Killing Kate (11 page)

Justin runs to the store to get me
popcorn and oil and when he gets back I show him how I make it.  “You heat the
oil up and put one kernel in.  Set it around medium high heat.  When the kernel
pops you pour the rest in, turn the heat down, cover the pan and start shaking
it around until the popping is done.”

“How do you know how much to pour
in?” Justin asks me.

I shrug.  “I just eyeball it. 
Enough to cover the bottom of the pan just barely is good for three people.”

He grins.  “You’re a homemade
popcorn genius.”

I laugh.  “Just wait until you
taste it.”

Once we have a huge bowl of fresh
popcorn and more beer I bring out my musical DVD collection.  We go through the
process of pulling each one out and giving opinions on them.

“Sound of Music?”

“Too cheesy.”

“Brigadoon?”

“Fuck no.  We’re not that drunk.”

“Annie?”

“Keep going.”

“How to Succeed in Business without
Really Trying?”

“That’s just dumb.”

“Into the Woods?”

“I thought you had Fiddler on the
Roof?” Justin interrupts.  He doesn’t realize that Devin and I are basically
playing a game.

“Oh, here it is!” I dramatically
produce my copy of Fiddler and hold it up for the boys to see.  I dim the
lights and we settle in.  Devin takes the armchair and Justin and I on the
sofa.  As planned, Devin passes out within thirty minutes, which is perfect. 
Justin, however, is still conscious and I weigh my options and consider
drugging him.  I’m also highly amused because he’s never seen the movie, and I
have a great time watching him react to everything.  He seems to really enjoy
it.  “You’re going to tell me you’re my long lost brother, right?” I say.  “You
seem to fit in with the Parkers really well.”

Justin laughs.  “This is great,” he
says.  “Popcorn, a movie, good company.”  He takes a long swig of his beer. 
“Jenna, I’m glad you and Devin are back in the neighborhood.  I know I keep
saying it, but I like being with you guys.”

“Thanks,” I say.  “We, er, like you
too.”

Justin rests his head against the
back of the sofa and looks at me.  His eyelashes are so long, I think.  Then he
leans in to kiss me.  My eyes pop open for a second but his lips relax me and I
fall into the kiss.  It lasts a few seconds and Justin pulls away.  “I’m
sorry,” he said.  “I’ve kind of wanted to do that since the funeral.”  He looks
sheepish for a second.  “I didn’t think it was a good time.”

“It’s okay,” I say.  “Justin, I…I
have to go.”  I stand up and grab a few bottles to recycle, needing busy
hands.  I need a cigarette.

“Go where?” he asks me.  “Did I
just freak you out?  Look, I’m really sorry.”

“No, you didn’t,” I say honestly. 
“I kissed you back, didn’t I?  If I didn’t want it, you’d know by now.  Right
now I’m going through some shit and I need to figure out what’s going on.”

He stands up and grabs the rest of
the beer bottles, including the one Devin’s hand is still clutching.  “Can I
help you with any of it?  Where are you going off to?”

I sigh and push my hand through my
hair.  “I know you’ve been playing chauffeur for Devin and I a lot so I hate to
ask, but I will anyway.  Do you feel like driving me someplace and hearing a
long story?”

*

We are in Justin’s car heading
downtown, back down Cicero.  I have the windows open and my hair is blowing
around me.  It’s cooler out tonight now that the sun went down.  “So I’m not
sure how I can say all of this without freaking you out,” I begin.  “So can you
listen and not say anything for a bit and then you can decide if you want to be
a part of this craziness?”

Justin nods, looking at the road. 
“I can do that for you,” he replies.

I take a deep breath.  “First I
have to ask you something.  How much do you know about what happened when Devin
and I lived with Jack?”  I swallow, hard.  “Your mom indicated that she knows
something about it.”

“It was hard not to know something
was wrong when we were kids,” Justin tells me.  “I know what I’ve observed and
a few things Devin has told me.”  A quick glance at me tells Justin I’m
uncomfortable, which I am.  “I’m sorry,” he says.  “Devin hasn’t told me much,
but I know enough to know that you weren’t in the best living situation.”

I nod and decide to fill in the
gaps.  There’s no gentle way to put it, so I just blurt it out.  “Jack used to
take money from men who wanted to have sex with me,” I say, hearing the words
coming out of my mouth but not really feeling them.  “I was probably six or
seven the first time.  Some of it’s a blur.  Jack did what he could for money,
but I was probably his biggest source of income.”  I feel like Kate is trying
to push her way out of me as I say this, but I am holding her back.  I don’t
want her around at all tonight.  I need to do some things on my own.  “You can
say something if you need to.”

“I’m sorry,” is all he can say. 
There’s really nothing else he can say.  “I really am.  If I had known I would
have helped you.  It makes me mad as hell to hear it, and if your dad were
alive, I’d probably turn this car around and kill him.”

“You couldn’t have helped,” I say. 
“And we’re all glad Jack is dead, believe me.  I know Devin blames himself, but
he couldn’t have helped either.”  I take another deep breath and lean my head
against the window of the car and look at the lights flashing by.  “What I’m
about to tell you is actually harder for me to say than what I just told you.”

“Jesus,” Justin says.  “What could
be worse?”

“Have you ever heard of
dissociative identity disorder?  Or D.I.D?” I ask.

Justin nods.  “The one where you
have alternate personalities in order to cope with painful things that happened
in your past?”

“You must read a lot,” I say. 
“You’re dead on.”

“Or watch a lot of TV,” Justin
admits.  “It’s not unheard of.”

“True,” I agree.  “So when bad
things would happen to me when I was a kid, ‘Kate’ would take over and endure
them.”

“Kate?” Justin says.  He glances at
me.  “You don’t look like a Kate.”

“Ha ha,” I say.  “My first doll was
named Kate.  She was one of those fancy dolls that looked like a little girl
dressed like the Queen of England, complete with a fake fur muff and plaid coat
and red pleather purse.  It was one of the few things my mother actually bought
me as a kid, and she got it because it sort of reminded her of me.  I used to
tell her all of the bad things that Jack did.  It took years of therapy to
remember that doll, actually, because Child Services didn’t let me take her
with when Jack went to jail. One day she appeared in the way that I know her
now.  We grew up together.  Sometimes she’s there when I’m not.  Sometimes
she’s with me at the same time and I can see her and hear her and talk to her. 
I’ve had long periods of time where I haven’t seen her, and there have been
entire weeks where I was her.”

“And she’s still in your life?” he
asks me.

“Yeah,” I say.  “I can’t seem to
get rid of her.  She comes and goes depending on when I need her and don’t. 
Sometimes she shows up when I don’t want her to, like after something happens
that I don’t like to think about.  Hence why you are driving me downtown.  She
was out last night and I need to find out what she was doing.”

“How do you know she was out last
night?” Justin asks me.  He stares ahead at the road.  His face is smooth and
is no indication of what he’s thinking, which I’d really like to know.  Does he
think I’m crazy?  He wouldn’t be wrong if he does, of course, but his opinion
matters a little bit.  I realize I like him enough to care and wonder if I
hadn’t gotten up so quickly where that kiss might have taken us.  I’d be home
right now, and maybe filled with less dread about what might happen at Drake’s.

Why the sudden turn of events?  I
was really enjoying myself with Drake the other night, but there’s something
about him that makes me know he’s not good for me.  He almost felt dangerous. 
Sex is a problem for me.  I enjoy it, a lot, but I can’t just let myself go
like I did the other night.  I’m like a heroin addict when it comes to sex.  If
heroin addicts could just do a little bit of heroin and walk away from it for a
week, they wouldn’t be heroin addicts.  I’m the same way with sex.  I need to
have it a lot or else I go crazy when I haven’t had it in a while.  Drake doing
all of the things he did to me was like satisfying a long craving I’d had. 
What he did to me in the restaurant still makes me flutter below the waist when
I think about it.

I look at Justin and think “this
guy is good for me”.  He’s calm and seems to be understanding of my craziness,
so far.  He’s trying to help Devin and me and he’s been really good to us.  Am
I attracted to him?  He’s definitely attractive, I think, but can he give me
what I need and crave?

“Kate was with someone last night,”
I explain.  “Someone that I….”  I wonder how much he’ll like me if I tell him
everything, I think, but I hate lying.  I never lie.  “I can’t really say I’ve
been seeing him, because we were together once.”  I don’t have to say what I
mean by “together”, Justin clearly gets the idea.  He doesn’t say or do
anything but I watch his face.  His jaw clenches up a couple of times the way
Devin’s does when he’s angry and is trying not to say something.  I probably
just ruined everything.   “I’m going there tonight because Kate was there with
him last night, and I need to find out what happened.”  He is silent for a
minute and it’s getting awkward.  “I’m not going to fuck him,” I decide to say,
and feel myself turn beet red.  Shit, I can’t believe I actually said that. 
But I also think Justin wants to hear it.

“Why do you care?” Justin finally
asks.  “Why not just stay away?”

I sigh.  It’s the fifty thousand
dollar question.  “Because everything Kate does affects me,” I tell him.  “My
entire life is lived with her in mind.  I’ve woken up to find that I’ve been
with guys I’ve never met, in their bed.  Do you know how awkward it is to wake
up next to someone whose name you don’t know?  Wearing clothes you don’t
remember you own?  I’ve woken up to groceries in my fridge I don’t even eat,
like carrots.  I hate carrots.  Those leftovers your mom sent us home with? 
She ate everything except one sandwich worth of food.  That probably pissed me
off more than the wild rampage she was on last night.”  Justin doesn’t smile at
my attempt at humor.  “Okay, maybe not.”

“I hope you know what you’re
doing,” he tells me, sounding angry as he talks with his jaw clenched tight. 
He sighs and finally glances at me.  “In all seriousness, I’m glad you told me
all of this, Jenna, I really am.”  A huge rush of relief fills me up at those
words.

“I understand if it puts you off,”
I say.  “I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is bat shit insane
like I am.  There’s too much drama.”

“Jenna,” Justin begins.  He pushes
a hand through his hair which is falling forward a bit, and I notice how long
his fingers are.  Artist’s hands.  “I will always be your friend.”  He reaches
over with those long fingers to take my hand and holds it.  I can’t resist
giving his a squeeze.  “I still want to be more.”

My heart is beating hard in my
chest and I can’t say anything.  I can’t tell if I’m going to cry or burst with
joy.  Thankfully I stay controlled and intact.

“Go clean up your mess tonight,” he
tells me.  “You can talk to me when you don’t have any loose ends to tie up
about how you feel about me,” he visibly blushes, and it’s cute.  “I mean, I’m
not assuming you feel anything about me or want to be with me.”  He stops
talking and shakes his head.  “I’ll shut up now.”

I smile slightly and put my hand on
the nape of his neck and put my fingers in his hair.  Soft, I think.  “I’m glad
you kissed me and I’m glad you told me that,” I say.  “But let me do this
tonight.”

“Let me take you to lunch this
week,” he says quickly.  “Maybe when Devin goes back to work.”

“Oh, so we’re sneaking around?” I
ask, smiling.

Justin shrugs.  “I’m not the one
who drugged my brother to go out on a booty call.”

“I didn’t drug him!” I gasp,
pretending to be appalled at his suggestion.  I totally drugged him in the
nicest way I know how.  “And it’s not a booty call.”  Well, it was turning out
not to be after this strange turn of events with Justin.  Before he’d kissed
me, it might have been just that.  Why do things happen in such a way to change
my intentions so quickly?  “I just happen to know that a large dinner plus
Fiddler on the Roof plus beer equals sleepy Devin.”

He definitely has.

“Well I guess you’re not ‘Kate’
tonight,” Drake tells me as I walk through his door.  He uses air quotes when
he says “Kate” and eyes me from head to toe.

“No, just Jenna,” I tell him.  “Is
that a disappointment?”  I put my purse down on a table by the door that looks
like a good place to put it and walk inside to his living room.