Last December (13 page)

And I rushed home right after school that afternoon, so that I got there way way before Ma, and I had some toast on peanut
butter for a snack, had a shower, got changed, made myself a grilled cheese, and then another one. It was 4:30 and I knew that Ma usually got home between 5 and 5:15, and I knew she probably wouldn’t let me go to St. Clair station if she found me at home, so I rushed into the kitchen and got a pen and paper from the pen-and-paper drawer and sat at the kitchen table, and the table is sort of hard to write on because it’s cracked and uneven, so I grabbed that stupid baby book, which was still sitting on the table, and wrote on top of it. This is what I wrote:

Ma,

I’ve gone out to a movie with Trevor and will be back at 10:30. Don’t worry, I’ll study a lot tomorrow and I have six whole days after that. (And I already ate dinner.)

Steven

P.S. This book is overdue.

Pseudo-Section

(Okay, Sam, so I sort of have to admit something. The other reason why I blushed about something happening between me and Jenny was that I’ve only really kissed a girl once before. I don’t want to gross you out or anything, Sam, so maybe you can just skip this part, but one day after school in eighth grade, I was hanging out with Josh and some other friends and some girls in our grade, and I wasn’t really that interested in girls yet, because they were kind of scary or something, but Josh really was.

This was before he badmouthed me, so we were still hanging
out together, and there was this little hill at the end of the school field, and everyone was sort of going to the other side and making out, and there was this girl I didn’t know very well, because she was new and we were kind of paired off together, and so when we finally got to the other side of the hill and we sort of lay down, she just jumped on top of me and started making out with me, and I sort of started kissing back with my mouth sort of closed because that’s the way it looks on TV most of the time, but all of a sudden her tongue sort of like snuck into my mouth like an eel and sort of pried it open, and then it was like I was suddenly at the dentist because her tongue was right down my throat and I felt like saying, “Ahhhhh,” but in a really bad way, and I almost felt like I was going to choke, and I think she noticed this because she then sort of slid her tongue all over my teeth like she was effin’ polishing them or something, and to be honest, I wasn’t really crazy about the whole experience.)

I knew that I was probably going to get in trouble for not waiting for Ma to come home that afternoon, but I didn’t care, and I really didn’t know what to do with myself for the next couple of hours, and I really didn’t want to go to the Donut Hole, because I didn’t want to see Byron or Karen, but it was like a gravitational force was pulling me there like an effin’ black hole, because every time I stepped out of the apartment it seemed I always went to the Donut Hole. And so I did, Sam, and when I got there that other older lady was behind the counter and no one was playing Ms. Pac-Man. And so I ordered a honey cruller with the borrowed five bucks and went over to the machine, and I sat down at the first-person seat, and I put a quarter in and started playing.

And I don’t know why, Sam, but maybe it was because I was alone, but I played absolutely amazing and I was thinking how much I wanted Byron to see how well I was following his School of Higher Learning lessons, and I wondered if his bus had finally stopped in Sudbury or wherever it was going, and it was like I was in a trance, chomping through the first five boards, all on
one
man, and then something totally incredible happened.

I got to JUNIOR, Sam, where Ms. Pac-Man and Pac-Man fall in love and have a baby, and it made me sort of think of
Karen’s face when she talked about having her own baby, and it made me wonder if maybe that’s how Ma felt, too, but I didn’t have much time to think, Sam, because all of a sudden the Junior board started and it was way way harder, and I hadn’t done a very good job of watching how Byron played this board because I never thought I’d get there, so I died and then I died again and then I died once more, and even though I had more quarters, I didn’t want to ruin the fact that I’d gotten all the way to Junior on the first man, so I just ate my cruller slowly and killed time staring at the screen.

Transportation

I finally just walked to St. Clair station because I still had more time to kill, and I wasn’t even really nervous until I saw the subway sign, and then my mind started racing with all kinds of question synapses like,
Who was going to be at the station? What if I got there before Trevor? Would Jenny ignore me again? How should I act? Was I wearing the right clothes? What if Jenny really did like me? What would I do then? What was Judy like?

Unfortunately, when question synapses whip by, they transform other synapses into speed-walking ones, which is why I got to the subway station early. Anyways, I paid the fare, went through the turnstile, and hopped down the stairs, which led to this corridor that ended right at the pay phones where we were supposed to meet. And then because no one was there, I didn’t know what to do, so I paced back and forth in front of the phones, with my Chuck Taylor high-tops making squeaky
sounds on the floor, and then the subway guy inside his booth by the other entrance kept on looking at me, like I was going to cause trouble or something, so I picked up a phone and pretended to use it, and then hung it up, and then I looked over and he was still staring at me.

So I went down the stairs to the subway platform and then walked to the escalator about halfway down the platform and then went back up and along the corridor to the phones, and the guy was still sitting there in his booth with his arms crossed, just effin’ glaring at me, so I decided to do another lap, but this time when I came up the escalator and started walking down the corridor, I froze in my steps, because Jenny and Judy and another girl were there at the phones, and they didn’t see me right away, so I turned back and hid behind the wall and leaned against it.

Okay, so there I was hiding around the corner like an effin’ idiot or like Luke Skywalker hiding from Darth Vader when they are walking around that tower thingy inside the spaceship in
The Empire Strikes Back
right before Luke almost plunges tohis death. And I know, Sam, that that comparison might not make sense to you, because maybe you’ve never seen that movie. Anyways, what I’m trying to say, and I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I was sort of more scared of Jenny right then than I had ever been of anyone, even Bobby McIntyre or Darth Vader or Byron. I’m serious.

And no matter how much I wanted to just walk down to the girls, I just couldn’t do it, because Jenny had this power over me, a power just like the Force. It felt like she was the master of
Steven’s Sex and Love Synapses, and I was like Luke just trying to learn about this new Force but not doing a very good job of it, and it felt like I had that weird helmet on, the one that blocked Luke’s sight, and I was swinging my lightsaber around trying to hit the floating ball, and the thing is I didn’t even have Obi-Wan Kenobi to help me, either, to tell me to just use the Force or whatever he said.

So I finally just ran down the escalator the wrong way, and then I was down on the subway platform again, and a subway train came rushing in, and it screeched to a halt, and I just kept on walking away from where the girls were upstairs, and then all of a sudden, I heard someone call my name, and I turned and it was Trevor, and he waved and ran up with his blond hair sort of bouncing, and he bent his crooked eyebrow even more crooked and said, “You’re going the wrong way, stupid,” and I just sort of shrugged, pretending I didn’t know where I was going, and he shook his head and said, “What are we going to do with you, Stevie boy?” and I said, “Eff off,” but I was so relieved he was finally there, so I laughed and he said, “Let’s go.”

So we walked up the escalator together, and when we got halfway, Trevor jumped on the black rubber handrail thingy and went sliding down, and then I did the same and went crashing into him, and we started laughing like crazy and dragging each other so that we couldn’t get up the escalator, and when we finally did get to the corridor, I was feeling much much better, but as soon as the girls saw us, my heart started seriously seriously pounding, and my hands were sweating, and then the girls started giggling and went in a bit of a huddle.

And I looked at Trevor and he sort of rolled his eyes, and when we finally got to the pay phones the girls had stopped laughing, but Trevor said to Judy, “What’s so funny?” and I wished then that I was like Trevor because he seemed so calm, like it didn’t even matter that we were hanging out with girls, and he sort of acted like Han Solo does around Princess Leia because he didn’t care what she thought of him and was always barking orders at her, and I didn’t know what it was like to have a friend who was a girl, and I wished that I could’ve said, “What’s so funny?” but instead I just kind of looked at the ground and acted shy.

And Judy finally said, “Steven, I’m Judy, this is Hanna, my friend from Scarborough, and you know … um … Jenny,” and I looked up at Hanna and said hi, and she was wearing tight black jeans and a black-and-white T-shirt that said the word
Scorpion
on it and a jean jacket, and her hair was gelled up straight sort of like a small fence, and then I glanced over to Jenny and she was
actually looking
at me, and I just blinked my eyes, because herswere so beautiful and bright and there was this serious connection between us again, and it was like in class when you are watching a movie or a slide show in the dark, and then all of a sudden the teacher turns on the light and you can’t see anything for a while.

Anyways, then I kind of smiled but kind of winced, too, and looked away, and then Jenny and Judy started asking me and Trevor questions like “When did you guys get here?” and “What do you want to do tonight?” and I didn’t say anything because I had no idea when I got there and I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I let Trevor do all the talking, and he said, “I heard there was a party or something up at York Mills, but I don’t really
know the guy who’s having it,” and I don’t even know how we finally decided it, but somehow someone thought maybe there might be more people at Eglinton station, so we heard the train coming, and everyone ran down to get it, and we all got on, although Hanna from Scarborough was slow, because she was kind of fat and her jeans were too tight to run in, and so she got stuck in the doors for a bit, and I think she was really really embarrassed about that because she went all red and didn’t say anything for a while.

And no one sat down, because Eglinton was only two stops away, but Trevor was swinging on the pole in the middle of the train’s floor, around and around and around, and then he couldn’t stand up, especially because the train suddenly stopped and he went flying to the ground, and he was laughing and his eyes were all crossed and he said, “It’s a merry-go-round buzz. … It’s kind of like being drunk,” and Judy said to me, “You know what that’s like, Steven … or so I heard,” and then she nudged Jenny, who sort of blushed, which sort of made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who was embarrassed, so I said, “Yeah. So?” because Judy acted like she was older and more responsible or something.

And when we got to Eglinton, a bunch of other high school kids were hanging around upstairs by the underground shops, and this girl came up to us who was wearing a black trench coat and army boots and black eyeliner and spiky hair, and she said, “Hi, Judy,” and Judy just stared and then went, “Maggie? Whoa! It’s YOU?” and then they hugged, because I guess they went to elementary school together or something, and Maggie-with-the-Black-Eyeliner said, “I’m so high right now. Are my eyes red?” and
Judy leaned in and said, “Yeah, kinda,” and I just sort of watched Maggie-with-the-Black-Eyeliner, because I don’t think I’d seen anyone who was actually high before, and I looked at Jenny and she made big eyes at me like she thought Maggie was crazy, and then Maggie said to Judy, “Have you seen Blue around? Where did Blue go?” and Judy didn’t know Blue, and all of a sudden, another girl way down the corridor screamed, “Maggie, get the eff over here, or you’re dead,” and Maggie just kind of giggled and said she had to go, and then we were just hanging out there and nothing was happening, and it was like we were stuck in a little pocket of pseudo-causes and pseudo-effects, boring god with a small
g
’s brains out, so Trevor lit a cigarette and Hanna from Scarborough had one, too, but she didn’t inhale, and Judy and Jenny didn’t smoke. Neither did I.

I was still sort of nervous about being around Jenny, but I was bored, too, and Judy was pretending to play hopscotch on the floor squares, and we were all sort of watching her and laughing when she fell, and then all of a sudden, Maggie-with-the-Black-Eyeliner came flying up to us in her army boots and came right up to me and said, “You’re Steven, right?” with her eyes all crazy, and this was the last thing I was expecting, and I said, “How do you know my name?” and she said, “Bobby McIntyre is coming and he’s looking for trouble, and I know he doesn’t like you much,” and I said, “I’m not scared of Bobby McIntyre,” and she said, “Well, you should be,” and I said, “Well, I’m not.”

And Trevor jumped in. “Don’t be an idiot, man. Remember, he took a two-by-four to someone’s head,” and then all of a sudden, I could see three skinheads way down at the turnstiles,
and Trevor pointed down another corridor and said, “This way to the buses,” and Judy and Hanna started to follow him, and Jenny said, “Let’s go, Steven,” and it was the first thing she really said directly to me, and I can still remember the way she said it, not pissed off like Ma, but like she cared about what happened to me or something, and I said, “I can’t,” and Trevor said, “Don’t be an idiot. There’s a light flashing … there’s a bus and it’s going to take off, … We’re outta here,” and then they ran, and I sort of wanted to run, but I just couldn’t and I could see Bobby about a hundred feet away, and I couldn’t tell if he’d noticed me yet, and Jenny said, “If you get your brains bashed in and become a vegetable, what will your sister do without an older brother?” and I forgot she thought you were a girl, and I guess I had never really thought about things that way before, and coming from her it sounded kind of smart.