Let It Snow (The Hope Falls Series) (20 page)

Jake’s question caught in her chest, causing it to ache with pain. Forcing herself to speak, she quietly said, “Eight weeks.”

“You were two months along?” Jake breathed.

Tessa nodded.

He cleared his throat. “And you didn’t know?”

“No. Not until I woke up and they told me what had happened.” Tessa remembered how terrified she’d been when they rolled her away. When she closed her eyes, she could still see Jake standing in the hall of the hospital, arguing with the nurses that he needed to be with her.

Then everything had happened so fast. Several different nurses and doctors had asked her questions. She had tried to answer them all, but she’d been in so much pain. The last thing she remembered was them calling her name before everything had gone black.

“Did they say why it happened?” he asked.

Tessa had known that this question might possibly come up and had already decided just how much to share with him. It had been his baby too, so she felt it was only right to tell him about that portion of her diagnosis.

Okay, okay, okay
. It was just information. She just needed to open her mouth and give him the information. “It was an ectopic pregnancy.”

“A what?” Jake asked, his brow furrowed above his nose.

“It means that the embryo attached to my fallopian tubes. It never made it to my uterus,” Tessa tried to explain without letting herself get emotional.

“Why did that happen?”

Damn
. This was the part that was going to get tricky. The doctors had told her that she’d been born with a congenital abnormality in her fallopian tubes. Which would have been bad enough to hear, but then they also said that the she’d had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Her fallopian tube had burst. They’d rushed her to surgery then to stop the bleeding. The surgery had been successful as far as they had stopped the hemorrhage, but the outcome had ultimately sealed both Jake’s and Tessa’s fates. She would never be able to have children.

When she didn’t answer, Jake asked, “Was it something I did?”

Tessa stared at him, not having any idea what he could possibly mean. “What?”

His eyes searched hers as if looking for the truth. Then as if a verbal dam broke, words started spilling out of him. “I’ve played it back over and over again. I took you horseback riding after graduation and then we went white water rafting the weekend before. Plus, we were having a lot of sex. You should have been resting—”

“Jake, no.” Tessa reached out and placed her hand over his. “It wasn’t any of that. Nothing we did or didn’t do caused it. There was
nothing
we could have done. It was just one of those things.”

She would never forgive herself if Jake felt any guilt over what had happened. It wasn’t his fault. None of it was his fault. Thinking about him carrying that around for all these years broke her already broken heart.

Jake sat in front of her, silent except for his audible breathing. She would do absolutely anything to take away that tortured look in his eye.

“Do you ever think about what things would have been like? If you hadn’t…” Jake’s voice trailed off.

“Lost the baby,” Tessa finished.

Jake looked at her, nodding once.

As she let out a forced laugh, the tears that had been threatening to rise up and fall began spilling down her cheeks. She sucked in a choppy breath as she said, “Yeah. I think about it. Every. Day.”

Jake’s jaw tensed. He stared at her and it felt like he saw down to her soul. His nostrils flared as he breathed heavily in and out of his nose. Before she knew what was happening, he wrapped his strong arms around her and pulled her against him.

Tessa melted into his solid form. Her head rested on his shoulder as tears poured from her eyes. Her fingers dug into the safety and solidness of the arms that were embracing her.

“It’s okay. I’m here,” Jake soothed her as she sobbed against him. He ran his fingers through her hair, and with his other hand, he rubbed up and down her back. She let go of everything she’d been holding on to for thirteen years.

Pain. Sadness. Fear. Loss. Heartbreak.

She’d pushed it down. Buried it deep inside of her. Now that it had made its way to the surface, she was scared she wouldn’t be able to find her way out of it. That it would take her under like quicksand.

Tessa clung to Jake like he was her lifeline. Because he was. He always had been.

Even in the years they’d spent apart, when life got hard, which sadly was more often than not, Tessa would close her eyes and imagine Jake holding her. Just like this. Whispering that he would always be there for her. That everything would be okay.

After what seemed like forever, just as her sobs were beginning to subside, Jake’s phone went off.

“Shit,” he said under his breath.

Tessa opened her eyes and the digital clock told her that they had been parked there for over an hour. Pushing away from him, she wiped her eyes as she apologized. “I’m sorry. You’re going to be late. I don’t know where that came from.”

“Don’t be sorry. That was thirteen years overdue,” Jake said. Reaching up, he cupped her face and brushed his thumb across her still damp cheek.

She leaned into his hand, loving the feel of his skin against hers.

“I really wish I didn’t have to leave,” his strained voice rasped.

“Me too,” Tessa breathed.

Cursing under his breath, he pulled away from her and came around to open her door. Tessa shivered from the cold as they walked up the short path to the front door. She wished more than anything that Jake didn’t have to leave, but the heated floors and spa-quality shower were not bad consolation prizes. She could almost feel the water pouring down on her as if she were already standing under the pulsing stream of the showerhead.

“Are you going to be okay?” Jake asked as he opened the front door to let her in.

The last thing she wanted was Jake to be distracted at his job from worrying about her. Fighting fires was a dangerous occupation. He needed to have his head in the game. So attempting to put his mind at ease, she curled her lips up into her brightest smile as she said, “Oh yeah. That showerhead is calling my name.”

Need and hunger filled his eyes as his lips turned up into the exact same smile she’d seen spread slowly across his face the first time he’d seen her in her cheerleading uniform senior year. Now it held the added bonus of being surrounded by the panty-melting stubble sprinkled across Jake’s handsome face.

“Showerhead, huh?” His husky tone held just a dab of playfulness.

Tessa felt her eyes widen like saucers and her cheeks heat as she realized what she had said sounded like. “No, not like that! I just meant that I was going to take a shower.”

He winked at her as he shut the door. “Sure ya did.”

“Jake,” she laughed as she planted her hands on her hips and stood in her most indignant stance, but the door clicked shut as his name left her mouth.

She walked up the stairs as she heard him pulling out of the driveway. Her phone beeped in her pocket and she pulled it out. It was a text alert, and it was from Jake. It read:
Have a nice shower…I never thought I would be so jealous of a showerhead.

Tessa laughed. She was tempted to put something flirty back but instead just went with a smiley face emoticon and the same sign off she used to use when she wrote Jake notes in high school:
XOXO
.

‡

I
t had only been twenty-eight hours since Jake had dropped Tessa off, but he felt like it had been a week since he’d seen her. Normally, he loved being at the firehouse. Jake loved his job and he loved the people he worked with.

They’d only had two calls, both of which were medical, and he’d been able to finally catch up on some of the paperwork that had been piling up on his desk. Which was a miracle in and of itself because the only thing that was occupying his mind was Tessa. He kept replaying every moment he’d spent with her since she’d walked into JT’s that rainy night almost a week ago.

Jake knew that if they spent any more time together things would get physical between them. What Jake didn’t know was if that was a good idea or not. His body had voted and it had come back with a resounding yes. His heart and mind were on the fence about the situation.

Logically, Jake knew that even if his heart and mind voted nay and it was two to one in favor of keeping things platonic between himself and Tessa, the second he saw her again, that would all be out the window. Their connection was just too strong, too real, too deep.

What Jake felt for Tessa was so much more than just crazy-strong attraction, being drawn to her like a magnet, or even craving her like an addict craves his next hit. No, with Tessa, it felt like she was a part of his soul’s DNA.

Which was why Jake had no idea how to even begin to process the fact that she would leave…again. The talk they’d had about the baby, about losing the baby, had made him feel closer to her than he ever had—a feat he would have thought was impossible. Sleeping with Tessa—or more accurately, making love to Tessa—would send things spiraling into an entirely different stratosphere.

Deciding that sitting here dwelling on it was not helping the situation or anyone involved in it, Jake decided to get the hell out of his office, which he’d been holed up in for hours. Things were quiet at the station house. It was two a.m., and the guys on his crew were upstairs sleeping. He knew he should really try and get some sleep as well, but every time his head hit the pillow, sleep was the furthest thing from his mind. All he could think about was the blond-haired, blue-eyed girl who had stolen his heart all those years ago and still owned it.

Pushing through the swinging kitchen door, Jake stopped short when he saw Chris sitting at the large communal kitchen table. He was staring down at the phone he was holding in his hand. He hadn’t seemed to notice Jake walking in.

For a split second, Jake felt as though he might be intruding on a private moment, but before he could turn and walk out, Chris looked up and saw him.

“Hey.” Chris’s voice was weak and his skin pale, apparent even though the only light source came from the moonlight shining in through the kitchen window.

“You all right, man?” Jake asked. The flu had been going around, and if Chris was coming down with it, he needed to get the hell out of the station before he got everyone sick.

“I just”—Chris swallowed hard—“got some news.”

Even though Jake wasn’t a betting man, he would wager that he already knew the answer to this. He asked anyway. “Is everything okay?”

Chris stared back down at his phone. In a monotone, zombie-like groan, he said, “She’s pregnant.”

“Who’s pregnant?” Jake had no idea that Chris was seeing anyone. Seriously, that is.

Chris let out a huff as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Sydney.”

Jake still had no idea who Chris was talking about.

Chris must have read the confusion on Jake’s face because he explained, “That brunette that I’ve been hooking up with for the last few months.”

“Oh, right.” Jake remembered seeing Chris leave JT’s with the same brunette several times.

“I just… I always wanted to be a dad, but I didn’t want it to happen like this.” Chris sounded tortured. “I mean, I like Sydney well enough. But, I barely know her. Most of the time we’ve spent together has been in bed, and I don’t even think I’ve been around her when I haven’t had a decent buzz on. Now we’re going to be parents?!”

“Look.” Jake pulled out a chair and took a seat across from Chris. “This may not be what you planned, but it’s happening. So my advice, not that you asked for it, is to be as supportive as you can to Sydney. She’s having your baby. Spend some time with her, preferably when you’re not intoxicated. I mean, you’ve got nine months before the kid’s here. Getting to know the mom would be a good use of that time. What’s done is done. All you can change is the present and future.”

Chris looked at Jake like he’d just grown another head. “Who are you and what have you done with Jake?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Jake pushed off his chair. He didn’t need Chris giving him a hard time when he was just trying to help.

“I’m serious, Chief. That was deep. And also really good advice. I was expecting you to give me shit about this. I figured you would say it was my own fault or hadn’t anyone told me about the birds and the bees. But you didn’t.” Chris stood with renewed energy. “Thanks. I’m going to go call her back.” And with that, he left the kitchen area.

“I’m not always an asshole,” Jake said under his breath as he opened the fridge to look for leftovers.

Pulling out some guacamole dip, he grabbed a bag of tortilla chips and leaned against the tiled counter top. Chris was going to have a baby. His sister was going to have a baby. Was something in the water?

Growing up, Jake had figured that by this age he’d be a dad. Have been a dad for years by now. He remembered that in second grade, his class had been asked to write a paper on what they wanted to be when they grew up. It would have made sense that he would have written that he’d wanted to be a firefighter. Or if not that, then an astronaut, a doctor, a cowboy, a baseball player, or something that little boys dream about being. But no. Jake’s paper was titled: When I Grow Up I Want To Be A Dad.