Laces and Lace (Assassins #6) (50 page)

She nodded slowly. “I know. I just want to wait a bit before we discuss that, okay?”

“Sure,” he agreed, but he didn’t agree at all. He didn’t know what was going on, but something wasn’t right.

“I love you,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his.

“I love you too,” he said back, cupping her face and moving his thumb along her lip. As he watched her slowly close her eyes and heard her breathing level out, all he could do was play her question in his mind over and over again.

Is that a deal-breaker?

He wasn’t sure if it was. He wanted kids, but he wanted them with her and only her.

So if she didn’t want them, would he be okay with that?

Lacey could feel his eyes on her, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t look into his knowing eyes, not when he saw right through her. She knew that he was worried about the conversation they’d had and she was too. Practically scared to the core. She didn’t know what to say, how to tell him that she wasn’t ever bringing a child into this world. She didn’t want to break his heart; it was clear how much he wanted a child, but she wouldn’t be the one to do it for him. She didn’t know how long she lay there, but she could sense him drift back to sleep.

Finally opening her eyes, she took in his peaceful face, the way his eyelashes kissed his cheeks, the way his mouth parted, his breathing even. He was utterly gorgeous. The thought of someone else being the mother of his children ripped her to shreds as she watched him sleep. She couldn’t imagine someone else holding him, kissing his lips, and being underneath him as he moved into them. It was a heart-wrenching thought since she loved him so much, but it wouldn’t matter if he couldn’t accept her decision.

Soon tears leaked out of the side of her eyes as she cuddled into his chest, needing his comfort. When they were younger, she had always imagined having his children and watching them grow with him, but then she grew up and saw that it would be cruel for her to bring a child into this world. Especially a little girl. It would basically be a form of murder, and that wasn’t fair to her unborn child.

She wouldn’t do it.

She couldn’t do it.

And while the thought of losing Karson over it practically killed her inside, she knew it was the right choice. Even if it was one that could ultimately ruin her marriage.

She cuddled into his chest and his arms came around her, holding her close as her lips pressed onto the spot above his heart. As she lay in the cocoon of his warm arms, she wondered if she could chance it. Maybe it would work out, maybe their daughter would grow up to be a healthy adult with no problems at all. But then what if she grew up and developed the cancer Lacey had fought. The same cancer her mother and even her grandmother had had to fight? Would it be fair to watch her daughter battle for her life when she had the choice not to bring that child into the world?

She didn’t think so.

Opening her eyes, she looked up at his chin as the tears slowly leaked out of her eyes. She couldn’t do it, but she couldn’t lose him either. Would he understand once she got the balls to voice her fears? She shouldn’t be scared to tell him her deepest and darkest fears. He was supposed to support her no matter what, and she knew he would. That’s why she couldn’t tell him. He would be miserable as long as she was happy, and she couldn’t do that to him. She loved him too much.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered before kissing his chin.

“You won’t,” he answered and she swore her heart stopped. She hadn’t known he was awake. She had thought he had fallen back asleep. Looking down at her, he cupped her face and kissed her nose. “I don’t know what you are holding in, but I can practically hear your brain going a million miles a minute.”

Her heart was in her throat as his eyes searched hers. Clearing his own throat, he said, “I am here and I’m not going anywhere, Lacey, and neither are you. The sooner you realize that, the better. I bet getting all that out of your head would make you feel better too, and when you’re ready to unload it on me, I’ll be here.”

She didn’t know how to answer him so she only nodded before pressing her lips to his. She didn’t want to admit that he was right, but she bet her eyes told him he was.

“I’m sorry, Karson,” she whispered against his lips.

“For what? You’ve done nothing wrong,” he said roughly against her lips, his eyes searching hers. “Even what you are keeping in isn’t as bad as you think, I bet.”

“I just want to be with you forever,” she said and he squeezed his arms around her. Despite their wanting two totally different things, she wanted Karson for the rest of her existence. He was it for her. Her one true love.

“You will be.”

Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed to God he was right.

But she couldn’t shake the feeling that their time was limited like it had been before.

And she couldn’t shake the feeling for the next four days. Of course, Karson was amazing, always the doting husband, and he never brought up what they’d discussed in that bed. She wasn’t sure if he was giving her time or if he knew the truth and didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t know which one was worse. While she loved that he was giving her time to figure everything out, she hated it. She should just be honest, voice her choice, but it scared her that he would just accept it and live unhappily until the moment he decided she wasn’t worth it. And then she would be left alone.

Something she just couldn’t be after being with him.

Knowing that he might suspect that she didn’t want children killed her too. It furthered her assumption that he would just brush her decision under the rug and go on with life like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was. She could still remember when they were younger and they discussed having kids. They were so young and silly, but they were Karson and Lacey. She loved the way they were together.

“I think we should have two boys and a girl,” he said, his eyes shining with excitement. “But not till we are old, like thirty.”

“For sure,” she agreed. “I’ve got to start my business, and you’ve got to kick ass in the NHL before we bring kids into the world.”

“Absolutely. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure we are good and rich in a huge house before we have kids.”

She rolled her eyes, flicking her finger along his chin. “Doesn’t matter if we are rich or have a big house, Karson. It matters if we are happy.”

“Well, yeah, but my kids aren’t going to grow up without everything they need.”

“They’ll have everything they need as long as we love them,” she pointed out as she met his gaze. “I didn’t need anything but my mom’s love, and that’s all you needed from your parents.”

“You’re right,” he agreed, a grin pulling at his lips. “So we’ll wait till we are thirty, and we’ll have two boys and a girl, right?”

“Why two boys?” she laughed. “What about three girls?”

“The hell? I’m not paying for all those weddings!”

She giggled. “Weddings? No one will get near your girls,” she teased and he nodded, stone-faced.

“Damn right, I’ll have my shotgun cleaned out every day,” he said. “But no, really, I need hockey players.”

“Fine,” she shrugged. “Two girls and a boy.”

“No, two boys and girl. So she can be our princess and you can be my queen,” he said with a wink.

Her face warmed. “Okay, you talked me into it…since you know we can control this,” she said and he laughed.

“This is true, but still. I think we should name them Karter with a K, Kameron, with a K, and Kami, with a K, of course.”

Her brows came in as she shook her head. “Let me remind you, I am not down with a houseful of K names. No way.”

“K is a solid letter.”

She laughed. “So is every other letter in the alphabet.”

“I wouldn’t be scared of some dude with a Y name.”

She gave him a deadpan look. “You’re right, but still. Only one K name.”

“I’m telling my mom,” he teased and she laughed.

“Shut up, what about Karter with a K, Greyson, and Addison?”

His lip curled as she shrugged. “Let’s let this go for a while. We have ten years till we have kids, so we’ll revisit this when I knock you up. Maybe by then you’ll come up with something a little better than those names.”

She glared. “I like my names. They are better than all Ks.”

“I tend to disagree, but it’s okay because I like you and all your stupid names,” he smirked, cuddling his nose against hers. Leaning her back in the bed, his hand went up her ribs, and when she stopped him, he grinned. “So no practicing for babies yet?”

She smiled. “Not yet.”

He nodded, wrapping her up in his arms and kissing her nose. “I can wait. For both.”

“Me too,” she agreed. “I can’t wait, though.”

“Me neither,” he said against her lips. “It’s going to be amazing
—
our life together.”

And it was. It was everything she’d ever imagined. The love, the sex, the togetherness—they had it all, but would it be enough for him when she told him the truth? She wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t think of that right now. Not when she was watching him pull his bag out of the trunk so that one of the Assassins’ workers could take it.

He was leaving.

For two weeks.

She had been so stressed out about the kid thing that she hadn’t even realized time was slipping through her fingers. Looking around, she saw all the players with their families. They were hugging, some kids were crying, but the wives seemed to be pros while Lacey was a big, blubbering mess. Big fat tears ran down her face as he handed his bag off and then looked over at her, his lips curving at one side.

“It’s only for two weeks. Don’t look at me like that,” he said before reaching for her and pulling her into his chest, hard. Wrapping her up like he was never going to see her again, he kissed her lips, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. “It won’t be long at all, sweetheart. Don’t cry.”

“I just don’t want you to leave,” she cried, sucking in a deep breath.

“I know. I don’t want to leave, but we both know I have to.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said with a nod. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more,” he promised, kissing her lips again. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she deepened the kiss, praying that it would hold her over until he returned. It was going to be a long fourteen days, and she hoped it wouldn’t be too much torture without him.

“I’ll call you every chance I get.”

“I’ll be waiting,” she said, her lips dusting against his. His eyes were full of worry and maybe a little bit of regret. She didn’t like that at all and mentally slapped herself. There was no reason to worry him or make him feel bad for having to leave. This was his career. This is how he helped support them. Wiping away her tears, she smiled and said with as much strength as she could muster, “I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, you will. It will go quick.”

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “Make sure you win for me.”

“I always win for you,” he said with a wink before kissing her lips again. “I’ll call you when I land.”

“Okay, I love you,” she said, kissing him again.

“I love you more,” he swore, kissing her one more time before letting her go and slowly walking backward. “I’ll see you soon.”

She could only nod as she covered her lips with her hand, holding in her sob. The last time she watched him walk away, he left her for good. This time though, she didn’t feel like she was dying inside because she knew he was coming back. Though, it still sucked to see him leave. When he sent her one last wave before disappearing onto the plane, she let out the breath she was holding and let her arms fall to her sides.