#Kissing (Rock and Romance #1) (28 page)

Chapter 78

On Christmas morning, I feel better, but not brighter. The dark marble sky doesn't contain the kinds of clouds that redeem with fresh snowfall. My face is splotchy from crying, but I'm done hiding and lying. I lift my chin and go downstairs.

JQ doesn't mask his misery, seated in the living room while everyone opens presents.

I've made enough scenes to last a lifetime, so instead of storming off, leaving questions in my wake, I take a place at the foot of the sofa. If anyone wants to talk about the video, why I'm a mess, and what I'm going to do about it, I'll answer as best I can.

My attention wanders to the window where my mother dwells in her perfect house, all alone. I think of my father in his messy house, but with his sweet family. A soothing warmth washes over me at the sound of Mrs. Quaid's laughter when she opens a box containing an "ugly" Christmas sweater.

Being here is perfect in its own, imperfect way. JQ may hate me, and I may hate myself for being the cause of that, but there's nowhere I'd rather be. I exhale long, and with that comes the answer to the question
how do I make it right
in the corner of the room and with eighty-eight keys.

For the rest of the morning, he and I dance around the fact that I'm here. He involves himself with his siblings and cousins while I help Mrs. Quaid in the kitchen. Over the next few minutes, she sends everyone out of the room except me. I'm still chopping potatoes. She takes a seat on the stool at the counter and sighs. She passes me a mug of eggnog. "Everyone likes to get in here and give me a hand, but I think you need one right now."

I meet her eyes.

"You made a mistake," she says.

"More than one."

"But you can make it right."

My eyebrows crimp.

"He adores you." She hides a smile. "Always has. Some people are like that. Ronald, his father, for one. We met in college. I didn't want anything to do with him; he was a jock and had the reputation for having loads of girlfriends…" She shakes her head. "He chased after me. I turned him down. I had a boyfriend at the time, mind you, nothing serious, but Ronnie was persistent. This went on sophomore, junior, and senior year."

"But you never went out with him?"

"Not once. Then, on the eve of graduation, he showed up at the apartment I shared with a few girlfriends. He was naked. Can you imagine?" She laughs and her cheeks tint rosy. "You probably don't want to. He said, 'I have nothing to hide. No hidden motives. I just liked seeing you walk across campus before I knew your name, you'd twirl the same strand of hair every afternoon in Mr. Hershberger's symposium. I noticed you loved the cranberry white chocolate cookies in the cafeteria as much as me.' That's what I remember from his speech because after that I pretty much lost track of what he was saying. It went along the lines of how he always came back to me no matter who he dated and no matter how much I ignored him. He was too sweet to come off as sounding obsessed. He asked me if I'd give him one hour before graduation."

"He was patient," I say.

"And so is my son. I don't wonder where JQ gets it. The others run more like me."

"You gave him one hour?" I ask.

"I've given him almost two-hundred-thousand hours."

"You count?"

"That's how we celebrate our anniversaries."

I smile at the happy ending.

"As for JQ, he's broken up about the whole thing, but he cares about you so much. Though, it would help if that video disappeared."

"Yeah. I sent a letter of complaint earlier, but I'm not sure how to go about getting it taken down."

"I also think it would help if you own it."

"Own it?"

"Yup. Accountabilty."

"I'd rather ignore it; pretend it isn't there—what I've been doing with every challenge in my life."

"Try owning it. What do you have to lose?"

Mrs. Quaid and I chat a little longer until a crowd comes in begging for hot cocoa.

Chapter 79

That night, drowsy from a big meal and watching Christmas Vacation, I text Penny.
Merry Christmas
.

She doesn't reply.

I add
I'm sorry. I haven't been a good friend
.

The bubbles on the text box tell me she's replying.
I'm at my aunt's. WTF happened?

You saw?

The entire country saw. More views than #Kissing.

I have to get it taken down.

Yeah…I've tried. I have to work tomorrow at 10. Think you can come by early?

Even though JQ won't talk to me and even though this situation sucks, I don't want to leave the sanctuary of the Quaid's, but I have to deal with the mess I made. It won't be easy, but for once, I'm going to do the right thing.

I doze on the couch until my phone vibrates from somewhere under me. Jill's name scrolls across the screen. I answer.

"Hey," she says. "I'm going to spare us both the small talk. What Kat did sucks. I asked her to take the video down, but we know she's a bitch. The problem is, Niko has taken it, hmm, how do I put this…weird? When you first left, he was depressed, understandable. Then a few weeks in, he was acting—"

"High?"

"I want to believe you have nothing to do with that."

"With heroin? I have diabetes. For real. I have medical records, prescriptions, the whole thing. I'll admit I've been stupid in the past, but I'm not on drugs and I certainly didn't influence him."

"Good. That makes this slightly less of a pain in the ass. But he's out of control, totally on the downward spiral. My band is about to fall apart. I don't want that to happen. I've worked too hard to come this far and have fucking Kat post videos of you two having sex and you with needles and him with needles and—"

"She's trying to make it seem like I got him hooked," I say.

"They say all publicity is good publicity, but that's not true. He also wants to broadcast the sex video at concerts. Not going to happen, but of course, Kat is encouraging him. She's insane. I don't know what she wants."

"Power."

"She can find someone else to trip on. Mitty and I are totally against the video, because, what the fuck?! Who knows what other bullshit she'll put together. The Halos aren't squeaky clean, but parents and impressionable fans don't need to get the wrong idea or take it upon themselves to see what the lure is, you know what I mean?"

"Of course."

"Also, I don't need the singer slash guitar player to become a junkie. We all know how that ends."

"But I'm not sure how this conversation does. What can I do?"

"I need to get rid of Kat. She's the one behind everything, including Niko's new habit."

I hesitate.

"I don't mean to off her, but she's trying to be the alpha and that title belongs to me. I also hate her," Jill spits.

"Before all this happened, she said she was jealous of the power I had over the band."

"You caused mischief and mayhem that's for sure."

A smile edges toward the corners of my mouth.

"But this isn't fun anymore. Listen, we're in Vegas, and I have to get some sleep. I was up all night babysitting your ex, but I've come up with a plan..." She goes on to fill me in and then hangs up.

It's time for me to rebel against easy, because the days ahead of me will be anything but.

Chapter 80

Early the next morning, I write JQ a note and reread it before I leave it on the table beside his bed.

Dear Jesse,

I apologize for betraying you and for my dishonesty. I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I'm going to Vegas because there's something I have to do, but when I get back, if you'd give me one hour, just to talk, I'll be forever grateful.

Yours always,

Josephine

I slide my finger around the green bracelet from the palm reader, Josephina. It's time for me to give fate a shout out and say #LetsDoThis. Whatever you have in store for me, I'm ready, and promise to stop creating a shitty destiny.

Mr. Quaid gives me a ride into town on his way to get doughnuts. "Thanks for everything," I tell him when he drops me off at Penny's.

Her greeting is far warmer than Jill's, and I fill her in on the plan.

"Whoa. Jill's diabolical and dangerous."

"Sort of, but I think she wants to take the crown as reigning queen of busting up boredom when on the road. That was my specialty." I wink. "And I'm glad to step down from the throne."

"So tell me what happened."

I explain what a jerk I am and how I don't want anyone to promise me anything. Not the moon, not the stars, but someone to spread out a blanket, lie down, and then watch the celestial show. "But first I have to make a promise to myself, that'll be true forevermore. I've let go of the rock and roll fairy tale, and I'm working on forgetting about the JQ and Josie happily ever after. It's time for me to be accountable for my actions and my life."

Penny's expression is faraway and dreamy. "But you love him?"

"Yes. But love is fucking hard. Don't do it." I'm only half joking.

She shakes her head with a laugh that rivals mine. "It isn't. Love isn't hard at all. It’s the easiest thing we can do. It's our differences and flaws, and expectations and disappointments, and all those mistakes that get in the way and make it difficult. Deal with those and you're golden."

"Yeah. Necessity is the mother of re-invention." I laugh. I've been so busy masterminding fun for others, much like my mother shaped my life, it's time I do something good for me." Like an E-sharp, the way that I'll rebuild my life, piece by piece and note by note, becomes clear.

Penny grimaces.

"Are you ok?" I ask.

"Cramps. I get them super bad."

"That reminds me, I think I missed my period. I don't even know when the last time I got it was. I've just let everything come entirely apart."

"You're probably just late. You're stressed. It happens. I missed mine for three months, which was great because no cramps, but hello, I'm a virgin." She glances at her watch, an old clunky thing and too big on her wrist. "I have to get to work. You're welcome to hang here or come down to the shop. I'll make you a dirty chai and we have these new hand pies this month. They're so good. Like Pop Tarts only better if such a thing was possible."

Pie reminds me intimately of JQ. "No, thanks. I'm good. Any word from schools?" I ask, washed with guilt that I haven't inquired more about her life.

A smile blooms on her face. "You're looking at a proud student of NYU. I sent my apps in under the deadline and received early acceptance. You helped tremendously."

"You worked hard."

"We both did. And so did the bank account. If you ever want to go to college, let's just say you won't have to apply for financial aid or rely on your parents. Anyway, promise you'll visit."

I give her a hug. "I will. You're awesome. Anyone ever tell you that?"

She shakes her head.

"Mind if I use your computer while you're gone?"

"Go ahead. Whoever put that video up sucks. They won't take it down though. Believe me; I tried every hack I know. I hope that you'll have better luck."

"I'll be working on it."

Before I do, I open a new browser and investigate applying to music school. My stomach flutters and a little shiver runs over my skin. It's almost as if I feel Bubbie, my grandmother, in the room with me, encouraging me.

I close my eyes and see her smiling face, always eager to chat, to hear what I had to say, to play cards, or listen to me play. I tried to erase her memory and missing her with music, alcohol, and Niko. I get the sense she'd like me to succeed doing what I love and with the people I love.

#Happiness.

"Ok. I'm ready," I whisper.

I'm nearly done with my first application—to MSM—when my stomach growls and my phone vibrates simultaneously.

It's Mitty. In one breath he says, "Niko overdosed, we're in the hospital. It has nothing to do with you, but—"

Fucking Kat. Apparently, Jill's crazy plan needs to happen sooner than expected. I breeze to the coffee shop and give Penny the short hand explanation. She pulls out her phone and in less than five minutes, she tells me the departure time out of Boston. "Financed by your crazy rash of kissing strangers and my film making skills. You're welcome, but you'd better hurry."

Chapter 81

During the flight my mantra is,
I have to own it
. Everything that I've done and will do is mine. By the time the plane touches down, the words sound less like Mrs. Quaid's soft voice and more like my own. I take a cab to the hospital where Jill meets me by the entry.

"I wasn't sure you'd go through with it and actually show up—a little sooner than I expected, but…" she says.

"I need closure. I love the Halos. Despite what you may think about me, I care about your band. And Niko. I don't want to see him throw it all away. And also, I've run from every difficult situation in my life, this time I'm not budging until I make things right."

She feigns gagging. "Wow. That was a lot of words."

"Pretend I wasn't speaking English," I say, engaging in her banter.

"I'm glad you're here though."

"Aw, the ice queen has a heart. Glad to sacrifice myself in the name of keeping my favorite band together."

"I'm the capital Q queen from now on as long as this works. I was able to dig up all the dirt I needed on Kat and then some. Get this; her real name is Berutha Fartinsky."

My cackling laugh is so loud an elderly woman with a walker gawks at me, alarmed.

"You made that up."

She lifts her hands in innocence. "Truth. And she's lived several lives, is older than you'd think, thanks to plastic surgery, and has worked many different jobs, most notably as a drug mule."

"Explains how she got him the stuff."

"Probably. So, this is how it's going to go down." She lowers her voice to a hush as we enter the hospital. The scent of cleaner and the humid food from the cafeteria turns my stomach as I pass, but I haven't eaten all day, so that probably doesn't help. I grip Jill's arm when we exit the elevator.

"You ok?" she asks.

"Just don't let me die," I say.

"You're in a hospital."

"You know what I mean." I second guess our plan until we reach the entry to Niko's private room. He rests in a bed, hooked up to an IV, and surrounded by balloons, flowers, and followers. I'd say he looks angelic except I know better.

Kenji and Mitty sit in a corner, and I give them a wave.

Kat snarls at me and then makes her face blank as though she's never seen me before.

The group closest to the bed parts and Niko's lips hitch into a smile. "All I had to do was almost die and you came back."

"Not funny," I say.

Jill stands off to the side. To anyone paying attention, it looks like she's on her phone.

"I'm sorry that this happened, but I came back to tell you, once and for all, that it's over between us. I can't ride this rollercoaster anymore."

"But babe, you're famous. We're Niksie—the sex video is, like, the most watched thing on the internet, ever."

"Yeah, about that. I want to formally ask that it be removed, permanently." I glance at Kat, expecting her to pounce on me, catfight style, but her stony mask doesn't budge; probably because there's security flanking the door.

"I thought we could broadcast it at the concerts. A real show us your tits kind of moment, you know? We could sell it too and make tons. It's so fucking hot." He reaches for me. "I missed you, babe."

His comment and motion disorients me, but I hang onto my composure. I just need another minute. What I'm doing is dangerous, but I have to prove I'm innocent and Kat's attempts to ruin me are both unnecessary and unfounded. But I'm also pissed. I may have given up taking the easy way out of situations, but I haven't lost the fight in me.

"You want to sell a video of us having sex?"

This conversation is sure to captivate everyone in the room. And why wouldn't it? I've already been publicly exposed and humiliated, by my own doing and Kat's. I glance at Jill and then speak clearly. "No. I do not agree to broadcasting or selling any videos of me and you having sex. I didn't and don't authorize its use."

We're hoping it doesn't come to it, but if needed, there's evidence of this conversation so we can get the video taken down. Then I lean closer and add, "You're a sellout, Niko. You need more money? More fame? What's going to be enough?"

The room spins, and I'm back in New York in the blanket fort with JQ; that's what it feels like to have everything I need and want: love, and like Penny said, it doesn't have to be so damn difficult.

"Josie, I need you."

"It's not me you need. I didn't think you wanted fame that bad. I thought it was about the music."

"It is, babe, but it's also about us."

I shake my head. "It was about us, but it's over. We want different things. We're different people." The wall behind the hospital bed blurs.

"Not that different. You know the reason I'm here. Needles plus heroin, that's something you're familiar with," he rasps.

"No, you asshole. I've told you before. I don't use drugs. I never have. I'll take a test if it comes to that. I have diabetes."

The room turns to shadows and then darkness as I collapse onto the floor.