole world for you. I wonder
whether you had me in mind while you did.

The only place I have ever been to was San Francisco. And that was only for you.
I will never forget our trip to the big city on which you showed me all the beautiful things that are still buzzing my head, as if it was yesterday. You took me to the pier
, and with
hot dog
s
in our hands we watched the seals. They made so much noise that we couldn´t understand each other anymo
re. But we understood one another
without words. You could look into my soul as I could look into yours, and we knew exactly what the other one needed. I needed you. You were everything I wanted.