Last December (16 page)

And my throat started getting tight again and I was having trouble breathing and I felt like I might be choking or some-thing, and suddenly I could feel myself letting go like I just couldn’t hold everything back any longer, and then Sam, for the first time, I started bawling my eyes out right there on the stairs, and I tried to stop, but I couldn’t, because it was like a flood, a flood that just keeps coming and coming and coming.

And I stumbled down the stairs and then along the walkway, and I sort of fell against this big tree on the other side of the
sidewalk, and I dropped down onto the snow and sort of hugged the tree trunk and dug my fingers into its bark, which was cold and hard, and then bawled and bawled and bawled.

My shoulders were shaking from all the crying and then they started shaking from the cold, because I guess I was totally freezing, so I tried to stop crying, and I got up and wiped my face and stumbled back toward Judy’s and Jenny’s street. And then halfway down the block, I heard music vibrating through some windows in the distance, and then instead of tears, I felt this sort of energy flowing out of me, and nothing I could do would stop it.

And there were a few people on the front porch smoking cigarettes who I kind of recognized, and I strode up and said, “Is this Judy’s place?” even though I knew it was, and a guy said, “Yeah, who wants to know?” but I just walked right past him and into the house, and I remember the warm air hitting me like a wall, and then for some reason, my teeth really started to chatter, and I saw Trevor almost right away and he said, “Where have you been, man? I waited for you for like an hour at the rink!” and I said, “Do you have a coat or sweater or something?” and he looked at me for a sec and I think he noticed I had been crying or something, because he didn’t say anything, and then he took off his blue sweater. “Here,” he said. “You okay?” and I said, “Yeah. Do you have any Jungle Juice?” and he said, “No, rum—my big brother bought it for me. … Jenny’s been waiting for you. She’s in the kitchen, and Judy’s in the bathroom crying and stuff because there’re too many people here, but she’s too chicken to kick anyone out.”

And I just nodded, only half-listening, and followed him into the kitchen, and Jenny was there talking to a girl I didn’t know, and she smiled when she saw me, and it was like the smile was magic because it wiped everything away in an instant, and I walked right up to her and leaned toward her and kissed her, which sort of made her blush, push me away, and say, “Steven. You’re lips are cold!” but I didn’t care one bit.

And next thing I knew, Trevor handed me a tall glass with ice and cola in it, and he said, “It’s rum and Coke,” and I sniffed it and took a little sip, and it was sweet and sort of warm-tasting even though the Coke was cold, and Jenny looked at me kind of worried, and she said, “Where were you?” and I said, “Nowhere,” and then she poked me in the ribs and said, “Okay, mystery man,” and I smiled and took another sip but bigger, and I realized I hadn’t even had any dinner, so I took another swallow to fill myself up.

And that was a big big mistake, Sam, because I got drunk again, but way way way quicker, because drinking on an empty stomach is a big no-no, and over the next hour, I must have had a bunch of drinks, and I remember laughing and sort of dancing to loud music and joking around and Jenny being way more touchy with me and even letting me kiss her in front of people, I guess because she was drunk, too.

And I don’t know how it happened, because time started to blur around a bit, but suddenly Jenny and I were upstairs in someone’s room and we were lying on a small bed in the dark, and we were necking and I remember feeling very very horny and out of control, and I went up her shirt and I couldn’t get
her bra undone and she didn’t help me, so I only felt her emgees through the sort of velvety bra material, which was nice and soft, and I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I was doing it.

And I was sort of rubbing my body against Jenny’s, and she was sort of rubbing her body back, which I thought was kind of like a message that she wanted to go further with me, so my hand started trying to undo her pants and her hand kept on trying to stop me, just like before on the street, and I guess I was drunk, because I just kept on trying, and finally she sort of let me get her zipper undone, and my fingertips stretched down and felt her pubic hairs, which got me really really really really horny, because it was like evidence that Jenny actually had a vagina.

And then all of a sudden Jenny moved back and said, “Is everything all right, Steven?” and I slurred, “Whatdahyamean … Yeah. Everything’s fine,” and then she said, “Where were you before? Trevor was worried,” and I said, “Um … with my mom … She sort of … is sick,” and she said, “Is she okay?” and I said, “Yep,” and then we started kissing again and the whole thing started over, with my hand and her emgees and then her zipper, and she pushed me away a bit again and said, “I don’t think I’m ready, Steven,” and I said, “Why?” and she said, “I don’t know why … but I just know,” and I said, “Well, if you don’t know … then maybe you’re ready.”

And I knew I shouldn’t have argued but I couldn’t help it, Sam, and Jenny suddenly sat up and away from me, and my heart was beating like crazy and I still felt wild like I could do anything, or maybe just something really really stupid, and she said, “Well, I don’t know why, Steven, but I DO know that I’m
NOT ready,” and I said, “Well … you didn’t have to lead me on, then!” and she snapped, “That’s not fair … and not even close to true,” and my ears were sort of ringing from being drunk, and she said, “But I
do
have something to tell—”

“Listen,” I said, trying to talk clearly, “if you hadn’t noticed, I’m a man and you are a woman and we are sort of meant to have sex because … because … well … we are,” and Jenny snapped, “Yeah, but I don’t want to have a baby at fifteen, thank you very much,” and then we didn’t say anything for a bit, and she said, “Do you even have a condom?” and I said, “No … but I could go—”

And she interrupted, “Stop, Steven! I’m not … I’m not even sure if I actually … well, there’s something I have to tell you—” and I said, “You’re not even sure you actually WHAT?” and it was like the darkness was sort of swelling in and out around us, like in a black hole, and Jenny was totally silent, and I said, “NOT EVEN SURE YOU ACTUALLY WHAT?” and she still didn’t say anything, and finally I said, “FINE!” and I tried not to yell but it was impossible not to. “That’s just fuckin’ fine. Everyone can fuck right off. I give up, and nothing is worth it. I
surrender
, Jenny. Okay? I completely surrender,” and I stood up and staggered a bit and she said, “Wait, what do you mean, Steven?” and I opened the door and slammed it shut and stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen.

And I saw Trevor and he said, “Whereve’ya been?” because he was drunk, too, and I said, “D’ya’ve more rumncoke?” and he said, “Yeah, over’ere,” so we went to the kitchen and I took the bottle and drank straight from it, and Trevor said, “Whoa,
man. Slow down,” and I snapped, “Why?” and he didn’t have an answer for that one, so I took another swig and then another and my mouth knew it tasted gross but my brain definitely didn’t.

And then, Sam, I don’t know how long I was in the kitchen, but I knew I hadn’t seen Jenny since I left her in that room, and at some point, I started singing that song “Don’t … don’t you want me” really loudly, because it just got in my head all of a sudden. I was swaying all over the place and I was getting sad and angry and crazy-feeling, and then someone ran into the kitchen, saying, “Skinheads are trying to get into the party. Someone call the police!”

I stumbled out through the crowd toward the hallway, and I burst through the front door, and I remember feeling the crisp cold, and there were a bunch of skinheads standing in a group, and one of them was Bobby McIntyre, and he stepped out and said, “What the fuck do YOU want?” and I stepped toward him and turned away for second and then spun back and punched him right in the face.

And we both fell over onto the snowy ground, and my hand absolutely killed from the punch, so I grabbed it and rolled on my back, and that’s when Bobby jumped right on top of me, and he punched me right in the jaw and then again right on the side of my head, but I barely even felt it, and then everything went black (not the kissing kind, Sam).

And the next thing I remember was Trevor dragging me by his blue sweater back inside the house and through the hallway and kitchen and then out the backyard, and I had trouble walking on the snowy ground because there was a thin crust
over top of the softer snow, and Trevor dragged me to the back fence and made me jump into another backyard, and I went over and fell on my side and I was laughing my guts off, and my face was sort of throbbing, but it didn’t hurt at all, and Trevor wasn’t laughing. He was saying, “You idiot. Get up. Jesus, what are we going to do with you?”

And then we were stumbling through streets, and I started to get really sad all of a sudden, and Trevor said, “Why the hell did you have to punch Bobby McIntyre?” and I said, “Because,” and he snapped, “Because why?” and then I said, “Because … because my ma is in the hospital, and my little sister is going to die, and Karen took off because Byron is missing, and life just really really really sucks the big one, and I’m going to kill myself,” and then I started running and I could hear Trevor calling and chasing me, and then I hit St. Clair and turned the corner and then everything went black, one last time.

Last Pseudo-Section

(I have no idea what happened after that, Sam, until I woke up the next morning with a sore forehead and a pounding headache and a pasty mouth and Mrs. Crapenter at the end of my bed with her hands on her hips, and she said she was taking care of me while Ma was in the hospital for the weekend and that I’d better start behaving myself, and when she clomped out of the apartment in her blue old-person shoes, I got up slowly and tried to eat something but couldn’t because I basically wanted to puke, and then I went to my room and tried to do nothing, but
I couldn’t stop thinking about doing myself in, and my brain and a few of its synapses wouldn’t stop flying around like aimless asteroids, so I started writing you this stupid letter.

And the thing is, Ma didn’t get out of the hospital on Sunday because there were complications, and I was kind of relieved, because I needed to keep writing and work things through and to be honest I just felt like I could never ever face her again. And Mrs. Crapenter cooked porridge and stupid stew and salmon sandwiches for me and told me to visit Ma (a hundred times), but I just couldn’t. And I was basically stuck in a pocket of pseudo-causes and effects, Sam, because all I did for five days was write and stare into space and eat and sleep and write and pretend to study (for Mrs. Crapenter) and worry and write some more and stare into space again, except that on Monday I got two phone calls.

And the first call was from Trevor and I don’t know why I answered the phone, but I did, and Trevor wanted to know if I was okay, and I said, “Yeah, I guess,” but then I just said I was in big big big trouble and had to get off the phone, and he said, “Okay. Take it easy, Stevie boy,” and he didn’t even mention the money I owed him, which I thought was pretty nice, and then the phone rang again later on, but I didn’t answer it, Mrs. Carpenter did, and she came right into my room because I stopped locking the door, and she said, “It’s your mother on the phone,” and I guess I kind of wanted it to be Jenny, and I didn’t even turn around from my desk and I said, “Tell her I’m at the Donut Hole or something.”

And Mrs. Carpenter didn’t move, Sam, she just stood there, for like an hour, and then I finally heard her blue old-person
shoes turn around and clomp to the living room and then I heard her talking to Ma, and I thought she was going to come back and bug me again, but I guess I have to give her credit because I think Mrs. Carpenter lied to Ma for me and maybe she actually did notice important things, like the fact that I really really couldn’t talk to Ma and I needed to be alone, and I’m glad she did leave me alone, because after all this time with my own stupid synapses, stuck in my own stupid brain, I finally finally finally figured out what it was I had to do.)

(December 18, 1982)

Very very early on Thursday morning, the day of my stupid mathematics, science, and English exams, I got dressed, stuffed my schoolbag with a change of clothes, went into Ma’s drawer where she kept her special money, and took one hundred dollars, which I knew I would never be able to pay back. I went to the kitchen to grab some food or something and I noticed that Ma still hadn’t taken that stupid baby book back to the library, and I don’t know why, Sam, but I slid it over, and I just started leafing through it, and I went to the index, and I found the word
contractions
, and then I went to the contractions section, and for thefirst time in a long time, I was actually able to read something other than my own stupid writing.

And I read that contractions happen when the biggest muscle in the whole female body, the uterine muscle, sort of tightens and loosens and it does this sometimes before the baby is ready to come out and no one knows when contractions change from normal ones to baby-squeezing-out ones. And it said that a lot of stress could make baby-squeezing-out contractions happen early, and I just knew that’s what happened when Ma and I had our stupid fight, and I couldn’t help it, my eyes started welling up and dropping stupid tears on the pages.

And I finally wiped my face and closed the book and I put it in my bag and then I put my coat and hat and gloves on, opened and closed the door quietly so that Mrs. Crapenter wouldn’t hear me, and I went carefully down my apartment stairs and stepped out into the dark.

When I got to the front doors of the library, it was closed and dark inside, but there was this slot on the side where you could slide in overdue books, and I slowly opened up my bag and pulled out the baby book, and when I went to put it toward the slot I noticed my sort of dark reflection in the window, and I don’t know why, Sam, but it just made me stop, and I just stared at my reflection about to slide the book into the library, and I know it sounds crazy but my reflection sort of looked like a picture, like a picture of a cause frozen in time, and the thing is it just felt like a wrong cause, and I knew deep down that no matter what happened in this stupid and crazy and chaotic universe, I would never be able to slide that book inside that slot, and I dropped my hand to my side and sighed, because I knew I couldn’t go back home and risk getting trapped by Mrs. Crapenter, and I knew suddenly that there was only one thing, one last
right
thing, for me to do.