Katie's Glimpse (The Glimpse Series) (20 page)

Loved, he said
loved- past tense.

I reached out for
him, but he dodged me. “I can’t do this. You aren’t who I thought you were. I’m
done. No, we’re done.”

He walked to the
door, opened it and was gone without a look back. I ran to the doorway and
yelled out his name, but he ignored me, just like in my dream. He got in his
truck and drove away. I closed the door, collapsing onto the floor. I welcomed
the panic attack as it began. I deserved to drown in my misery after everything
I’d done.

Levi was gone, and
he wasn’t coming back. The rest of that Sunday, I was a wreck. I had a terrible
panic attack that lasted into the evening, but I wouldn’t take my medicine. I
just let the panic take me under. When it was finally over, I dragged my sweaty,
exhausted body to the couch and slept.

When I woke up
Monday, I felt like I’d been run over. My entire body hurt, along with my
heart. I didn’t go to class, didn’t shower, and didn’t eat. I just lay on the
couch and sobbed until there were no tears left. I felt the fingers of
depression reaching out to pull me under for good, so I closed my eyes and did
the only thing I knew to do. I prayed like I’d never prayed before. I poured
out my heart and gave God all my pain: the pain over the one man I’d truly
loved and lost, over the boy I’d foolishly trusted, and over the blond- haired,
blue-eyed monster that continued to haunt my dreams. I gave God all my shame
too: the shame I felt for the mistakes I’d made and lies I’d told, but mostly
for abandoning my son and Him. I asked Him to forgive all my sins. Sins, that
for so long, I thought didn’t deserve forgiveness. As I lay on the couch open
to God and unafraid, I felt a peace come over me. It was a peace like I hadn’t
felt in a long time.

I thanked God for
sending Levi into my life, even if it was just for a short time. Levi had showed
me that I mattered to God. That He loved me no matter what, and waited for me
with open arms to come back to Him. I remembered the words Levi had said at the
bonfire after he asked me to church.
God misses you, Katie.
I remembered
his uplifted hand as he praised God next to me Sunday after Sunday and the way
he prayed over me when I was scared or hurt. As I remembered the worn pages of
his Bible, I knew what I needed to do.

I got off the couch,
showered and got dressed. I got in my car and turned to the Christian radio
station Levi always listened to. A song began to play that I didn’t recognize,
but when I heard the words, I gasped. They struck my heart like an arrow. I sat
in the parking lot and listened to the song. It was called “Never Beyond
Repair” by Everfound. When it was over, I sat stunned and thought about what
Levi might say about it.
God will use whatever He can to get your attention.
He loves you and wants you to know that He’s here for you, no matter what
you’ve done.
I couldn’t hold back the tears that fell from my eyes. This
was God speaking to me through a song.

I dried my eyes,
said a “thank you” to Him and drove to the book store. I made my way through
the aisles knowing what I was looking for. I finally found the right section
and smiled. I rushed over and picked up a new Bible. I held it to my chest as a
tear rolled down my cheek. I paid for it, not even concerned at the strange
looks I received from the clerk as I clutched the Bible tightly to me and
cried. I spent the rest of the evening studying God’s word and praying for
guidance in my life.

***

I got up Tuesday and
went to class. I still missed Levi, but knew God would heal my broken heart as
time passed. I loved him so much and prayed for his heart to heal. I didn’t
know what God had planned for his life, but I knew it would be something great
even if it didn’t include me anymore.

I went to work,
unsure how I would react when I saw Levi, but he wasn’t there. I was
disappointed, yet relieved. I knew God had given me more strength than I’d ever
had, but my heart still ached for Levi almost constantly. I finished out the
workday and went home. I felt like God wanted me to do something. I had an idea
of what it was, but I had a lot of praying to do first. I sat on my bed and
opened my Bible.

“Show me, Lord. I’m
ready for whatever You want me to do,” I prayed out loud.

I turned to a verse
I knew well. It was Philippians 4:13 “I am able to do all things through Him
who strengthens me”. I smiled as I thought about how many times I’d repeated
that verse to myself while growing up. I felt the Lord lead me to John 16. I
read the whole chapter but when I read verses thirty-two and thirty-three, I
knew I had my answer. “Look: An hour is coming and has come, when each of you
will be scattered to his own home, and you will leave Me alone. Yet I am not
alone, because the Father is with me. I have to tell you these things so that
in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous!
I have conquered the world”. Tears of joy fell from my eyes. I knew what I had
to do. I spent some time reflecting on my life and made a new plan.

I picked up my phone
and with a shaking hand, dialed a number I knew so well. “Momma, I’m coming
home,” I said when she answered the call.

I didn’t want to
tell her over the phone what I had decided to do, so I only told her that Levi
and I were no longer together and that I’d be home on Thursday.

 When I woke up
Wednesday, I called the college. The semester would be over soon, so I asked to
take all my finals that day. The counselor agreed, so I got ready and headed to
school.

I barely finished
all my exams in time to grab a quick lunch before I went to work. I took a few
deep breaths when I parked my car in front of the office and repeated
Philippians 4:13 to myself. I walked through the door with a real smile on my
face.

Sydney was behind
the counter. “Hey, Katie, what are you so happy about?” she asked with a smile.

I laughed. “I’m
excited about some things God is doing in my life.”

She beamed at me.
“Oh, that’s awesome. I’m so glad for you.”

I glanced over at
the hallway. “Is he here today?”

Her smile fell and a
sorrowful look crossed her face. “Yeah, but he’s not doing very well though.”

I bit my bottom lip
to fight back the tears. “Do you mind staying a little longer? I need to talk
to him.”

“No I don’t mind,
sweetie. Go talk to him.”

 I repeated that
verse in my head again and walked to his office. The door was closed, and I
found that odd. He’d always kept his door open. I knocked and when he answered,
I noticed his voice sounded strained.

I open the door and
stepped into his office. My heart broke all over again when I saw him. His
clothes were wrinkled, like he had slept in them, and he had dark circles under
his eyes. He hadn’t shaved in a while either and was well on his way to having
a beard.

 I closed the door
behind me and took a deep breath. The way he looked tore me up inside. I looked
into his eyes and saw so much pain. I took a step towards him, but he held his
hand up and shook his head. I put my hand on my chest, covering my heart as he
ripped it out again.
He’s never going to forgive me.
I felt tears sting
my eyes. I tried to fight them back but a few slipped out.

  “I’m not here to
beg you to come back to me. I just wanted to thank you for showing me the way
back to God and for letting me love you. I’m going back to Springfield
tomorrow. I’ve got some things to make right, and I don’t know when I’ll be
back,” I said, my voice sounding hoarse.

He surprised me and
smiled. “Katie, that’s wonderful. I’m going to keep praying for you. God’s
going to give you the strength to handle whatever comes your way.”

It really is over
for good.
I’d held out a
tiny bit of hope that Levi would come back to me, but I could now see that
wasn’t part of the plan.

Tears streamed down
my face. “I can’t stay here today. Will you apologize to Sydney for me? I’ve
got to go,” I said as I fled his office. I ran past the counter and out the
door to my car. No one followed me out as I got in and drove away.

 When I got to my
apartment, I packed several suitcases since I didn’t know how long I’d be gone.
I changed my mind about waiting until the next day and loaded my car up for the
drive home. I kept my Bible on the passenger seat and listened to Christian
music as I drove the two hours home. I watched the beautiful Tennessee country
side roll by and felt surrounded by the Lord’s spirit, and I was unafraid.

***

I made it to my
parents’ house by late afternoon. I didn’t even reach the front door before it
opened and both my parents were standing there. I rushed into Mom’s open arms
as my tears immediately started to fall.

She hugged me close
and kissed my cheek. “I’m so glad you’re home,” she said, her voice sounding
thick with emotion. After a moment, she released me and it was Dad’s turn.

He pulled me in for
a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. “I missed you, pumpkin.”

They led me inside
and as I looked around, I realized everything was the same here, nothing had
changed- nothing but me.

“Where’s Ash?” I
asked, trying to focus on the reason I was there.

 Mom smiled. “He’s
asleep in his crib. It’s about time for him to wake up. Why don’t you go on up
and see him. We’ll put your bags away.”

I dashed up the
stairs, ready to see my sweet boy. I opened the door to the nursery and crept
over to his crib. There he was, my beautiful Asher, asleep on his belly. I saw his
perfect little pouty lips and reached down to lightly touch them. He opened his
eyes and rolled over onto his back. He smiled when he saw me, his chubby cheeks
calling to me for a kiss, and my heart melted. I picked him up, held him close,
and inhaled his sweet baby scent. His blond hair stood up on top of his head. I
ran my hand over it, savoring the silky soft texture.

He lifted his head
from my shoulder and touched my face. He babbled for a second, but said
something that sounded a lot like “momma”. I smiled and felt a gentle tug in my
heart. I knew he was just making noises, but it still felt good to hear that
name come from his little lips, even if he didn’t know what it meant.

I said the words I’d
never allowed myself to say to him. “Yes, Asher. I’m your momma, and I’m not
going to hide it any longer.” I cuddled him to me and he giggled. “I love you
so much, Ash,” I whispered to him.

I changed his diaper
and carried him downstairs. It was time to tell my parents what I planned to do,
but first, I had to tell them the one secret I’d kept from everyone- except
Levi.

I sat them down and
told them what happened to me at that New Year’s party. I told them it wasn’t
Seth but still wouldn’t say who. They were upset but took it better than I
thought they would.

 Dad told me they
already knew more had happened than what I’d let on. He finally told me what
Dr. Baird said to them after my first appointment, when they were alone in his
office. He told them I’d suffered more than physical abuse, that I’d probably
suffered sexual abuse or rape too but wasn’t ready to talk about it. He assured
them eventually I would.

I apologized for not
telling them sooner, and they said they understood. Then I told them about my
relationship with Levi, going to church again and finally finding my way back
to God. They were happy for me. I told them Levi knew the truth about Asher,
and that he’d broken up with me because I’d lied about it.

 “Oh, sweetie, I’m
so sorry. It sounded like you two were meant for each other,” Mom said with
sadness in her eyes.

 “I know, but that
may not be what God has planned for us, and I’m okay with that now. I know Levi
served an amazing purpose in my life, and I’ll be forever grateful for that,” I
said as the tears fell from my eyes again. I didn’t think I had any left, but
they kept coming. “There’s one more thing I need to talk to y’all about. I’ve
been praying, and I feel that it’s time for me to be Asher’s mother.”

Mom’s eyes grew huge
in shock, and Dad swallowed hard. They didn’t say anything for a long time. They
just sat there trying to get a handle on what I’d said. Finally, Mom leaned
over to Dad and whispered in his ear. I glanced down at Asher. He had one of my
knuckles in his mouth and chewed on it as best he could with his one tooth. He
was so innocent. He didn’t know the things we did to keep him safe. He just
knew he was loved.

I looked up to see
my parents watching me. Mom took a deep breath then spoke, “Your father and I
did what we thought was best for you at the time. You could barely take care of
yourself let alone a baby. Then there was Seth, we were afraid of what he would
do if he found out. There was no way we could let him stay in your life or be
anywhere near Asher. We know it was wrong to lie and deceive people and we have
asked God to forgive us, but we didn’t see any other way. It looked like the
best solution then but now, we just don’t know anymore. He needs you and if
you’re really ready, we’ll support you in this decision.”

I began to sob. I
would never know how hard it was for them to let go of Asher. They’d been his
parents from day one. They loved him more than life itself, but they also loved
me. This love was so abundant, that they would give all that up to do what was
right for us.

“I want to take him
back to Jackson. I don’t know how I’ll make it work but with God leading the
way, I know everything will be okay.”

Mom shook her head
and started crying. Dad got up and left the room. I held Asher to me and prayed
out loud. “Help them, Lord. Give them the peace over this that You have given
me.”