Lessons of the Past (8 page)

“Thanks,” I mumbled. She left the room and Lane stared at me.

“I need to get dressed.”

He pointed. “Bathroom is right there. I’m not leaving in case you need me.”

I nodded and he helped me out of bed.

Once I was dressed, Lane swung by the pharmacy then took me home. He had to be the best friend in the world. I loved him so much and would need to come up with a way to thank him.

“I love you. Thank you for everything,” I said, dropping onto my bed.

“You look better.” He sat down beside me. “You looked awful this morning. And you wouldn’t stay awake. I was scared shitless.”

“You’re my hero. Seriously, thank you. But with that being said, please go home. I’m still contagious and I don’t want you to get sick.”

He wrinkled his nose and stood. “I’ll stay in the living room. What if you need me?”

“No.” I hated that I had intruded on his entire day. “Please. Just go home. I feel bad enough. Besides, this medicine makes me so sleepy.”

He sighed and stared at me. “Fine.”

I grinned. “I love you, Lane.”

“I love you, too.” He bent down and kissed my hair. “I’m plugging your phone into the charger. Call if you need me. Don’t text.”

“Yes, sir.”

He rolled his eyes and left.

***

Pounding on the door woke me some time later. I lay there for a minute, letting my mind catch up and listening to see if it was in fact knocking on my door and not a neighbor’s.

The knocking continued, so I slowly tossed the covers off and got up. Ambling down the hall toward the living room, I unlocked the door and opened it to see Javier standing on the other side, arms crossed. He looked pissed and concerned at the same time.

“Hi,” I offered weakly.

He uncrossed his arms. “Can I come in?”

I stepped aside. “I’m still contagious, but sure.”

He walked inside and tossed his cap on the table. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m a lot better.” He nodded, but didn’t make any moves to come closer.
What the fuck is his problem?
“I spent the day getting fluids pumped into me and I’m on anti-nausea meds.” I flopped down on the couch. “They make me really sleepy, though.”

Javier nodded again and moved my feet to sit down. He placed them on his lap and began massaging my instep. “Mmm. That feels really good.”

“I’m glad.” He wasn’t looking at me, only my feet. Something was off, and I had no idea what.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He looked in my direction, eyebrows scrunched. “What?”

“You’re barely speaking and you won’t look at me.”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

Yanking my feet out of his grasp, I sat up. “Then tell me about it.”

He scrubbed both hands over his face and through his hair. “Fuck.” He stood and I knew whatever he had to say was bad. “I couldn’t be there for you. At all.”

“It’s okay. I wasn’t by myself, and even if I were, I’m a big girl.”

“Exactly.” He threw his arms out in front of him. “Some other guy was there for you!”

I had no idea what to say, so I went with, “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” He began pacing. “It’s not fine at all. I want you. Fuck. But I’m being selfish. I just don’t know…”

I knew exactly where this was going. “Don’t know what?” I questioned icily.

“I just don’t know if I should be this selfish. I don’t think I should.” He turned to look at me, regret marring his face.

I didn’t want to hear him, too tired to listen. I already knew what was going to happen. I stood and walked to the door. “You need to leave.”

“Al—”

“Don’t,” I cut him off. “We both know where this conversation is headed. I’m just saving us time.” I opened the door, a tear falling from my eye.

He closed his eyes and nodded before walking toward me. “I’m sorry,” he said before walking out.

I slammed the door and sank to the floor. Letting my head fall back, I tried to process what had just happened. Neither of us had said we were over, but it was pretty clear. Since he couldn’t be there for me, he’d rather just end it.

I already felt like shit, now I felt shittier, but instead of sadness, another emotion was taking over: anger. I felt so angry.

I got up and trudged toward my room. I was not going to waste another tear over him. We hadn’t even gotten started, yet we were finished.

Fine by me.

Not really, but I’d keep telling myself that until it was true. I crawled in bed as my phone beeped from the nightstand.

Unknown: Join us at The Underground this Friday. Local folk rock band Gateway will be performing at 8.

I scowled and was about to toss my phone when it beeped again.

Javier: I’m sorry. I really am. And I hope you feel better.

Thursday came and went without any contact from Javier. By Friday, I was feeling almost normal and had even sat through his class.

After he dismissed class, he called my name, but I pretended not to hear him and kept walking. The truth was, I didn’t want to hear him say it was over. I
knew
it was, but this way, I could live in denial a little longer. It was why I had kicked him out instead of listening to him.

Childish and immature? Yes. Did that stop me? No.

I walked into the student union, finally hungry, and ordered a slice of pizza. After I gathered up a couple packets of parmesan cheese, I found a table.

Two seconds later, Courtney sat down next to me. “I’m so glad you are feeling better. I need to get out. Let’s do something tonight.”

“Hello to you, too,” I said. “I’m game for going out. But I don’t want to go to a party or anything.”

“Awesome!”

I remembered the text I had received late Wednesday night. “This coffee shop I go to sometimes is having a concert tonight, wanna go?”

“At a coffee shop?” she asked, looking confused.

“Yeah. I promise, it’ll be fun.”

“Okay, I’m game.”

“What are you game for?” Lane asked, taking the seat across from me.

“We are going to a small concert tonight, wanna go?”

He bit into his crunchy taco. “Nope.” He chewed and swallowed. “I have plans with Mark and Greg.”

“Doing what?” Courtney questioned.

“Drinking. I don’t know.”

“Well,” I said, “Courtney and I are going to The Underground if you change your mind.”

“That coffee shop you dragged me to once?”

“Yes. You loved it.” I tore a piece off my pizza and popped it into my mouth. Chill bumps danced along my spine and the hairs on my arm prickled. I knew Javier had to be close. My body always reacted to his presence. I glanced to the left, noticing an ass I’d know anywhere walking away. I hated that my body was so in tune to him.

Lane grimaced. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

***

Unlocking my apartment, I heard, “Hey, beautiful,” from down the hall. I already knew who it would be by the sound of his voice. “Stephen. How are you?”

“I’d be better if you’d let me take you out on that date we discussed a week or so back,” he said, coming closer.

I laughed and rolled my eyes, but I was flattered he still wanted to take me out. Stephen was a really great looking guy with short, blonde hair and green eyes. “Look…I’m just not in the place for that. But…my friend Courtney and I are going to The Underground tonight for a small concert.”

“The Underground?”

“It’s a small coffee shop slash bar in Freeland. Wanna come?”

He crossed his arms. “Sure. But only so I can spend more time with you.”

I smiled. “Great. Be ready at seven.” I opened my door. “Bye.”

“Bye, beautiful.”

***

Courtney poured herself a glass of wine as I sat on the couch, scrolling through TV channels. “I think you need to dress slutty,” she declared.

“What?” I asked, shifting to look at her. “Why the fuck would I want to dress slutty?”

She picked up her glass and walked to the couch. “Because the smokin’ ass in 2B is coming with us.”

I pursed my lips for a second as I looked at Courtney. “He just asked me out, he didn’t ask for sex. And this is a group thing now, not a date. Besides, if he only wants me because I’m dressed like that, I don’t want him.” I only wanted Javier. Who may or may not want me. I had no clue, and was being too petty to talk to him.

She took a swig and studied me. “Do you not like him?”

“I like him.”

“No. I mean, do you not want to get laid? I think maybe it’s been so long that you’ve forgotten how great it can be.”

“
Can
be,” I stated. “It can be
not
great, too.” I got up, deciding I needed some wine as well.

She grabbed the remote as I walked by. “Whatever. You’ve been pissy since you got sick.”

She was the one being a bitch, not me. “I have not!” I picked up the bottle and poured some in a glass. “I’m going to get dressed.” When I walked in between her and the TV, I finished with, “And not in anything slutty. I can’t fit into your clothes anyway.”

She laughed and threw a pillow at me. “Takes a slut to know one.”

While walking down the hallway, I heard my phone buzz from my room. Something in my gut told me exactly who it would be. Shakily, I placed my glass on the nightstand and picked up the phone.

Javier: We NEED to talk.

I knew we needed to talk, but I just wasn’t ready. The truth was, he had already gotten under my skin and I didn’t want to let him go. But I knew he’d already let me go. He didn’t have to say it for me to know.

Me: I have plans. And everything that needed saying has already been said.

That was as good as I could do. I just couldn’t do it face to face.

Picking up the glass, I downed the rest of the wine and strode over to my closet. Maybe Courtney was right. Maybe I did need to slut it up a little. I didn’t want to do it for Stephen, though. I was doing it for me.

After digging through my clothes for twenty minutes, I found the perfect top. It was bright purple and form fitting with a deep, plunging neckline. It basically stopped below my breasts, but didn’t reveal anything. Not really. Maybe a little.

I paired it with a pair of black skinny jeans and black, shimmery, wedge flip flops. The outfit showed off all the right curves and made me look sexy. I loved it.

Forty-five minutes later, Courtney walked into my room as I was applying my lip gloss.

“Holy shit! You look sexy,” she exclaimed, coming to stand beside me.

“You really think so?”

“Fuck yes!” She scanned me from head to toe. “I love the hair. The guys will be putty in your hands.”

I checked my appearance one more time, loving my long hair and how it curled at the ends. My hazel eyes were set off by smoky eye makeup and big hoop earrings finished the look.

“You look great, too. When did you change?” I asked, noticing Courtney’s casual yet sexy pink dress.

“When you were in the shower.” She touched up her lipstick then smacked her lips. “When is sex pants getting over here?”

I giggled. “Stephen should be getting here any minute.”

“And you really don’t want him?”

“As a friend, but nothing else.” I tugged on the hem of my top, adjusting it to where I wanted. “Let’s have another glass of wine while we wait on him.”

“‘Kay,” she replied as we left the room. I picked up my phone on the way out and noticed I’d missed another text.

Javier: No, we have not. I know what you are thinking and that is not it at all.

Whatever, I didn’t have time for his shit. The look on his face and the words he’d said, along with what I wouldn’t let him say, spoke volumes. He couldn’t handle having an affair.

I wasn’t sure I could either, but I still wanted him.

A light knock rapped on the door and I froze. For an instant, I freaked, thinking it could be Javier, but then remembered Stephen.

“Will you get that?” I asked Courtney, searching for my clutch.

“Sure,” she answered, and opened the door. “Hi. I’m Courtney.”

“Stephen.” He walked through the doorway. “Hey, beautiful.”

“Hi, Stephen. Give me one sec,” I said, placing my phone in the clutch I’d found.

“No problem.”

“Want some wine?” Courtney asked, filling the empty conversation.

Stephen shook his head. “I’m fine, but thanks.”

“Ready?” I chirped. They both nodded and we left the apartment. Courtney volunteered to drive and I let Stephen sit up front. I knew he didn’t really like it, but he would’ve been cramped in the small backseat.

The conversation was filled with Courtney telling Stephen drunk stories about us, me trying to deny them, and Stephen sharing some of his own. Apparently, he was really crazy back in high school.

“How did you find out about this place?” Courtney asked as we found a parking space.

I pointed to the building. “The bookstore. I came here to look at their used collection, hoping to find something good or Indie, and stumbled upon the sign. The coffee is so good, and of course it’s a bar, too.”

“How does that work with a bookstore being over a place that has live bands?” Stephen questioned.

“They close early on Friday and Saturdays.”

“Oh, makes sense.”

“Yep,” I said, walking down the brick steps. “The best part is that most college students don’t come here. This is more of a local place.”

Stephen arched an eyebrow at me. “You don’t like hanging out with other college students?”

“She’s against fun,” Courtney chimed in.

I rolled my eyes. The last time I’d been here, I’d had a lot of fun.
Damn it! Don’t think about him!
“Whatever. I do, it’s just different than your type of fun.”

Stephen chuckled but didn’t say anything else as we found a small leather couch and table. I tried to sit on the side, thinking Courtney would take the middle and hopefully hit it off with Stephen, but he sat there instead. “This place is kinda cool.”

“Right?”

The band began setting up their equipment and the seats began to fill up. Most of the occupants looked older than college age, but no older than early thirties. Some were there on dates, others with a group of friends. I couldn’t help but feel a little happy. This was way more my scene than a party—or, even worse, a frat party.