Keep From Falling (Markson Grove Series Book 1) (56 page)

“Evan wants me to choose… between my friendship with you or my relationship with him.”

There I said it. I hate it, but I said it.

Skylar takes a step away from the table and slowly takes another gulp of her drink. Her eyes narrow, and I see pain distinctly written all over her face as she stares off into the distance. She's so hurt by this, so much more than I had expected her to be, considering how, only a week ago, she was ready to kick me out of her life for good. She takes a seat on the bed and continues to stare at the wall across from her.

“Did you tell him that's completely ridiculous?” she says finally.

I walk over to the other bed and sit opposite her. “I’m not so sure that it is. And besides, you said the same thing when you found out about Evan. I wanted to keep you in my life and you told me that I have to make a choice and then watch one of us walk away.”

She rubs her brow as if to ward off a headache. “And it’s me you want to watch walk away? Don't give me that shit, you know I was just really hurt and pissed at the time. Obviously I didn't want you out of my life forever. I already miss you so much.”

I sigh. “But I think Parker feels the same way Evan does about us. I don't think he wants you being friends with me either.”

“That's not true,” she insists.

“Are you sure? Because when he heard me tell Evan that I have to think about it, Parker gave me a pretty dirty look from where you two were sitting.” I’m trying to make her understand that this isn't just Evan's issue. He's just the first one to put it out there.

“No. He would be ok with it once he got to know you. If it were strictly platonic, he'd be ok with it. He would never make me drop you from my life!” she says, raising her voice angrily. She's so mad right now that I'm afraid she might charge out of the room in search of Evan just so she can slap him across the face.

Thank God she doesn't. Instead, she takes a steady breath and tries a different tactic, this time much more calmly executed. “I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything I’ve done to you. I’ve lied to you, I took advantage of your feelings, and I used your emotions to help myself through my pain and confusion. I made you my replacement for Parker.”

Is that what happened? Did she use me?

“What do you mean you used my emotions?”

“I knew you were attracted to me. I played on it because I was scared and I needed someone to hold me up. It was wrong.”

“How did you know?” I ask, incredulously. I was barely aware of my own feelings toward her before our first kiss, how on earth did she see it?

She shrugs, “I just did. And then I expected you to love me the way that he did, and that was wrong too. It was selfish, probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. But I never expected for us to fall in love with each other, and more importantly, I never ever meant to hurt you like I did. I don't want to live my life without you in it. Please don't make this choice because you think that I do.”

I truly thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could say goodbye to Skylar and choose Evan and we'd move on with our new significant others and all would be forgotten. But I can't just walk away from us like that. All these years being friends, thrown away like it's nothing. I can't do that. I reach for the bottle of vodka and take a swig, not bothering to mix it with the cream soda this time.

I can’t do this. Can I?

I take another large gulp and I feel the liquid courage taking over my emotional self. I
can
do this. I love her and she doesn't love me back anymore. Not like that. We can't go back to
just friends.
She's the one who told me that.

“I still love you,” I say to her with a tremble in my voice. “And I know you know that. Apparently it isn't much of a secret to anyone anymore. But I can't have you like that anymore because I fucked up. You’ve moved on and it hurts so much. And you were right before, we can't go back… And Evan
wants
me. He knows I still love you and he wants me anyway.”

“For a price!” she exclaims. She reaches out to take both of my hands into hers, and once she does she squeezes them tightly. “Are you honestly telling me that you have no problem choosing his love over everything we have?”

I hate that she's making this so hard. She wanted this first!

“What happens if I choose you and a month from now Parker can't handle it, will you choose me over him? Over your soul mate?” I ask her pointedly, already certain of the answer.

“He would never make me choose,” she replies. But she's wrong, he's jealous of me and I've seen it. I know what I know, and it's only a matter of time before he’ll make her choose him over me. Then I'll have nobody.

“Did you get your acceptance letter to Hudson?” I ask her.

She purses her lips together tightly. I can tell she’s grinding her teeth and trying not to flip out on me. The question isn’t fair, and I know it.

“You knew I wasn’t going to get that letter,” she replies with narrowed eyes.

“So what are you going to do then?”

She shrugs, “I’m not sure yet. Probably going to stick around Markson Grove for an extra year, get a job, and save up some money. I was thinking of moving out of Cecelia’s place and getting a place of my own.”

There’s my confirmation. Skylar and I are going our separate ways. Nothing will be the same after graduation, so why try to prolong the inevitable?

“This is the right thing for me to do. I’m leaving to university in a few months and Evan's going to the same school as I am. He loves me and he wants me to be his. It makes sense.”

“Is his love worth ignoring all of who
you
are?” she demands. Her words break into my comfort zone and touch a place in my soul I like to pretend doesn’t exist. She’s reaching for my emotions, and I don’t like where she's trying to take them.

Who
I
am? What does that even mean, really? I am Bree, Skylar’s friend, love, and sister. I am Bree, Evan’s devotion, love, and happiness.

“I don't know who I am,” I tell her, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me, but I hate that she’s pushing me like this.

“Listen to your heart, you know what it's telling you.”

“My heart says I love him back…the way he loves me,” I whisper. I wipe away a batch of tears seeping from my eyes. Even as I'm saying these words, my heart is screaming out to me; calling me out on the lie.

Skylar takes in an unsteady breath, holds it in for a moment and then exhales long and slow. “Maybe you do,” she says, but I know she knows better.

“Are you doing this because you don’t want me to choose him?” I demand in frustration.

“I’m doing this for you! Because you need to make a choice based on the truth! And you won’t know the truth unless you face it!”

Now she’s sounding like my father. She wants me to choose a path, but she doesn’t see that the path she wants me to choose is a lonely one. She won’t be walking with me down that path; I’ll be alone now that’s she’s chosen Parker. I don’t want to be alone.

“Evan wants me,” I say stubbornly. “Any way he can have me. I don’t have to be alone if I choose him.”

“But you’ll be lying to yourself, Bree. And to him!”

“I don’t care! What do you want me to say?” I yell at her in exasperation, “You want me to tell you that I’m gay? Is that what you want to hear? Will that make you feel better?” I’m shocked by my own words. Did I really just say that out loud?

“Are you?” She asks quietly, looking deep into my eyes.

Do I want to go there? My heart wants me to, I know that it does, but the minute I do, everything will change.

“Yes,” I confess, defeated. “I know I’m not meant to be with a guy.”

Skylar lets out a breath of air, which I am only noticing now she had been holding in anticipation of my reply.

“But I care about Evan so much,” I continue on quickly. “I could be with him and love him and live happily. I know I could.”

“You’d be lying to yourself. Do you really want to live your life that way? Staying with someone because it’s safe? Or do you want to go out there and truly live life with someone who will take your breath away?”

“Is that what you’re doing?” I ask her bitterly. “Are you truly living now?”

“B,” she begins, her voice trailing off.

“Don’t judge me for this,” I say. “I can’t have you, and I don’t want to be alone.”

She stares me in the eyes for a long while, struggling for a response. I can tell by the look on her face that my decision has completely shocked her.

I watch as her face contorts into a pained expression of acceptance, and she reaches out to me. “I fucking hate this,” she says in devastated defeat, pulling me into an embrace. I receive it wholeheartedly, wrapping my arms around her tight and never wanting to let her go.

The tears begin to flow effortlessly now, and I no longer try to hold them back. This heartbreaking farewell has opened a floodgate directly from my soul and I can’t seem to figure out a way to make it stop.

After a few moments, I move away and look up into her eyes. She brushes away the tears flowing from my cheeks, and the minute her soft hand touches my face, I push my body against hers once more, and then, without thinking about it at all, I kiss her.

Evan

“I seriously hope Bree chooses you and decides to switch rooms with me because I can’t stand spending another minute with Penelope Lance, I swear to God!” Kelsie announces in exasperation as she, Derrick, and I take our seats at a table in the restaurant of the hotel.

I shake my head. “Seriously?” I ask in disbelief. “My love life is crashing and burning all around me and all you’re worried about is getting away from Penelope Lance?”

Derrick takes Kelsie’s hand into his and kisses it softly. “Babe, you know I love you, but sometimes you’re an idiot.”

She yanks her hand away, shoots him a dirty look, and slaps him on the shoulder hard. “Well, it’s not always about Evan, jeez, other people are suffering, and I’m one of them. Someone has to save me from her! I can’t room an entire week with her. This is what I get for not having any girl friends.”

“You’ll be fine,” Derrick says patting her hand. He turns his attention to me, “How about you, Ev? Hanging in there?”

“Maybe I should call her. Tell her we’re down here eating so that she can join us if she wants.”

“I think you should give her some time to talk to Skylar,” Derrick says.

I know he’s right. But God, do I ever hate it! Talking with Skylar can lead to other things; other things I really don’t want to be thinking about her doing.

“I just hate not knowing. If she does something up there with her, is it cheating? Are we even really together anymore? Everything is on hold, is our relationship on hold too? This sucks so much.”

“It sucks, but really Evan, what is belly-aching about it going to do?” Kelsie asks and she has a point. But what else am I supposed to do, walk around laughing like nothing is happening?

I look toward the entrance of the restaurant. Parker and Spencer are walking in, carrying on a deep conversation about something they both appear to be passionate about. Spencer says something and laughs, Parker laughs right along with him.

It’s so weird seeing the two of them hanging out together like this. How did this happen anyway? Last I checked Spencer wasn’t sure about trusting Parker. Something must have happened between the two of them after Skylar was attacked last week. They’ve bonded and become best friends since then. Out with Tris and in with Spencer, I guess.

“Why don’t you talk to Parker about it? Might give you some perspective. He seems to be handling it fine,” Kelsie suggests. I know the comment isn’t meant to be a shot at me, but it comes across that way. Maybe it’s because she’s obviously right, he does seem to be handling it much better than I am.

“I don’t need to talk about it with Parker,” I snap. “I just need to stop thinking about it, that’s all.”

I pick up the menu on the table and pretend to be concentrating on it very hard as Spencer and Parker approach our table.

“Hey guys,” Spencer says, nodding to Derrick and Kelsie and then looking at me. “Where are Bree and Sky?”

I look up at him with raised eyebrows and my mouth draws out in a straight line. “Where do you think?” I ask with no hint of amusement in my voice.

He turns to look at Parker who’s smile instantly fades. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that this bothers him too, but not by much. I’d much rather it not be happening at all.

Spencer takes a seat at the table beside us and Parker sits across from him. I keep watching Parker’s facial expressions and body language, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. But Parker is like Fort Knox with his emotions, it’s hard to know what he’s thinking at any given time. I don’t know how he manages to keep it all inside like that all the time. It can’t be easy.

Kelsie shoots me a questioning look. I can tell that she’s wondering why Parker is sitting next to us like he’s my friend now. I return her look with one of exasperation. I want to be able to explain it to her, but honestly, I’m not even completely sure how it happened myself.