Just One More Breath (5 page)

The soft sounds of her pained
words brought a dull ache to my chest. The thought of Nicole being lonely troubled me deeply. A woman like her didn’t deserve to be alone. She deserved to be held and loved through this dark time.

“I can come in for a little while if you want
,” I offered.

“No, it’s ok
ay. We both have work in the morning. I’ll be fine.” She forced her lips into a smile, one that I didn’t buy one bit.

“Well, I’m going to make it my business to start spending more time with you. I’ll text you tomorrow and we’ll make dinner plans
,” I said, trying desperately to lighten her mood.

“Shawn
, you don’t have to.” Her words were filled with reluctance and protest.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Now get inside and get some rest.”
I leaned down and planted a soft kiss onto her forehead.

“Thanks, but can you do me one last favor?”
Nicole asked.

“Sure
, Nic. Anything.”

“Can you get rid of these flowers? The smell and look of them remind me of funerals.”

I nodded yes and pulled her in for one final hug. Then she opened her front door and walked inside. When her door clicked shut I felt anxious. Leaving her did not feel like the right thing to do. I wanted to stay with her, not just because the thought of her not having anyone made me feel unhappy, but also because my body craved it. Hesitantly I turned to walk back to my car but I couldn’t help but glance back toward her house after every few steps. As I drove to my place my thoughts were always on Nicole and how good it felt to be around her tonight. My arms missed the feel of her body, my nose missed the amazing smell of her soft curly hair, and I was still experiencing that jolt in my chest that I got every time she smiled at me. I had to fight my overwhelming urge to drive back to her place and hold her all night long, and I couldn’t figure out if it was my protective instinct, or if the feelings I had been harboring for Nicole Miller went deeper than I had ever realized.

Nicole

The sleepiness I had been feeling disappeared as soon as I entered my house. I couldn’t get Shawn’s words out of my head. He had asked a really hard question.
Will you be okay alone?
I was still coming to terms with the fact that I went from living with my husband and son, to living by myself, but for some strange reason, it never dawned on me that I was “alone.” The sinking feeling in my stomach told me that my response to him was a lie. No, I wasn’t okay being alone; I wanted my son back. I lay in his bed and memories flooded my brain.

“Mommy, are you ready yet?” Jax yelled from the front door in an annoyed tone. “I’m gonna miss the bus.”

“I’m coming. I’m coming. Hold your horses,” I replied, as I tried to walk and pull my boot on at the same time. As I made it to the bottom step I bent over to pull my boot zipper up then leaned against the wall to catch my breath. I really hated Monday mornings, like…really hated them.

“Ok
ay, baby, let’s go,” I said, opening the front door and disarming the car alarm. I checked the place where I normally place my house keys so I could lock the door and to my dismay, they weren’t there. “Dammit, Jax, wait. I can’t find my house keys.”

He looked at me with a frown “Mom, I’ve got them, let’s go. I can’t be late
. I have a field trip today.”

“Ugh
,” I groaned as I took another step out of the house. Jax paused again, exhaled, and looked at me. I shrugged apologetically and said, “I forgot my coffee.”

He raised his other hand and it was holding the cup of coffee I made this morning. “Now come on
, Mom.”

I smiled to hide my guilt as I threw my things
and myself into the car. Jax spent so much time trying to take care of me since his father left. Although I knew that his main reason for being dressed early and grabbing things that I was known to forget to make sure that we left on time was because he was really excited about his class trip to Liberty Science Center, I knew that another part of him did it because he was trying to take on the role of “man of the house.”

  Jax kept looking at the time and shaking his leg, and I felt bad.
The thought that my inability to function this early in the morning could possibly make him miss his trip made me feel guilty.

“Don’t worry
, sweetheart, I’m going to take you directly to school.”

He
sagged into his seat, relieved. “Thank you, Mommy,” he said gratefully.

We pulled up at his school with a few minutes to spare and I turned to get a good look at my son. He was dressed in a red
T-shirt, blue jeans, and red Chuck Taylors. The realization that he had gotten himself ready for school without my assistance made me feel sad. “Baby, you did a really good job of picking out your clothes. You look quite dapper,” I said with a grin.

Jax’s grin matched mine as he ran his hands over his shirt. As he gathered his things to exit the car, the urge to mother him took over and I quickly grabbed my bag and sifted through it.
I grabbed what I was searching for and lifted his face toward mine. He frowned as I squeezed a generous amount of lotion in my hands and began rubbing it softly onto his face.

“Mom, do you really have to do this right in front of my school?”
he asked in a whiny voice.

“Yes, sweet boy. I do
,” I replied, and then planted a kiss on his cheek, ignoring his extra loud groan as he exited the car.

The
need to mother him became overwhelming as I pressed my face into his pillow, and brought my hand up to the small necklace that hung around my neck. After Jax’s
accident
, Bridgette, the hospital’s Child Life Specialist, made copies of Jax’s handprint for myself and my parents. My parents had also spoken with his father’s parents to see if they wanted the same. Despite the many years we had been friends, I still couldn’t talk to his parents yet. Bridgette also told me about a company named Thumbies that could turn Jax’s thumbprint into an engraved necklace charm. When his scent hit my nose, it was as if he was lying next to me. I turned and whispered, “I survived the day, baby,” believing that Jax could hear me. A few tears slipped from my eyes as I drifted off to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~

Being at work became a welcomed distraction from the huge void in my personal life. I used all of my spare time to come up with a few new programs for The A.R.T Center and threw myself head first into getting them started. I brought in a nurse practitioner so birth control could be given out directly at the center, and set up a full-blown daycare center with a licensed teacher instead of just a few volunteers babysitting on the premises. Getting those two projects off the ground took up most of my thoughts during the day.

Shawn had stayed true to his promis
e of staying in contact with me. We spoke frequently via text and email, and even a few times over the phone. Being in constant contact with him made me feel nervous, yet giddy. I enjoyed our banter and laugher, despite wondering why he was giving me this much attention, it warmed my heart nonetheless. We hadn’t been able to see each other due to our crazy work schedules. After two weeks had passed, we made plans to check out a bar near Shawn’s place in Brooklyn named “Chance.” Shawn made me pinky swear via email that I wouldn’t cancel, and when five o’clock rolled around, I received a simple text from him, that I couldn’t help smile at.

Shawn
: I’m here.

I finished up the email I was typing, shut down my computer, and ran outside to meet him. When I plopped into the passenger seat I was greeted by the set of deep dimples that always made me feel heat in all the right places.

“Well
, hello there,” Shawn said with forged astonishment. “I was beginning to think you would never have time to hang out with an old friend. I bet it would’ve been easier to get a lunch date with the President.”

Shawn threw in on
e of his signature winks and I giggled. “Sorry.”

“No problem, I can
’t wait to hear about these new projects over dinner and drinks.” I smiled and nodded as he pulled into the tight traffic of rush hour.

Chance was a quaint and cozy Pan Asian restaurant in
downtown Brooklyn. Generously scattered tea lights offered subtle lighting, while the soft sounds of jazz playing through speakers, created an intimate, almost romantic setting. We took a seat in the far corner of the restaurant and Shawn quickly ordered edamame and a couple of Mojitos.

Our
conversation started off relaxed as we talked about everything and nothing at all. It was clear that Shawn didn’t want me to feel overwhelmed and bombarded with questions. However, after one drink, it was me who initiated the first personal question. “So, Shawn, how is your family?”

I
had never actually met any of Shawn’s family, but I had heard so much about them in the past, I felt like I knew each of them personally.

Shawn looked a bit surprised. “You remember my family?”

It was my turn to look surprised. “Of course, I do.”

Shawn grinned widely at me
. When Shawn really smiled, his dimples made an appearance. They often caused my breath to hitch. I found them adorable, but I also knew he didn't smile that warmly with everyone. Shawn was the consummate flirt, but he seemed to hold himself back with people, until he was really comfortable. That was probably why seeing his dimples made me smile as well. They were cute, but they also meant I was with the real Shawn Burns.

“They’re all doing really good. Although
, Shane bought a house and moved to Chicago with Mariana,” he said unhappily.

My eyebrows shot up. I
clearly remembered Shawn and his family not being too fond of Mariana. I could only imagine how having Shane move across the country, and make such a big purchase with the girl, was bothering them. “Yikes, I bet your mom isn’t taking that well.”

“She isn’t
. I swear she complains about it every time we talk. To make matters worse, he called us two weeks ago to let us know that he plans on proposing to Mari in the very near future.”

“Oh
, damn.”

“Yep, my only hope is that he comes to his senses before they make it to the altar.”

“If he loves her as much as I think he does, that probably won’t happen,” I pointed out.

A frown was begging to form on Shawn’s face and he hastily changed the subject
. “How about you, Nicole? How are you doing?”

“I’m here, so I guess that means I’m ok
ay,” I replied, breaking our eye contact. I picked up an edamame bean and began dusting the bits of sea salt off the shell.

I hoped that Shawn would accept my answer and move on, but he continued
. “I’ve been worried about you, Nic. There were so many times that I wanted to come over and check on you and spend time with you. But we hadn’t spoken in a while and I honestly didn’t know how to approach it.”

“Shawn, you and I have been friends for a long time. You never have to feel weird about contacting me
,” I said lightly. Although I had been in a serious relationship with my ex for the entire length of my friendship with Shawn, hanging out with him never seemed to be an issue. There were always subliminal comments made by my friends about the disinterest my ex showed toward whom I hung out with. Come to think of it, we really did live two completely separate social lives. Is that where we went wrong? Sometimes we couldn’t get a babysitter for Jax, so spending time out separately made sense.

“What happened? I mean...I heard you and
Jaxson were having problems…but....” Shawn stopped when he noticed me shifting uncomfortably in my seat. Hearing his name made me feel sick. I knew that Shawn wanted to know what was going on but I was having an internal debate. I had always been comfortable speaking candidly with Shawn, but this topic was extra sensitive. I wondered if I should tell him about my overall generic feelings or if I should get deep and raw, laying all of my emotions out on the table.

I
decided to go with the latter. I was sure that if I told him the generic version, he would just poke a prod until he got everything out of me anyway. This is what made him such a good lawyer.
Jax possessed a similar skill. Too bad he never had the chance to explore its potential.

I took another big gulp of my
Mojito and prepared to be completely honest.

“
My ex came home one day and told me that he no longer wanted to be married. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to continue living like this. He said he was a young guy and wanted to be free.” My voice was shockingly void of emotion. “I should’ve just cut all ties with him after he said that, I should’ve granted him the freedom that he so desperately needed…but I pushed. We both have excellent relationships with our fathers and I wanted Jax to have a healthy relationship with his father. So we worked out a visitation schedule through the court and he showed up for his first visit. With his new girlfriend.”

Shawn’s eyeb
rows creased at the irony of my statement. “So he wanted to be single and free but he went out and got himself a girlfriend?” he asked.

Yes, that irony was not lost on me.
I sniffled and nodded, but surprisingly there were no tears. Shawn gave my hand a gentle squeeze of support and I continued, “Yep, a shinier, newer, younger girlfriend. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when he showed up, as if I knew I shouldn’t have sent Jax. But my hands were tied. It was a court order and getting the court involved was one hundred percent my idea. So, I had no choice. I had to go against my gut and send Jax with his father.”

“You can’t beat yourself up about that
, Nicole.”

“Shawn, I never go against my gut when it comes to my child
- ever.” A stray tear fell from my eye and I angrily brushed it away. “The rest of it gets really blurry. All I remember is my ex calling me and saying that Jax had an accident. I assumed it was a bump or a bruise—maybe he needed a few stitches—but when I got to the hospital, they told me Jax didn’t make it.” With those words I began to shake.

Shawn stood
, joined me on the opposite side of the table, wrapped his arms tightly around me, and began to rock me gently. When the waitress arrived with their entrees, Shawn quickly thanked her, and she scurried away. He continued hugging me whispering comforting words into my ear. When he gently ran his fingers through my hair we both felt a tremble run through my body. The seemingly innocent gesture shook me to my core. It had been too long since my hair was touched that way. Too long since I had been touched, period. The simple action broke the dam that was containing my tears and I began to weep.

S
hawn pulled back and grabbed my face. “I’m so sorry, Nic. I’m so sorry this happened to you, sweetie. I admire your strength. I remember your poise at the funeral. You’re an inspiration.”

H
is words warmed something in my recently cold and lifeless heart. “Thank you, Shawn, but trust me, I’m far from strong or tough. I’m only just maintaining normal, and trying to adjust to my new life without a husband. And now, without my child, too. I might make it look easy, but trust me, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.”