Letters to Brendan (3 page)

Then you took me to Height Ashbury and bought me this pretty bead chain that I still have. I take out of its s
ecret place from time to time
and hang it around my neck when Vince is not around, and I feel young again. When you put it around my neck that day, with all the love in yo
ur eyes that you had for me,
I knew that I wanted to grow old with you. Despite my eighteen years I knew that already.

Sometimes things turn out
different than you thought. Who is to blame? 
Your parents?
The circumstances?
Your own insecurity?
And sometimes it`s just your own stupidity that causes you to make the biggest mistake
s
of your life.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but leaving you was by far the biggest one.

I have never told you the reason why I left you. I just told you that it`s over and then I went away. I didn´t even have the courage to turn and see you standing there, sad and abandoned. Without any understanding for what had just happened.

You must have
thought me heartless.
Gutless.
Stupid.
Unfair.
I don`t know what else. But I want to tell you the one thing I was: naïve.

I really thought I had done the right thing.
The best for you.
I let my mother tell me you were not the one for me
. You wanted other things than me
, Rosaly, who was destined to build a family and to become a good housewife.
I truly thought I would stand in the way of your dreams, your plans,
your
world discoveries. Sure, we had dreamed together, of New York, the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone. But to be honest, I couldn`t even imagine myself leaving California. The trip to San Francisco had been a trip around the world for me.
How s
hould someone like me cope with the distance? But
you, you had this dream to hitchhike
around the US, just like Kerouac, and to see all
these places
.
To experience all these places.
All that I wanted was yo
u to live your dreams. And you had to
be much better of without me.
Oh Brendan, I hope my decision was the right one. I hope you made it to all those places. I wish so from my heart.

A few weeks after I had broken up, I heard you were gone.
I have to admit that until then I had truly believed there was a second chance for us. That you would fight for me, get me back,
get
me away from my parents and the prison I was living in. I really thought you loved me so much that you would come for me, we`d fight everyone and still be together till the end of time.
But you were gone.
Without a word.

What had I expected? After letting you down?
Without an explanation?
I had hurt you deeply and deserved it. It
served me right that you went
on without me.
I was unworthy of your love. It would have been too good…

My mom was satisfied that you were gone and it was over. She discounted our relationship as a summer fling, which I was granted to have had before I was entering a marriage with a man she approved of.
From then on she introduced me to one guy after another. I had graduated High School and didn`t have college plans, so in her eyes I was ready for marriage, my own family and household.
I was missing you so much and my mom arranged dates for me with men that I
myself
would have never chosen to go ou
t with
.
But what did it matter? You were gone and there would never be someone like you again. So I went on
dates and that`s when I met Vince.
He wasn`t the best looking one, and not the one who paid the most attention, but he let me breathe. Some of the other guys had talked about themselves for hours, about their new cars and their college and future plans. I wasn`t interested in all these things. I was just interested in one thing: What did they think about Kerouac? You won`t believe it
,
but most of them had never even heard of him before. That was a g
ood reason for me to not date
them a second time.
The ones who
at least answered my question with “he
`s okay”, I asked the following,
“How would you
like it to hitchhike through
America?”

Well, you can imagine it.

After a while I s
topped comparing every man to
you. My life had to go on somehow, even without you. And this is how I ended up with Vince. He was the only one who didn`t tal
k only
nonsense. The only one who seemed to take me as I
was.
He brought me flowers and chocolates, and took me out on
Saturday nights for six months
. According to my mother that was long enough. I`m very sure that she took
him
aside and encouraged him to propose. He did. And I accepted.
Until then I hadn`t slept with him yet, because I didn`t want to stain our
love. But that night I awarded him.

Just before it got serious, in the middle
of the wedding preparations, I
panicked. I realized that this step that I was going to take was final. Should you come back and forgive me, I`d be married to someone else and it would be too late. No, I couldn`t go through with this. I couldn`t give you up. I couldn`t give
up the small chance of a future together with you.
Fo
r days I was thinking of how I could
explain my reasons to my parents and of course to Vince, when I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant!
By Vince.
That was the end of my thoughts of you, and the end of my hopes for everlasting happiness.

I don`t live a bad life, you know. I have a roof over my head
and enough food in the fridge. I have two wonderful children that I love more than anything.
And if there wasn`t Vince, I could fee
l grateful. I know there are
people in this world who have it much worse than me, who are dreaming of a life like mine.
But there is Vince. And sometimes I wish he was struck by lighting and fell down dead.
I know that sounds terrible. But that`s what it is
. I hate Vince and without him,
our liv
e
s
would be worth living. I don`t want to drown in self-pity, but I don`t know how to stand it with him for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, the thought of not waking up the next morning, relieves me.

I know I have to be brave. You would have wanted me to be. So I will be.
For you.
And I will stay alive.
For you.
In hopes of seeing you again one day.
Just once.
Just for a moment. Oh, dear God, how wonderful that would be.

Forever,

Rosaly

September 16, 2011

My beloved Brendan

It`s my birthday today.

My
parents sent me a new bathrobe,
and my girls painted beautiful pictures for me. Vince didn`t give me anything at all. But he had a good day today, neither did he scream nor did he hurt me. And that`s all I want from him.

Now I am 28 years old a
lready. It`s been ten years since
I last saw you. How much I hav
e changed in the meantime.
I was happy, joyful, thirsty for action, and a little beauty then, I now am a bitter, lonely
house
wife. When I look into the mirror, I feel old as dirt. I`ve got dark circles under my eyes, countless scars all over my body and
some
white hair already. Would you even recognize me?

As much as I wish to see you again, I am afraid of it at the same time. What would you say? How would you react?
I`m not good old Rosaly anymore.
Just as you are not the Brendan I once knew anymore.
Sometimes I imagine how you might look today. Certainly you are shining with wisdom from all your adventures and journeys. You have seen much, learned a lot and grown mountain-high. While I
`ve
shrunk more and more. And I fear that in some years to come, the
re
won`t be anything left of me.

I wonder what you would have given me on a day like this. I picture you bringing me breakfast to my bed
, waking me with a kiss and handing me a bouquet of self-picked wild flowers. You`d be a great husband, that`s for sure.
And maybe you are.
The husband of another woman.
Oh, I hope she realizes what she has in you. I hope she deserves a perfect man like you. I know I don`t.

I don`t know how to ever get over leaving you back then. I regret this decision every day of my life. I suffered like hell. But do I really have to pay for it till the end of my time? Is Karma paying me back so b
ad?
Because of one mistake?
Yes, it was a mistake that destroyed our love
, our plans and our lives
, but I was still so young. And my mom had so much influence on me.
Oh
,
God, how can I ever make it up? If there was any way to take it back, I wouldn`t hesita
te a second. And if I only had one
year with you, I`d enjoy this year and
I`d
gladly
die
.

Oh, Brendan, I`d do anything for one more kiss.
One touch.
One word.
Oh, why don`t you answer me? How many more times do I have to say I`m sorry? That I`d give my life for a moment with you?
Please forgive me, my lover. If you still want me, I will leave Vince immediately, and come back to you. I will flee into your strong arms and nothing can ever separate us again.
Never.

But it`s just a dream.
A little gift to myself.
On my birthday.

With love,

Rosaly

December 9, 2011

Dear Brendan

I couldn`t wri
te for a while, because I was in
the hospital
for a couple of
weeks.

There was a party by Vince`s company that all employees were expected to bring their wives. Vince never brings me anywhere, `
cause
he believes that as a wife and mother I belong in the house and nowhere else. He doesn`t like other men look at me. Even though
I`m not as pretty as before, there are still enough men who do. So beside the supermarket, the post office, the bank and the school I am not supposed to be anywhere. But that night was a big one, jubilee of the company, and he had no other option than bringing me along and standing me for
once. I`m well aware
that usually he prefers to be
accompanied  by
certain other women. It`s no secret. He doesn`t hide the fact that he likes curvy Latinas. I can imagine what he is doing on his nigh
ts out, whenever he`s supposed to be
bowling or playing poker with his guys. I don`t care. If he rages himself out on them, at least I get some rest. I`m thankful for every night he lets me sleep.

That night Vince watched me as I got dressed. He threw the pretty little flowery dress that I had chosen to wear in the corner.  He called me a “whore” and asked me how I could dare wanting to go out in this “bitchy thing”. On that he chose a dress for me which didn`t show an inch too much skin. He didn`t allow me to put on any make up and I had to wear my hair in a bun.
As we approached the party hall, Vince changed into a whole different person. He was friendly, laughed with his colleagues,
he
introduced me to everyone in
a way that one could even think he was proud of me.
I knew appearances are deceiving,
and if I said only one wrong word, I would have to pay
bitter
for it later.
I tried
not to talk too much to anybody
, not to look too long at anyone, especially no man. All my efforts were in vain. Right after we left the festivity and sat inside the car, Vince`s mood changed. He shouted at me, what the hell I thought flirting like that with other guys. These were his colleagues, and after this evening they had lost every respect for him. I knew that al
l attempts explaining something
would enrage him even more. So I kept quiet.

As soon as we got home and after Vince had let the babysitter out, he dragged me to the bedroom. He was full of anger and slapped me in the face. But that was just the beginning. I don`t want to tell you all what happened then, it`s too embarrassing. I can only
tell you that in the end I had
two broken ribs, a sprained wrist and swellings all over my body. I had gone through a lot before, but never in my marriage had I ever felt so crushed. Even Vince noticed that something was wrong the next morning. That was when he absolutely couldn`t make me get up from bed. I felt so empty. The pains weren`t even the worst thing, but the humiliation, the desperation, the knowledge that nothing would ever change, that I could do absolutely nothing, that I was stuck in my fate, for ever, all that paralyzed me.
I couldn`t go
on anymore. I just wanted to die
.