Kilgannon (18 page)

Louisa, the Duchess, and Becca's mother visited mid-March, saying as Randolph had, that I needed to be seen in society again to reclaim my position there. "Show them you have nothing to hide," the Duchess said. "And we'll be with you." I agreed. So back to London I went, back to the endless dinner parties and balls and theater and talk of politics and gossip. Randolph patted my shoulder and said I was brave. I didn't feel very brave, but I was back. I was received at first with curiosity and open appraisals of my waistline, and then, much sooner than I had imagined possible, was simply one more of the crowd. The gossips had moved on. And so had time.

An early spring was upon us, mild and wet, and I filled my days so full that I fell asleep as soon as I climbed into bed each night. But I could not control my dreams. In them I walked through the streets of London with Alex, laughing outside Westminster Abbey, or danced with him in my aunt's ballroom while her guests smiled at us. Far more disturbing, I dreamed that I rolled on a bed with a blond man, caught in his arms, feeling my hair slip across my naked shoulders as I leaned down to caress his thigh. And my nightmares, which had started after the attack and slowly left me, came back with a vengeance. In them, I was on the floor of a coach and the two men were attacking me. And Alex never came.

As March continued I faced my future. I'd braved London and survived, but it meant nothing to me. I'd seen Robert at several parties and had been, to his relief, cheerful and welcoming. But I'd refused to see him otherwise, and Louisa had not invited him to her house. The Duchess, as considerate as ever, arranged evenings one after the other for me, always consulting me on the guest list. Meg married a man thirty years her senior and I danced with Robert at her wedding, setting tongues wagging again. And Janice was now engaged to a minor lord in Hampshire. Everyone's life was changing except mine.

On the first day of April Robert arrived at Louisa's house with a bouquet of flowers and an invitation to his house in Kent for Easter week. And a note from his mother, sweetly written, asking us all to please join them. I had, it seemed, been deemed still acceptable. I held Robert's flowers before me, pretending to smell them, and considered. What were my choices? No other man had approached me, and Robert was attentive again. I'd be a fool to send him away. I could stay single and grow old alone, dependent on the charity of my family, or I could have a polite, if passionless, marriage. I didn't love Robert and I suspected I never would, but perhaps we could find a way to make some sort of life together. Certainly his wealth would help. I smiled at Robert and extended my hand. And watched his eyes light up.

Louisa and Randolph, and Will and Betty, had accompanied me to Robert's estate. Neither Randolph nor Louisa was especially pleased that Robert was courting me again. Both still harbored resentment for him and for his mother, but no one would have suspected it when they greeted Robert and his mother at her door like old friends. Which, I reflected, they were. Will was the one who was icy, thawing only when I reminded him that Robert, for all his faults, was a good man. Just not the man I wanted. Will pressed his lips together and nodded. There was more, I knew, that he wanted to say, but he said nothing now.

We stayed the week, keeping busy with riding and games and huge dinners every night. On the third day I wandered through Robert's garden with the other guests and paused beside an unexpected display. Bursting with pink blossoms, one lone rosebush demanded attention and I leaned over it, breathing in its fragrance with delight. As though he were behind me I heard Alex's voice say, Mary, ye smell like roses. I turned, but no tall blond man greeted me, and I shook my head to clear the memory. Alex was of the past, I told myself, and asked Robert's guest to repeat what she'd just said.

On the last day of our visit Will and I, with several other guests, were returning from riding when we saw two familiar figures on horseback outside Robert's main door, a horse with an empty saddle next to them. Angus and Matthew, visibly angry, watched us.

"It's Kilgannon's cousins," Will said.

"Where is Alex?" I asked, as though he might know. Will shrugged and we rode forward to meet them. The Scots were tight-lipped and pale. Angus responded when I greeted them. "Angus, where's Alex?" I asked, my horse dancing away from his. "Why are you here?"

Angus's tone was cool. "Yer Campbell willna admit us. He says ye dinna wish to speak to Alex."

"That's absurd! I did not even know he was here!"

"We sent a message to ye yesterday that we were arriving today. Matthew brought it."

I looked from Angus to Matthew. "Who did you give it to?"

"The butler, Mary," said Matthew, obviously unhappy.

"I never received it. I will discover what happened." I looked from one to the other of them. "But where is Alex?"

Angus gave me a tight smile. "Alex climbed the garden wall."

"He climbed the wall? He's in the garden?"

"Or somewhere. He said he'd look until he found you." I didn't wait for more. I threw myself from the horse and ran for the door. "Mary," Angus called after me, and I turned. "Be careful, lass, Alex is verra angry." I stopped and faced Angus. The rest of our riding party were reaching the Scots and watching us. Will was dismounting.

"With me, Angus?" I asked. "Is Alex angry with me?"

Angus gave a rueful shake of his head. Alex canna stay angry with ye for more than a minute, Mary Lowell. No, lass, it's Robert Campbell that has Alex so irate. And no doubt Robert is as displeased with Alex. I dinna ken what ye'll
find
. Be careful."

I nodded at Angus and ran up the stairs two at a time, pushing the huge door open, to the consternation of the staff just within. Ignoring them, I ran through the house to the garden, hearing Will pounding behind me. I did not see Alex, but several of Robert's guests surrounded me, eager to explain that a mad Scotsman, equipped with several swords, had jumped into the garden and demanded to speak with me. He'd asked where I was, but they had run from him, screaming. Robert had ordered Alex to leave, but Alex ignored him and roamed the house, asking everyone where Miss Lowell was, while Robert followed him, shouting. At last someone had told Alex I was out riding with a group, and still glaring at each other, Alex and Robert had withdrawn upstairs. I ran back into the house and found a page who said he knew where they were and would lead me to them.

Will clasped my arm. "Mary, let me go with you," he said.

"There's no need, Will. Truly." I patted his hand. "Neither of them will harm me." I patted the hand on my arm again to cushion my remark. "Will, I must go alone. Please." He nodded reluctantly.

Robert's house had been built in the late 1500s, with deep walls and doorways that were actually short passages, a door at each end of this enclosure. I nodded my thanks to the page and entered the first door. The second was partially ajar and I stopped before I reached it, for I could hear Robert and Alex arguing. Alex's voice changed in volume as if he were moving around the room, but Robert's angry voice was clear and close to me. I took a step forward and listened. Robert was speaking.

"... in a fashion that cannot continue, Alex. You are a dying breed. The Highlands cannot continue as they are. The world will come to you and that will destroy you. My cousin Argyll sees that, but you refuse to. You cannot seriously mean to take Mary there. She does not belong with you."

Alex's voice was cold. "That's not for ye to say."

"Someone has to get you to see clearly. You are not suitable for her. Mary has been raised in luxury among her peers. Kilgannon is not a place for someone like her. I cannot imagine you'd put Mary in a
croft house
, but you cannot give her the luxury she deserves. You have no money."

"Ye dinna ken my home," said Alex, his voice angry. "Kilgannon is not a
croft house
." There was a silence, then Alex's voice continued, quiet now and controlled. "I find ye disloyal to yer own people, Robert. Yer cousin Argyll sold our country to the English. That's why ye have money."

Robert's tone was icy. "Scotland was not sold, MacGannon."

"Aye, Campbell, it was. By yer family among others, and now yer prospering while the rest of us starve." "Then wake up and understand what is happening. The English have the power. That's why we backed the Union. Join the English and you will have the power too."

Alex snorted. "Ye mean sell myself."

"No," said Robert. "But the old ways are dying. Join us."

"Never. It's what makes me a Scot instead of a lackey for the English." There was another long silence and then Robert spoke.

"You're papists," he said. "She'll never accept your faith."

"She doesna have to," Alex answered.

"What of children? What religion would you raise them in?"

"This is none of yer concern. It is between Mary and me."

"You are only thinking of your own desires!" Robert cried.

"As ye are! Dinna pretend yer trying to protect her."

There was a pause and then Robert spoke again in a calmer voice. "Think, Alex. All your wealth is in your land or your ships, and you now have one less of them. If you need ready coin you have none. But I do. I can offer her safety. She can stay among her own people in England. I can give her everything she will ever need. I will keep her safe. If you care for her, you will withdraw your suit. Leave now and she'll never know you were here."

Alex's voice was weary, each word weighty. "I'll not discuss this with ye further, Robert. Mary will decide what her wishes are, not ye, not I. If she chooses me, ye will have to accept it."

"And if she chooses me?"

"Then I will accept it. But I'll hear it from Mary, not from ye—and not from yer damned butler—that she doesna wish to see me. I willna talk further on it with ye. I'll go and find her now."

I pushed the inner door open. "That won't be necessary," I said. Both men turned to me. The room was large and handsome, high-ceilinged and paneled in dark walnut, with rugs scattered on the floor. Robert leaned on a long table that ran the length of the room, while Alex stood in front of the fireplace opposite him, flanked by tall windows. With the light from the window behind him, I could not see Alex's face clearly. Robert's had paled as I entered.

"Mary," Robert said, moving toward me. Alex stood motionless.

"Robert," I asked, "did you tell the MacGannons I would not see Alex?"

Robert raised his chin but did not flinch. "Yes."

"And," I continued, "was there a note delivered yesterday for me saying that Alex would arrive today?"

"I did not think it wise that you see him." "I see," I said. "And you did not think I might have some part of this decision?"

Robert gestured to Alex. "He's leaving, returning to Kilgannon. What difference does it make if you see him now?"

I turned to Alex but could not see his expression. "Is this true?" I asked him.

"Aye," Alex said, "
I
must go home."

"I see." I waited a moment. "Why are you here?"

Alex glanced at Robert, then looked at me. "To talk with ye."

Robert looked as miserable as Alex sounded. "Robert," I said. "I'd like to speak to Alex alone." With a nod Robert walked stiffly past me, shutting the door behind him. I could hear the second door close as well, but I opened the inner door to look. The passage was empty. When I turned, Alex was before me.

T
HIS WAS AN ALEX I'D NEVER SEEN, PALE AND WEARY, A bleak expression in his eyes. He looked as though he hadn't slept in days. "Mary," he said, "how much did ye hear?"

"Enough." I moved to the
fireplace
, then glanced at him. "I want to thank you for the cloak, Alex. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen."

"Yer welcome." He looked out the window, then back to me. "Mary, I... It's good to see ye."

I felt my cheeks flush. "And you, Alex. How have you been?"

"Fine." He shook his head. "No, lass, that's not true." He met my eyes, then turned abruptly away. We can't make this work, I thought. We both want to, but we can't.

"How was your Christmas?" I asked quietly.

He went to the window and stood looking out. "Lonely."

"Mine too," I said, and took a deep breath. "Alex, I'm very sorry for the way I behaved the last time I saw you." He turned to me in surprise. "I hope you will forgive me." I watched as his expression grew warmer.

"Forgive ye, lass? It's ye who should forgive me."

"You've done nothing that needs forgiving. The fault is mine. You saved my life, Alex, and you thought I still needed protection. I understand that now."

He nodded. "Mary," he said, taking a step toward me and then stopping. "I'm sorry for the things I said to ye, lass. It's true, I wasna thinking of the spot I'd put ye in by taking ye with me. I dinna mean to make ye the sport of London. Ye must ken that, Mary. I would not have had ye face that alone."

"Who told you that I did?"

"Yer brother wrote to me often. He's kept me abreast of... of what's been happening with ye."

"I see," I said, remembering Will's behavior of late. His anger with Robert had not dissipated as I had thought. "I wrote to you as well," I said. "Months ago. Did you get my letter?"