Kayden: The Past (30 page)

“One more push, Sophia,” the doctor between her legs said.

“I can’t. I’m too tired.”

“Come on, baby. We’re so close. You’re the strongest woman I know.” I patted her forehead with a damp cool cloth.

“It hurts too much, Kayden.” Her head tossed back and forth.

“You can do it.” The doctor patted her legs. “Now, Sophia.”

She squeezed my hand so tightly I thought she’d break my fingers. I didn’t say anything though; I’m not stupid. She pushed, and I held her back with my thankfully free hand, helping to hold her up while she gave everything she had.

“Excellent, a little more.” She crunched her body up, and the doctor started to move back. I held my breath as the baby came into view. “It’s a boy.”

Sophia began to cry, and I stood there in awe. She’d given me a boy, delivered him safely to me, and we were forever part of another human being. We’d be together forever somewhere on this planet passed along to the generations. “It’s a boy. I knew it would be,” Sophia said.

I couldn’t stop the flood of tears as I looked at our baby. To create a life is the most amazing thing in the world. To watch the woman you love bring that life into the world is indescribable. I cried the day our baby was born – my heart finally felt complete; I was whole again.

“You were right, Sophia. I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now.” I watched as they carried our baby boy over to a small table and started checking him and cleaning off his tiny body. His screams filled the air, and I stood there and didn’t move. I almost held my breath and was scared to blink, thinking the sight in front of my eyes would vanish and be a dream.

“Hey,” Sophia said as she squeezed my hand. I looked at her and smiled. “He’ll be okay; it’s normal he’s crying. Don’t worry, love.”

I leaned over and placed a kiss on her lips, “You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted, Sophia. You’re the world to me, and my life’s complete. A boy, Sophia, a boy,” I said in amazement.

“I love you, Kayden.” She stared in my eyes as I backed away from her lips. “We need to pick a name.”

“I didn’t spend too much time on boy names. I was sure as shit the baby was going to be a girl,” I said.

“Well I like Jett or Tristan,” she said.

“Tristan brings too many images of Brad Pitt on a horse; Jett sounds badass. I like it.” I kissed her forehead and watched as the doctor approached with a calmer baby in his arms.

“Who’d like to hold him first?” the doctor asked.

“Go ahead, Kayden,” Sophia said as she pushed my arm away from her.

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I didn’t ask her again. I held out my arms as the doctor placed Jett in my arms. Relief flooded my body as I stared at the small baby with pure white skin and dark brown hair. He had a head of hair like his Mom, but his eyes were closed. I touched his hand, and his fingers moved. I held them between my fingers and couldn’t believe how tiny he was. I sat down next to Sophia with him in my arms.

“I love you, baby boy. I’ve waited a lifetime to meet you.”

I thought my life changed forever when Sophia pulled into my apartment parking lot, but I was wrong, as usual. Jett turned everything right-side up. Sophia had given me the greatest gift and brought joy into my life. I’d do anything for her. She asked me months before his birth to see a counselor, and I agreed.

I’d stopped drinking long before her pregnancy, not wanting to risk losing Sophia. No drink in the world was worth that risk; she deserved better than that. Counseling helped me identify my triggers – women and trust issues stemming from my father. Writing out my life story helped the counselor and I to reflect on the journey that’s my life. It was all a choice – I chose to drink, do drugs, and wallow in my own self-pity. I wanted my life back.

Sophia gave it back to me and showed me the light. She made me find my way back to my true self, the one I always portrayed on the outside, but didn’t believe I was during the dark times in my life.

I’ve been sober for well over a year. Does liquor call my name still? Yes… it’s an addiction for a reason, but I fight every urge that comes my way. I don’t crave a drink because things are fucked up in my life, but because my body craves it, but I don’t need it. Liquor can fuck off and go ruin someone else’s life. For once, I’m content and happy with Sophia and Jett in my future.

Dearest Kayden,

I read your journal as you wrote each word and followed you on your journey of self-exploration. Let me begin by simply saying I love you. I love you more today than I did yesterday. I never knew I could love another human being as much as I do you. I didn’t think it was possible for love to grow over time, but it has, and my heart is full.

I’m sorry I invaded your privacy and read beyond what you told me yourself. I knew you filtered your story thinking I wouldn’t be able to deal with the whole truth, but I’m a big girl and can absorb it all and still accept you for the man you are today. You’ve led a full life filled with heartache, addiction, and let’s not forget the sex. I skipped over most of those stories in your journal.

I’ll never leave you. I’m yours entirely and forever. I still love you for the man you were, are and will be. You’ve evolved during our time together, and you’re always surprising me and filling my days with the great unknown. You’ve wiped the navy blue out of my world. Each day, I’m greeted by a world filled with a kaleidoscope of colors.

You love me like no one else ever has and never will. You’re it for me, the one I searched a lifetime for and finally found. We may have found each other later in life, and you may have suffered because of it, but it’s molded you into the man I love. I know you question how life would’ve been different if we met earlier, but you can’t look at it that way. I was a mousy school girl who had her nose stuck in a book… you would have scared the crap out of me. I would have been another notch on your bedpost and forgotten. We were meant to find each other when we did. I’m sorry you’ve walked such a tortured path at times, but I’m here to dust you off when needed and hold your hand along the way.

You’re mine always, and I’m yours forever. Jett is ours, a little piece of us will always roam this earth, and we’ll never be forgotten. I can never express my sorrow for the loss of your child so many years ago. I pray he is watching over Jett and keeping him safe from harm.

Thank you for loving me enough to overcome your addictions and to keep fighting the battle each day.

I only feel at home when I’m lying in your arms. I feel safe by your side and never question my worth. I feel beautiful when you look at me and know that I’m loved each day when I kiss you goodbye.

Love always and yours forever,

Sophia
 

P.S. I read how you ruined Danielle
after she left, bad boy. That alone will make me stay and never walk away.  Oh, you were a man whore; I knew I was right about you.

Chapter 1 - The Darkness
Suzy’s Story

The road was dark as I drove down the desolate street. The moonlight illuminated the empty grassy fields and trees dotted the roadway. My steering wheel began to shake, and the car started making a hideous noise.

“Damn it,” I said, hitting the steering wheel with my palm. My piece of shit car had been acting weird for the last couple of weeks, but I didn’t have the money to get it checked.

I pulled off the road, turning on my hazards, as the car sputtered before dying. I shook my head thinking about the bad luck that seemed to be following me for weeks. I exhaled loudly, flexing my grip on the steering wheel, trying to calm my frazzled nerves. Times like this made me regret living in the country, far from my family and most of my friends.

It was late, but I knew I could call Sophia. Kayden treated us to dinner and drinks tonight; it had been over a month since Sophia had met me for drinks. He wanted to give Sophia a girl’s night out and wanted their little boy, Jett, all to himself.  Sophia lived close to the martini lounge we spent the evening at, but maybe I could catch her or Kayden awake and willing to help me out.

I grabbed my cell phone off of the passenger seat and flipped it open. “Shit.” The battery was dead, and the screen wouldn’t even power on. I looked in my rearview mirror to see if anyone was coming in my direction, but nothing except darkness filled my view. My heart began to pound in my chest as scenes from every horror movie I’ve ever seen with a lonely woman broken down on the side of the road being murdered in a gruesome manner filled my mind. 

I closed my eyes concentrating on my breathing, trying to think of what to do now.
Do I start walking to God knows where?
Should I just sit here and wait for a stranger to offer me help?
I didn’t like any of those options. I never liked feeling helpless; I was too smart to be helpless, but that was the only thing I felt in this moment. I couldn’t just sit here and wait. It could be hours before someone found me in my car on this isolated road. Why did I always feel the need to avoid main roads, looking for a short cut to find my way home?

I climbed out of my car and closed the door locking it up tight. I don’t know why I felt the need to make sure it was locked; no one was out here wandering around, let alone looking to steal my stuff. I leaned against my car thinking about which direction I’d walk. Neither of my options were ideal or close, and I was exhausted from working all day. Thank God I could sleep in tomorrow after the way this evening was ending. I remembered seeing a gas station a couple miles back, and I felt that would be my safest bet. I didn’t know what was in the other direction besides my home, but that was over twenty miles away. I pressed the lock button one more time on my key chain, helping relieve my OCD need to double check everything before pushing my body from the car.

I only walked about five steps when a light came over a small hill in the distance and almost blinded me. The roar of the engine, growing louder as the distance closed, tipped me off that a motorcycle approached. I waved my arms as a figure came into view, but the biker drove right passed me as I screamed “Hey! Hey!” and waved my arms.

I turned around still screaming toward the bike, but I knew it was futile. There was no way in hell he’d heard me yelling above the roar of his engine. The red of his break lights lit up the road as he slowed and turned the bike around. He was coming straight at me. I swallowed hard unsure if this was my best idea of the night. I’ve already made too many mistakes to dwell. He was my only hope to getting home and crawling in my bed.

I stood on the side of the road like a deer in headlights, unable to move. My hands began to shake, and my breathing grew shallow as the figure on the bike came to a stop in front of me. The bike was loud, almost deafening, and covered in black and chrome. The man wore black boots, jeans, and a leather jacket. By the time my eyes reached his face, he’d removed the helmet. His hair was black and short on the sides and a bit longer on top. He ran his fingers through his hair, freeing it from the smashed down state caused by his helmet. He had on riding glasses with yellow lenses. I assumed to stop the onslaught of bugs from blurring his vision. His face was only visible in shadows caused by the moonlight.

“Need some help, lady?” he asked.

I swallowed hard, unsure of how to respond. He looked more dangerous than anything that could be lurking in the woods. “Do you have a cell phone I could use to call for a ride?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said leaning back on his bike. I studied his body as he reclined digging in his pocket to retrieve the phone. His jeans were tight, and his muscles showed through the denim fabric. He held out the phone to me, but I was too busy staring at him to notice. “Lady, you wanted my phone.”