Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (7 page)

ROSE NEVER
IMAGINED
that her wedding day would come. She didn’t even know if she wanted to get married, but as the day approached, she realized there was no choice. It was happening, and she couldn’t stop it.

When Rose and Thomas started dating, everyone was surprised.

Rose was excited for the first time, running into the house to find Momma. “Thomas asked me out,” she panted, pushing her hair carelessly out of her sweaty face. Rose had run all the way home from the market, and in her excitement she had forgot the groceries. Nobody had ever asked her out on a date before, not even in high school. She was the wallflower, invisible to everyone, especially the boys. While Rose wasn’t unattractive, she had never been called beautiful.

Rose decided early on that she was as far from extraordinary as one could get.

When Thomas asked her out in the middle of the frozen foods aisle, she thought it was a joke. She’d known him all of her life, and knew that he only dated the pretty, popular girls. He had a good job and was considered a “catch.” It was unfathomable that Thomas would want to go out with her.

She certainly didn’t look like any of those pretty girls with their long flowing hair, long lean legs, and tight youthful bodies. Instead, she was tall, “lanky,” and much to her Momma’s dismay, was almost masculine with her long limbs, and absence of feminine softness.

“She’s all arms and legs,” she once overheard Momma Clara say to Aunt Jeannie. Momma hadn’t meant to be critical, but she always wished her daughter were more like Aunt Jeannie’s pretty girls.

Momma would have been happy if she had turned out like her. Daddy would often say that Momma was an “exotic flower” with her long dark hair and her deep brown eyes, though Rose never heard him say anything like that about her. With Rose’s wiry brown hair, straight white teeth, thin lips and unassuming brown eyes, she looked far from a beautiful flower. She looked more like a useless weed.

Momma loved Rose in her own way but never expected much for her. She hoped only that someone might take pity, and marry her so that Rose could be taken care of, but she wasn’t optimistic that anyone would settle for Rose. Thomas wasn’t the most attractive boy in town, but he was certainly much better looking than anyone Clara thought would ever choose her daughter.

Within two months of dating, to everyone’s astonishment, Thomas and Rose were engaged. At first, everyone thought that she was pregnant. Rose could hear the whispers, and girls like Natalie and Cindy had outright asked her what she had over him to force the marriage.

Rose was stunned herself that he asked. Thomas didn’t even care that she didn’t love him. “It’s okay Rose,” he said quietly in his usual steady voice. “You will learn to love me, and I will learn to love you.” And though she should have, she didn’t wonder why a man like him would ever want to be with her without love. She didn’t care. She only cared that now she wouldn’t ever be alone.

The day that Rose married Thomas was the prettiest she ever was or ever would be again. Her wedding gown belonged to Grandmother Johnson and was all lace. It was beautiful with its intricate design and exotic feel. Grandmother Johnson had truly loved Rose, from the moment she was born. Rose was her namesake, and she reserved a special place in her heart for her sweet granddaughter who wasn’t loved as deeply as she should have been.

Grandmother Johnson never understood her Clara’s coldness toward Rose, but she tried to make up for it as much as she could until the day she died. Giving Rose her wedding dress was a small gesture, but one she knew that she would love.

The long, lace dress was beautifully preserved, though Clara never believed that Rose would get to wear it.

On her wedding day, Rose found that she felt beautiful.

In spite herself, she felt some happiness and hope. Daddy captured her happiness in a black and white photo, which Rose had kept, displayed every day for the rest of her life. Despite the ugliness of their marriage, Rose could never put the photo away. It reminded her that for one brief moment in her life, she had hope. Often, as she pondered the sadness of her life, she would pick up the picture and stare at herself glowing in the dingy photo. And when she did so, she momentarily forgot reality, lost in a fog of one happy moment.

At seventeen, Rose married young, but she did not marry for love. She married the first and only man who ever asked her, though she worried that he drank a lot. Her father drank a lot too, and she never thought about what kind of effect it would have on her life.

After all, Rose and Thomas knew each other since they were small children, attending the same little church, and she decided that she knew enough about him. He was three years older, but they had never really been friends. She admired how tall and sturdy he was. That served him well at the plant, which required physical stamina and strength.

They married the weekend after he asked her because there was no reason to wait.

“I want to have a child,” Rose said to Thomas shyly, “More than anything, I want a daughter.”

“If that’s what you want,” he said in his usual quiet way. He never gave many of his thoughts away, so there was nothing to ever talk about.

Having a child would assure Rose would never be alone. A child would fulfill her and complete her, and she envisioned a daughter who would be her best friend. Rose saw her as a constant companion, the keeper of her secrets and her soul, unlike her own mother. She knew that if she had a daughter, she would never need anything else.

But she knew, in order to have a child, she would need a husband to care for her financially. Rose didn’t come from money. She barely graduated high school, and she didn’t have any marketable skills. Marrying Thomas was Rose’s only chance at a halfway decent life, and she needed to take it. Her mother reminded her of this every chance she got.

“Rose, a girl like you can’t afford to be picky,” Momma said to her in her twinkly voice that she reserved for when she was being critical, which was always. As she helped Rose get ready for the wedding, she gave her the best advice she could give. “Just be happy someone is marrying you.”

After two months of courting, Rose still didn’t know Thomas that well, and she was glad to get the ceremony part of out of the way. Rose figured they would get to know each other better after the wedding.

After their wedding, he still rarely touched her. On their wedding night, they didn’t consummate their marriage, and Rose was relieved. He didn’t try to touch her, and their marriage wasn’t much different from when they dated. Neither of them talked much, and the closest they ever came to intimacy was holding hands.

They didn’t consummate for a couple of weeks into their marriage. And when they finally did, it was painful and awkward, and both were relieved to finally get it out of the way.

When he did touch her, it made her uncomfortable. His touch was too stiff and awkward to stir up anything within her. Their lovemaking was infrequent, but when he did make the attempt, he often passed out or lost interest before he was done. She was far too shy to try to seduce him herself, and she wouldn’t even know where to begin. He was the only man she had ever been with. If it weren’t for the hopes of having a child, she would have only wished for him to pass out every night and forget she was in his bed, altogether.

She wanted to be filled with a child even if it was
his
child, but his thrusts were awkward. His eyes never looked at her, his face screwed up as though the task at hand took much concentration. In the end, it was always anticlimactic, and she was always glad when it was over.

Year after year went by, and she failed to get pregnant.

“Why can’t we have a child? It’s been two years?” she asked Thomas who had little response.

“It’s been three years.”

“It’s been four years.”

“It’s been five years. I want to have a child! If we can’t have one on our own, then we need to adopt. It’s the only thing I want, Thomas, the only thing that I will ever ask you for.” Rose was tired of watching the years pass her by, alone. They lived in silence, in a forced routine, that made Rose question if this were truly a better life. She missed living in her parent’s house, where Father ignored her and Momma backhandedly criticized her. At least there was some life in their home.

When their brief and occasional trysts failed to make her pregnant, she knew she had to convince him to let her adopt, or she would always be alone.

“Fine, Rose,” he said, after the fifth year. “If you want to adopt, then we can adopt. But the child is your responsibility. I don’t want one, but if that’s what you want, then maybe you can finally be happy.” His voice remained even as it always was, and Rose spontaneously kissed him on the cheek, which made Thomas smile slightly.

The paperwork and process were easy. On paper, they were a solid couple. He had a steady job at the plant as a supervisor, they went to church every Sunday, and they had been married for many years. The reference from their pastor, his boss, and their fellow church members were appropriate if not glowing, and they sailed through the process with virtually no issues.

Rose was excited about choosing her child, and she knew the moment she saw the file that this would be her daughter.

The girl was found abandoned and alone, wandering the streets of a nearby town, for an indeterminate amount of time. They guessed that someone passing through dropped her off. They tried to find parents, but nobody surfaced to claim her. It was a miracle that she was alive as her clothes and condition told an untold story.

When they found her, she was malnourished and had a severely broken leg that required surgery. She was in the hospital healing for a couple of months and then placed with a foster family for eight months after that. The girl was difficult, and the foster family couldn’t deal with her anymore because the comments from the social worker were “she needed undivided attention if she were ever going to thrive.”

Rose knew that she could give that to her and chose her without hesitation.

THE SOCIAL
WORKERS
assumed that Brynn’s fate would be to bounce from foster home to foster home until she was old enough to grow out of the system. They guessed that she was at least four or thereabouts. Most people only wanted to adopt babies, tiny people without anyone else’s imprint, with a fresh slate to be molded as their own. People weren’t looking for kids Brynn’s age to raise as their own.

While Brynn was sweet with her long dark hair and her big eyes, she barely talked, and she had many issues. When they flipped through her file, they read between the lines, and they always moved onto the file with the infant or the youngest child that had not yet been scarred by life.

She was already struggling in one foster home and ready to move to the next. All she did was cry, and she needed constant attention.

The moment that Rose saw Brynn’s file and saw her history, she knew that this was the child for her. This child was already old enough to walk and talk, and Rose had never wanted any of the messiness of an infant. She knew that this child would cling to her with needing and wanting, and she knew that she would be able to do the same to her. This child had been thrown out like yesterday’s garbage, and Rose anticipated that she would be forever grateful to be rescued.

Rose was anxious for the adoption process to be over. She just wanted to have her daughter in her own home. The sooner she got her home, the faster her life could truly begin.

Finally, when the day arrived, Rose found that she was nervous. Thomas went to work as usual, but Rose busied herself straightening and cleaning and straightening again. She had the entire house clean from top to bottom, and then she went over it again. She had waited for this day for as long as she could remember and now that it was here, she was fearful.
What if she doesn’t love me? What if she doesn’t want me?

When the kind social worker with the stutter came over to drop her off, the house was spotless, and Rose was a nervous wreck. The Social Worker walked into the house, her hand holding a small child who looked up at Rose with scared eyes.

“Do you want me to stay home tomorrow?” Thomas asked her.

Rose was surprised that he offered. Her stomach was already doing flip-flops, but she knew that having him there would make it worse. “No, thank you,” she said giving him a small smile. “It’s better if you just go to work. I’ll be fine on my own.”

She offered the social worker and the girl some cookies and tea. The social worker declined. She said that she needed to leave but that she would check back with them in a few days to make sure that they were acclimating well. Rose smiled at her and thanked her for bringing her daughter home. When the door closed, Rose turned around and looked at the girl.

“Hi,” she said quietly as though she were talking to a scared kitten.

The girl didn’t talk. She just looked at her, suspiciously.

“I’m your new Mommy now. I’m Rose.” Rose said squatting down and getting to eye level with her. She kept a distance between them. The girl stood on the other side of the couch eyeing her with big brown eyes, but not moving. Rose didn’t move either, suddenly wishing she had thought to leave the TV on. The plain little house, too quiet, Rose thought she could hear her heart beating through her chest. Even though this was what she always wanted, she didn’t feel prepared.

She stared at the girl for a while, smiling until her face felt frozen and her cheeks hurt.

“I’m your new Mommy. I’m Rose.” Rose repeated. The girl looked at her.

“Mommy, I want MY Mommy,” the girl said, turning her head and looking around.

“I’m your Mommy now,” Rose said.

“No, you’re not Mommy. I want MY Mommy!” The girl said anxiously.

“I’m Mommy.”

“No, No, No, No!” the girl was getting agitated. The social worker warned her about this, but Rose ignored her advice. She shouldn’t have mentioned ‘Mommy.’

“I’m Rose,” she said, hoping the girl would forget ‘Mommy.’

“Rose,” the girl said more calmly, accepting it. “Rose.”

“Would you like a cookie?” Rose held out a brown and white cookie to the girl. The girl took a small step forward with her tiny feet, and then hastily retreated.

“I won’t hurt you, sweetheart,” Rose said gently.

“Cookie.” The girl said, in a small quiet voice, taking another step forward. She eyed Rose suspiciously and hesitated. Then she took another step, her eyes never leaving Rose’s eyes.

It took a half an hour for her to accept the cookie. She was clearly afraid, and Rose knew that she was going to have to take it slow. Thomas called from the plant, and said that they needed him to work a double shift, and Rose was relieved. She didn’t know how the girl was going to respond to Thomas. She wanted her daughter to be more comfortable before she introduced them. She continued to keep her distance, hiding under tables and behind the couch. Rose decided to ignore her, and go about her day, hoping she would eventually come out.

Rose started cooking dinner. She was making a roast, and after a while, the house started to smell of meat and vegetables. Rose made meatloaf and roast, and that was all she knew how to cook well. Everything else turned out bland or overcooked. She planned roast for tonight because it was a special night.

The house smelled good, warm, and comfortable.

After a couple of hours, Rose saw the girl come out from under the coffee table quietly.

Rose went back to busying herself, and tried not to look at the girl too much. She didn’t want to make her any more scared than she already was.

When dinner was ready, Rose set two plates on the table and wordlessly sat down. She took small bites and waited. After a half hour, the girl came to the table and climbed on the chair opposite of Rose. Rose warmed up her food, cut it up into bite size pieces, set it down in front of her, and continued to eat. The girl poked at the food with her fork cautiously. Rose could tell that she was hungry, but she fought the urge to tell her to eat.

Finally, the girl took a bite. “Mmmm,” she said quietly and then stopped suddenly.

Rose smiled at her. “That’s okay,” she said gently. “I’m happy you like it.”

They ate the rest of the meal in silence, glancing at one another shyly from time to time.

When her plate was clean, Rose thought she still looked hungry. She had given her a lot, and had been surprised at how quickly she devoured it. She couldn’t imagine that someone so tiny could consume so much. “Would you like more?”

The girl nodded, and her eyes got huge when Rose piled her plate completely full.

She started to eat the food from her second plate as quickly as she ate her first. “Slow down,” Rose urged. “There will always be plenty of food for you to eat.” The girl didn’t listen, and she piled the food into her mouth until her plate was empty.

Rose sat and watched her in amazement.

When they were done eating, Rose asked her if she wanted a bath and the girl shook her head “no.” Rose led the girl upstairs to her new bedroom where she had eagerly laid out pajamas earlier that morning. She wasn’t sure what size she would be, so she bought three of the same nightgown, all in different sizes in anticipation that one of them would fit.

Rose was happy that dinner had gone so well, but there was still so much more ahead, and Rose continued to be nervous. She put the smallest nightgown on the girl, and was surprised that it was still so big on her.
She is so small for her age,
Rose thought in awe. The girl was about five, but she was the size of a three year old. After Rose had tucked her into her bed, Betsy her worn doll tucked in right next to her, she decided that it was time to try something.

“Brynn.” Rose said, looking at the girl intently.

“No, I’m Eva.” The girl said understanding what Rose was doing.

“No. You’re Brynn now.” Rose said carefully.

“No, I’m Eva.” The girl repeated stubbornly.

“Brynn.”

“Eva.”

Rose was not going to call her Eva, but she decided not to push it with her for now. She didn’t want to be reminded that she had been someone else’s daughter. She knew that it was a big adjustment and that even though she was young, she had been through a lot. She expected from going through her file that she would be a weak, needy little thing. But after looking at her, she realized how strong and tenacious she must have been to survive on her own so young. After being abandoned so carelessly, she could have easily frozen or starved to death. Rose hated to think of all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

The next couple of months were a blur. Rose got her daughter into a new routine and introduced her to their church and the neighbors. The girl clung to her now and wouldn’t leave her side. She seemed to understand that Rose was her mother and that she wasn’t going to leave her. Rose even took to sleeping in her room to keep her company and comfort her, although Thomas didn’t like it at all. Rose didn’t care. Her daughter was there now, and that was all that mattered.

It took months for the girl to answer to the name Brynn, but finally Rose’s persistence paid off. Slowly, she seemed to forget all about her life as Eva.

Brynn learned to love her new Mommy, but she still cried out in the night for her other Mommy. Sometimes she just cried out for no reason, and Rose had to cradle her through the night. Eventually, she slept more peacefully through the night, much to Rose’s relief.

Rose was finally happy.

Thomas realized that she no longer needed him. Rose refused to share his bed more and more often, preferring to sleep in Brynn’s room instead.

His frustration started to get the better of him, and he started to drink more and more. He loved the smell and taste and the warmth of the whiskey. The whiskey was all that gave him peace. “I thought that adopting that little brat would help me and Rose to become closer. I thought she would be thankful, but now she wants nothin’ to do with me.” He mumbled into his glass while she was upstairs one night bathing the kid. “She hates me.”

The kid was afraid of him, he could tell.
Stop looking at me like you’re scared of me, you little shit
, he thought angrily.
Rose will know I don’t like you, and I must like you for her sake. She doesn’t know that I don’t want you around. But now you’re in the way, and she doesn’t even smile at me anymore. She just smiles at you!

Thomas felt foolish in his jealousy, but he wished that he had never agreed to let Rose buy her. It wasn’t even his kid, and as much as he tried, he didn’t like her. He knew that she had it tough early on, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad for her.

She stood in the way of him and Rose, which is all he ever wanted.

But now it was too late.