Lessons in Gravity (Study Abroad #2) (27 page)

Not wanting this to be over.

“Maddie.” Javier’s breath tickles my skin.

“Javier,” I sigh, grinning.

“The songs,” he breathes. “The ones I’ve been writing—they’re all about you, Maddie. The ones I played for you yesterday. Since I met you I’ve had this burst of creativity. It’s like you turned on this spigot inside me. I’ve never been more inspired than when I’m writing about you.”

Chapter 21

Javier

All morning I wondered if I should tell her. I know she’s scared, but I feel like she deserves to know.

I felt telling Maddie that she’s inspired me like no one else has might put to bed some of the lies she’s been telling herself.

Namely, the lie that she’s somehow defective and isn’t special, isn’t wonderful or wanted. That she isn’t an incredible human being.

This morning I woke up and Maddie was in my bed, curled against me, the warmth from her skin seeping into my own. I buried my face in her hair, inhaling the scent of her coconut shampoo as I smiled, hard. And kept smiling.

Happiness filled me to the brim, until I thought I might explode. I’ve lived in this flat for a few months now. But it hasn’t felt like home until this morning, when I woke up next to Maddie and started thinking about what I could make her for breakfast. Holding her in my arms, I felt like I was finally, finally home. Like I finally found my belonging.

I thought, over and over as I laid there next to her, about how my heart is going to break into a million fucking pieces when she leaves. She’s a great girl, and I don’t want to fucking let her go.

I thought about her—about us—for a long time. Maddie slept while my mind whirled. I thought and I thought, my heart swelling in my chest, I thought about kidnapping her and keeping her here in Madrid, I thought about flying across the Atlantic to see her in America. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to let her go. Maybe there’s a way we could try to make this work, even if she does have to return the states next semester and help out her mom pack up the house.

It’s worth a try. This—us—it’s so very good, and it’s worth fighting for. I want to fight for us. She helps me feel at home, she helps me write. She helps me feel whole, like I finally found the other half of my being I didn’t even know was missing.

I don’t know when I began to believe that Maddie and I actually have a shot at forever, but the thought of being with her—setting down roots with her—it makes my entire being soar.

I look at her now, face flushed, bright blue eyes sated and wet. Her smile fades as her gaze searches mine. She’s breathing hard, her dark hair swirled into a halo around her head.

She places the palm of her hand on my breastbone, right over my wildly beating heart.

“Say it again,” she breathes.

“All those songs I’ve been writing,” I say, brushing my lips against her collarbone. “They’re about you, Maddie. All of them.”

She tugs at her bottom lip with her teeth. I can tell she’s trying not to smile.

“Are you saying that because we just made sweet, sweet love?”

I grin. “It was pretty sweet, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” she says. “It was.”

I cant my hips, pulling out of her, and she winces.

“Shit!” I say. “Shit, did I hurt you?”

“I’m just a little sore. Here, lemme get cleaned up.”

“Sure,” I say, rolling onto my side so she can get up. I watch her hurry to the bathroom, ducking when she runs past a window.

I hope she doesn’t shut me down when I tell her what I’m thinking.

I hope she’ll give us a chance.

I get up, too, and make my way to the kitchen so I can toss the condom in the trash.

I hear the toilet flush, and Maddie emerges from the bathroom a second later. She smiles when she sees me.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hey,” I reply. I reach for her, and she lets me pull her close, her breasts pressed against my chest.

She traces a fingertip across my collarbone. I shiver.

“You okay?” she asks.

“Maddie,” I say. “I want to be with you.”

She looks down at her finger, her smile contracting.
 

“Look. I know you have to go back soon and help your mother get the house together. She needs you, and I get that. I want you to be with her. But we can still make this work.”

“Javi,” she says, blinking. “C’mon.”

“I’m serious,” I say. “Obviously we’ll be together while you’re still here. And when you go back to Atlanta—then we can fly back and forth. I’ll pay for it. I don’t mean to flaunt my money, but I’ve got plenty of it after touring with Juan. You can come here during your breaks, and I could fly to you between gigs with my band. Perhaps you can come back to Madrid for a semester next year? Or during the summer? And you keep saying how you’d like to come back to Spain anyway for your graduate studies. Whatever it takes, Maddie, I’ll do it. I’m willing to give us a shot. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.”

Maddie looks up at me, biting her bottom lip. The look of hope in her eyes makes me feel like I’m flying and falling, all at once.

“You really think that?” she says.

“I do. I really do. We have to try, Maddie. This—what we have—it’s too good not to. Let’s see where this goes. Please.”

She swallows, an audible sound. “I don’t know, Javi. I mean. That’s a lot of travel, and a
lot
of money. And my dad definitely won’t pay for me to spend a summer or another semester here—”

“I will,” I reply. “I’ll pay for it. Whatever money you need, it’s yours.”

“That’s lovely of you. Thank you, Javi. Really. But what if you invest all this time and money in me, and I end up sucking at it? The relationship stuff, I mean. You deserve the best. You deserve someone who is going to treat you well.”

I tuck her hair behind her ear. “You are the best, Maddie. I think you’d be really great at the relationship stuff. You’ll never know if you don’t try. I’m asking you to try with me. If only because the sex is fucking hot as hell.”

She scoffs. “It really is awesome, isn’t it?”

“Best I’ve ever had.”

“Me too,” she says.

“So try with me,” I say. I cup her face in my hand, using my thumb to wipe a stray eyelash from her cheek. “Please.”

Maddie searches my eyes. Her smile, tentative, broadens, lighting up her entire face. My pulse thumps.

Holy shit.

She’s actually going to say yes. Maddie Lucas, the girl who was only looking for a one night stand, the girl who was too scared to let anyone in, is going to give me a chance to show her she deserves happily ever after. To show her that it’s real.

She opens her mouth to speak at the same moment the sharp blare of my ringtone fills the kitchen.

I groan. “Sorry.”

“You don’t need to answer it?”

“Whoever it is can wait.”

After a beat the ringing stops, thank God.

“So.” I clear my throat. “What were you about to say?”

“I was going to say—”

We both start at the sound of a small, innocuous
ping
.

I glance down at the counter beside us. Maddie turns her head to look, too. My phone is there, lit up with alerts.

My stomach plummets when I see María Carmen’s name. Not only did she call; she also left a voicemail and sent a text.

I miss you, too, Javier. Too much. I broke up with Pedro last night. Call me when you get this. I need to see you.

Oh no. No no no no.

Maddie goes still in my arms.

“Maddie,” I say slowly. “It’s not what you think.”

She blinks. Her eyes widen in horrified disbelief.

“What did you just say?” she asks.

“I swear to you, Maddie, it’s not what you think. I told you before, I’m not interested in Carmen—I want try making a relationship work with
you
, not her—not Carmen—”

She puts her hands on my chest and pushes me away.

I spin around, panic hammering at my temples as I watch her mount the stairs.

“Maddie!” I shout. “Wait, please, let me explain.”

“Explain what?” She leans over the handrail. “That you lied to me? Told me you wanted me instead of Carmen so you could get laid?”

I draw back. “What? That doesn’t even make sense.
You
came to
me
yesterday—”

“It makes perfect sense!” she says. “Why would she be calling you and texting you and leaving you voicemails if you told her you didn’t want her? Carmen isn’t the kind of girl that does the chasing. She likes to be chased. And you’ve been chasing her this whole damn time, haven’t you? Going after her while you’re telling me that I’m the one who ‘inspired you’. That I’m the one you want to ‘try the relationship thing’ with. You’re a liar, Javier. A big fucking liar.”

“What? Wait.” I grab my sweatpants from the floor and tug them on. I head for the stairs. “Wait, Maddie. That’s not true, and that’s not fair. You’re overreacting. That text—Carmen—she doesn’t mean anything to me. If you’d just let me explain what you saw—”

I take the stairs two at a time. Maddie is in my bedroom, digging at the sheets. She finds a shirt, tugs it over her head; she finds her leggings, one sock, her shoes.

“Please,” I say, my voice cracking. “Please, Maddie, give me two minutes, I swear to you I’ll make this right. Let me explain. I don’t want Carmen. She doesn’t—”

“Fuck you,” she spits. Maddie is already moving out of the bedroom, her footsteps light on the stairs.

I follow her, shoving my arms into a sweater.

I follow her, but I know she’s already gone.

I know I’ve lost her.

***

I watch the taxi’s tail lights disappear down the street, its tires crunching against the icy pavement. I see the back of Maddie’s head sway when they hit a pothole. I hope she’s warm enough; she forgot her coat.

I’m breathing hard, the frigid air knifing my lungs.

She’s gone.

Maddie is really gone. Her laugh and her body are gone.

Inside my skin my blood burns. My eyes—they burn, too. Closing them, I turn and ram my first into the door.

Pain blares from my knuckles up into my arm. I bite back a cry. I’m such an idiot. A huge fucking idiot.
 

I need a cigarette. Now.

I bolt upstairs and, finding my phone, shoot off a text.

I’m waiting outside my building, hands shoved in the pockets of my jacket, when Leo arrives.

“
Ha
-lo my friend,” he says.

“Hey,” I say. I hold out my hand. “Please.”

“Is this he certain?” Leo digs around in his pocket. “You are very good of the not smoking for so many months.”

I keep my hand outstretched. “I’m sure.”

My fingers tremble as I place the cigarette between my lips, thumbing the strike at the top of Leo’s bright orange lighter.

The familiar, pungent smell of cigarette smoke fills my head as I take a hard drag. God I’ve missed this.

The nicotine hits me like a ton of bricks, making me dizzy. This is the worst idea, lighting up when I’ve been so good since I got back to Madrid. I left that guy behind—the one who chain-smokes after a gig with all the pretty groupies.

I thought I left that guy behind. But now, with a head full of hurt and a heart so full, so swollen, it’s about to burst, I wonder why I did.

So,
Leo says, holding his cigarette between his thumb and forefinger,
tell me what happened with Maddie.

I look at him from the corner of my eye.
How did you know it was Maddie?

You couldn’t stay away from her
,
even though you wanted to,
he says.
 

I take a long, hard drag. Let it out.

No,
I say.
I can’t stay away from her. I don’t want to stay away from her.

You’re in love with her, aren’t you?
Leo says.
You’re wanting to date her even though she’s in America and you’re here starting our band.

I take another drag. The smoke gets in my eyes, making them water.

My hand hurts.

Chapter 22

Maddie

That Weekend

“Whoa, Mads, you think you could slow down?” Viv says, panting as she tries to keep up with me. “Why the rush?”

We carefully avoid a patch of dirty ice on the sidewalk leftover from the snowstorm. Our heels clack on the pavement, single notes in the rising cacophony of Madrid at midnight on a Saturday. Despite the cold, the streets are packed, filled with well-dressed young people intent on partying hard after being holed up at home all week.

“No rush.” I huddle into my faux fur vest. “Just excited. I feel like it’s been forever since we had one of our epic nights out.”

“You mean since you hooked up with a random stranger you met at a discoteca?”